WS Here, heading into year 8 of R.
I know a lot of people say to never have both the WS and BS on SI, and while I agree that it's probably good advice in many cases, we are an example of it being right for us. Yes, having both BS and WS post means that whatever you post is going to be read by your spouse, and for some people, that means they are going to "hold back" or not be 100% open and honest. That's a choice, however.
In our case, it was helpful. It was helpful because we were both able to get feedback and advice from the community, and it was helpful to the community because they always had "the full picture" of what was really going on in both of our minds. There were many times where she posted "her side of the story" and I posted mine, and we were able to get honest and well-informed feedback from the community. And that feedback went both ways sometimes.
It helped me personally because my wife did NOT hold back her feelings, opinions, experiences, or anything else. In fact, I often had a much deeper look into her feelings online, because often, our verbal discussions at home would devolve into anger or frustration, and people aren't always honest and open about their feelings in the midst of a screaming match. But online, we could each just be composed and honest about what we were thinking and feeling. So I got to see what she was really feeling. And she got to see where I was too. Many times, I had my head planted firmly up my ass, and with the full story in place, SI was able to tell me so. It's one thing when your spouse tells you something, it's another when a whole community tells you. To this day, I appreciate the honesty and 2x4's that came my way. My wife also had days when people called her out, when she had things she needed to accept. But that would not have been possible if we had not both been online, active, sharing, and honest.
As a WS, having the WS's here to help me was paramount to my healing. And my healing took a LONG time. I was stuck in wayward "la la land" for a few years, and it was doubtful we were going to survive as a couple. But with SI's help (and a hell of lot of therapy and hard work, to be clear) my head was removed from my ass, and actual healing was able to begin. But I don't know if I would have made it to that point without SI, and without the open and honest sharing that my wife and I both did.
Yeah, it's uncomfortable, it's not perfect, and it might cause some arguments or hurt feelings sometimes. But then again, it's not as if those things are not going to happen anyway. Better they happen with a purpose of healing rather than destruction.
Anyway, as I said, here we are, still together, planning our retirement together, looking forward to a time when we can just do the things we want to do and live the life we want to live together. It's not perfect. We can't make the hurt go away. But we can both decide what our story is moving forward.
I don't think there is anything that I wished we had NOT done as a couple on SI. The hardest parts were the most helpful.
I wish you both the best.
[This message edited by DaddyDom at 5:20 PM, Sunday, October 22nd]