SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We will have been married 30 years this Nov. I am 52 , have not had a real job in 20 years, have no savings, I am American but living in the United Arab Emirates for 16 years and have no family here or real friends. He and our kids are my life.

Three years ago found a letter from the mistress, he denied the extent, then I found emails and admitted to an affair but told me it was emotional only, and didn't last long as they were both married and he's Muslim so he can't be with a married woman. She confirmed...yes I spoke with her through email and she told confirmed his story, that it was just some dates and talking, never intimate and they stopped kidding themselves about the relationship going anywhere. I never fully believed it though. But as always, I picked up the pieces of my heart and believed him that he only loves me and wants to be with me forever and would regain my trust. Now, 3 years later when I thought all was well- found photos in the cloud - showing their relationship from beginning to end. 1.5 years, all the while we went to counseling, then I went alone, we read books on marriage and were up and down working to fix what was broken..or so I thought..there are photos of them on vacation in Bali with rosepetal heart on the beach that says I Love You...and sex photos...actual disgusting porno photos. All the while he's talking to me back home like he's at a work conference and talking about the kids and everyday stuff.

Besides the recent affair, 4.5 years ago he finally admitted to having multiple one night stands that were "only oral" as if that made it easier to hear. I begged him to come clean about any secrets then so we can start fresh and have no more lies between us. This is when he also told me he was finding a women at work attractive...meanwhile now I know he had already taken her to Bali and was in love with her and fucking her for several months.

I have learned my husband was a compulsive liar, sex addict, gambler, was doing a lot of coke all at the beginning of our relationship. I found out this week only why he is so fucked up- he was molested as a kid by high school boys.

I am totally blind, completely shocked, my reality distorted. How do I leave him now? Where do I start? And how can I manage the loneliness?

I’m not going to offer you much comforting advice, but a lot of very real and practical advice.

Despite what I’m going to say then keep in mind that marriages survive infidelity. My advice is more like the safety-lecture you get at the beginning of flights. It’s a "just in case" thing.

Start by learning where a divorce would be done. In the US? If so, what state. In the UAR? If so, what rules and law apply? Get a good picture of how a divorce would turn out for you. What would your future be like if this ends this way.
I think that lessening the unknowns tends to give us power. Like the moment you can tell your husband that he’s perfectly free to spend his time in Bali with his love-interest and get 40 hookers to give him BJ’s on the way there… BUT NOT AS YOUR HUSBAND… is the moment he might start to be willing to change.

Frankly – I think you have a lot of power… UAE doesn’t take kindly to adultery so its would be in his interest to offer a fair and maybe even an advantageous to you divorce if it goes to that.

But like I stated in the beginning: this is practical advice and applicable if it goes this far.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. So sorry you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has lots of great information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

SI is to help you get out of infidelity, whether that's D (divorce) or R (reconciliation). Bigger has some good points about checking out the laws regarding divorce and how they would apply to you. Knowledge is power.

Your WH (wayward husband) is a serial cheater, and that is difficult to overcome. I'm sorry that he was molested, but that is no excuse. There are plenty of us on here that were molested as children and didn't cheat. Your WH cheated because he has something in him that's broken.

If you can find a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma, you may find it helpful. Just take things one step at a time.

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. My XWH crossed my deal-breaker boundary for R, and wasn't doing the work to be a safe partner.

I want to piggyback on Bigger’s info. Are you Muslim? That makes things easier. If you are an w a different religion but still plan on living where you are that’s probably better. If you want to move back to the states, you probably are going to have a difficult time bringing your kids with you, because that is frowned on, if a Muslim is married to a non-Muslim. I am very well acquainted with one woman who lost complete custody of her children, and has never seen them again. You need to be prepared for a lot of issues and don’t do anything quickly. This is going to take an enormous amount of planning on your part if you want to leave him or an enormous amount of therapy for both of you if you stay with him. This is a long term lifestyle for him, and it does not seem he has paid any price for it at all. Those people almost never change. It depends on what you want, how you can get it, and how you best serve your children.

Hi @30yearsofheartache I'm so sorry you've had to go through all these in your marriage and my heart goes out to you. There's a lot your H needs help with and I think you will need to confide in your family what you're dealing with as you will need their support going forward.
Please remember no matter what has happened, this is not your fault and you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

Praying that the near future brings you the wisdom you need to know what to do and most importantly strength & healing for your emotions.