SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just found out early Monday morning that my husband of 20 years got a Happy Ending at a massage parlor on Sunday. I found out because he was acting strange about it, made a couple of comments about the place being "gross" and not wanting to go back there. Something made me press him for more details and that is when he shared that he had gotten a HJ. He swears that there was no oral or intercourse. When I asked if any other part of his body was in touch with hers he said his hand was on her butt.

I am BEYOND devastated. We have 2 kids, ages 11 and 15, who adore him. I am completely shocked as this is totally (or so I thought) out of character for him. He has always told me that strip clubs and the like creep him out and make him sad for the people who work there.

He admitted that getting a happy ending was an "adolescent fantasy" but now that he has done it, he has no interest in doing it again. He has started individual counseling (sorry I don’t know the abbreviations yet) to try to understand the why of why he did it. He claims that he was feeling overall completely dissatisfied with life (mainly work related as he has had some rejections) but it has "nothing to do" with me. He says that he is disgusted with his behavior and is remorseful, definitely views it as cheating.

However as the days have gone by, I am sensing that he is getting annoyed with the fact that I’m not "over it" yet. When I replied in a raw, unfiltered way to an apology email he wrote me (which I asked for as i wanted to see his reasons to commit to the marriage/family in writing) he became angry at me, as if I didn’t have the right to tell him my true feelings. I am worried this is a red flag. Shouldn’t he be on his knees, begging for forgiveness? I know I would be.

I am just so hurt, this feels like a nightmare. Barely eating or sleeping. It has been almost impossible to work, I can think of nothing else. We are both seeing therapists separately but from what i can see from his first session, his therapist doesn’t seem too concerned with the act and told him that "it’s unrealistic to expect perfection in a marriage." I don’t know if it makes sense to start MC now or wait. When does survival mode end? Thank you for your feedback.

So very sorry you find yourself here! You are in trauma response mode. Take care of you. Read in the healing library and the pinned threads to give you some perspective. It is very normal for the cheater to minimize and lie about the extent of the betrayal. It is very common for the cheater to want to rugsweep the infidelity. Don't do it. He has to hear your feelings. His therapist should be trained in infidelity. You should seek out IC for your trauma as well.

Be skeptical. Do you believe it has only been one time? He should be transparent and open. He has to understand the devastating impact his actions have had on the M.

Take care of your health. Get tested for STDS to be on the safe side. Eat healthy and exercise. Post often. Many have been exactly where you are. Good luck.

Hi, welcome to SI, so sorry you find yourself here.

Please make an appt. to get tested for STDs because cheaters lie....all of them. If I were you, I'd do a little digging to find out if this was the only time, another member here who is skeptical. All cheaters minimize their actions.... We just kissed, we had our clothes on, she only touched one body part, you get my drift. Check your credit card bills, phone records, emails, whatever you can get your hands on without him knowing. Go into investigative mode.

Why did he confess so easily? Has he been to an MD?

his therapist doesn’t seem too concerned with the act and told him that "it’s unrealistic to expect perfection in a marriage."

^^If your husband is telling the truth, and I highly doubt that any therapist would just sweep his actions under the rug, he needs to find a new therapist asap.

I am worried this is a red flag. Shouldn’t he be on his knees, begging for forgiveness? I know I would be.

^^Bingo! You hit the nail on the head, he turned your world upside down, it doesn't sound as though he is remorseful. Please do a bit of sleuthing.

I'm sorry.

Welcome here little sister...

You have every right to be upset, confused, angry, scared, and "not over it". Your husband committed a betrayal of his vows to you and your marriage. A quick "sorry" ain't gonna cut it. It takes a hell of a lot of work to rebuild trust and you can't just sweep it under the rug. Remorse means acknowledging what one did, putting plans in place to make sure it doesn't happen again, working on rebuilding the marriage, and empathising with those you hurt without rugsweeping, blameshifting, lying, or minimising.

I agree with annb, there may be more to the story. Something like this almost smells like a small confession to see how open you are to it. I also call complete bullshit with any credible therapist saying "no big deal". It's a huge fucking deal - it's not something healthy, functional adults in a committed relationship do and it put your health and his at risk.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Make sure to also consult a doctor because you are likely suffering from depression and need to take care of your physical health as part of your overall wellbeing. I'm sorry to say, it is going to take both time and effort on your part to heal from this. It's normal to cycle all over the place emotionally. But if you can keep an end-goal of healing and protecting what is important to you, and stay true to your values and integrity, things will get better.

Take some time to think about you. What do you want out of this? What does reconciling or divorce look like to you? What do you see in your future for you to be happy?

Hang in there, little sister... stray smart, stay strong, and stay true...

You're gonna be okay.

Thank you so much for your replies, they are very helpful. I checked the credit card statements and he has been to a different Asian massage place several times since August. He was telling me whenever he would "grab a massage." He swears to God that nothing happened at that one. I don’t know how I would know for sure. But I know that when he went to this one on Sunday, he knew what he was getting into. It just hurts like hell.

Someone suggested exercising and TBH I am having trouble doing anything at all. I am a counselor myself and in between clients I am lying in bed sobbing. I am just having a few bites of food a couple times a day. I pray that I will eventually get energy back??

I told him today that it feels like he is being angry/hostile towards me and he said no, he’s just remorseful. I was like well it seems pretty cold. I am hurting so much. He doesn’t seem to know how to show me that he gets what he has done. This is so hard to hide in front of the kids. Nightmare.

I don’t know how I would know for sure.

It can be difficult to get all of the information, especially if you WH is good at hiding it, but sleuthing can sometimes reveal more. But, there is a saying on here that rings quite true - trust your gut. Somewhere between our conscious and subconscious, between the rational and irrational, our instincts are putting all the pieces together and screaming the truth out to us.

Someone suggested exercising and TBH I am having trouble doing anything at all. I am a counselor myself and in between clients I am lying in bed sobbing. I am just having a few bites of food a couple times a day. I pray that I will eventually get energy back??

Exercise, absolutely yes. I found dropping and doing pushups great for when the anxiety attacks hit to constructively deplete the stress and refocus my emotions. I highly suggest trying this (don't worry... you could do a hundred pushups a day and you won't look anything close to Arnold, you'll just lean up). As for the eating, I found Ensure (vitamin/protein milkshake meal replacements) to be a good way to help with caloric intake. It's normal to lose your appetite and some weight, but you especially need to control your diet and ensure healthy eating. It's also normal to sob and lie around - don't deny yourself the pain as that's part of healing, but at the same time, you can make a conscious effort to redirect some of those energies into constructive activities and doing things for yourself to rebuild your self esteem. A small step or a little at a time all adds up in the end. Don't deny yourself the self care you need - you need to be at your best for you and your kids.

Having trouble functioning is normal, alas. Finding out that you've been betrayed is traumatic.

Exercise is great, but if you want to cry, crying is great, too. When you're done crying, though, get your body moving and hydrated. You know that, right?

Have you counseled victims of infidelity. If you have, what have you said to your clients? Have those words helped them? Do they help you?

I was very strong emotionally on d-day. I hope and expect that as a counselor, you were in oretty good shape emotionally before Monday. My strength helped me, and I hope your strength heps you - but being betrayed is a tremendous blow, extremely disorienting. What I found helpful was activating an 'observer' ego state that just watched me ride the waves of pain and made sure I met my commitments in between the waves of pain.

Three days is a little quick to get over being betrayed. Think 2-5 years for recovery. If your H isn't ready for the long haul, I don't see how he can change from cheater to good partner.

Have you asked your H about the other CC charges? IDK ... 'Asian massage parlor' doesn't say 'massage therapy' to me. If I needed massage therapy, I'd go to a certified massage therapist. So I wonder if this was his only 'happy ending'.

*****

Your H doesn't look like a good candidate for R to me. But that's for right now - he may change.

What you need to be telling yourself are messages like:

This is about him and his issues, not about you or your M.

You can heal whether you D or R.

Your kids can heal even if you D - in fact, if your H won't make himself into a good partner, they may heal more fully if you D than if you stay together.

He has to heal himself - you can not heal him. You can provide emotional support, but he has to heal himself, just as you have to heal yourself.

Have faith in yourself to heal.

Your WH is upset that in less than a week you haven’t completely gotten over his cheating, forgiven him, and moved on? Yeah, that is not remorse. That is the opposite of remorseful. He is in no way thinking about you and your feelings. This is a trauma and betrayal, not a marital annoyance or imperfection. Leaving socks on the floor is imperfection. Paying for unprotected sex with a stranger is betrayal.

Please see an IC yourself (do you have a supervisor you can work with?). Accept this this will take a long long time to work through. And ignore his words and only watch his actions. He’s acting like an entitled rug-sweeper, not a remorseful husband dedicated to fixing his shit and helping you manage through this shock and trauma.

As others have said, get tested for STD and make sure he does (and shows you his results) before having sex with him. Drink lots of water and eat healthfully, exercise and get enough sleep. See your doctor if you are struggling with any of these. Sip on protein shakes if eating is hard right now.

Talk to someone IRL— get IC for yourself.

As for acting out his adolescent fantasy, that’s bullsh*t. That’s what bedroom play is for. Not doing something both illegal and dangerous.

Read in the healing library and think about implementing the 180. This gives you room to think and process without worrying about him. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I’m so sorry you had to find us. Keep posting and reading. You will get through this.