SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been lurking here for years - got some amazing insight - and felt pretty desperate tonight so signed up feeling like I just need some kind of support.

I really hope some people can help me, because I feel like I have no understanding from anybody around me and I feel tortured inside by all this.

I had been with my partner for about 2 years when he had an affair during a long distance relationship. I found out from the AP. DDay was September 2020. I thought back then that phone call was the worst moment of my life but I really had no idea what was coming.

Immediate aftermath

I was absolutely devastated. I ended it immediately and remember feeling so bad I really didn't know what to do with myself. I think in hindsight there was a lot of bargaining and denial going on because I really didn't want to accept what was happening and it didn't seem at all real.

His reaction was to end the affair immediately (quite brutally) and try and win me back. Letters, calls, texts, gifts, tears with him begging for another chance.

Months later, I took his phone and read their messages from the time, and he was messaging the AP to say he couldn't live without me and loved me and not her etc. and he was sorry for hurting her but it was all a big mistake and he needed to do everything possible to have a hope of getting me back.

Like I said, we had only been in a relationship for two years and it was long distance for some of that. No kids. No shared life really. It would have been very easy to walk away if he wanted to, so I had no reason not to believe he was being honest.

The first few months of reconciliation

His attitude was that he had done the most stupid thing he would regret forever and he'd happily and willingly do everything to repair things. He did everything suggested on this website in spades.

I was really reluctant to even try and reconcile, infidelity for me had always been a complete dealbreaker, but I read things on this site that made me see with a willing partner you can make it through. He promised absolutely everything to me - including everything recommended on this site, which we read together, but that lasted a few months only.

Months 3 to 6

This part was my idea of living hell, and the things that happened have genuinely traumatised me. We were still long distance initially, and he started missing the AP. Then he started talking to her a little at work. And of course, I got very, very, very, very angry. And the pleasant reconciliation turned to a lot of raging arguments.

He gradually switched from being really enthusiastic and positive about "doing the work of healing from his affair" to avoiding it, making excuses and eventually almost sneering at it like it was a waste of time and why couldn't I just forgive him. He seemed to be unable to handle any criticism from me, and was incredibly self defensive. He started drinking extremely heavily to a point I was really freaked out by it.

Always after me criticising him or telling him I was done, he would seek out the AP for comfort and that escalated and escalated until he slept with her again when he was drunk and upset. His physical and mental health really unravelled over that time and so did mine. Actually I think I was in actual medical shock. I remember having to take sick leave for about six months, and I lost my house in the end from that. I was really not okay.

Obviously, I told him to go to hell, but he would consistently message me saying he loved me and he was so sorry. Which I didn't understand at all -because if you love somebody how or why would you do that to them?

Months 6 to 18

He left his job and moved to where I was to "win me back" and I was in a really bad state mentally at the time. I don't think my brain could really understand what was even happening.. I still look back and can't really understand. We started seeing one another again, on the heartfelt promise that we'd really get into "the work", but it never happened. There was always some excuse.

Then he got very sick. He was diagnosed with lupus, and he was in and out of hospital with serious health issues constantly and that suddenly took hold of everything. Over time he became more or less disabled and can't handle stress of any kind or he flares right up and the flares can be so bad that I slowly became frightened to even bring it up.

He didn't do any of the "work", but we had lots of conversations over that time, with me trying to understand everything he'd done and why. He just said it was always me he loved and wanted and he has no idea why he did what he did, he said at the time it felt like an addiction of some kind and he seems disgusted by it and confused.

I can't understand that at all. If it was so great he felt "addicted", then why he didn't want to just stay with her? That made me feel really depressed. Like I was lacking something, and that feeling never left me. I just feel like a completely worthless person, and I stopped wanting sex and taking care of myself because of the idea that at one point he ever felt like an addiction to another person.

I was in a lot of pain and felt like he never did what he needed to do to repair anything. I got sadder and sadder and angrier and angrier and started to act out. We had some blazing fights, after which his lupus would get worse and worse. Then he blamed me for being so sad and angry - saying we'd never have a happy life if I couldn't just move on. He was saying I was ruining our relationship :( Which I think is a bit abusive.

Which made me even angrier.

Then his health got so bad I pretty much just gave up thinking about me or my needs to get over his affair.

the last year

In the every day he was kind, loving, attentive, generous and met all my every day needs. He was consistently devoted and reliable. He was great. But he wanted to sweep the whole episode under the carpet like it never happened. He definitely didn't want to do therapy - for us or himself. He just wanted to pretend it never happened and move forward and any attempt for me to raise that would result in "why can't you get over it already?" or "you're always attacking me".

Then he'd apologise and say I had every right to be angry and he knew he hadn't done what he was meant to do, but it's too hard and he's sick. He'd tell me I deserved better and he loved me. He just wasn't strong enough he said.

I eventually gave up trying to get what I needed and stopped talking and just drifted away. I got very, very depressed. To the point of not leaving the couch for six months and losing my job. He complained I didn't want to spend time with him anymore, that I didn't want to have sex, that I didn't speak to him and he said he was lonely.

It's true: I didn't. It's not him. The thought of me disgusts me. I don't feel I can make him happy or excited like she did. I don't feel like anything at all. I can't talk to him because I can't say what I am thinking or feeling. I am lonely. I feel alone in this.

I left last week.

He's cried and pleased and begged me to come back. But I just don't feel I can continue like this. Nothing ever got fixed and all he does is ask me "what do you want me to do???" and I no longer know how to answer.

Do I still love him? Yes. I wish I didn't though. I wish I hated him because I am so angry and resentful and I am in so much pain and he caused it and then didn't help resolve it.

I am confused and lost.

I am completely frozen in pain.

I have lost who I was completely. I was beautiful and fun and athletic and successful and now I am just sad, I am so sad inside and I don't want to fight for myself anymore. I just want to hole up and disappear.

He keeps asking me what he can do and saying he can't cope with life without me, but honestly not ONE single time in all this time do I feel like he ever empathised with me. It was always about him being defensive. Or in self pity. He just can't see me.

I feel like things are hopeless, I mean, I know it is so bad. But how do I move forward anyway? I am not expecting fireworks - but I want to know how I can exist without being in constant pain. I would give almost anything for him to sit in front of me and say "I have been to therapy and this is why I did this and this is what I learned and this is why I will never do that again and this is how much you are worth"

Just him making that effort would have restored some of the worth and dignity he took from me.

I feel like I will never get that.

Can anyone talk to me?

[This message edited by MintChocChip at 1:32 AM, Sunday, August 20th]

His affair was not a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An affair takes hundreds or thousands of conscious decisions to betray you.

The problem isn't you. The problem is him and he is very broken inside. He has to do a ton of work to be a safe partner. But he's not really interested in doing the work. He will love bomb you until you shut up, then he's back to who he truly is.

The problem with love bombing is that it's a type of intermittent reinforcement of good feelings, so it can cause your brain to have a chemical reaction to your WBF, which can cause leaving to have an additional hurdle to get over. Dr. Ramani has a YouTube video that explains it really well.

I suggest IC with a betrayal trauma specialist, if you can.

You are not lacking and there was nothing you did or didn't do, etc. He is a cheater and he's shown you that repeatedly. If somebody else was his GF, he'd have cheated on her.

Or ... decide who and what you want to be and take the necessary steps to be that person.

Very gently, infidelity isn't a major problem for you. The real problem is whatever makes you disgust yourself, because I can guarantee that you are not disgusting. You may seem disgusting, but underneath, you are loving, lovable and capable.

My wishes for you:

to learn to love yourself and
for you to change from a person who cares for your betrayer to a person who cares for yourself and for people who support you.

You have bought a bill of goods from your betrayer. Another wish is that you give it back to him. He hasn't changed from betrayer to good partner. You owe him nothing.

I hate to be a hardass, but you seem to have given yourself away to a thief. It's time to take yourself back. I know that's very difficult to do one your own, and I agree with leafields about finding a good IC.

I also know it's unfair that you have work to do, but the work has to be done, and you're the only one who can do that.

I left last week.

Oh, thank god. He's not a good partner, and he's not willing (or maybe even able) to put in the work to be a good partner. I think he's an albatross around your neck, or kryptonite. Whatever the analogy, he's not good for you. Or anyone.

Just him making that effort would have restored some of the worth and dignity he took from me.

You're not going to find your dignity and self-worth in him or in anything he does, or in anyone else. You have to figure out how to summon it from within. I strongly second the recommendation to seek therapy with a trauma specialist.

Keep talking to us. You're going to be okay.

Sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like you've been if nothing else a lurker here for a number of years, so I hope that means you have a general sense of where you find yourself and what you need to do in order to protect yourself and move forward. Whether you recognized it fully or not, you were in a very abusive and toxic relationship...you have been with him practically the whole time you've been dating.

It will take time for your emotions about him to thaw, but you know in your logical brain that you can no longer go back to him and deal with his shit. He isn't ever going to get serious about your needs because he has honestly never cared. If he did, he would've actually done the work. It is also completely okay for you to admit that in you heart of hearts you thought that infidelity was a dealbreaker for you and so that could also be why you have not been able to find peace. Deep down you are just wired to not accept infidelity in your life and so you've spent the better part of 3.5 years fighting your own self on this issue. I think a better way to think of it is...his infidelity is a deal breaker for you because of how he acted in the aftermath.

I think you should be proud that you sit here tonight having left him. It took tremendous strength, courage and self-love to stand up to him and walk away. You now know that the next step, which will be hard, is to get all traces of him out of your life as quickly as you can. Cut off all contact and be done with him. You don't have any kids together and I'm going to assume major financial assets shared together, so there is almost really no reason you need to be in touch with him. Any/most material items that you may or may not have left in a shared living space are in most cases not worth going back for (total speculation on my part since I don't know how you left and what the situation was). My only point was if there was something you would need to speak to him about getting....consider carefully whether you really need it or can find a way to replace it with something else. No contact with him will mean no additional hurts and then you will need to find yourself a therapist to help deal with the trauma that you've been living through.

Mint,

He has been emotionally abusive to you.

He repeatedly cheated on you.

It is as though he took a piece of china and threw it on the floor, breaking it into a thousand pieces. You don’t know if it was a bowl, a cup, or a plate - because just like the relationship, you believed it was one thing, but he lied about what it was - so you have no idea what you are even trying to repair.

And the entire time, he is wailing about how sad he is that you’re doing it wrong, how sad he is that he broke it, can’t say why he did it in the first place, blames you that he did, and then berates you because you’re taking too damn long to do the work to fix WHAT HE DESTROYED.

That’s abuse.

I know. I grew up with this. It’s going to take time for you to reach a point of understanding that he doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t "need" you, either. His need for you rises from a need to externalization his anger and failure to someone else. You served that purpose. He was kind because it drew you back. It lasted long enough to hurt you again, because he can only "be good" for so long.

Take your time. Heal. Get trauma therapy.

Because inside of you is a woman whose dignity and worth is intact. She is there - he hurt her, and you can find her again.

Peace to you.

Mint,

He has been emotionally abusive to you.

He repeatedly cheated on you.

It is as though he took a piece of china and threw it on the floor, breaking it into a thousand pieces. You don’t know if it was a bowl, a cup, or a plate - because just like the relationship, you believed it was one thing, but he lied about what it was - so you have no idea what you are even trying to repair.

And the entire time, he is wailing about how sad he is that you’re doing it wrong, how sad he is that he broke it, can’t say why he did it in the first place, blames you that he did, and then berates you because you’re taking too damn long to do the work to fix WHAT HE DESTROYED.

That’s abuse.

I know. I grew up with this. It’s going to take time for you to reach a point of understanding that he doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t "need" you, either. His need for you rises from a need to externalization his anger and failure to someone else. You served that purpose. He was kind because it drew you back. It lasted long enough to hurt you again, because he can only "be good" for so long.

Take your time. Heal. Get trauma therapy.

Because inside of you is a woman whose dignity and worth is intact. She is there - he hurt her, and you can find her again.

Peace to you.

I am sorry you have been struggling as the result of his affair. He cheated on you and kept adding to the pain by continuing to be in contact with the OW.

He won’t discuss it. He won’t go to counseling. He has not taken any positive steps to fix this.

Then he becomes ill. Seriously ill. You are nursing him and caring for him, yet he’s NOT caring for you.

Unfortunately as the betrayed we see sooooo many cheaters here at SI refuse therapy. It’s like going to therapy could KILL them lol (in actuality not going to therapy could kill them lol).

Here is my two cents. He was "smart" enough to cheat so he’s "smart"enough to figure out what you need. Oh wait you already told him what you need but he does not want to do that.

Please re-read your initial post. It’s been years and you are still asking for something and not getting it.

What would you tell your BFF if they were in this situation?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:03 PM, Sunday, August 20th]

Thank you everybody for investing your time replying. I am sorry by response will be short but I was awake half the night and woke up with one of those all day headaches where you can't quite think straight.

I am wondering, will finally leaving and forcing myself not to see him help me to get a kind of clarity? Will everything seem easier to understand?

I realised today that being around him is like a band-aid. He is kind and attentive and always making me laugh. He always wants to touch me and do stuff with me; and in the absence of tangible healing of any kind, that was kind of like a plug in the dam.

When separated from him, the band-aid is gone and I realise all my questions, the pain, the resentment is all still there. I wonder if maybe letting that finally come will help me find a path through.

I really miss who I used to be. I wonder if its small things which might get me back there.

Don’t you think 3 years of false R is a dealbreaker for you?

@thefirstwife

We cross posted there - but is this a thing?

I literally dont understand why they're allergic to therapy? If I felt guilty and had hurt somebody I'd pretty much want to try anything.

This is going to sound like a crazy story, but I was really anxious last week. I think maybe a bit of OCD developed in me and I was playing thus dumb phone game.

I randomly decided in my mind that if I got 800 points I would be "lucky" because 8 is a lucky number. So I played from 7pm for 10 straight hours trying to get 800.

I was awake literally the entire night playing. And 5am, he wakes up for a pee and he asks what I'm doing.

And I'm agitated and I say "look I know this sounds crazy but I got in my head that I can't fall asleep without getting 800 points or something bad will happen to me.

And he goes to the bedroom, he gets some clothes on and he tells me to lay down next to him and he'll get me to 799 points so I can rest, and he'll hand me the phone at the last minute so I can score 800.

And at 5am he sat there and played for almost four hours. He made himself late for work. And he did it. He got me my 800 points with no questions asked.

He's kind to me. He'd do crazy things for me.

But he can't do this? I totally do not understand what he's so scared of.

But then I guess there's a lot aboit cheaters I can't understand. It's such an incredibly dumb and pointless thing to do.

And of course yes, 3 years of false R is a deal breaker for me.

3 minutes of false R is.

Cheating in the first place is.

All of it is.

I get tying an outcome to a superstitious thing, like getting to 800 points in your game. I do that, too.

He's very good at gestures, it seems. But he's not willing or able to do the things that make a relationship safe and healthy. What can you do that's a kind gesture for yourself? Maybe a massage? A lovely bubble bath? Splurging a little and spending $10 on your game to get boosters?

Be super kind to yourself and make the initial call to a counselor. Get an appointment set up. Pick something to help you cope until you can get some help. Games, luscious chocolates, nice pens and a new journal or coloring book. If you're having trouble eating, get yourself a big yummy smoothie that you can sip on slowly throughout the day to get some nutrients. Treat yourself well.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 1:22 AM, Monday, August 21st]

It is very accurate to say that He's very good at gestures but he's not willing or able to do the things that make a relationship safe and healthy. 

That is something I had said to him for a couple of years BEFORE the A. I knew the relationship wasn't safe of healthy, but I never thought that meant he'd cheat.

He was avoidant, he didnt share much, he avoided becoming too intertwined with me (no coincidence we ended up long distance).

I think I was thrown off the scent because after the A all that stopped. He was all in and completely committed after the A, but I see it still wasn't safe and healthy.

It was a version that WOULD have been safe and healthy IF he'd never cheated.

So yes, I see I fundamentally don't have that.

I also fundamentally don't have a narrative surrounding some of his behaviour during and after the A which I completely believe or that makes sense.

I wasn't able to process or move forward without that and he couldn't give it.

I think "for me" right now is taking this time alone so I can actually properly think about it all.

It had become drowned by him. Now I'm able to think about it all and I feel like I need to.

I'm organising and being practical and sleeping a lot. I don't feel as desperate as I did the other night.

I am wondering, will finally leaving and forcing myself not to see him help me to get a kind of clarity? Will everything seem easier to understand?

I realised today that being around him is like a band-aid. He is kind and attentive and always making me laugh. He always wants to touch me and do stuff with me; and in the absence of tangible healing of any kind, that was kind of like a plug in the dam.

When separated from him, the band-aid is gone and I realise all my questions, the pain, the resentment is all still there. I wonder if maybe letting that finally come will help me find a path through.

I think it is very likely that separating from him completely and not seeing him will help you to put the trauma that you've dealt with into the proper context. You have been in a pretty long term, abusive relationship and you made excuses for his abuse along the way for the sake of preserving the relationship peace (whatever peace there may have been).

I do also agree with you that you need to feel and work through the negative issues that you have swept under the rug during the relationship. Do you have yourself a therapist who can help you work through the trauma that you've endured in your relationship with him? A good therapist can help you to pick up the piece of your life and help you to find yourself and learn to love yourself again. Not saying that you stopped loving or caring for yourself, but when you were in a relationship with Mr. Toxic, you did make a number of compromises to try and keep a relationship with an unrepentant cheater. Again, be proud of yourself for taking the first steps in separating from him, but now you need to get to work on yourself and healing.

Were there any hobbies that you put to the side during your relationship? Maybe you always liked to hiking or working with clay...or there is a hobby that you've had interest in that you resisted because of him, now is the time to dip your toe in those waters and find something that helps you find meaning and peace in your life. For myself, I will say that a few of the hobbies for me are working out, woodworking and my computer homelab/tinkering.

Thank you. During the A drama I couldn't work and lost my job and house and so on. I know that sounds pathetic but I was knocked for six so I'm left with pretty much no financial resources.

I've left him now, and I have a new job, but therapy is off the table. I can't afford it. So I'll have to work through this myself for now.

I am really beginning again after the whole freak show basically robbed me of my life and wellbeing.

I do have lots of hobbies and nice things I can throw myself into. I am feeling a lot better.

I think the other night was just a crux moment when I realised after all the time and pain and investment I was going to walk away with nothing.

It was a tough moment.

I think sometimes it becomes something too great to come back from. That was how it was for my M. I eventually became disgusted by my xWS I didn't want to work on the M, have him touch me or interact with him. That's when I knew I was done.

Affairs are abusive, the continuation of one is even more so abusive. I would cut contact with him and try to reclaim your life. You have lost a home and jobs because of him, I would leave it be. There are better people out there for you. You will have a better life with out the reminder of this period in your life. For myself I couldn't completely heal until I was away from the perpetrator... my WS.

Read Cheating in a Nutshell, it explains why we feel this disgust for the WS and why many times it is impossible to recover the relationship or M for some of us anyways. I happen to be one of those people who cannot live with an A hanging over my head.

Thank you. I just started reading cheating in a nutshell.

I am not sure if this makes sense but I think my brain has split him into two people.

The one, long distance, who was a complete monster.

The one, home, who was a loving partner pretty much consistently.

He wanted to sweep the other guy under the rug, so I think my brain did too.

When I am physically with him, he's him, now. When I am physically away from him- the monster becomes real.

I've left him now, and I have a new job, but therapy is off the table. I can't afford it. So I'll have to work through this myself for now.

Understood on therapy, it isn't cheap, but it is something that I think will be helpful for you in recovery from this trauma you have endured. As you begin to recover and hopefully you are able to find a more stable financial ground, you can find a way to sit down with someone to help you process things. The SI team here is not a bad resource, but we can only offer you some limited help. Just one of those things that I would recommend you tuck away for your benefit down the road.