SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a 53 year old man that has been with my partner for 27 years.

Because of sleep issues, we sleep in separate rooms. This arrangement has been like such for roughly 1.5 years.

The other morning my significant other stepped outside with her coffee, and she left her phone on the table. I glanced over at it only to see she was reading an email from another man. The man was telling her how he can hardly wait to meet her so he could kiss her.

So I forwarded the whole email exchange between the two, to myself for further analysis.

It turns out, he reached out to her a little after midnight telling he when he got home he was going to kiss her.

She responded around 2am telling him she hoped he was home now, and how she can`t wait to hear about his flight home.

At 9am She tells him she is going to work at 1pm.

At 930am he responds with let me know when you are here.

then at 935am He says the plane needed repairs so he was going to text her from a cafe, and he could hardly wait to meet her.

On a side note: His grammar was very poor as if he was a foreigner of some sort.

That was the final message. Then I set my phone one the table and confronted her calmly.
She started a quick cry (seemed fake) then started telling me it was just an internet thing and she regrets it, the guy was on the other side of the world. I asked how she met him, and for how long was this going on. She said facebook, and for around a month.

The thing that really bother me, is that one of the part time jobs she has that she just got, requires her to stay 2 nights in a row, because she works at a private elder living facility.

She is there now, I pick her up in the morning.

I can`t type anymore at the moment. Too heart broken.
I`ll come back.

Thank you in advance for any advice folks

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum, plus some that are marked with bullseyes, that are full of great information. Also, the Healing Library has some nice resources, including the list of acronyms we use.

Please take care of yourself because infidelity is trauma. If you can, IC (Individual Counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Stay hydrated, and away from intoxicants. If you have problems with depression or sleeping, please see your doctor for some medications.

Your WW (wayward wife) needs to be in IC to work on becoming a safe partner. MC (Marriage Counseling) should wait, as many MCs fall into the unmet needs fallacy and can shift some of the blame to you. The A (Affair) is 100% on her. It isn't a mistake. Forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store is a mistake. She has made conscious decisions to cheat on you.

Is the A a deal-breaker for you? We're here to help you get out of infidelity, whether R (reconcile) or D (divorce).

That’s a shock to the system. While reading your post I couldn’t help but think she might be in a catfish situation. I think it’s great that she didn’t say in her email that she wanted to kiss him. I’m a little confused about the "let me know when you are here" and then moments later the plane breaks down. Have you looked at your financials to see if any money is missing. As in, he needed money for a plane ticket, then needs money because the plane left him stranded. Did you ask to see his Facebook profile?

Asking to see the facebook profile is golden!, Thank you for that tip!!!

Thank you for your advice and support. The thing about it is, like a friend of mine pointed out. I am a good man. I would never harm a stranger, let alone my spouse. I don`t deserve this bullshit.

I sent her a text earlier today letting her know how much she hurt me. She responded by telling to not stress, it was a mistake, she`d never would let me down, to sweep it under the rug, let`s go forward.

No deal.

I responded by texting back that trust is earned and not given, and I have no idea what she had planned, or if she`d ever try and regain my trust. I also let her know that we wouldn`t be talking about this had she not got caught.

She never replied. It`s almost bedtime for me, If she doesn`t call soon, then I ain`t picking her from her job in the morning.

I am starting to get pissed, and this is not my demeanor.

[This message edited by NiceGuysFinishLast at 4:24 AM, Tuesday, March 5th]

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. Cheating is hundreds, if not thousands or hundreds of thousands, of conscious decisions to cheat.

She's trying to rugsweep, which isn't helpful for R (reconciliation).

I’m so sorry you’re here. I had been with my WH for 27 years too when he started to cheat on me online. I didn’t catch him for almost 7 years, and like your WS, he would have just continued if he hadn’t been caught.

Your WS says she would never let you down, but gently, she has already let you down in the biggest and most trust-obliterating way. She needs to get that before you have anything to talk about. The trust of 27 years is completely gone, and it won’t return in the same innocent way. Ever. So if she’s not able to own and understand the magnitude of her betrayal, again, you have nowhere to start talking or moving forward.

There is so much that you need to know now for your own mental and emotional safety and sanity. Is this really the first time that she’s "entertained" herself in this way? Have there been others? If not, why now?

As someone whose marriage and life were destroyed by "just" an internet thing (except it wasn’t "just" anything—it was complete daily dishonesty, both before and after I discovered his A; it was a betrayal of our entire history and relationship of decades; it was a betray and destruction of our family and our kids’ childhood), you are only just starting what will be a long and difficult way forward. And if your WS is already rugsweeping, diminishing and dismissing her A and your feelings, it’s going to get a lot worse before it begins to get any better.

The priority right now is what you need. Take care of yourself physically and, if you can, emotionally. Protect yourself from her—yes, you need to do that. She needs to be tested for STDs no matter what she says. Because she is a known liar now. She has been lying to you daily for who knows how long. You can’t believe anything she says, and she needs to figure that out very quickly. Don’t sleep with her right now until you really understand the risks to you—both emotionally and physically. Sex can also be really confusing with a WS for both of you. It can make her feel like all is forgiven, and it can cloud your emotions in ways that don’t serve you.

Above all, read here. You may not like or agree with all you read, but everyone here has been where you are and is not buried in the overwhelming emotion that you are experiencing. Everyone here wants to help you get out of infidelity and avoid further hurt from rugsweeping, trickle-truthing, dishonesty, and more betrayal.

Don’t tell your wife about this site. You need a safe space where you can express yourself freely and not have to worry about her feelings or reaction.

I’m so sorry you need this site, but you’ve landed in a good place.

I want to thank everyone here for helping me get through this hell.

I just picked my spouse up from her work. A 20 minute drive. and NO communication. Infact, she kind of seemed snotty.

I feel like shit right now, but to hell with my feelings. I am a strong man that will learn from this BS experience. I don`t deserve this, I am a good man.

I wish she wasn't here now because every time I look across the room at her, my stomach gets all woozy.

This is not good because I see NO empathy, or NO attempt to communicate. I realize she just got caught, and I don`t know if this is normal behavior from someone that got just caught cheating? I am rambling folks, so please forgive me, but my mind is all over the place right now.

I feel like telling her to leave her cell phone in the living room when she goes to bed from now on, but why the hell should I be a watch dog? I shouldn`t have to monitor anybody. The way I see it, It`s her move to try and gain my trust back, and I see no attempt on her part at this point.

Thanks in advance for any advice going forward folks.

I’ve noticed in a lot of cases the wayward will act the way your wife is acting after they are confronted. It seems to me to be an attempt to manipulate the betrayed spouse into backing down. She wants you to initiate by asking her what’s wrong. She wants you to be on the defensive and for her to be in the drivers seat. This is just my opinion, but I think people who are in an affair feel power. They also live in this awesome world where they get to have their cake and eat it too. By confronting her you threaten to take that all away. She was riding high until you discovered the message. I think the wayward spouses actually get mad at the BS for robbing them of this feeling. Sounds crazy, but it makes sense to me. Institute a hard 180. Right now she’s hoping you rug sweep just to keep the peace so she can continue her behavior without consequences.

Do you share financial accounts? It also seems to me like a romance scam, where they get the mark's attention, shower them with love and affection and start requesting money and/or gift cards.

Not that it makes it much better for you, because your wife still had the intention to cheat.

I appreciate your advice. My friend says people get angry when they get caught. I can`t figure out how that works?

I agree in that I think she wants me to feel bad for her, so she can normalize this behavior by me crawling to her.

NO DEAL! I asked her if she`d leave her cell phone in the living room when she goes to bed. She responded with strange...why?

That pissed me off. I told her she wasn`t going to change then, and this thing is going to end. So she left it in the living room later and went to bed. I guess I better take a picture if it before I turn in.

She is in full denial, and says she would do a lie detector test, a std test, and go to counseling to prove that she wants this to work.

The phone thing is still concerning. This is a battle that I don`t deserve.

[This message edited by NiceGuysFinishLast at 4:55 AM, Wednesday, March 6th]

Call her bluff. Schedule the polygraph.

Regardless, she is emotionally cheating.

She seems to think if she checks odd a few bare minimum boxes, you will have no choice but to let it go.

I'm a bit concerned about this...

At 930am he responds with let me know when you are here.

He's there..wherever you live. She was planning on meeting him. He wanted to know when she got there so they could find each other.

This may have started online, but he's there now. He may live near you.

Schedule the polygraph.

You're right. You don't deserve this. She's behaving like an unremorseful child.

If you are wanting R, stay strong. The bh who take a no nonsense approach, right from the start, seem to have better success at achieving the outcome they want.

She's pretending this isn't a big deal. It's infidelity. It's a huge deal.

It really sounds like you might have caught this early and it might have been just a brief internet fantasy. That's good but I would keep investigating because tgere may be more to it. Look at the Facebook account, the phone log, the phone bill for numbers called etc. Crdit card bill too wouldn't hurt as well as location history on her phone.

I also hear you saying you refuse to rugsweep and that's also good. I rugswept a bit many years ago and it came back to bite me emotionally many years later.

Her reaction is poor. It shows you she has little remorse and doesn't understand how she hurt you. She seems to be more perturbed you interrupted her fantasy than sorry she did this. That reaction appears to be fairly common but many waywards also respond much better than that when caught too. I think her reaction calls for you to consider doing the 180. It is detailed in the library here. First read the Tactical Primer at the very top of ths forum...Just Found Out. Then research the 180 and begin. It will send her a signal she needs to understand.

She tried to cough up his facebook profile but insists she has no clue where he lives, and his profile is gone.

My ultimatum is going to be: You either come clean and find it. Do the work, prove to me otherwise.

If not, than she is either going to have to quit her overnight job and fess up to her boss that I caught her, or IT`S OVER!

I have a hunch if it is a PA, it`s at her new job, where she does a 36-hour shift. I drive her to work. I feel if that is the case, I`m driving her to the slaughterhouse. This is killing me. My BP is high now.

My recommendation is that you should set up appointments w at least 2 lawyers and Interview them to get an understanding of what Divorce would look like for you.

Your wife is cheating. To what degree it does not matter. Show her things serious. She is breaking her vows to you.

I’d also find a therapist for yourself that specializes in Trauma as what you are going through is traumatic.

Then I’d tell your wife, "it is apparent you are not taking your infidelity and the pain it is causing me serious so I will let you go be with this person you obviously care for more than me, but not as my wife. I will work to legally end this relationship that your choices have already destroyed"

Then stop talking to her about it. If she wants you as her partner, she will desparately work hard to repair what she has seriously damaged. If she doesn’t, then she won’t, and you’ll know.

In the meantime get your ducks in order by talking to and hiring a lawyer. Tell them to be ready to serve her papers if she doesn’t start being proactive in fixing what’s broken in her and caring about you and your healing.

Thanks for the advice.

I feel bad because I just grilled her hard again, and let her know that If she doesn`t do some heavy lifting, and I don`t get the full story by tonight its over.

She insists there is NO PA. She showed me her email telling the guy to not talk to her anymore, and her spouse is monitoring everything, go away she is not interested. Now she is outside crying her eyes out, and I DON`T CARE.

I am tired of trying to "guess" how far, or how deep it is, if she wants to salvage our relationship, she better get to work fast!

Yes it’s important to state exactly what you need and then begin to move on without her until you see her stepping up. I’d tell her I expect her to research and present you with the steps she’ll take to rebuild what she damaged in the relationship and how to help you heal from her betrayal.

To comment on the last one, I’d tell her that when you see and feel her finally caring more about the pain you are feeling from her choices than the pain she feels for herself then maybe you’ll have something to work with.

Stay strong.

NGFL. I think your no tolerance approach is the correct one. However, she seems to be stonewalling and minimizing which indicates she still doesn't get it, or at least not the full extent of it. She needs to understand that she's not getting out of this without full disclosure and that should include a poly. You're on the right track here and I encourage you to stay the course and not fold with respect to your demands. On the bright side it does appear you've caught this early and your no nonsense approach has saved further damage. The question remains is just how far this has all gone and has it crossed from R territory to D. You truly need to get to the bottom of all this and a poly will help with that.

Yep, find a polygraph examiner. Tell her it’s happening. There’s too many holes here for her story to make sense.

[This message edited by OhItsYou at 11:28 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]

Ok, my brothers and sisters and ALL victims of infidelity, here is the scoop:

She gave me full access to everything. I am looking at her emails as I type this message. This is NOT good!

It appears to be some sort of foreigner has been extorting her out of money for a while.

She was trying to buy a husband, and the whole thing is a fraud! She has been sending money for 2 years now on and off to another country.

They have my address.(big concern) She mentioned that it was hard to get any money that was on hand because she had to get around me.

Locked and loaded!!!

My attitude has changed because I have full control of the finances, and my house. She is CUT OFF. I am going to start treating myself to some toys. To hell with it. As for her. She is on the chopping block, and she knows it. She handed her phone over, and the other shoe is about to drop, and she knows it. Any advice on how to go forward would be greatly appreciated.

Bear in mind, 27 years is a long time, I still love her.

Thanks in advance folks.

Peace and Love

NGFL

I want to offer an alternative path to the one you seem to be choosing.
Let’s be clear on some issues first: No matter the state of your marriage her decision to seek something outside the marriage wont ever be justified by that. Get it? You could be the Hanibal Lecter of husbands and yet it wouldn’t justify her decision to cheat. I don’t want any misunderstanding that I might be alluding to the infidelity being due to your marriage – I’m not.

I also second the ones suggesting you ensure you have the truth. Up to and including a polygraph. I do however think that if this is a foreign man extorting her for money then the chances are this is non-physical – as in no direct physical contact. Could be sexual though, as in sexting and pics and such. But DEFINITELY get the truth.

But… Only if you have any hope of reconciling.

If infidelity of any way or form is a dealbreaker then you already have that. Spare yourself months of emotionally turmoil and plenty of cash and start the divorce process. If you believe you have enough to confirm infidelity, then getting some more info won’t really confirm it more. Sort of like the last eight bullets into your marriages head were superfluous after the first two…
One extremely hard thing to accept in infidelity is that there is no revenge. No payback per se. The "revenge" is – if we divorce – when we realize 2-3 years later that our live is better. If we reconcile the "revenge" is in the pain the former WS shows when they think of the affair. But there is no revenge as we tend to see revenge.

I think your present path of isolation, escalation, and vengeance… it’s not going to work in a marriage.
Get some toys? That is a bit like thinking that because she got a speeding ticket you are entitled to getting one too. All that will lead to is an unhealthy relationship with plenty of gadgets.
Like… if you are NOT going to divorce, then this isn’t going to become a sustainable living situation for you. If she’s working then you can’t "cut her off" per se, and unless the house was purchased by you before the marriage and/or a prenup states it’s yours and/or paid by inheritance or whatever… chances are YOUR house is just as much HER house. In fact – in Oregon where you label yourself being in – your combined income is seen as marital property. (but then – the absolute worst advice on this site is legal advice, mine included. Let this simply be a warning that what I state might be correct, and you should research before basing your future on what you might feel is right).

Your description of your marriage doesn’t really make it sound like a happy place.
Ask yourself this: Do you love this woman? Would you want to be with her moving on in life? Is this the woman that’s going to be holding your hand when either of your time comes?
If no – then don’t spend more time buying "toys" and trying to hold your breath longer than she can. Start the divorce. Know it’s hard, but so is the other option:
If yes – then DEFINITELY 100% get to the truth of what happened, but then work at IMPROVING your marriage. It’s not a reward for her actions, but a logical progression to get yourself to a better place.

IMHO – and this is a view I have held for very many years – there are only two paths out of infidelity – divorce or reconciliation.
Your form of live-in vengeance is neither IMHO.