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When my father passed away in February my husband was so supportive. Not just of me but also of my mother and my siblings. It was a reminder of just what a really wonderful person he is.

He was there for me in so many ways in the days after my father’s death and leading up to the funeral. At the funeral he was a pall bearer and my mother literally leaned on him and my brother the whole time.

In the weeks after the funeral he and I spoke a lot. None of our conversations centered around our marriage or my infidelity. He just listened as I poured my heart out over my father and how badly I miss him. There were evening when he’d come to my place after he got off work and just sit with me so I wasn’t alone. He’d check in on my mother and my sister. He was just marvelous.

The he and I went into what I’d guess was a period of delayed hysterical bonding. We slept together a lot during this time. Like we’d never been together at all. It was like we were rediscovering each other? I can’t explain it. But this went on for a few weeks. In the time immediately after d-day my husband wouldn’t touch me, hug me or even hold my hand. He said the thought of touching me made him sick. So there was no hysterical bonding like I’ve read about in other cases of infidelity. Maybe that’s why this was so intense when it did happen. But I felt like this wasn’t the basis for restarting our relationship. So I decided we needed to have a real talk about our situation.

When we finally talked I begged him to please open up to me. Don’t be afraid to say what he’s feeling. I’ve poured my heart out to him about my father, can he please do the same with me? And he did. He sobbed and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to see. But he said that I’ve broken his heart and hurt him worse than anyone else has ever hurt him.

He said that he feels like our old relationship is dead, because the person he thought was his wife wasn’t real. That she was a lie. That all the memories we made together were tainted now. I could sense real pain and anger in his words. So I begged him, not for me but for him, to please, please get himself into therapy. I told him there’s no way we can ever work out if we’re not both in therapy.

I asked him point blank if he really wants to reconcile with me. Because there is nothing in the world I want more than to be with him, to earn his trust and his love again. And he said yes. He’s agonized over it but he can’t see a life without me in it. So I said again that if it’s going to work he HAS to be in therapy. And he agreed. He finally agreed to therapy.

We agreed that while we had both enjoyed our last few weeks that maybe we shouldn’t be sleeping together? It was with real regret that we decided this, but for now it seems like the right decision.

So my husband has started therapy. He says he likes the therapist. He’s seen her twice. I know he’s got a ton of issues from his childhood and the damage from my actions as well to work out. I am continuing my therapy of course. And I must say I have seen and big improvement I’m my relationships with other people. Particularly my sister who I used to blame for our poor relationship but I’ve realized that I was truly the spoiled brat she always told me I was. She is another person who I’ve been working on my relationship with.

I don’t have much else to type right now. Except that my husband and I do go on "dates" on Saturday or Sunday every week. Usually for walks in the park or something like that. Just so we can be around each other, which is nice. I do enjoy just being with him. And he’s started to hold my hand again when we’re together which I also think is very nice. It’s a beginning I guess.

This sounds like such a healthy new beginning for the two of you.

I relate to so much of what you've written. The work has offered some very painful revelations about the lens through which I viewed all the relationships in my life. I became a better mother as part of my healing -- not because the cheating itself made me a bad parent (my affair was a decade before I had kids), but because I didn't see I was modeling toxic coping mechanisms that I had learned from my parents. My mom and dad had their own FOO that they were trying to overcome, but they never unpacked it, just reacted against it in ways that created new complications. Both of them had distrust and contempt for therapy, which is sad, because I believe it could have helped them (and my siblings and I by association).

Hysterical bonding is a fascinating phenomenon. We had it before I arrived here, so we had no idea that our urge to go at it like rabbits was a common reaction to an affair. It was, as you say, very intense.

I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost mine a few years ago, and I still miss him every day.

Therapy isn't a miracle cure.

So often, BS think if their WS goes to therapy, it is a cure all. If they go, they will stay NC, and never cheat again. That's not true. It's a place for WS to sort out their shit,but it's up to them to stop cheating. Or, the WS thinks if the BS goes to therapy, it will alleviate their pain. That's not true. It helps to have someone listen, but nothing is going to take the pain away. Time helps. But you know what really helps? A remorseful, empathetic, honest WS who works on themselves, by becoming a safe partner.

He's going to hurt. And, even though your dday was awhile ago,now that you've reunited, the pain is as fresh as day one. He's going to go through all the steps a BS goes through,in the immediate aftermath of dday. By separating, it just basically delayed healing. Don't expect him to be further along, because dday was months ago. He hasn't worked through his pain with you yet.

I definitely agree with you that your husband needs IC and it’s a great thing that he’s finally agreed to go.

However, you need to keep in mind that the IC is for his benefit and not for yours. He may come to the conclusion through the process of therapy that reconciling with you isn’t the best thing for his healing, even though he clearly loves and misses you dearly. For example, if had a screwed up childhood, then going back to the person who caused him such immense pain might be a lot more comforting and familiar than forging a new life on his own.

I’m not saying this to demoralize you or say that your reconciliation is doomed. I sincerely hope that you’re able to build a happy life together.

But you shouldn’t measure his success in therapy by how well or not your reconciliation progresses. Reconciliation is not nor should it be the goal of his IC.

It sounds like you two are doing a good job of slowing things down and processing your feelings in therapy. I think that's going to be a great way of creating a clear picture of "before" and "after" so that you can both draw a line under the past and then make a considered choice toward building something completely new. You set a smart boundary and it's likely to improve your chances of successful R. Well done!

I hope this is the second chance you have been wishing for.

It sounds hopeful, wishing you the best

However, you need to keep in mind that the IC is for his benefit and not for yours. He may come to the conclusion through the process of therapy that reconciling with you isn’t the best thing for his healing, even though he clearly loves and misses you dearly.

I agree with this. Please don’t think I asked him to go into therapy so it would benefit me. I understand that for him to heal fully he may very well have to end our relationship. I truly just want what’s best for him.

I may be wrong, but I think I recall a while back when you first posted about your A you said you didn’t know why you cheated, and were hoping to figure it out in IC.

Did you figure it out and discuss it with your BH?

I may be wrong, but I think I recall a while back when you first posted about your A you said you didn’t know why you cheated, and were hoping to figure it out in IC.
Did you figure it out and discuss it with your BH?

Yes. We have discussed this.

As a ten year ago BS, I saw a lot of good advice already posted.

It is good you wanted him to have an IC. And very good that it has been clarified that is for him to heal.

I saw above someone asked what you determined in trying to understand why you became WS. They felt he may need that deeper exploring from you as a part of commitment to healing.

I am in no way asking you. I don’t want you to peel open those layers of the onion for us. Some would say you need to for marriage and BS.

But I want you to take it an even more important step further.

Your IC, exploring the deeper why’s of infidelity, finding and healing your own hot spots are first for you. When you work on the deepest reasons behind any self destructive behavior (and infidelity is also self destructive), you not only give all of your relationships a chance for a healthier outcome, your give your own entire future a chance for a healthier outcome.

Please, commend yourself for wanting good things for your spouse. Now also want good (healthy vs self gratification) for yourself. Keep deepening in your own sources of recovery and emotional help.

You will grieve the loss of loved ones (so sorry - sending cyber hugs and tears. This is my phase of life also) better. Rebuild with your sister better. Likely others. Maybe your spouse. AND most of all, the person you will wake up to every day of your life….you.