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Have been in the reconciliation process for 7 months. Actually for the most part she has done everything expected of her. She had an affair with someone at work for roughly a year. My biggest problem is intimacy with her. The thought of her with him always comes to mind when we’re having sex. The main problem is that I am unable to get or maintain an erection. Obviously this is an issue. The other thing and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this is that when we attempt to be intimate everything I do seems to be wrong. There’s literally nothing I do that pleases her. Before the affair we never had these issues. She says I’ve changed but after 10 years of being together i find that hard to believe. Of course this only adds to my anxiety because I feel like she is wanting me to be like her lover. Just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience and how they dealt with it.

Did any of these issues exist before the A?

Did you ever have hysterical bonding?

Have you seen a doc about your ED? (It might be emotional, but there may be something physical and nasty going on in your body.)

Does she ask you for what she wants?

Do you want to do what she asks?

Are you doing things that you think she will like without asking what she really would like?

No these issues were not present before the affair and the ED isn’t physiological have tried medication (viagara and Cialis ) but they are really of no help prior to affair she was always very passionate but now that is gone and no matter what I do is met with how I’m doing it "wrong" very frustrating and not sure how we can move on

I'd expect a good candidate for R to seek to make things right and not just complain about what was wrong.

My experience was that R was a process of raising issues and working together to resolve them. Your W doesn't look like she's doing that with sex, if all she does is tell you you're wrong. Does she work to resolve other issues, or does she leave them to you?

Are you sure she's a good candidate for R?

I needed Cialis before d-day, but after d-day I needed it pretty rarely until well into my 70s. Is your body telling you you're done with your W?

What do you think about dumping your W? I'm asking, not saying you should D - but I don't see how you can move on together unless you work together to resolve issues.

she has done everything expected of her

Exactly what has she done?

At minimum she should have..

Full transparency, you get full access to all accounts, her phone,passwords included.

Tested for stds.

She answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness, and no blame.

She goes to IC to figure out why she cheated.

Since the affair was with a coworker, she finds a new job.

She is empathetic, and fully remorseful.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

Your job for the first several months, is to watch her actions,get tested for stds, take care of yourself, and call the OBS and tell them of the affair.

She says I’ve changed

Of course you have. You've been traumatized by her behavior.

And she tells you you can't do anything right in bed?

I'm sorry,but honestly, when a WW says that,it's most likely that she is still in the affair, she just took it underground.

Also? It's cruel. It shows no remorse.

I want to second everything hellfire said.

My first thought is she is still in the affair.

Does she still work with him? That’s a big no no.

I would highly suggest you post your story with an emphasis on the discovery and what has happened since then.

One reason the advice can be harsh and tilted to divorce is that you are always in an uphill battle.

It’s up to the cheater to do most of the fighting for the relationship.

If you fought for her and forced her back to the marriage against her will then she will be resentful and still longing for her lover.

Let’s say you threw her out and she came begging back then she should be doing everything to make you feel safe comfortable and loved.

That’s why you are having problems. You are not safe comfortable and loved.

Be careful. I don’t thing you are safe yet.

Her having an affair and then telling you you’re doing everything wrong, sexually, is incredibly cruel. She’s hitting you when you’re down and vulnerable, and hitting where it hurts the most. That is a HUGE red flag to me about her character, empathy, and whether she’s a candidate for reconciliation.

Since my husband’s affair, other than an intense time of hysterical bonding sex after I found out, the quality of our sex life has decreased. We have sex as often as we did before, but I lost my comfort level and the sense of fun and experimentation that came along with it. Certain acts that we enjoyed very much before just trigger thoughts of him being with his AP, so I avoid them, so our sex life is more vanilla now. We have times of really good sex, but also some fraught and/or mediocre sex, which rarely happened pre-affair.

That is where we are despite him being really understanding and kind and patient and virtually never complaining about our our sex life. I know he’s bummed out about aspects of it, but he also understands that these things are a direct consequence of his choices, so he’s making the best of it.

If he were doing what your wife is doing—hitting me while I’m down, while I’m grappling with how deeply his choices have wounded me in some of the most intimate, personal, pleasurable aspects of my life and sexuality—I think I’d lose it.

What she’s doing isn’t right. It’s mean and calloused. You deserve better; maybe your body is telling you that. At bare minimum she needs a wake up call.

prior to affair she was always very passionate but now that is gone and no matter what I do is met with how I’m doing it "wrong" very frustrating and not sure how we can move on

That seems like a far cry from someone who is doing 'pretty much everything that is expected of her'. Maybe your expectations of her are too low. There is NO WAY that her handling of the sex issue acceptable. As mentioned above, it is downright cruel to beat you down instead of lifting you up as it pertains to this. In a simple two post membership at this point, with very limited information, I doubt that you will find one member here who thinks that she is showing remorse.

It might help if you put your story out here. You are obviously looking to reconcile, but you may be missing out on some big issues that either help increase or decrease your future chances of success. One thing that we know for sure is that ANY issues left unaddressed, no matter how big or small, tend to grow and grow as time goes on. The intimacy issue is a big one, but it can be something as small as a little character trait that you tolerated in the past, because of your love for her, but is really an important issue that she needs to change. Now is the time to address such things, as it is often difficult to do so, as it has been hardwired in for a lifetime, but nonetheless needs to change.

It's the difference between a good and bad candidate for reconciliation.