SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My H has discovered through his IC and looking inward that he built up a a lot of resentment towards people because he always felt like he had to do things he didn't' want to do or help where he didnt want to help.

I will try to explain.
I always raved about how my H never said no, I would send him to the store three times a day because we needed things, belittle him because I made more money so he had to do all of the errands (not proud). My dad would come over three times a week and he would entertain him for hours even when he was tired, my H dad called on him every weekend to help landscape, work on a barn that was falling apart, or other random things. My H never said no. Even my family told me that I was bossy and mean , which in my mind he deserved bc he wasn't helping financially and chasing dreams that didn't align with our family's needs.

After a while the resentment built and built and unfortunately he handled it all very wrong, instead of telling us how he felt since he wasn't good at communicating he decided to seek an escape through an A. He was wanted but not needed, he didnt have to do anything but give sex and stupid compliments, Which he realizes was a horrible way to handle his pain (now). It also made him not have a conscience, I think in his brain he was "owed" this affair, in his fog he actually used the words "I had my fun now I am back" Almost like I was his mom and not his wife, we both lost sight of each other and we are working on it. The conscience piece really bothers me, he has done some pretty horrible things in his life without feeling guilty, me on the other hand I can't lie to save my life. Clearly I am not perfect but I have a really good conscience.

My question comes in because of this resentment he harbored for so long towards me and others he is getting better at saying no and while i am proud of him, it is hard. We are going to try to R and he is taking time to relax, do things he wants to do and telling people no but I almost feel like he is withdrawing from people.... he tells me " I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore" He has a day date planned with his brother this weekend so they can try to rekindle and fix their relationship, which was hard for me for him to do anything since his A. This will be the first time he will be out in 7 months without me , minus dinner with friends which was only an hour. He is golfing with his brother for 3 hours. My H and his brother need to reconnect for my H to heal too, I know a lot of his issues stem from working at a young age and not really enjoying life with his family.His brother knows of the A and loves us both and I know its a safe space for my H to be BUT he had his "fun" last summer he shouldn't get any this summer. (I sound horrible I know)

It is so hard to find a balance when we are both trying to heal from our own childhood issues that are SO different (I have issues being vulnerable) on top of that we have the A issues, his IC gives him things to do and mine gives me things and they don't always align. I am not really in a place where I can be understanding yet, I try but it is the hardest thing I have ever done is give him understanding and compassion when I can barely get through my day. EVEN though it makes sense and I know he has a path to walk to heal, I don't think I am ready for him to walk it if it affect my mental health. I know part of OUR healing his that he has to heal too.

So for those of you WS or BS that has ever been a people pleaser or married to one can you tell a little of your story and your healing process together? Where was the balance?

Hi Groot, WS here and a people pleaser along with conflict avoided!!

Its always interesting reading about people pleasing and the so many variations that exist.

I've been a hideous pleaser over the years but ironically the one person who I never tried to please was my BS once we started dating etc.

For me I never said no, I would always put myself out to help family and friends even if it were to be at the detriment of my BS and children resulting in awful arguments.

I was awful looking back, I'd try to befriend women or guys (mostly women) to ensure I felt validated and know they saw me as someone dependable and reliable I liked being liked but once I knew that I was, I then move onto the next willing participant. I see now how it was just me using people to I inflate my own ego in order to make me feel better about myself.

Like your WS I worked from a very early age, bought my first house crazy young and settled down in my career with my ex and our first child. I didn't get to enjoy my teens really as found myself in a toxic relationship and didnt travel due to money and responsibilities.

I see now though that my A was a ticking timebomb, I had no boundaries and it was all about me just trying to be the funny guy or Mr helpful but then when the AP came along it went from 0-100 and my ego went through the roof due to all that she did. Anyway, it's still really hard to keep in check as I want to be liked and needed however I now limit my interactions...I dont do social media and now just want to please my BS and kids but it's a long road one I've so far made remarkably difficult.

I also found a fresh start helpful with work as I transferred to another area, I line manage so I don't freak out that my once peers are going to judge me in my new role with power. I don't think it will ever stop but I believe if I challenge myself and really question why I do certain things then it may change or help....

As for my BS I just needed her to tell me some home truths for it to sink in " do you want people to see you as the creepy xyz at work" "do you want people to say ohhhh his poor wife" " they are probably laughing at you behind your back".

I don't want to be those things, I'm so proud of my BS and I just want her validation. Wish I could've been more aware of my shitty behaviour without all this hurt I've caused.

My WH was/is exactly like yours, Groot. Exactly.

He created a secret life of entitlement because he constantly sacrificed his own needs in his real life. He had no boundaries and did not understand the value or power in being true to himself, so his self-esteem suffered. Then he'd go off and make himself feel better with lots of porn, cam girls, a couple times with prostitutes, and daily alcohol. He treated me like a hired sex worker, never thinking of me as someone with my own needs or opinions when it came to sex. His sexual needs were his due, in his mind.

He's had a ton of IC to work on this, but I do feel that--while he's much better, healthier--some of this is part of his personality. Making himself happy and having that be enough in life has not been easy for him. He has never changed with his FOO. He has never told his mom No or gotten comfortable being uncomfortable where she is concerned, and it worries me. He knows it worries me. In other areas of his life, he has embraced boundaries. But where he needs to change, with his first family, he has not done it. The fear is too great, and that has impacted the way that I see him (not in a good way). It has also somewhat impacted my trust and vulnerability. I mostly feel secure, but it's not 100%.

How much change is enough? I cannot answer that.

I cheated on ex-W, rebound relationship, and my wife prior to our marriage. Been faithful and monogamous since our marriage to my lovely wife of 40 years. My wife never says no either. She does everything and then some with no resentment. I don't have anything to offer as a fWS here regarding the resentment.

I did want to address the income. My wife also makes more money than I do since about year 3 of our marriage. She makes 3x my income. She has never been mean or belittled me in regards to the income disparity. I can see how that would cause resentment in your husband.

Going to be honest with you. My wife is the sweetest and most caring person anyone would ever meet. She is Wonder Woman.

I could have and actually have written what you are talking about.

In order to learn not to people please my therpist said to separate my shoulds from my coulds. Shoulds are things you have to do, coulds are things you can do but don’t have to.

I was terrified to start saying no so much after what I just did. I am an introvert, and like your husband I don’t enjoy having a lot of company or entertaining. We made the same money, but I took care of all the domestic stuff on top. His contributions were take the trash out, mow the grass, and mow the grass. That’s it. He had no appreciation over my time and treated me like a secretary, constantly adding tasks.

I wanted a divorce to get out of being a servant but was too cowardly to say so.

To fix this, now I am saying no to what I don’t want to do within reason. But after the pain of the affair I really needed to say no to about everything. I was processing, working on myself, drowning, and yes I had created it but it didn’t make me better at coping with it. He also didn’t l feel like he was in a place where he could have empathy over my feelings. It’s understandable.

There aren’t a lot of things you can do about it in my experience. It takes a long time not to feel angry and resentful over an affair. It’s takes a lot of time and energy to change. Boundaries re hard to learn when you have never had them, so it helped for me to just say no to everything.

Eventually what happened was I started to see I was loved anyway. I learned my husband didn’t love me just because I did everything for him. And that allowed me to salutary doing extra things because I wanted to. I wanted him to feel my love, and I learned to do that without compromising who I am as a person.

I think of it a lot like people do not understand amazingly disorders and panic attacks. I have seen marriages fail over them. Because to the person having them can’t do the things normal people do the other partner just can’t deal with it. It’s the same with people pleasers and conflict avoiders, assertive people can’t relate to the problem. That’s okay, all you have to do is know it’s a valid problem with valid solutions that will be implemented poorly for some period of time because learning involves failing.

I also think that when you focus more on him or the relationship than yourself that’s areas you can’t control. That’s why we say focus on you, what you need and honor that. If you are meeting your needs and he is staking his role in that the other stuff kind of becomes less of your concern. It’s up to him to fix this problem. You only have to accept it is a real problem and it sounds like you do. You don’t have to identify with it.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:45 PM, Wednesday, May 15th]

It is so hard to find a balance when we are both trying to heal from our own childhood issues that are SO different (I have issues being vulnerable) on top of that we have the A issues, his IC gives him things to do and mine gives me things and they don't always align. I am not really in a place where I can be understanding yet, I try but it is the hardest thing I have ever done is give him understanding and compassion when I can barely get through my day. EVEN though it makes sense and I know he has a path to walk to heal, I don't think I am ready for him to walk it if it affect my mental health. I know part of OUR healing his that he has to heal too.

It's hard when you know something logically, but your lizard brain has you freaking the fuck out... btdt.
If you haven't had a chance to read The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, he does a great job of explaining how trauma affects the brain and how our the higher reasoning of the prefrontal cortex isn't terribly affective in dealing with our amygdala (fight, flight, freeze).

What helped me so much was learning to recognize when I'd been triggered, meaning my physiology was experiencing the influence of stress hormones. Sometimes, the triggers are really subtle and might have nothing to do with the infidelity. It seems almost like having your amygdala stuck on hyperalert, where stress hormones are released at the drop of a hat, and when it happens, your mind turns straight to the infidelity. When you've been living on that edge for months, it's like a stuck vinyl record with the needle wearing a groove into it. Your brain just keeps going there.

It takes time to sort of reprogram your brain... and it takes some effort too, to make yourself do it. Believe me, I know how hard it is. It took me a really long time to not only see the necessity of it, but to practice until I had it down. It's natural to look to the WS to soothe us when we're in R, but the real healing comes from within, when we have invested enough in ourselves to know that we'll be alright no matter what happens. At that point, the vulnerability that you've been struggling with becomes so much more manageable, because you're never giving more than you can afford to lose, even though you're giving quite a lot. When you're really full in the knowledge of your own ability to love and care for yourself, things fall into place.

To be honest with you, I don't think trust is ever what it was, but when you are full in your SELF, you realize that the person you need to trust most isn't him, it's YOU.

I was super codependent in my marriage, even though for all intents and purposes I believed myself to be an independent, modern woman. What I've discovered in the long and arduous process of R, is that I didn't want the kind of enmeshment I'd experienced before. Our kneejerk reaction is very often to try and recreate what we had, and the more we struggle for that, the further away it seems to get, right? It wasn't until I recognized that the old bond had been severed completely and that it could NOT be exactly the same again, I realized I could make that primary connection with MYSELF instead, and then, everything else would be gravy... and the gravy is GOOD.

Your WH has his own work to do in order to be a whole, healthy human, and yeah, I remember how hard it was to step back and let mine do what he had to do. Reinvesting in ourselves though makes it easier, because when we're successful, we know we've got our own back while we're taking these emotional risks. There's someone looking out for me in my relationship and in my day to day... and that person is ME.

Thank you all for the advice , the kind words , and telling me your stories. I showed my H and he loved reading the responses, he doesn’t join because of me , I need him to give me my privacy to vent. I do share so much that I find relevant though, where would I be without this place? It’s scary to think.

I won’t lie , little by little as I learn to love myself and put myself first I feel like I’m beginning to heal , I’m finding myself , I’m embracing the silence. When my H comes home I wish he wouldn’t …. I used to be so codependent and now , now I like to be alone.
I feel like I don’t have to make anyone happy but myself and children. I just feel so pathetic some days , yall are my light

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 10:32 PM, Thursday, May 16th]