SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all

I've not posted for a while, but I really need some input and wise words right now because I'm struggling and I feel stuck.

The first anniversary of DDay was in December and I seem to have hit a new phase. I think the shock, sadness, a bit of the anger have all now passed the initial stages and I'm left feeling that the affair (and what it exposed about my WH) might just be a deal breaker for me. The thing is, he's done everything a WS could do so far. He's a much nicer person than he was - kind, considerate, reflective, caring - and I like him much more than I did in the months and years preceding the affair. The problem is that I love him less. The things he said and did with OW are so abhorrent to me that I think they've just severed any connection I had.

The issue that I'm really grappling with is not knowing whether these feelings (or lack thereof) are just a new phase on this roller coaster or whether I need to trust my gut and pull the plug. Separating would take a while for financial reasons but it would be fine; we would part on good terms and be effective co-parents. It wouldn't be my first choice, but then none of this was my choice. I just don't think it would be fair to either of us to carry on in a relationship when I can't really bear to touch him or feel romantically inclined towards him. Sex had been great up until the last couple of weeks when this new phase started for me. Now I just don't want it.

Is it possible to get those feelings back? Has anyone been through a phase like this and pushed through, or did you take it as a sign and work towards S/D? For context, we've not had MC but both had IC (his is ongoing; I'm seeing a new therapist next week).

It is possible to get those feelings back and it’s not uncommon to feel the way you do one year out. However, no one has a crystal ball to say that you will get them back or that this is just a phase.

It would be way more uncommon for you to feel anything differently than you do now. Year two reality sets in, but it takes at least 2-5 years to heal from infidelity.

That being said, you may not move from how you feel either. We are almost 7 years from my affair and 4 from my discovery of his. We are in love, we have better communication, better emotional intimacy. But it took some time. I don’t know if this helps or not.

As I was reading your post, I was preparing myself to respond with "sometimes it doesn't matter how hard the WS works in R, sometimes the A is just a dealbreaker and that is perfectly okay and acceptable and reasonable and the natural consequence of the WS's actions" and "the WS's "work" does not entitle them to R if R is not what you want." That is until I read this:

I just don't think it would be fair to either of us to carry on in a relationship when I can't really bear to touch him or feel romantically inclined towards him. Sex had been great up until the last couple of weeks when this new phase started for me. Now I just don't want it.

And that gave me a little pause. Because while all of what I wrote is true (it is, I mean it!), if this feeling is just a few weeks old, that seems like an awfully short amount of time to determine whether it is just a phase or not. Hysterical bonding is real and powerful but most people will confirm that it doesn't last forever. I have no idea whether that is what this is or not. I don't have a crystal ball. I do know that I went through all sorts of 'phases' related to sex in the years post D-day, just as I have had different phases related to my relationship and sex drive throughout other portions of my life. Have you had an anger/revulsion stage yet?

You mentioned that December was the first anniversary of your Dday. Again, I have no idea if this is impacting you but that's a time period that typically brings up a lot of feelings/emotions for a BS. Is it possible that is part of what is going on for you? Have you felt triggered in other aspects of your life? Is there anything else you can connect this feeling to? I know I was very connected to the calendar and the timeline in the first few years, and I had a lot of associations with particular annual events and their timing. Even though I had read about it, it hit me a lot harder than I was expecting.

I felt the same as you do right now, and never could get my love back for her. The difference is that I felt that way right from the start, and she too did everything she could and hated what she did.

Again, you mentioned that this feels like a phase. Nothing wrong with sticking it out for a little longer and seeing if this is really just a phase, or something more permanent. You have some time to figure it out. Lots here with time got their feelings back.

I could have written your post a year ago and did actually write something similar at about 18 months past d day. I am at 22 months past d day. For some background, I endured some very difficult trickle truth for the first year. Eventually found out about 3 ONS and the affair I discovered was a friends with benefits situation that had been going on for a year with someone on the opposite coast of my country that he had worked with out of town. 21 year marriage that was generally happy. He has not blamed me at all and has wanted to reconcile from day one. He never intended to leave the marriage.
The second year since d day has been probably worse than the first for me. The shock fades and you’re left grieving what you thought you had. You still don’t fully trust your spouse and the resentment and anger kicked into full gear for me.
I was questioning separation and divorce off and on since d day up until a month ago. I have stuck it out because I saw genuine remorse and consistent actions from my WH and I strongly did not want to be divorced. I decided to not worry about my feelings for him yet and to give it time. And he’s been patient. I think any pressure or blame shifting from him would have upset the whole healing process.
For some reason I think I have turned the corner. I still would not say I am in love with him or even love him romantically but I am starting to have positive feelings. I will tell you why I think this is happening for me.
I think partly it is just time. Time for the anger and hurt to process out of my body. Daily yoga, meditation, focusing on myself.
Secondly he is working hard to change and now knows his "why". His why was for validation. He knows that he had to learn to validate himself. Nothing to do with the marriage. He knows he is broken and working hard to fix himself. He is also showing me daily with actions that he deserves a second chance. He is engaged in home life, asking me how I’m doing, leaving the room if I’m triggered and need space. He’s planning dates and going above and beyond to show he wants to be a good partner. This has been constant for the last year. There were times I was so angry I completely rejected his efforts. He still tried.
I started with a therapist that specialized in infidelity. I was getting nowhere with my previous therapist. I think this was crucial for me. I was kind of jaded about therapy and stopped for a while but I am making progress now.
I had to grieve and try to let go of what I initially wanted. A marriage that was not tainted by infidelity. I couldn’t have that if stayed with him.
I still grieve that and I think that will take more time for me. But I’m coming to a place of acceptance that life is messy. And if the revised edition of our relationship is good then I wanted to take a chance on that. And so far it has been good. He’s kind and considerate, a very good partner. And before d day he had not been a consistently good partner for many years.
I also think there is nothing wrong with saying this is just too much for me to get over. I don’t know how I would feel if he had a romantic relationship with any of these women or considered leaving me. Maybe that would be a deal breaker for me or maybe not. You just can’t say how you’d react to any given scenario.
I can honestly say at a year I just didn’t know and felt almost exactly how you did. I still don’t know for certain. I could change how I feel in a few months but I sense a real shift in myself and in our relationship. I am almost two years from d day and we went on a date out to eat this past weekend and it was the first time I actually felt happy and enjoyed being with him. This is a deep deep wound to heal. When people here said it takes years it really does take years.

I think all BS go through this. No one can tell you what is right for you. Here is my two cents.

I was pissed off in year two. Year one was a lot of trickle truth, and a lot of sadness emotions. Year two was learning to separate myself from all her shit. It helped with perspective. The affairs and ONS behavior had nothing to do with me. Period. Hard stop....

None of it was about me. I was enough, I was adequate, I am a good man and a good husband and father. In fact, I was, and am a really good spouse. She did not do it because I had gained some weight (good old dad bod on a former athlete), it was not because of any other justification she came up with and shared with the AP. This, was all about her. (that does not mean that our relationship could have used some more effort on my part or that I had no room to grow, we all need to keep working on our relationships.)

The other thing I needed to understand was that her affair was one part reality, and about five parts pure projection and fantasy. She made her APs into people they were not, not even close. She made herself into a fantasy too. She was in the fog and would say anything to keep the fantasy going. She admitted, after the fog cleared, that she lied to him and she is sure he lied to her a lot! For her, and many like her, her affair had more to do with treating the things that were wrong with her, not what was wrong with us or me. I hope that makes sense.

People who have affairs are broken people. They typically suffer from some level of mental illness, from depression, to borderline personality disorder, they are not okay. That is why they need IC as part of recovery. They can seem just fine on the surface, but they are broken.

Why did I stay? I made a commitment when I got married. I had to see that commitment out, even though she broke that commitment. I owed myself the responsibility of seeing if she could get right. If she would not have put in the work, I would have pulled the plug. But she did with my help. And now I have a new wife, a new marriage, with the same woman I fell in love with as a 17 year old kid and committed to as a 22 year old. It took a lot of time, and effort, but I believe it was worth it. No doubt, our marriage has a history of trauma now to, but that gets to be a smaller part of our marriage as we continue on a much healthier trajectory. We are almost 9 years out from Dday.

Wow, thanks so much for all your insightful responses. So much resonated for me here.

As for a recent trigger for this shift in feeling, I think it's just learning about stuff that he's hidden for the whole of our relationship (not infidelity - emotional dishonesty). I've had to rethink the last 14 years of my life, and that's hard. I've also recently pushed him on exactly what was said in the A. It was emotional as well as physical and I think it's the emotional betrayal I'm now finding the hardest to come to terms with.

My WS is being patient and understanding, not expecting too much. As long as that continues, I'm willing to give it more time and work on healing myself without commitment to a specific outcome. We've talked about putting in some review points at maybe 6 or 12 months and see how things progress.

As for a recent trigger for this shift in feeling, I think it's just learning about stuff that he's hidden for the whole of our relationship (not infidelity - emotional dishonesty). I've had to rethink the last 14 years of my life, and that's hard.

Was this recent? That sounds really difficult. I remember trying to decide in the first year post-D-day whether the A was an aberration from who he truly was versus a window into who he actually was and eventually concluding it was (mostly) the first (fueled by some incredibly bad coping mechanisms - which were very much part of he was - to some very particular stressors). Knowing that the entire relationship had not been based on lies was a comfort that made some of the excruciating work feel worth it - because I could look back to a time that had been genuine and real as the goal. I can imagine learning that the lies extended for 14 years - even if they were different lies than the A - to be an entirely different revelation that would throw the entire relationship into question. I don't have any answers, I just wanted to express my empathy. I'm so sorry you're having to grapple with all of this.

'an aberration from who he truly was versus a window into who he actually was'

What a great way of putting it, thank you.

I think for most of the last year, I considered it an aberration but recently I've come to see it as a window into who he really was underneath for our entire relationship. There was just a toxic combination of fragile ego, low self esteem, avoidance and entitlement in the mix. So while I was providing him with the external validation (and sex) he craved, there was a veneer of a solid relationship but when I was no longer able to (I was very ill when our daughter was born 4 years ago), he started to resent me for exposing his weaknesses. Ultimately, he started to punish me for no longer giving him what he needed/felt entitled to.

He sees everything now for what it was and doesn't shy away from owning his past behaviour. He now has a far healthier view of long term relationships and is very sad that he couldn't be a supportive partner when I needed him most. And I can forgive him for all that because we're all just imperfect humans trying to work this stuff out, but I just can't forgive the affair and all its associated cruelties.

I am sorry that you are feeling so low about your relationship. Maybe it is time to try marriage counseling together. Might help you. Also, just because these feelings just started does not mean it will stay that way. I remember going through quite a time during intimacy for those first few years... sometimes it happened easily and other times I struggled, just as you. Things changed.. just like most marriages in the intimacy department.. things change. Don't give up hope or throw in the towel just yet.. you may be surprised.

I am about as far out as you are, DD was late November 22, and I am struggling I a similar way. The short way of describing it would be that I myself, psychologically, am doing better than previously but our M is doing worse.
Earlier on I was severely traumatised, PTSD symptoms, not able to eat, sleep, barely function and borderline suicidal. But I felt hope for us and our M, love for him, there was HB for an entire year. Now I sleep and eat and function quite well, but we have been in e severe slump fighting almost daily, way less intimacy and generally doing worse for a couple of months. Time around DD1 was horrible for me and it hasn't really picked up since. I'm thinking this is another weird phase at least for me. I miss the intense feelings of HB and the intense love I felt for him and us and the crystal clear knowing that even after what he'd done I loved him. Now it's just more meh. I'm more angry for sure, less sad, more bitter. I'm hoping this passes just like every other phase has. Trying to give it time and not panic. If it doesn't pass, I can always decide to D later. For now I'm sticking with it.

Hello uncomfortablynumb,

You have been getting some great advice here.

I am 19 months out from DDay and I understand your feelings well. Hell I was talking divorce with my WW 3 days ago.

It is a difficult road...this healing journey. You were placed here through no fault of your own, yet here we are.

I will add my two cents....take care of YOU.

Yes that entails, any self care method you deem necessary to maintain your sanity and health. Exercise, eating right, getting as much rest as you can etc.

But what I am really getting at is that you should dig deeper. Find out what core wounds your H infidelity kicked up in you. We all have them and we often dont address them. IC helped me a lot here.

I will give you a couple of examples.

My W infidelity tapped on an abandonment issue that was from my childhood.
I was adopted and I always carried this subconscious idea that I was not worthy and since my birth mother left me, sooner or later any person that is in my life will eventually leave. That pain was felt deeply on DDAY.
What I had to come to terms with is that my birth mother gave me up because of her OWN issues and that I had a beautiful loving adopted mother who I loved and cared for until her last breath. I realized that anybody who left me it was because they had issues not me. I am a BAD MF and a person walking out of my life was losing out, even my W.

The second core wound it kicked up was that I was always a rescuer. I spent my time running around fixing problems for everyone. At work, friends, kids, especially my wife. And I was exhausted. Long before her affair I was tired. SOOOOO TIRED!
So when DDAY hit and after all the hysterical bonding died out I felt empty. Like why should I work to restore a marriage the SHE destroyed. I still feel that way sometimes, and even though she has been a model wife I have my moments.

My point is that while your H infidelity is 100% totally and completely his issue, it is good to figure out what do you want to improve about yourself.

In improving yourself you may find that you may want to leave because you may feel he is not worthy of you in all your greatness
Or
You may find that the person you need to love more is not your H but yourself. and in doing that you will make whatever decision you settle on easier for you

TrayDee, Thank you for sharing your very moving post.

Uncomfortably numb,

First, you get to decide what you want to do. If your WS switched immediately on d-day, if you're done with him, that's fine. You don't have to R.

Second, you say your WS is a model now. Even if that's true, he's been a model for such a short time. It's way too soon to take him at face value. It's easy for many people to fake it for far longer than you've had.

Also, perhaps more important, you're finding out that his lying to you has gone one far longer than just the A. That makes the R problem than just dealing with the A.

You have good reasons to struggle. Being a year out with a truly model WS and a real desire to R on my part was a struggle simply because a year isn't enough time for most people to heal. You will get through the struggle.

My reco is to give up trying to control the outcome. I urge you to keep reminding yourself that you can survive and thrive with or without your WS. That may not make the struggle any less wearing, but it will at least tell you it will pass.

(((uncomfortablynumb))) - a hug, if you want a hug from a stranger

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:07 PM, Thursday, January 18th]