Having trouble functioning

Just found out early Monday morning that my husband of 20 years got a Happy Ending at a massage parlor on Sunday. I found out because he was acting strange about it, made a couple of comments about the place being "gross" and not wanting to go back there. Something made me press him for more details and that is when he shared that he had gotten a HJ. He swears that there was no oral or intercourse. When I asked if any other part of his body was in touch with hers he said his hand was on her butt.

I am BEYOND devastated. We have 2 kids, ages 11 and 15, who adore him. I am completely shocked as this is totally (or so I thought) out of character for him. He has always told me that strip clubs and the like creep him out and make him sad for the people who work there.

He admitted that getting a happy ending was an "adolescent fantasy" but now that he has done it, he has no interest in doing it again. He has started individual counseling (sorry I don’t know the abbreviations yet) to try to understand the why of why he did it. He claims that he was feeling overall completely dissatisfied with life (mainly work related as he has had some rejections) but it has "nothing to do" with me. He says that he is disgusted with his behavior and is remorseful, definitely views it as cheating.

However as the days have gone by, I am sensing that he is getting annoyed with the fact that I’m not "over it" yet. When I replied in a raw, unfiltered way to an apology email he wrote me (which I asked for as i wanted to see his reasons to commit to the marriage/family in writing) he became angry at me, as if I didn’t have the right to tell him my true feelings. I am worried this is a red flag. Shouldn’t he be on his knees, begging for forgiveness? I know I would be.

I am just so hurt, this feels like a nightmare. Barely eating or sleeping. It has been almost impossible to work, I can think of nothing else. We are both seeing therapists separately but from what i can see from his first session, his therapist doesn’t seem too concerned with the act and told him that "it’s unrealistic to expect perfection in a marriage." I don’t know if it makes sense to start MC now or wait. When does survival mode end? Thank you for your feedback.

7 comments posted: Thursday, October 26th, 2023