SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In October 2020, I found out my husband was having an affair with his younger coworker. He moved out but we stayed in touch. He doesn't really want me as a wife but still likes having me around and I stupidly thought he'd see the error of his ways. She turned out to be less-than-loving to him and they broke up about 5 months after he moved out. After that, he said he loved me and would never want anyone else ever again - and that he couldn't ever cheat on me again because he saw how much it devastated me.

We've had moments where I thought we were on the right track but he's not a good communicator so I've never felt like anything ever got healed.

In early September, I found out he was spending time in a random flat. I confronted him, he lied at first, then said it was a friend he had met through another friend. She was gay or bi and they just hung out. I obviously didn't fall for that but he refused to come clean any further. Last night, I put the pieces together and confronted him again. He met me to "be upfront," which I said isn't possible when you've been caught but whatever.

He loves me, he doesn't want to lose me. It's not that serious with her but he also won't give her up.

I can't believe I'm here again. I am such an idiot. I hate myself for wasting these years but I hate more that I love him and don't want to let him go.

The first affair was classic infatuation and I could see all the ways he got to that point. I'm not excusing it at all but I could see it and it looked and felt like it was going to crash and burn. And it did.

This feels different. He wasn't escaping an unhappy job and relationship - he's known this woman for a couple of years and clearly one night they just fell into this new relationship. My gut says this is real for him and that feels even worse than the first time.

I don't really have any family - I've just been through a couple of years of family hell - and my friends love me but also will just say they told me so at this point. And I don't feel strong enough to hear that bc I'm too upset. So I've just been in bed crying all day because I'm so alone. He's been my family, he's my favourite person - yes after everything - and I don't know how to live without him. Obviously I'm not a total loser - life will go on. But I keep hearing "what's meant for you won't pass you by." I don't think love is meant for me. I think this was my one chance and I'll be alone from now on. And he gets love! How does he get to be happy? He's been telling me the whole time he's with her that he loves me but I know he won't actually cheat on her once their "official." That was just for me.

He said last night he always thought he'd die alone. I said I had been there and he didn't have to - but I think now I will and he'll be with her. I don't understand how someone who can devastate the person he claimed to love more than anyone else can just turn around and be happy with someone new.

I hate this. But I know once I say goodbye to him there will be a permanent hole in my life. We get along so well, we make each other laugh and I just know I won't find it again. But he already has.

That hole won’t be permanent. It perfectly illustrates his emptiness and narcissism. You will get better and the sooner you let go, the better.
Good luck.

So sorry you have to be here. (Again).

I don't see you saying you are going to leave him. Are you going to let him leave you instead? Or are you going to take this over and over again? He clearly doesn't love you, you are his easy fallback because he is terribly afraid of being alone. It's hard to hear that right now.

Saying love isn't for you is how you feel in the moment, that is your insecurity talking. Nothing about what he did is about you and it is all about him. Once you can let it go, truly let go it'll get better for you. Now it's only worrying what he is doing, where he is. What he is lying about. That will never change as long as you are with him.

I'd advise you to take control, be the one who handles it and decides what happens.

If your friends love you, they won't say "we told you so". They know they did, they don't need to say that. And I feel like you can use all the support and love from them. Please ask for help and make sure you don't have to carry this all alone. The people around me are the ones that helped me through it all and now, a year after everything went down, I'm happier than the past 10 years.

Sorry to welcome you back!

In time you will have a happy life without him.

Please start putting yourself first and don't tolerate his crap one second longer.

He has his cake and is eating it, too, close the bakery once and for all. Find the courage to stand up to this manipulator and tell him your relationship is over, you deserve better, and he has shown you who he truly is.

Find a good counselor for yourself, get your ducks in a row, stay active with a job or hobby or friends, anything that makes you happy.

You will be ok.

Sending a huge virtual hug....

He loves me, he doesn't want to lose me.

Bullshit. Sorry to be blunt with this, but he dealt with the fallout of one affair and jumped right into another fully knowing what he was doing and the devastation it would cause. He doesn't give a fuck about anything other than his selfish desires.

I don't mean to be hurtful or harsh with that, but you need to hear it and even moreso, understand it. You deserve a hell of a lot better than being a minor inconvenience in your own marriage. You do deserve love and you do deserve respect and you do deserve safety. Put yourself first to start taking care of your needs.

Just because the uncertainty is scary is no reason to become addicted to the pain and the poison. Just pulling the poison needle out will make your life infinitely better on its own.

You have a lot to offer and you deserve to be happy. Believe in yourself and know that you'll be okay.

From what you write, I think you see yourself as somehow deserving this. That's as far wrong as you can be. Your H is cheating because of his own issues, not because of issues in your or in your M. He has failed as an H and as a human being. You haven't.

I do think you're failing yourself. You seem to see yourself as unlovable. In fact, you are loving, lovable, and capable.

Have you considered IC? A good IC can help you correct your view of yourself. You really are loving, lovable, and capable. Once you realize that being alone won't terrify you. In fact, seeing yourself as you really are may attract really good friends and even the partner you want.

Kind people don’t keep another on the hook. You are his place keeper. Is that kind? No.
Please get IC with a trauma specialist. Also, look at info about covert narcissism.