SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But how do you actually do it?

While his EA's are not new, the fact that he's finally the one driving the 'lets fix us' bus is. Honestly, this time everything is vastly different and if I am honest with you all, it's really uncomfortable and strange for me. He set up the counseling for us, though we haven't had our first appointment yet.

We have tried to talk to each other and sometimes it goes ok. An issue we have, though, is he wants to jump right into making the marriage better and I keep telling him we can't do anything about the other marital issues until we can work through the cheating.

I told him that I don't have it in me to invest time and energy into a person that I can't trust my heart and emotions with.

I told him that, for me, there is a difference in choosing to trust a person and being unable to trust someone. After the first few EA's, I just chose to trust him, knowing that it could happen again, but I wanted to believe that it wouldn't. This time however, I physically/literally cannot trust him - even if I wanted too.

I told him that before this EA, I still believed that no matter what was going on, if we were angry at each other or whatnot, that I knew he loved me. Now though, I don't believe it at all. He told me that he does love me very much. I told him that he's lying to himself and me because you can't truly love someone and cheat on them multiple times. That's not how that works.

The problem is - I don't know how to get to the other side of his EA's. I don't know if having full access to his phone and computer is enough. I don't know if Google locations always on is enough. I don't know if him stepping up is enough.

I have been so utterly broken this time that I don't know if the pieces can be picked up.

When we talked recently, I told him that we don't know each other anymore. Neither of us are the same people we were 16 years ago. I need more then just our children in common to be able to stay together.

Is it just time that I need while we work on ourselves?
How do you start to integrate other marital issues in, even if you are not fully through the affair?

I keep telling him we can't do anything about the other marital issues until we can work through the cheating.

Damn straight. He needs to work on his stuff, you need to work on your stuff, and then you can come together and work on the marriage. I think that jumping right into wanting to work on the marriage instead of doing some serious introspection regarding one's own behavior is a form of rugsweeping.

Take a look at lessthinking's post in this forum called "Still on the fence". I think it might help you.

MC treats the M. Your M didn't fail; your H did. Driving the 'let's fix us' bus is a very indirect route to R at best. TBH, from the way you describe your H, MC is a way for him to avoid doing the work he needs to do.

Your H needs to change from betrayer to good partner, and that means he needs to drive the 'I'll fix me' bus. It also probably means I for him before MC will help you.

*****

To R, BS fixes BS; WS fixes WS; together they (re)build the M.

I think it helps for the BS to identify observable requirements for R. Observable is key - you need to be able to know if you're on track or not, and if not, you need to be able to adjust. Without observability, you won't know how well/poorly R is progressing.

Do you have requirements for R? If so, what are they?

MC treats the M. Your M didn't fail; your H did. Driving the 'let's fix us' bus is a very indirect route to R at best. TBH, from the way you describe your H, MC is a way for him to avoid doing the work he needs to do.

Your H needs to change from betrayer to good partner, and that means he needs to drive the 'I'll fix me' bus. It also probably means I for him before MC will help you.

Spot on. Where is his energy to 'fix me'?

The best thing that a wayward can do, if they really want the best result, is to (1) work hard on oneself, and (2) let go of the outcome. If he really wants what is best for you, he will not try to force your decisions. He has plenty of his own work in front of him to keep him occupied.

It's now been over a month since discovery. Has he been to any counseling?