SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Honestly I just need to talk to someone. I we have a couples counselor we are seeing twice a week. Back story I'm Christian my husband wasn't while we where dating. Got saved in March of this year. I also got married when I found out (5/4/23) that he wasn't exactly faithful while we where together. He told me during our premarital counseling that he had kissed a girl during the first few months of dating (a couple of months after we agreed to be exclusive). This was the week before we got married. A couple of days later he told me they had sex. I kind of figured he didn't love me at the beginning of the relationship. We almost broke up a lot during that first year. (I honestly don't know why we didn't.) He told me about meeting people online. I naively assumed it was also in the first 2 years of our relationship. (We have been together for 4 years) turns out that it was for the whole relationship. He only had 2 physical relationship with people but the last one he had was in 7/22. He had around 50 online explicit relationship. He was on 3 different dating apps. Any place to meet people. His last online relationships ended a week after he got saved. (He said he felt really convicted.) Which was like I said March of this year. He has been open and honest. He let's me go through his personal/work laptops and phone. He asked me to stay and try and work things out. I told him I will stay and work things out with him but if he ever does it again I'm out. He has been remorseful. He shares his location with me. He shows or tells me any interaction what they had conversations about he's had with females the day of. He has an accountability group he goes to once a month with our church. He knows it's still really raw and that I need time. He will sometimes walk in on me crying on the floor he knows he can't really touch me when I'm that way. He will just sit there with me and let me cry until I initiate physical contact (usually handholding) and by that time he's usually in tears to.) I don't like to cry in front of people but once I start it's really hard to stop until I'm done. All I can say right now is we are trying. I'm trusting God in this and that's all I really know right now.

Oh Just tired - good name, I remember that exhaustion! - I’m so sorry you are here. Your husband sounds like a very unsafe partner still despite having been ‘saved’. Given the number of ‘contacts’, I hope you have tested for stds. Please read the tactical primer and other posts in Just Found Out that have target symbols in the margin, which along with other articles in the Healing Library will help give you a road map so you don’t feel you are driving this road alone.

I’m afraid with your WH’s scale of infidelity, you will need rather more than his word to proceed with any sense of safety and trust in the relationship. There appears to have been no real investigation by either of you what was at root in his behaviour and until that becomes clearer, ie the drivers behind his behaviours, you do not have sufficient understanding of him or your feelings towards the real him, to proceed safely. There’s rather more to remorse than his current penances, and I hope he is digging deep to earn even the second chance you are currently giving him. Like you I believe in redemption, but with caveats. You sound very lovely, and forgiving, but try to look forward to understand what level of certainty you need, with and despite your trust in God, because your WH’s track record is currently very poor and you will have to live with degrees of uncertainty for some time. Or not

You are not alone. We understand how it feels to be betrayed. I’m sorry you had to experience it so young and so soon.

Edited to add, given it’s all so recent, you must be in great shock and your brain will be buzzing trying to understand all the implications for both your past and future life. Try to prioritise good self care now. Your brain cannot possibly process everything immediately so be patient, it’s a process, pace yourself and treat yourself gently and with great care. It sounds like you have good support systems but do post here when you need.

[This message edited by Edie at 9:53 PM, Thursday, May 25th]

Hi Edie

Thank you for your advice. He knows I don't trust him at all and will be a long time before I do. I informed him it might be 10 years before I ever do (along with all the emotions that come with it)and if your not prepared to handle that we need to sit down and have a deep discussion about what to do with this marriage. There are things I didn't put in the post for both his and my privacy. We are working with our councilors on the root of the problem. It also helps me to understand his own childhood trauma. Don't worry he's not getting away scott free. My trust in him will depend a lot on his actions. If he doesn't put in enough effort then good bye.

I do agree with the unsafe part. He is getting tested in June (I will be going with him to the appointment). I'm honestly unsure on if he will ever win my trust back. But it's so new right now everything looks so gray. I'm honestly just trying to process all the information that came in.

Yes my brain is jumbled. I fell like I'm in a never ending emotional rollercoaster. I wish it was a dream but I know I'll never recover from the trauma if I stay in that mindset. It's certainly a journey I never wanted to take.

He's a serial cheater and is trickle truthing you. No way he had all these explicit conversations and meetings and only two went physical.

If you don't have kids and a house, I would strongly encourage you to default to divorce or annulment since he deceived you before and into your marriage.

Sorry this happened to you. Sending strength.

I am so sorry that the guy you married was not who you thought he was.

He’s a fraud IMO.

I hope he can change and commits to you and the marriage. I hope it’s enough.

My H changed after his second affair (on his own) because after 25 years of marriage I was planning to Divorce him. He finally saw the damage and destruction he caused.

It’s been 10 years and not once has he given me a reason to think he’s not 100% committed to our marriage. The scars do heal thankfully.

Hoping for the best for you.

Dear Just,

I’m so sorry for what you were going through, but it’s obvious your husband is a serial cheater, and it will be hard to ever trust him again. My advice is that whatever you do -do not get pregnant! It will be much harder to leave once you have children.

I am wishing you the best, and perhaps the best would be an annulment at this point. But that, of course, it’s up to you.

Sending hugs.