SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had been cheating on me for a year in a half with multiple affair partners.

The only support I considered having in my life was my husband, and I still feel like he is my only support even though I have a strong hatred towards him related to the betrayal... Sadly, much of my identity came from our marriage; joint social media accounts, email accounts, shared dreams, future children, etc. I don't have a supportive family (I don't have any family); his family isn't supportive of me either. And I don't have any close friends. I put all my eggs in one basket with this man.

Over the last two months, D-Day, DV, the roller coaster of emotions, and the drip method of finding everything out have caused me to take a leave of absence from my job to "figure things out." Another lost sense of self...

After going back and forth for weeks as to whether I wanted a divorce, I decided a postnuptial agreement would be in my best interest with the impending pressure of graduate school coming up. I thought his support could help me get through school, this three-year program. I applied to this grad school program last year before I knew about his infidelity, lying, and stealing... However, after weeks of working on this, this has not been reviewed by my lawyer or filed with the courts yet...

I found a perfect place to live next to the campus (4 hours away) and decided we were going to separate for a while, living in separate households, so that I could focus on school and hopefully heal our relationship. I don't have that place secured yet and classes started today, and I am completely overwhelmed and defeated. I'm already like 10 hours behind on the readings. Such a horrible start.

I feel like I am not ready to dive into this program; I'm leaning toward dropping out. Another lost piece of myself... What sucks is that if I drop out now, I will have to go through the application process again -- the thousands of dollars in time and effort spent on these classes, the six months, the costs and fees, the effort to coordinate all my references, the 30-page application, the training, compliances, everything I needed to get into the program, I would have to re-do...There's no guarantee I would be able to get into this program again anyway.

My husband expects me to be able to sit through these classes and apply myself fully to the program as if nothing happened. The constant conflict and yelling; screaming and crying just bring me down even more.

I realized I don't want to go back to work; all those stressors at that job, I can't handle. My husband wanted me to work there instead of working where I wanted to work...

I feel like if I drop out of this program, I will have completely lost everything I've worked for and my dream career/life.

If I quit my job and have to drop out of the program because I cannot handle it right now, then what?

I am just really struggling and feel like I have completely lost myself. I don't think I have the strength to pull through.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation or can offer any advice?

At what point should I decide whether to give up on everything and start over?

[This message edited by OperationBunnyStorm at 10:08 PM, Monday, August 21st]

Oh goodness don’t drop out! Getting a masters itself is stressful but I think it will help keep your mind off your troubles! Don’t let him rob of that dream! You can do this!

Please DO NOT DROP OUT! Going to school and living away from your cheating husband should give you the ability to clear your head and figure out what you want going forward.

Over the last two months, D-Day, DV

^^^Was there domestic violence involved?

Are you in IC?

A little bit of my backstory: When I found out about my wH A, I was back in school. Was almost done, I think I had four courses left. I was able to get through the semester when I found out about the A. And the next semester as well. Third semester after D-Day, I dropped out. Worst decision of my life, I think I put too much pressure on myself to get top grades when looking back I should have just stayed and gotten through those two courses even if I had to settle for a mediocre grade. I was working part-time and taking care of a household and three children, and the pressure got to me.

It's something I always regret, and just another added consequence after my wH A.

You will enjoy your classes, you will meet new people, maybe an entire fresh start for your life.

BTW, how long have you been married?

I am in IC.

I believe I have been receiving a lot of false reassurance from my therapist and my husband who doesn't quite understand.

The problem with the program is that everything builds on itself and the program gets more intense. Then the last semester is the worst and demands every ounce of my time and energy. If I just half-ass the courses, it's going to be more and more difficult. All the information scaffolds on each other, and they say that once I start I cannot take a leave of absence. I would have to do it all over again.

I've decided that I cannot do this right now. I need to just move on with the divorce, find housing for myself, and start over. I need to build a support network before considering schooling.

We've been married about 8 years; together for 11.

[This message edited by OperationBunnyStorm at 1:32 AM, Tuesday, August 22nd]

stay in school. What if you D and get alimony/support and can go to school full time?
Do NOT sacrifice your future for him. just the opposite.

You can do this — you are a badass bunny and you are stronger than you know.

Hello, Bunnystorm. I saw your post and can relate, as a professor at a major research university. About 18 months ago, after losing my father, I found out my wife was having an affair with my colleague and "friend" from the university. Anyhow, there’s a lot of background including 18 + years of marriage, a child with profound special needs, and her and my childhood trauma.

What I can tell you is that for me, teaching my classes and my regular service work on campus with committees and university governance kept me sane. It was the only time I did not think about the betrayal, rerun all the many interactions with the AP in our home, et cetera.

Try starting your academic program and see if you too don’t feel better. I can tell you that I still hurt terribly, especially since our life remains complicated with our child’s medical needs, but I still find that I am able to find relief in my work.

One other thing: as is advised everywhere, including this forum, don’t make rash decisions in the heat of emotion. Of course, it’s easy to say and sometimes hard to follow.

At nearly 18 months, I still feel the pain just as sharply as the first time I heard what happened. However, I do have longer periods of clarity, where I am not focused on negative thoughts and emotions.

I have stopped myself on several occasions from doing something stupid. Just as my wife wanted to escape our reality, even if only for a brief moment, I sometimes felt like throwing it all away.

The best revenge is always to live your best life, consistent with your values. Find the positive affirmations that Lee you focused on these values. Imagine that I see my colleague regularly on campus, and he has even goaded me in an attempt to bring out my rage and flip the narrative. I tell myself that he wants what I have, not the other way around.

Start your program and see if you can not find some relief in your work!

Check this on YouTube
Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma - The difference between Genuine Love and Attachment

I am going to go against the grain here and tell you to do a few things IMMEDIATELY, one of which is dropping out AS A LAST RESORT. As a former law student, PhD student, Masters student, and undergrad student (2 undergrad degrees and 5 degrees total) I have an ungodly amount of experience with going to school (and quite a lot of experience in fucking it up as well - most of my regrets in life, even post-infidelity relate to how difficult I made my career path due to bad management of my education). Sadly I also have the infidelity credentials to give you some advice.

First the school advice:

1) Contact admissions and or a counselor there (school counselor not someone on the mental health side of things) RIGHT NOW and explain to them what is happening and see if they will let you defer for a semester. When I was in law school we had someone going through something similar and the school was very willing to let them defer. When my father had a horrible accident when I was in grad school I was also allowed to defer (as it turns out I ended up moving so I never started the program) but they were very helpful. If you get someone who says no, keep calling, writing emails to whoever you can right now. Tell them you are having a mental health crisis or whatever you need, but talk to someone there - you may be surprised at what you find they will allow you to do. Also take a look at your course catalog which usually will have deferment spelled out in it - there may be a rule you are not aware of that allows you to defer. Again, DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

The problem with the program is that everything builds on itself and the program gets more intense. Then the last semester is the worst and demands every ounce of my time and energy. If I just half-ass the courses, it's going to be more and more difficult.

2) If not, is there a way you can reduce to part time - that may give you less to handle, depending on your graduate program it may or may not be an option. For my graduate degree, part time would have been okay for me (maybe) in dealing with the whole infidelity mess. Law school part time would have been a disaster. Only you know if your degree program is something where part time, if possible, may be a workable option.

3) If, after you exhaust the above options, and have no choice - withdraw/drop out IF your post-graduate career field will rely heavily on your GPA/grades. Example: law school and obtaining a legal job post-graduation in the US is heavily focused on your GPA and which school you attended in law school - (the better the GPA/school the more doors are open) and depending on the legal job you want, without the right waving paper, some jobs are simply out of reach unless you have a great inside connection - sometimes even years after you graduate employers will still ask (totally ridiculous but true). The career options post a masters in accounting isn't nearly as GPA/where you went to school-centric, so not having a perfect school resume isn't nearly the big deal law school grades were. If you want to move into academics (as in non-elementary/high school) then grades are a must.

Basically, try to defer right now if you can or go PT if you think you can handle it. IMO you do not need to f-up your resume if you can't focus.

Here's the infidelity example:

I took my dream job that I had worked years to obtain, and had d-day 2 the first day of my job. I had fantastic references, the job was close to our house, and I had been working in contract positions all over the country for several years to get the experience I needed to get it - and there was only about 6 positions that I wanted in my whole state, and I managed to get one of them! Needless to say I f-ed it all up post d-day 2. I stuck it out, but it was miserable, my job performance was NOT good, and I left at the end of 2 years. My job was one of those jobs where there was no way I could leave it off my resume, and there was little chance that my "dream job" boss wouldn't be called for a reference, and I desperately wanted to continue in this very very niche field where not everyone across the country knew each other but they all work for the same "company" so reference checking was likely. My boss indicated to me when I was looking for work the two months before I left, that it would be better if people didn't call him for a reference because he thought I was a really nice person, but he wasn't going to lie. In other words, my job performance was terrible, I had told him about the infidelity but he believed that should not have affected my performance for so long (it got better but it was pretty awful that first year-year and a half), and to avoid having people call him for a reference. I got lucky - COVID lockdown happened (which in my career field lasted until late 2021) and I was offered a similar temporary position and they didn't call my boss because they knew one of my former bosses who thought I was fantastic. It was very lucky - as I could have easily ruined the career path I wanted (and indeed I did have several rejections take place after interviews that went really well - one even said as we were finishing up "so I have to go through the whole references-formality thing and then I'll be calling you to get a start time in place etc" - and then several days later I got the thanks but no thanks email).

The lesson is, you know your post-grad career field so you will know better than I what the damage a bad semester can do. For the accounting path, I think I may have been able to get through part time. For law school I would have been toast and wrecked everything.

Interestingly when I told my dream job boss about the infidelity, he was very sympathetic. He said something very similar to this to me (just substitute program for job):

Start your program and see if you can not find some relief in your work!

I appreciated the vote of confidence from my boss and I believed it would happen for a bit, but for me, I was too distracted, too unable to focus, and I made a total miserable mess of it . I spent more time parked on a side street away from my work on breaks sobbing and crying and checking messages and obsessing than I did focusing. I will admit, during those years I spent a LOT of time sitting in my office on this very site - which kept me alive, but certainly didn't help my work product.

What I can tell you is that for me, teaching my classes and my regular service work on campus with committees and university governance kept me sane. It was the only time I did not think about the betrayal, rerun all the many interactions with the AP in our home, et cetera.

This quote above may be the case for you - It was not for me. That being said I think had I been able to work part time I may have been able to pull it off. IDK - my work was riddled with mistakes that I normally would never make, and I was very slow to learn the new aspects of my position, which again, never has before or since been a problem.

I do recommend getting out of there (your house with WS - that area) - which is why I still think the PT option may be better for you if it is available. Make that call to your school now and talk about OPTIONS.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:37 PM, Tuesday, August 22nd]

I wanted to add - don't let my post be all doom and gloom. It did get better for me - I have an even better dream job that I never thought would happen (or even exist) that I obtained last year - it's beyond my wildest dreams awesome, and I did move away, and get a great house on amazing property - again better than I would ever have imagined. Things are not all sunshine and roses - I have crappy days too, but they are better than I could have imagined back when I was sitting in your shoes.

You will get there - just don't rashly make a decision without knowing all your options. In other words, don't be me 5 years ago and just waffle between quitting and walking out the door (I almost did that twice - I actually packed up my office and put all my stuff in the car once and started driving for several hours before turning back), and being paralyzed and sticking with the status quo. I'm willing to bet you have more options than you think you do.