SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife confessed to an affair several years ago, we went to counseling which didn't seem to do much, it seemed like it was a standardized format and that was supposed to heal us and I was told not to bring it up anymore and to move on. The problem is that I cant keep thinking about it and I am angry that I feel like I have wasted the best years of my life with this person. The reason I haven't left is this perception everyone including our adult children have that we are marriage role models. I am exhausted and need to do something different. Any advice from people who have struggled with anger for years please tell me how to get past this.

Bring it up.

You can't heal by sweeping it under the rug.

Put the broom down. Bring it up. It will never get better if you don't.

If she is remorseful, she will welcome attempting true reconciliation. If she's not, then you have some hard decisions to make.

We advise not to go to mc right after dday. This is why. A bad mc will do so much more harm than good.

It sounds like you got some bad advice from a bad therapist. I'm sure your WW loved it. What wayward wouldn't? Actions without accountability.

You need to address your trauma, and make no mistake, it is trauma. Read everything you can on this site, post as often as you feel is good for you. It will take time,but you will get your bearings again.

I am sure more seasoned members will give you good advice. I am two years from first d day and I don’t think anyone can just "get over it" I do think that with time the anger can improve and fade but it takes remorse and empathy from your wayward spouse. I can’t believe how many counselors suggest that we just don’t talk about it and move on like nothing happened. My first individual therapist kind of took that avenue. It did not help a bit. You need a therapist that specializes in infidelity. Or a therapist just for yourself that specializes in betrayal trauma. I have been working with one for a few months and it has helped tremendously.
We have talked about his infidelity and my pain and the grief I’ve felt over losing the marriage that I thought I had literally hundreds of times. I would say at least three times per week for two years. I don’t think this is something you can stuff down. It erodes your spirit. Eventually the resentment will just fester. Is your spouse remorseful and empathetic to your pain? Do they get angry when you want to talk and feel like you should just be over it? If so it’s no wonder you are still in pain. I don’t think in a year I’ll be over it either even with as much as my spouse is helping me heal, but I do think so far he has what it takes to try to reconcile and have a happy and healthy relationship. I know what you mean about the kids thinking you have a great marriage. My adult child would be devastated if she knew but I’ve decided that if at any time I decide I cannot reconcile or we need to separate that she will know the truth. This is not my shame or burden to carry. I would suggest a new counselor for you to help you sort things out as opposed to marriage counseling. We have not done any marriage counseling and I have no intention of doing any. We are both working with therapist on our own though and making progress slowly.

we went to counseling which didn't seem to do much, it seemed like it was a standardized format and that was supposed to heal us and I was told not to bring it up anymore and to move on.

Many marriage counselors are terribly equipped to deal with infidelity. They treat it like any other marriage problem and try to assign blame to both parties and advocate for rug sweeping.

Please consider individual counseling with someone trained to treat infidelity trauma.

Sounds like your wayward wife went along with the blame shifting and rugsweeping approach. Has she done anything to rebuild trust with you? Become transparent with her electronics and social media? Enabled tracking? Gone completely no contact with her affair partner? Written a timeline of the affair so that you can understand what was actually going on in your life/marriage during that period? Cut off any friends who supported the affair? Researched infidelity recovery by reading books like How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald or Not Just Friends by Glass?

My wife has done everything I have asked, she doesn't get angry or defensive she normally cries and begs me not to leave. The other person is long gone and not an issue but when I think about all the lies that were told in this I don't really believe anything or anyone for that matter. I don't trust anyone but my granddaughter and my dog.

What work did she do to become a safe partner?

Did she go to therapy to figure out why she cheated?

Did,does,she answer all questions without anger or defensiveness?

Did she blame you?

Was she tested for stds?

Did she drop all friends who knew?

Was she proactive in healing the damage she caused you, herself, and the marriage?

Did she immediately go no contact with him?

Did she work in improving herself?

You never dealt with the affair.

Let that sink in a bit. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house that you just never dealt with.

MC early on can be extremely damaging, and that's exactly what it was in your case. It's shocking how much incompetence there is in the world of MC related to infidelity. It sounds like you were encouraged to rug sweep. Most likely you took half the blame when you deserve none of it. Most likely you were told rebuilding trust is something YOU are responsible for because she can't make you trust her. This is laughably stupid on the face of it. I don't understand how this is such a common line from MC's. Trust is built through repeated interactions where what the person tells you matches what has happened. Where they make a future promise and keep it. Where they are able to show that they value their integrity and will do what it takes to protect it. But somehow, you show up to MC and it's like "Well, you have to choose to trust her again if she says she isn't going to cheat again". I mean, maybe in some sort of horribly abbreviated short hand this is true.

She has to rebuild trust by demonstrating she is doing what she says. She needs to rebuild trust by implementing full electronic transparency so that you can evaluate her actions against her words. She needs to rebuild trust by increasing her empathy towards you and being vigilant even against actions that may simply appear to be shady and telling you something like, "Hey, I know it might bother you that I'm going to go to a corporate happy hour without you, but it's a really good opportunity to get some face time with XYZ in another department, I'll check in with you right after work and only stay for one drink then be right home. If that's still too much for you, I understand and will just skip it". And then, after she has done this work consistently for months, it's up to you to decide if it's real or not. If you really can't rebuild trust at that point, maybe it's a personal problem in the way, but guess what, it's still totally reasonable for you to not trust her and to end the relationship at that point as well.

Have you been to an individual therapist? One familiar with betrayal trauma?

Since you are years away from your buried trauma now, I'm going to go ahead and recommend "The Body Keeps the Score" as a book you basically need to get. I hate to break it to you, but you almost certainly have PTSD from her affair.

On top of that, you have been carrying her secret for her out of some sort of shame or other fear. You are on the one she injured, yet you are sitting there acting like she hasn't to her benefit. It's crazy that you are now a coconspirator in your own ongoing traumatization, yet this is another common pitfall in relationships affected by infidelity.

I mean this in the most supportive way possible since you have come to this board for understanding and support: you need professional help. We can do what we can from our side of the keyboard with our shared experiences, but you will benefit tremendously have having competent in-person support for dealing with these feelings that you have buried.

It sounds like she is remorseful and working on becoming a good partner. I understand where you are coming from. My view of people in general has changed unfortunately. And I know what he is capable of. It’s not an easy thing to accept and if I was younger or did not have children I most likely would not stay in the relationship. I know there are so many kind, consistently honest people in the world. I just didn’t happen to pick one of them. However…I do think that people can change and evolve. I’m keeping my heart open to seeing that. Does looking at it through that lense of change help you at all? I’ll be honest when I’m having an emotional or triggering day it does not help me. But when I’m in my rational mind it does.

Is there a resource or list of therapist that specializes in this area? I do I find the right one?

I don't know if it counts as soliciting, but psychology today should be able to help you find therapists in your area and you can sort by "trauma focused". I personally am fine with plain old CBT, but a lot of people have good experience with EMDR as a technique. Unfortunately "betrayal trauma" and "infidelity" are not sortable filters, but you can sometimes see that in the bio.

Hi Advrdr,

I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm going to say some things that I hope will encourage you - I hope you dont' take it as a personal attack or criticism or an attempt at victim blaming, but as an attempt to help you take ownership of your situation. I think it's great that you have recognized the need to do something different. What you're doing now, clearly isnt working.

In MC (marriage counselling) the client, the thing that the counsellor is tasked to save, is the marriage - not the individuals in it. That doesn't mean MC is a bad thing necessarily, but it may not be useful for personal healing. Have you tried IC (individual counselling)? I remember balking at the idea of IC in the early days because I felt like I didn't do anything wrong - i wasn't the one who cheated after all. But regardless of how I got hurt, I am the one that is responsible for my own individual healing. I agree with This is Fine, when he suggests seeking out a professional so you can work to address the anger you are holding on to.

You say your wife has done everything you asked, and I will take you at your word on this (though I encourage you to consider the questions that Hellfire has posed). Having a partner that does the right things afterwards is good and necessary for R, but it's not going to magically fix YOU. This is something you need to work on. I get it, the injustice of being cheated on is a tough pill to swallow. It is easy to feel resentful, I know that, i have felt it myself. But resentment is toxic. It is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You are the one who suffers the most when you let your resentment fester. You cannot change the past - but you can change the future, and I encourage you to focus on THAT.

No one is forcing you to stay. Not your adult kids, not anyone else. Own the decisions you have made this far. You chose to stay, no one made that choice for you. In doing so, you were gracious enough to offer grace in attempt to salvage what was left, and you can hold your head high knowing that you tried. But if that truly isn't working and you cannot be happy in this marriage, there is no shame in admitting that. Cheating is always a dealbreaker. There is no expiration date on acknowledging that. If you truly feel that you have wasted the best years of your life, then I encourage you to stop wasting another second. You only get one life, and every day you stay is another day you will never get back. You deserve happiness and I encourage you to be relentless in your pursuit of that.

With that in mind, I encourage you to rethink your belief that the best days of your life are behind you. That mindset is setting you up for ongoing disappointment and bitterness, regardless of what you choose to do. Infidelity or not, a happy marriage - and happiness in general, is an ongoing project that is always a labour of love, it is not simply a lottery that you win. You get out of it what you put into it, and the grass is always greener where you water it.

I truly wish you all the best.

I am sorry you are here because it means you are in pain. It is a trauma and you have not healed.
It may be you need an effective couple therapy, but I don't think the couple is the priority right now.

Your priority is YOU and you need to find a good therapist specialised in TRAUMA and ABUSE.

I hope you address all your issues because you deserve to heal. A big hug from the same painful boat.

Thanks I have an appointment on Monday with a therapist that actually specializes in betrayal trauma. Its very sad to me that "betrayal trauma" is a specialty but here we are.

Glad to hear you found a new therapist. It sounds like the lies are haunting you. Do you feel like you have the full story of the A? Or are there gaps and elements that don't make sense to you?

That's one reason having the WS created a detailed timeline is recommended. Thrn some people find a polygraph helpful after the timeline is completed and discussed.

I dont know if there are gaps but I dont ever feel like anyone is telling me the whole truth, I guess Im very jaded.

Betrayal hurts deeper than most can imagine.

But it doesn't mean everyone is lying and it, amazingly, doesn't mean your FWW is lying since her affair. The instinct for self preservation is very powerful. It drives many of the lies to before an after dday absolute worst in human behavior in places like Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union.

Thanks I have an appointment on Monday with a therapist that actually specializes in betrayal trauma.

Good for you.