SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

H had an affair all last summer and afterwards TT , minimized and I would say in some forms gaslighted me. Because of alll of these things we agreed that his IC would be once a week and marriage counseling would be put on hold.Hell I didn’t cheat , he did. I am so mad because tonight my H comes home and says his counselor wants to see him once a month now because of the amount of progress he’s made. Don’t get me wrong he has the steps below he’s done.

1. Acknowledged he had the affair due to porn , not feeling worthy, not loving himself, feeling worthless because of his dead end job.

2. Has been porn free for three months

3. Quit his job immediately and is making almost $10 more an hour.

4. Has been accountable for all whereabouts and all passwords shared.

5. He offered his bank statements , went through them his timeline given matches his statements.

6. Is more invovlved at home with me and the kids.

7. Has let me basically focus on myself and he does the chores, dinners, whatever.

8. Quit his band. (35 years old , it’s about time we focus on our four kids)

9. Has told our family, close friends what he did.

Yes those are HUGE, with that being said I still don’t feel safe because I feel like it’s not enough counseling? I mean he got to his why pretty quickly but what the hell about the how? The coping mechanisms , I just don’t feel like someone so selfish cant change so fast. When I brought this up to my H he said that the counselor said that he needs to read some books he recommended but he is making huge steps , which yes he is but what about his thought process? He said he wants us to see our marriage counselor , my marriage didn’t fail…. I’m already in IC and unfortunately have to go two to three times a month because I have so much trauma from it.

Here my H is going once a month!!?

Yes, my h has made huge steps and he has grown from being a defensive jerk to starting to show signs of real remorse and doing work on his own but I feel like something needs to happen for it to stick. Or is there something that develops over time without constant counseling ?

What is the thoughts on the importance of counseling ?

Maybe im pissed I have to go more than him when he’s the selfish jerk who did this and I feel like he’s getting away with less.

I stupidly feel like now he’s some saint and I’m the bad guy that can’t heal …. If that makes sense?

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:35 AM, Friday, March 15th]

I still don’t feel safe

Have you heard of the 5 Whys exercise?

Why don't you feel safe? (Answer)

Why do you think/feel/believe this? (Answer)

And you go until you've asked Why at least 5 times. You can keep going, but 5 should get you to a good spot.

I am with you, though. If I go by your January 16 date, he's been in IC for two months? He wouldn't be the first WS here that has lied to their IC. Now, I could very well be wrong because I don't know your WH, but my BS-o-meter is going off. Of course, it's possible that the IC just said that because the backlog of patients is so high and they need to see more patients.

I’m the bad guy that can’t heal

Please don't compare your healing to anybody else's healing timeline. You have suffered trauma, and TT/gaslighting is mental abuse. You need time to recover and your brain hasn't caught up or figured out if you're safe or not. The thing with the fight/flight/freeze or fawn response is interesting. Your brain doesn't distinguish between betrayal and being chased by an animal intent on having you for dinner. It's part of the reason that you don't feel safe.

One poster has used the analogy of a car crash. Your marriage is a car and your WH was driving. After going to fast, the car left the road and crashed into a tree. You're both badly injured. You both are going to need to heal. Your WH works on his healing, and you work on your healing. Let's say your leg is badly broken and needs surgery, then you need physical therapy. You may be healed, but you might walk with a limp and the spot aches when there's a change in the weather.

How long would it take before you felt safe in the car or with your WH driving?

I'll wrap up with this: there is no justice with infidelity.

Leafids his IC has his file from our MC so there isn’t much he can hide, the MC then in turn tells us what his counselor says so it’s all really transparent (our MC knows it all) , maybe you’re right about the backlog.. to me it seems to soon to go down to once a month.

Sorry also to add I don’t know the 5 whys. I will have to look it up. I guess I wouldn’t say I don’t feel safe in the moment , I don’t feel safe about my future with him. My Ic made me super aware I either pull from past depression from this or my future anxiety, living in the moment with him is agonizing, it hit me very hard and out of the blue so I’m constantly in fight/ flight mode , I still feel a little crazy.
Thank you for your kind words, the car wreck scenario makes perfect sense , I have a feeling I’ll take a long time to heal considering this was always a “deal breaker” for me. I’m hoping one day I can heal AND reconcile if he does the work.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:20 AM, Friday, March 15th]

Groot,

It’s natural to feel trepidation. After all, seeing your husband go off for therapy regularly might have felt comforting and now that’s one less thing you feel you can rely on.

My IC dropped me down to once a month too after not terribly long. I can’t remember now because it’s been a long time but I am going to guess it was six months or less?

And believe me when I say I don’t think I had made nearly the progress you have listed here.

The thing about therapy is once the biggest part of the crisis period ends, what you are left with are appointments where you need time to integrate what ever you are working on. Once a month kept me on track and mindful, but I had to start practicing new skills and ways of thinking. It was still focused, and I often had assignments to do that went with what we were focusing on.

You get to a point where the changes you are working on can’t really progress in a week. I personally think you should take it as a good sign. If he seems to backslide then reevaluate.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:37 AM, Friday, March 15th]

Sounds like he has possibly come to a good enough understanding of himself to continue work on his own, with a check in once a month. That’s the point of counselling, to equip and empower the client with self belief and agency, and it sounds like further individual research and reflection has been recommended, so he’s not getting less counselling, he’s getting different counselling. You, on the other hand, are dealing with ptsd and that takes time.

Hiking out and Edie,

Thank you for your take on it, I think you are right.... I think seeing him go to counseling was something tangible, something I could put my hands on saying "yes he is doing the work" but really his actions show he is already doing the work. I flipped out on him last night saying he needed to go more and he told me we should bring it up to our MC then and see what he says and if needed he will go more. I mean it is like he is doing all of the right things and some days I don't like him for it. I don't know why it is so hard for me but I am assuming because I feel like he is healing faster than me and he is the one that did this.
It is so hard to love the person that intentionally hurt me and I have a LOT of work to do and counseling for me has been anything but easy.

I think my H was one of the ones that reality of losing his wife and kids really snapped him back to reality quickly.
He did agree he was in the "fog" he knew his A was a temporary escape but he never intended to leave (doesn't make me feel any better).
But all of the things he did past Dday (quitting his job, the band, and really focusing on me and my healing) , show a lot minus the deadly TT and lies. He told me he would do whatever it took and would continue to support my healing even when it is hard and I am no way a peach right now.
I just read so much on here of the time it takes to heal as a WS and I feel like he isn't on that timeline, I don't want any corners cut or band aids , if that makes sense.
He is avoiding a lot of his triggers: Porn, sexualized movies, people that are not friends of the marriage, social media, I just hope one day he becomes strong enough to not have the blocker on his phone, to be able to watch a raunchy comedy and not think of porn or see a pretty girl on social media and not feel the need to have horrible thoughts. I think this all comes with time but like any "addict" I suppose acceptance and avoidance are the first steps? I think I want it to move quicker than it is because of the safety of my future with him and I don't think it is the right thought process.

I started my own individual therapy in 2018 when I had my DDay, I still attend now and do so once a week. I’m VERY active in my own self progression and healing, I’ve had lots of trauma even prior to DDay that I’ve sorted through one layer at a time.

My therapist has allowed for me to choose how frequently our visits happen. We are always working on the next layer, childhood trauma and past sexual abuse, and learned codependency certainly couldn’t be healed or sorted through over a few months time. Right now we are in deep level stages of particular patterns of behavior I have. It’s HARD work but so worth it.

I’m wondering first if he is the one that wants to go once a month and not his therapist saying that to him. I wonder if a therapist would tell a person in recovery so quickly to lessen their therapy. I also, due to my own experience in therapy, feel like the types of patterns we have that cause our behaviors have been deeply ingrained over our life time. That means from childhood through decades of time. And it’s the only thing we know. Hence the need for a therapist to challenge us and guide us to learn different patterns.

Another thing I know, is that as much as I can logically see my own patterns and genuinely know what’s happening, changing it is an entirely different approach that requires emotionally learning it and emotionally processing. That’s MUCH harder. Learning to break certain patterns at the emotional level, which is where true change happens, takes getting past our own protective mechanisms and reaching that space in a safe place. My therapist guides me there, provides a safe space, we go through and process the emotions and I learn and apply new tools over time slowly. DEFINITELY not something done quickly, especially as we go deeper.

All of that being said, my opinion is that a few months of therapy is not enough, especially for a WS who likely carries different layers to their recovery including shame which I have seen be very very challenging to work through and overcome. See…as a betrayed spouse, my work felt immense and very different. When I saw my WS in her work, I could see how much she had fractured her own image of self and was stuck in shame spirals and honestly struggled so much to get past them. It was just such a different level of building up than mine was.

I hear you in your concerns. Your concerns are valid. Gently, your WS is going to do what they want to do. If they feel like they only want to go once a month - well, as much as I wouldn’t agree with that we can’t control them. I would focus on your own recovery in your own IC, pay attention to your WS’s actions over time. As you grow in your healing you’ll be able to see very clearly whether your WS is someone who deserves you.

Thank you Maise.

I am still going to bring it up in my IC and our MC about the frequency of his therapies.

That is exactly my fear is he has been selfish for a VERY long time in all aspects of his life, I feel like switching that light doesn't happen so quickly. Maybe for a few months , maybe even a year but I don't think indefinitely. I am going to watch his actions and the moment they slip or he regresses you can bet that I will be up his a** about it and I won't let him return to his old ways, not while being with me.

I am doing MY BEST to focus on my own therapy but it is hard.

I do think his counselor feels he got to his "whys" and he is doing things to change, so like what more is there to do? My h was VERY VERY transparent in counseling, and didn't downplay a thing with our counselor. Told the timeline, mentioned the lying, the TT, the gaslighting, the nature of the places they had sex, I mean it was all out in the open. I feel like he skipped a lot of the counseling needed because he "snapped" out pretty fast so maybe he is further ahead than most would be at this time, regardless I know only time will tell if it is here to last.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:11 PM, Friday, March 15th]

What maise said.

Thank you all. 🫶🏻

Final disclosure was just this past January?

That means you are only a few months out,and a few months into your healing. It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from infidelity, even if he's doing the right things for now.

Also..it's completely normal to be very angry at this point. The shock has worn off. Please don't feel bad because you're not magically better simply because he's doing what any decent husband should be doing.

You're allowed to just be mad.

Thank you hellfire. I am way beyond angry most days. Today I told him that maybe if I box dyed my hair , thinned it out a ton , magically got ugly and made $10 less an hour maybe I would be worth it. He just hugged me and suggested I go get my nails done and take time for myself.. 😂😭😭

I wish there was a magic potion, this s*** sucks.

Groot, think about the people who take years to kick smoking. They might call it a habit but their brain has been wired to crave it long after the nicotine has left. Patterns, habits, all are very difficult to change.
Maybe you should have a meeting with your H and his IC and ask why the change.
By the time we are about 4 we are basically who we will be unless there is a powerful influence. Porn at an early age is one. And there are many others but they take work, work, work to overcome.
I don’t blame you for being suspicious.

Good IC is crucial for both parties. But finding the right therapist can be challenging.

It's easier now because at least some of them have information online to help you vet them for their standards and beliefs. Don't be afraid to grill them on their ideas and methods and move on if they're not a match.

You absolutely want a therapist who understands betrayal as deeply traumatic. You want a therapist who advocates for openness and honesty as a prerequisite for healing.

Never accept a therapist who supports any kind of blame-shifting, rug-sweeping, or secrecy. You have the final word on what you need to heal.

Seeking2forgive

Thank you, our MC is going to reach out to his IC and see why the early dismissal, he also agrees that he could use more time in session. His IC did recommend books and 12 step programs that he is looking into.

I think seeing him go to counseling was something tangible

Maybe you need a new tangible thing that you can track? A way for him to demonstrate the work is going on still?

Ultimately, you will be the one who decides if his efforts are enough, anyway. Potentially a meeting with the MC to settle on a scheme for how he will provide tangible proof of progress?

House of plane , sad thing is he is doing a lot of things and I think deep down I don't care.
He is walking the walk for sure but maybe it is just too early for me to give a damn or maybe the A was just a deal breaker. I have a lot to sort through.

It’s definitely early. He’s still in the "holding his breath" phase. Anybody can do anything for a little while. Can it be sustained? Only time will tell.

Meanwhile you have to come to grips with the new reality. He already knew about it…he created it. The shift for him is small. For you it is huge. You have the much harder job facing you.