SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is terrible. I met a man a few days ago....another person doing triathlon. I was in a bad place. On a training swim. OW was there, again. I'll be happy when I no longer physically react as if there is a tiger in the room. When this happens....I look anxious (understandably so). Most of the time, I can pass it off as nerves about whatever swim is coming up. This time I couldn't. It was the second time I ran into her in one day. FWH and son were out of town. I was physically and emotionally alone to deal with the aftermath of the A. Mind you, this was after another woman has shared some TMI triathlon thing. He asked and I answered...."I got into tri because my husband was training with someone, here on this boat whom I won't name, and they had the brilliant idea to have an A. FWH and I, we're in a much better place, but the running into OW is hard for me and I know once I begin the swim...things will be better". He responded that the same thing had happened to him. His ex left him for HER training partner. Then he showed me the scar on his wrist. He was so broken up by it that he had attempted suicide. Suicide. He's good now. But, could attest to just how hard this all is. We're triathletes. The physical part of that is so much easier than the triggers.

Often FWH, my BFF, our son....all those who are close to me who know about the A....remind me to be strong. That I won....blah, blah, blah. And, then I'll beat myself up for not leaving (because I love him). Or not doing recovery quickly enough or right? They're tired of it. I'm tired of it.

It gave me a little bit of comfort to know....I'm not doing it too slow or wrong. I often wanted to get in the car and drive off into the distance away from all of this. Never to the point of suicidal ideation, but not far off in the darkest days. It is MUCH better now.

It takes just as long as it takes.

It takes just as long as it takes.

Amen.

I'm 19 years past DDay. I was mostly over it until I found the AP's Pinterest board with hundreds of memes about unrequited love about 5-6 years ago. That triggered a resurgence of vigilant creeping on her because I perceived her as a threat. She's really not, because I fully believe that my H will never betray me like that again, but she's still out there, allegedly still carrying a torch for my H, and that got me all riled up. What she's doing and thinking "shouldn't" matter, but it does. And then add the trigger of seeing her at the company party in April, and H acting out in other ways due to unresolved FOO trauma and a MIL who lived with us, and BAM, I was off to the races.

I started IC about six weeks ago because I was sick to death of thinking about infidelity and the AP all the time. I was "shoulding" all over myself that I should be over it and shouldn't be posting on SI after all these years or looking at the AP's social media. My IC continually reminds me that it's okay that I'm still in pain from such huge betrayal and that posting once again on SI for support is not something that I should be ashamed about. Thankfully, my H is also super supportive and is also doing IC.

Your family is correct: You're a bad bitch for continuing to pursue your passion even though she's there. You are, indeed, a phoenix.

Ladybugmaam,

You amaze me every time. Your dedication to your sport while facing the ever present trigger of the horrific AP is a testament to what a strong woman you are. You have come so far from where you started, and you are absolutely right, it will happen. It just takes time.

I remind myself all the time that I am so much better than where I was four years ago, even though I still experience triggers. They are less than they were and I am in control of the rage I feel. I am able to redirect my thoughts so much more.

It helps to know that I don't "need" to be further than I am. I am healing even though the pace is not what I hoped for.

This rising from the ashes is a slow process.

I think the fact that you show up for something you are so passionate about despite the trigger it can bring you is absolutely amazing.

I'm only a year out so everything is very fresh and I had to face the AP at a function that had to do with our industry about 6 months ago. I felt so sick to my stomach even though the likelihood of me seeing her was low. I somehow managed to run into her immediately and while she didn't see me I did see her and you know what? She looked pathetic. She looked sullen, angry, and just unhappy in general.

We all beat ourselves up over the "should be's" when The reality is we are all just doing the best we can and we are doing it on our own time. That's the best path to healing.

Thank you all for this, really need it tonight. Over four years out now and tonight I am sick and tired of triggers and thinking about the A and the OW. I need mental peace. So many good times in between, and most of the time it feels like we’re getting there, but then at times like tonight after a trigger I’m just completely tired of it all. Then I think I’ll never get through this and worry that I should be ok by now so what is wrong with me? Etc etc
Nobody knows I get triggered, I keep it to myself. Didn’t even know it was coming. One of our teenage kids got exam results today and did really well so we popped a bottle of champagne. They were struggling to open it, first time ever obviously, and my husband jumped up to help them and explained how to do it the right way. Bang. Even a happy family event when I wasn’t even thinking about it got hijacked. Instead of seeing him helping our kid in our garden, in my head unbidden I saw him opening it in a hotel room with OW. They did that often apparently and she had a taste for it (when he was paying which was always) so he even bought it for her to impress her in bars and restaurants. It’s just really got me down that four years out I can still get triggered and hurt when I should be proud and happy. Then I think I’m never getting past it and feel terrible. As time has gone on I feel more panicky that I don’t feel like ‘me’ yet and can still get hyper vigilant and anxious, still get triggered. This post has helped me see it really is a very long process. Time to get back on the horse I reckon. Thank you, all. X