Married 30 years, what do I do now?

We will have been married 30 years this Nov. I am 52 , have not had a real job in 20 years, have no savings, I am American but living in the United Arab Emirates for 16 years and have no family here or real friends. He and our kids are my life.

Three years ago found a letter from the mistress, he denied the extent, then I found emails and admitted to an affair but told me it was emotional only, and didn't last long as they were both married and he's Muslim so he can't be with a married woman. She confirmed...yes I spoke with her through email and she told confirmed his story, that it was just some dates and talking, never intimate and they stopped kidding themselves about the relationship going anywhere. I never fully believed it though. But as always, I picked up the pieces of my heart and believed him that he only loves me and wants to be with me forever and would regain my trust. Now, 3 years later when I thought all was well- found photos in the cloud - showing their relationship from beginning to end. 1.5 years, all the while we went to counseling, then I went alone, we read books on marriage and were up and down working to fix what was broken..or so I thought..there are photos of them on vacation in Bali with rosepetal heart on the beach that says I Love You...and sex photos...actual disgusting porno photos. All the while he's talking to me back home like he's at a work conference and talking about the kids and everyday stuff.

Besides the recent affair, 4.5 years ago he finally admitted to having multiple one night stands that were "only oral" as if that made it easier to hear. I begged him to come clean about any secrets then so we can start fresh and have no more lies between us. This is when he also told me he was finding a women at work attractive...meanwhile now I know he had already taken her to Bali and was in love with her and fucking her for several months.

I have learned my husband was a compulsive liar, sex addict, gambler, was doing a lot of coke all at the beginning of our relationship. I found out this week only why he is so fucked up- he was molested as a kid by high school boys.

I am totally blind, completely shocked, my reality distorted. How do I leave him now? Where do I start? And how can I manage the loneliness?

4 comments posted: Wednesday, May 31st, 2023