SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 99% sure I am divorcing my husband - but that 1% weighs heavily on my mind. I'm second guessing myself about making the wrong decision.

As background - in 2015, I was pregnant (my therapist said my hormones were out of control) - and I also have OCD. I found myself constantly checking my husband's cell phone records to see who he was texting and calling. I even called him one night and asked him about a series of text messages (I could only see the number) that he was chatting with. At this time, I really had no reason to be snooping and so my husband felt this was an invasion of his privacy.

In 2017, my husband became a non-functioning alcoholic. One afternoon I woke up from a nap to hear him on the phone with a woman and she said we are done - and he said OMG over and over again - and said "I hate him for what he did to you". I later found out that he had a "friendship" with this woman for over a year and he knew I wouldn't like it so they communicated via facebook messenger so I wouldn't see it if I was checking cell phone records. I feel very deceived by his behavior. Also, I am very stuck on her saying we are done - his response to that was that he was acting very angry about some other guy and that she said they are done with the friendship. This is a load of crap right?

Over the years, he has been willing to answer all the questions I ask about her - but whether he is telling me the truth is another matter.

I also found pictures on an ipad (this was not snooping - it was by accident) that they shared with each other. Mostly of her family and her father's gravesite - I guess they had a common connection about losing a parent. I also found a quote about soulmates and one about "studying her scriptures". He doesn't remember them exchanging the soulmate quote or the studying thing.

This is all kinds of wrong right?

During this time - I was such a trooper with what I was putting up with from him. He traveled all the time and his drinking became awful to the point he lost his job, got two DUIs, and put himself in the hospital with a really high blook alcohol level.

Before he got sober, I found text messages to another women that he claims he was black out drunk when sending - where he was planning a date, researching restaurants, telling her he was into her. When I found out - he kept saying it wasn't me - and wouldn't admit to drinking. We went to marriage counseling and I figured it out that he was drinking. We quit marriage counseling because our therapist moved and also COVID hit.

Between 2021-2023 he got sober but wasn't in recovery. in 2023, he relapsed. Again, all sorts of bad things started happening again like him trying to drive with the kids, getting so drunk he ended up in the hospital and yelling at me for hours that he hated me in front of my 8 year old son and 18 year old daughter - who told me he was verbally abusing me.

I found out from someone that at an industry conference, it was assumed my husband was separated. That's all the details I have.

I have caught my husband in lies - mostly about alcohol. I know I can't trust him.
Even though his drunk behavior has been atrocious - what bothers me the most is the potential cheating and I can't get him to admit it.

My friends think he has been gaslighting me all the years and I agree - he told me that I had mental health issues when he was the one who had relapsed and wasn't seeking treatment. So trying to get me to believe something that wasn't true.

When I told him that because he hid this "friendship" for over a year - no reasonable person would believe that he wasn't cheating. He said that when they knew how I snooped - they would side with him.

He is love bombing me - and I do love him - but I think too much has happened for us to move on. Based on what I have posted here, these are all indications he is a lying cheat right?

Yes.

He's also abusive. To you, and the kids. No child should have to hear what your children have heard.

Your children are watching. They know you're being abused. He doesn't seem serious about sobriety. But,even if he was, you aren't obligated to stay with a man who abused you in front of the kids.

His excuses for communicating with all of these women are flimsy.

Save yourself.

@hellfire, thank you for your response. I agree that I have been abused verbally - and honestly that night that he yelled at me for hours - I was worried he would hit me.

His mistress is alcohol. You, the kids, jobs, APs are all the way down the ladder.

Please make sure he does not drive while drinking. If he is, call the cops. He could kill someone, including your children.

@cooley2here - yes, I know. He is sober now and is working with a therapist but he could relapse. The 3 hour yelling situation was when I realized he wasn't fit to drive and intervened to protect my daughter and other motorists. You are 100% right.

I have told him in the past if he doesn't stop drinking he will die or end up in jail.

He’s an abusive alcoholic cheater. Even if it was EA not a PA, it was an A. And he is still behaving like a wayward with the sneaking, lying, gaslighting, and drama.

He is not sober. He’s just not drinking right now. He’s not working the 12 steps and figuring out his whys for his alcohol and cheating.

Please Divorce this guy and save you and your children. He’s a danger to you. Make sure your lawyer knows about the verbal abuse and the history of alcohol abuse. Your kids should never be in the car with him unless 100 he’s not been drinking.

This is all your 8 year old knows about love. He has no other role model. Please be that role model for your 8yo and show him that abuse is not acceptable.

I know this is really hard. But you can do it. Put you and your kids first.

Find somewhere to go with the kids for a few days, a week - tell him not to contact you whilst you think a few things through. Do not reach out to him or engage with him at all.
If it's coercive control he will go scorched earth, blow up your phone etc. That should be enough to persuade you to leave.
Maybe talk to a DV service about safety planning.

@bearlybreathing, Thank you - I need to read this to keep reminding myself that I need to go through with the divorce.

@vezfromtaz, he knows divorce is on the table - we both have lawyers. Thanks for being concerned about my safety.

Please do not let your "emotional" side overrule your logical side.

You outlined a number of valid reasons your marriage is damaged. Lying, cheating and drinking are the top three. Add in his raging at you and you have another reason he is not fit to be your husband.

No one wants to be the person to pull the trigger and initiate the D. However no one should have to live like you do either.

You can D, he can get sober and remain sober and you can be the best of friends. You can co-parent and be very good together. But should he relapse and start drinking again, you can also remove yourself from the situation too.

Don’t feel guilty for D. You didn’t create this situation.

At the point my H kept demanding a D (and then changing his mind) I was on the rollercoaster. It was hell. But on dday2 I finally wised up and decided my life and sanity was my priority. I couldn’t be in the rollercoaster any longer and it had to stop.

I was the only one who could stop it.

And very calmly I told him I was D him b/c I had nothing left to give to him or the marriage. I told him I was sorry it had to come to this.

I had no guilt. No regret. I didn’t feel good about the fact we were heading to D but I did not feel like I should have to live with a lying cheating husband either.

I hope this helps you.