SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would love some of your opinions as I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m not one to talk to my friends or family about my problems. I didn’t even tell my best friends anything about my marriage until I had asked my H for a separation. Long story short. I found SI in 2003 when my H had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted on and off for about a year but we made it through it and life went on. Fast forward to 2021. I found out he was doing questionable things again. Actually our children did. He had multiple affairs with many women. I told him I would never forgive him if he did it again. He begged me to stay and be a family and promised he would change. He told me he loved me and that I was the best wife, mother and person but kept having affairs and talking in appropriately to other women. I finally told him in 2021 that I wanted to separate. 1 month later after our separation he died unexpectedly at 49 years old. I was devastated and our world flipped upside down. I was never able to resolve anything with my H. He was finally coming around and started talking to me and our children again. I could have never got back together with him. But I really wish we could have had the chance to mend things and also co-parent. I’m really sad that my children do not have their father anymore. Regardless of his bad decisions he was a man full of life and definitely lived the short life he had to the fullest.

So here I am posting in New Beginnings. I have been dating a man on and off for about a year and half. He has been divorced for quite sometime and his ex cheated on him too. He is very caring and a great person. I don’t know if I over react because of past trauma or if these are really red flags. He told me during a conversation that we were having that he had one night stands while in college. And that when he was single he would met up with women he found on dating websites when he traveled. This really triggered me because my H used dating websites to find the women he had affairs with. My BF also travels a lot for work and this has been hard for me too. I told him I understand that everyone has a past but I thought he went into way to much detail that I wanted to hear. I dont know if I’m overreacting but this really bothered me and I don’t know if I want to continue the relationship. I know every time he travels I will think he is on dating websites and meeting women. I just think I’m screwed for any future relationship. My H and I were together almost 30 years and there is just so much pain and trauma that I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone again. Is divulging too much about your past sex life appropriate or am I overreacting by not wanting to continue the relationship? Thank you for any advice or opinions

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull2 at 12:09 AM, Tuesday, February 27th]

Stayinghopefull2, welcome to this great place for sharing. What a tough story you have lived! I'm sorry you didn't have time for closure from the late WH.

Gotta say, though, you are NOT - in my opinion - carrying your past fears forward. Rather, you are reasonably assessing the odds this new man will continue to do what he's already told you he's done in his life. And you know from your past experience how that goes. If he freely admits this has been his pattern, what more do you not know, I'm thinking....in the 4 years we dated, my SAWH never admitted to one damn sexual encounter he'd ever had, yet after D-Day I finally got him to admit he had screwed over 100 prostitutes before I met him!

For some reason, I have noticed that either (a) we keep finding or (b) life keeps handing us the same sort of problem people until we learn to wake up fully to the lessons we need to learn.

But you are not stuck in some re-run rut. Just step back and give yourself credit for being wise to red flags!!

I don't know about self sabotaging, but I can tell you that I lost my ww about 2 years ago.

She didn't cheat again and we didn't separate.

I'm just now feeling like I'm ready to start dating again.

I wonder if maybe you just haven't yet healed from the second dday and his passing yet?

Maybe you are subconsciously looking for a reason to end the relationship because you know you weren't ready?

That wouldn't be self-sabotaging in the normal sense, if you were.

Oof. That's a lot to process. I get not wanting to talk to friends and family but I would highly recommend seeing a therapist to process all your feelings, which are considerable, understandably. One way or the other, it seems like this guy is paying a "WS tax." Untangling what that is will take some work on your part. It could be that you're working through your previous marriage in this relationship and acting on wishing that you had cut ties earlier with your late WS or that you might have picked this guy because a lack of safety feels comfortable to you. I don't know, I'm just spitballing but regardless, if you haven't had the time and space to work through all of this with a therapist its bound to spill over in your future relationships. I would also recommend that your kids see a therapist because they are going to have a lot of conflicting feelings about their father, especially since they were aware of his infidelities. Big hug. You've been through a lot.