SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm two months out from DD#2. DD#1 was 10+ years ago and was over-the-line flirty texts. I chose then to reconcile. With DD#2 I'm unsure if I want to reconcile or divorce (DD#2 was inappropriate texting and finding out about one physical contact of kissing 15 years ago).

I'm hoping for guidance on how to best handle this stage of limbo. I'm working on patience and not rushing to a decision, and he is being patient as well. I'm not wanting anything more than an occasional hug during this time. He would like to plan a date night (something I asked him to do for years) but I'm not sure I want to. I also don't know if it's good for either of us if I ask for him to jump through a bunch of hoops while I'm in limbo. For the record I'm not talking about IC or couple's counseling, those we are both doing and sharing our insights. I'm talking about intimacy and additional repair/trust-building exercises.

Thoughts?

It may seem like an extreme measure but why not schedule a polygraph, so you can understand who and what you are considering R with?

It took years and years of intense questioning and getting umpteen variations on his stories until the whole extent of my Betrayal was revealed. I didn't go far enough with Discovery to consider asking him for a lie-detector test, and it set things back to square one later on, when I learned the extent of what he had withheld from me. Also, secrets like that wouldn't be a good basis upon which to build any M back.

Something sounds almost, I dunno, 'tame?' about your D-Day confessions, I'm sorry to say, so whatever the truth may be, keep trusting your gut!

Maybe I’m extreme but I requested a polygraph almost right away. I needed to know what I was dealing with and didn’t trust the person who had just lied to and betrayed me. So I agree with getting that set up if you’re even considering R.

I’m only 3.5 months post D-day so by no means an expert. But I told WH that I was focusing on my healing and not the marriage. We needed to be respectful towards one another and would continue to run our house and co-parent together but everything else would be at my pace. If he wanted to stay in the house, full transparency was a requirement. No way I was letting him stay if he was actively continuing to cheat. We stopped marriage counseling and focused fully on our own ICs. Sometimes I’m really affectionate, sometimes I want space. WH has been respectful of that.

Sorry you’re in this awful position.

I also don't know if it's good for either of us if I ask for him to jump through a bunch of hoops while I'm in limbo.

Timeline for reference:

D-day 1 10/1/17 - learned of 4-5 month long A with married co-worker)
D-day 2 10/1/18 (yep - exactly 1 year later) - learned that A never stopped so false-R for a year
D-day 3 March or April 2019 - learned A had stopped for about 3 months and then resumed again
Planned to leave and move in early 2020. Divorce filed late 2019 (finalized early 2020) still in house separation. COVID happened so stayed until early 2021 when I bought a house a 20+ hour drive away and moved.

During 2019 and 2020 when we were separated, in limbo, divorcing, and then still living together we decided - sort of fluidly - to try to reconcile our friendship first. We now date, although infrequently with no plans to move to where the other is. But we talk all the time.

WH and I were good friends for a long time - and it was really hard to lose that friendship. Also, on my own and with the help of my IC, I determined that if he and I could not remain friends - could not repair our friendship - there was no point in trying to repair the relationship. As honestly I wasn't sure I wanted to be friends with this person who did these things to me....so we started there - with the friendship. Our time together was spent on talking about the A, but it was without the pressure of romantic intimacy - it was about me being able to like him again, as a person - as someone I wanted to spend time with. That was all part of the trust issues - I needed to trust him before I could consider the rest - the rest felt forced to me if that makes any sense?

Pretend he is someone you barely know and don't like or dislike. He is NOTHING to you until he has brought you out of limbo. Remember, he did this not you and act accordingly.
Don't ask him to "jump through hoops," let him decide to do that on his own, or not.
It is not your job to make up your mind and forgive. It is his to make restitution and earn that forgiveness. If he cannot do that, then he doesn't deserve you anyway.