SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

18 months since DD and while there is still a long looong way to go to anything resembling full recovery or healing on my part, or reconciliation for that matter, things are better than say 6 months ago, and way better than 1 year ago. At least pain-wise.
But these past couple of months I've been having this recurring thought: am I really healing and getting over or through this experience with time and hard work, or, am I just getting used to living with the pain and the mess my life turned into? Sometimes I fell like I am starting to forget who I was, and we were before DD.

I'll try to explain my thinking. When betrayal hits you, you are handed against your will a choice between two shitty options. D or try to reconcile with a wayward spouse. To me, both seemed, and some days still seem, equally impossible. This truly is what the expression of being stuck between a rock and a hard place is all about. Realising, accepting and grieving, that you can no longer, ever again in fact, have what you really wanted, a M without infidelity in it. You can have a D or you can have a marriage, and heart, forever tainted by betrayal. For the longest time I just felt that neither option was even survivable. And so I guess in a panic I scrambled to see which option had less of a disastrous impact on my life as a whole, and opted to give R a try. And that's where I still am. Trying to R. It still feels an impossible task, to live with his betrayal, to get past it, it just feels slightly less impossible than the option of D.

And so days, weeks, and months pass. I just put one foot in front of the other because that's all I can do. We do IC separately, we do MC, and we try our best to R. But I do wonder, are we REALLY changing anything, is anything REALLY getting better, or am I just getting used to living with the shattered leftovers of my marriage? How do I know I am moving towards acceptance (healthy)and not towards giving up on things and just settling (in an unhealthy way)? Does that make sense? Does time and IC and acceptance really heal anything or do we just get used to having a marriage forever dented? Kind of like living with a limp or constant physical pain? So that we accept that life, and love can be good again, but never as good as it once was, we just get used to living with a lesser version? Do we just give up on the hope of reversing the clock and settle for getting used to the crappy hand we were dealt or do we develop genuine happiness and love again? And does it even matter which it is?

I am so glad you asked this question, you worded it so nicely.
I was laying in bed last night asking myself as I start to heal even just a little bit, am I accepting the pain because I feel I have to R because we have four kids and D would be harder? Is it because he actually is changing and one day I will feel better?
Am I letting myself down and just living my life with the shitty hand I was dealt?

I am def going to be following this thread to see what advice is given!

At 18 months you are still processing the pain from the trauma. I know at 18 months - even though we were in the process of R - I still was in so much pain that I was more focused on dealing with the pain that I was on R. At about 2 years in - as I was able to better cope with the pain - I was able to verbalize what I expected if we were to continue with R. Everyone has different requirements for R. I gave him what I needed and expected from him in order to be fully committed to R.

It was truly a one step forwarded and two steps back journey - but I could see he was truly trying. When we stumbled I knew it was not intentional - this was a new journey for both of us and we were both trying to navigate unknown territory.

Like any trauma - you don't ever truly get over it - you just learn to incorporate it in to the fabric of your life.

Unfortunately, there is no setting back the clock. The old marriage is is irreversibly changed - but I do believe that with time and hard work the marriage can become a place of love and contentment for both partners.

We have to accept that the A happened and the devastation that caused - and I guess that is getting use to living with the pain - but that doesn't mean we are not truly healing.

As we continued to work on R I would periodically take stock of where we were in the process - was I happy with where we were at - was it what I needed and expected.

At 18 months you are still dealing with the trauma and the pain - you realize it is a long journey - but how do you feel about your process? In spite of the pain - are you satisfied with your journey so far?

Yes, we were dealt a crappy hand - but that doesn't have to define us or our life.

Am I letting myself down and just living my life with the shitty hand I was dealt?

This is exactly what I am pondering as well.

At 18 months you are still dealing with the trauma and the pain - you realize it is a long journey - but how do you feel about your process? In spite of the pain - are you satisfied with your journey so far?

Well no, because it's a journey I'd very much like not to be on at all and I am to my core a person completely without patience so giving things time is about as enjoyable as pulling out nails to me
A more nuanced answer is yes and no.
The yesses: We're still married and trying, we are in MC and both in IC, we've changed many things that did not work at all many years prior to the infidelity, he has started changing some of the major things I needed for him to change, and there has been no TT or relapses as far as I've found any evidence of at least. And I have looked, a lot. Still, I wonder, of course.
The no's: He still hasn't been able to find another job, not from lack of trying, he's applied for a shitload of jobs without any luck, so they are still in the same building although do not work together and there have been only 2 run ins in a corridor in 18 months (or so he says, I obviously can only go by his word in this case so this may be true, or not). He isn't as empathetic as I'd like (he's had issues with empathy his entire life and on tests shows up as bordering towards being on the spectrum in this department) and he tends to spiral into shame (he's working on this in IC so hopefully that might help).

But yeah, I just miss my old happy self, my joie de vivre so to speak is gone and I am just not that same bubbly person anymore. I used to be so, so in love with my H. We struggled at times as most couples that have been together since really young, but I always had a deep baseline respect and love for him that is now gone or at least changed. And I really valued our 22 year long relationship so highly. I'm hoping that can start to creep back in, slowly, slowly over the years if we continue on this journey together. I am just neck deep in grief over all I have lost I guess, and so I'm wondering if I really am healing now that the pain is less intense than a year ago, or, just getting used to living without all that was lost in the fire? Am I giving up on finding some of those things ever again and just accepting that going forward in life, there will be no more love and joie de vivre of that kind again?

I am sorry if my grammar is incorrect . I am not a native speaker .

I am with you MLC .
I am almost 3 years after Dday and I am still experiencing that feeling of POLF ( plain of lethal flatness ). You are not alone .

I used to love my WH very much and I thought I was about to die of sadness on Dday . I was so shocked how he sacrificed his marriage and our family for a so called new love and some virtual sex , validation and affection. It was an online relationship with an old college friend. He continued their contact , back as friends with no sex , no romance from his side , for another 4 month after Dday . The AP still professed her love during those 4 months. He told me , he needed someone to talk to about our pain 😳. He is still on NC now . He broke her off after that "emotional" after Dday relationship .

There have been good but mostly dark and gray days for me . I tried to love him again but he feels like a stranger to me because the person that I used to love doesn’t exist . The real him was presented to me , when he decided to betray the marriage. I just don’t feel the connection anymore, maybe first of all , it is because of me being afraid to get hurt again . I still don’t trust him . The pain still takes over the love and I also believe, he cheated because of his lack of love towards me.

Certain things he did with her showed how he treated her better than he treats me, even now after Dday . It is a subconscious act , but it shows how he was much more excited with her than with me. Maybe it was the excitement of a new love , new passion and all , like a vacation ? While our relationship is decades of familiarity and feeling comfortable like a home base.
He is promising the moon to me now but he slips once in a while, his deeds still show that he is still taking me ( somewhat) for granted .

Maybe it is not realistic , but I expect him to give it all for me like I used to give him all before the A. Maybe he has low emotional intelligence .. but on a second thought, he was passionate for her and gave it all for her during the 5 month A. Again , it could be the case of a new love and a new person . Infatuation .

Divorce is out of the question. It is a calculated decision but so far , seems like our marriage and my love will never be the same again. It was destroyed the moment he started the A and I am not sure if I can rebuild it again .
How can I be sure if he is also rebuilding his?

I am a Christian , I am getting a lot of strength from God and take it one day at a time .
I used to cry everyday for hours during my first year . I still get the mind movies in the mornings and at nights but I don’t cry anymore , just a dull ( sometimes still sharp enough) pain .

Please stay strong .. a lot of us here are also facing this pain and challenges and we never asked for it . Time is also a great healer but I agree with you , we may never get it back like it used to be … . Life itself is a journey, full of compromises.