SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I confronted my man as soon as I had (accidental but undeniable) proof. I've suspected it for months but only found out for sure last Saturday. He'd been having two online affairs with younger women.

I'm devastated 💔 I was sure we had that 'something special' when it came to our love for eachother. He insists he has no emotional feelings for them, that it was only physical, and that he truly loves me and can't let me go. So I gave him a few ultimatums which he accepted immediately. He was to say goodbye, block the two long distance lovers and dedicate himself to our relationship only.

The problem is, I'm actually on the fence and don't know what to do. Should I give it some time and see how it goes (I'm so heartbroken) or do I put an end to what I thought was a euphoric love and loyalty toward eachother? We were so good together 😢

Any advice/view points would be appreciated, I feel destroyed and betrayed please help me survive his betrayal and disrespect. Thank you, Attica

Hello, Attica. Welcome to SI.

Whether you stay or go is ultimately up to you. I'd say take some time first to see if he really means his remorse before you go all in. Not just in words, but in actions.

For instance, what would 'dedicate himself to your relationship only' mean from this point forward? Dedicating himself would also have to mean figuring out why he allowed himself to do this when he had something special with you. It's not advisable to just sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Cutting off the online women is just the start. Is he in individual therapy? Has he been forthcoming with answers to questions you may have? What else is he doing to show that he means it?

And what about you? Are you taking time for yourself? Focusing on your own needs? Because right now, you just got hit with a bombshell. Self-care is important.

There are resources in the healing library I suggest you check out. They can serve as a starting guide on how to navigate this mess.

Hi Attica

Forks gave you good advise. Words are easy, but consistent, ongoing action is much more difficult. You absolutely can and should wait to see if he really does give up his AP. You should also see if he figures out WHY he betrayed your M and you like this. Just saying he;s going to stop is just white-knuckling.

But mostly take care of you. Get STI/STD tested, take care of yourself physically (eat well, sleep, get exercise, drink water, avoid alcohol), and see a lawyer just to understand what your future might look like if he doesn’t stop his As. Get support for yourself— maybe IC (individual counseling)?

I’m so sorry you had to find us..Read other posts, read the healing library, and keep posting.
You will survive this.

You've had good advice so far. It's important to recognize that this kind of behavior tends to escalate. There's a pathology to it, one that creates rewards to the pleasure center of the brain in such a way as to mimic illicit drug use. Just like any other drug though, the dosage would need to increase over time to achieve the same payoff, hence the tendency toward escalation.

So yeah, it's important for him to figure out what he's getting out of this and then to fix the void inside of him which has created room for the the behavior. Oftentimes, the WS will just say they were bored or needed a boost for their self-esteem, but they need to dig deeper than that if they're going to fix what's broken.

Attica- are you aware of your Man having ever cheated in the past? I think that would be the first question to get a handle on what you really have..... If he is a known cheater, and is cheating on you with 2 separate women, I think you know your answer.

A repeat offender in infidelity is probably not a long term good partner. I would not hitch my wagon to a known cheater.

This is all great advice, thank you all for your support.

I've been alone for almost a week now, it's all I can think about. What don't I have that they have? Is he a serial cheater? Will I be enough for him once he's put an end to his LDRs? And all kinds of other questions, I'm drowning in my own thoughts

I will be seeing him in a few days, the time apart has me wondering if I'll ever see him the same or trust him again. Can i move on from his infidelity and find peace again? Despite all that part of me can't wait to see him and the other dreads what's ahead and if he will try to "make it up to me" somehow. I honestly don't think he'll allow an "open phone" policy that I want to implement. We'll see.....

I'll update once I've seen him. Thank you again,Heartbroken in Montrea. 💔

#Halftime2017, yes unfortunately is an habitual cheater. He promised up and down that he was over being unfaithful because we found eachother, we are "soul mates" he says.....

I wasn't enough apparently. He swore he would tell me the truth, no half lies, no lies by omission, no white lies, just pure honesty. I actually believed him, what a fool I was!

Now he wants to sweep it under the rug, cut ties with his cyber lovers and move on. I absolutely adored this man. He was the one that got away 30 years ago, I never stopped loving him. We found eachother again and have been inseparable ( except for work) ever since.

I rebuilt my life around him, now it feels destroyed. I don't know if I can forgive this lie. It's too personal 😪 after all my future depended on us working or not. That leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions and a foggy future, I can't see myself rebuilding, I'm too broken for that.

He does not appear to be the guy you thought he was. As for the one that got away, look what he has become in those 30 years.

If he’s expecting you to "just move on" from this, I can tell you he’s most likely a serial cheating kinda guy based in my experience.

If he is in the mindset of "sweep this under the rug" then he’s not interested in changing, your feelings, helping you heal, making amends, etc.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:55 PM, Monday, December 19th]

I thought I was less than. I gave everything I had to my ws. Still it wasn't enough. He wanted all my hard work and devotion and the ap love and affection and ego petting. Constant attention from ap ALL DAY LONG. ws drinking up attention from ap like kids eating ice cream or slushies in summer. Endless thirst.

This endless thirst is not because of your lack. It is your ws that has endless thirst for attention.

Can he overcome it? I don't know. But never blame yourself.

What can you do?

Grow in self confidence. Give yourself chances to heal by eating well, exercise, let your mind grow by developing a new skill or interest. Feel gratitude for your life and this wonderful planet. Give love and care to people around you. Walk and reflect in nature. Pursue goals special to you.

Demand the truth. Expect respect. There must be shared caring. One doesn't take while the other gives and gives. Seek a balanced life. Listen to your own heart. You know what's right. Grow in spirit and confidence. Choose the path that grows you as a person. That's the way to happiness and contentment.