SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m going to try and make this make sense - there is so much to it (I’m sure that’s pretty normal!). I’m not sure why I’m posting, other than it helps to write it down for people who understand.

Factual stuff first:

My partner and I have been together 8 years, with a 4 yr old child. We are not married but in a (supposedly) committed relationship.

I found out nearly 3 weeks ago that he’d been having an affair with a colleague for what I initially thought was 18 months. I basically found his Airbnb account with bookings in our local area going back that far, on dates he’d said he was out with colleagues or doing night shifts at work. TT over the next week or so revealed that they’d first had sex over 2 years ago (summer 2020), and first kissed in early 2020. The emotional stuff happened even before then, possibly going back close to 3 years. For me, the emotional stuff is problematic but the kissing is when a line was crossed, and obviously with the sex the line was crossed even further.

She has a partner (supposedly separating) and a child too. I sort of knew her. I’d met her once on one of his work nights out years ago (maybe 2016-17), which I’m certain was prior to the affair. She wasn’t very friendly but I just thought she was in a bad mood. I then met her again in early 2020 when I came back much earlier than planned from a night out and found them on our sofa closely engaged in quite a serious discussion. They seemed awkward and my partner tried to jolly things along between the 3 of us, but she just left quite abruptly and weirdly. I asked him about it and he said she’d been talking to him about some personal stuff and had been upset, and didn’t want to stay once I came home. Now I’m certain they were talking about the emotional inappropriateness between then. I’m not sure whether that was before or after they crossed the physical line.

Anyway, nothing about her really came up for a few years, but my partner became more and more distant and unhappy over the last couple of years. He blamed it on the stress of work (he works in a really emotionally demanding field). Our sex life had never been great but dwindled to non-existent at times - there were periods of 3 or 4 months at a time where we didn’t have any, which upset me a lot. We talked about it several times and he suggested that maybe we just needed to accept that with stressful jobs and a young (probably needier than average) child we should just accept that we were currently just coparents and housemates primarily and that we shouldn’t put pressure on ourselves to have a romantic relationship at that stressful time. My self-esteem was being gradually eroded over this time due to living with someone who was so distant and un-engaged with me. I’ve told him that the damage wasn’t just done when I found out, he’d been damaging me for years through his behaviour.

2 days before d-day, I found some suspect semi-naked selfies on his phone. The next day I asked him for a serious talk and asked him if there was anyone else. I didn’t mention the selfies. He said there wasn’t, and hasn’t been. I was obviously still suspicious so looked at his phone again the next day and found the Airbnb bookings (he’d just got a new phone so I had his old one at home).

I rang him immediately and he told me who it was and said he was so sorry, he’d wanted to tell me so many times but was so scared of the consequences. He said he’d wanted to end it as soon as it began but that she was threatening to tell me and various other people and he was worried it would blow up massively. The way he describes their relationship, she sounds controlling and abusive, but obviously I don’t know if I can trust his version of events.

I’m going to post this now and follow up with another post as I’ve lost one draft already!

Continuation…

On d-day I was on the emotional rollercoaster, feeling alternately angry, weirdly calm, sad and loads of other things. I also thought that our relationship was over. I told him that he needed to find somewhere else to live nearby and be an equal parent. I told some close relatives who helpfully had been through similar and they advised me not to make any rash decisions. I didn’t eat or sleep much in the first few days.

The following day I found this website and sent him the pinned post on the WS forum. It gave me some hope that reconciliation might be possible, and he was really receptive to it.

Since then we’ve gone on a weird journey of initial reconciliation, with loads of sex and loads of talking. I would absolutely not have predicted that on day 1, but I guess it’s about comfort on both our parts. Feeling close and intimate is helping us both deal with the pain.

To be fair to him, he has been nothing but remorseful and apologetic since d-day. He says he wishes he could change it, he knows how much hurt he’s caused, he is totally committed to me and to being the best partner he can be to me. He hasn’t once tried to shift the blame to me. He is doing everything a WP should supposedly do.

He says he’s relieved the A is over, and that he genuinely was really unhappy but didn’t know how to end it without it destroying everything. He has told the AP that it’s over and that they can’t be in touch anymore unless for work. She hasn’t taken it well (I sort of understand, it’s a big loss for her), but has stopped trying to contact him as much. The big issue is that they still work at the same place and it won’t be as simple as him just leaving (for all sorts of reasons), but he’s said he wants to leave and will start making moves towards that.

Right now I’m feeling a big confusion of emotions. I’m still so angry at him, but also love him intensely. There’s a part of me that thinks that we could move forward really positively and have a more open and communicative relationship than ever before, but I also know it’s going to be a long and hard road.

As I said, I don’t know what I’m really looking for other than perhaps solidarity and wise words from people who’ve been there and come out the other side (especially reconciled as that’s what I want right now).

Reading that back, I feel like I’ve downplayed how bloody angry I am with him. I keep getting triggered by things into thinking about some of the stuff I’ve found out from him about the affair, and every time it makes me so angry. I think that’s why I’m confused - I’m still on the rollercoaster, although it’s not as extreme as it was in the first few days. I’m swinging from love and passion to anger and disgust.

One of the crueler aspects of infidelity is that just when we most need to be pragmatic and dispassionate, we feel like we've never loved our WS more, and the kneejerk reaction to repair the relationship and return to the status quo seems to chase all self-interest from our minds.

This guy looked at you every day FOR YEARS and lied to you. He set you up as a roommate and co-parent while he enjoyed sex and romance on the side. He exposed you to unknown risks while you had a small child depending on you. If you met her back in 2016, that OW has been stalking your relationship for seven of the eight years you've been together.

Yes, reconciliation is possible and people have come back from worse. It's all depending on how much your WS is willing to remediate his poor character and whether you've still got the stomach for tolerating him when it's all said and done because honestly, you don't have to. No cheater is owed a second chance and after the initial shock passes, you might find yourself less inclined to give him one. Don't sell yourself short. Take your time. There's going to be a lot of grief to deal with as you process this betrayal, and all of it deserves your attention.

Gently, a woman does not keep a lover who isn’t into her for a night let alone two years, a grown man can’t be eager to perform under unwanted advances. Why did he emotionally and physically detach from you if he was being coerced? Have you asked him if he is going to the police because sexual coercion is a criminal offence. Or, is he lying about this?? What proof has he given you she was blackmailing him for so long?

He said he’d wanted to end it as soon as it began but that she was threatening to tell me and various other people and he was worried it would blow up massively

This is still a threat then, you know but "various others" don’t, so has he explained how his life is going to blow up massively for him, and you, if these "various others" get told? Is he going to lose his job? Is he going to be hit with sexual harassment charges? You need to know the gravity of the threat as this impacts you too.

You’re so close to Dday and going through some hysterical bonding, nothing wrong with wanting R but slow it down a little? It’s good IC is in play but why MC? It’s so early for MC.

Reach out to the OBS and tell them about the affair. Waywards lie and lie and lie so you can’t trust that there isn’t an OBS. The OW might be a bad liar, if the affair has gone underground the OBS might see the signs before you do. Shining a light on the affair couple helps prevent them trying to continue.

Since you’re wanting R set some boundaries to help you rebuild trust like no late nights, the phone stays on a shelf when he gets home, no password locks, no unexplained charges on bank statements etc etc your therapist might be able to help you, they’ll be able to see what triggers you ATM so could suggest what boundaries you need in order to rebuild.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:50 PM, Saturday, October 29th]

Your third post is a very astute reflection. You were literally rationalizing for him and his behavior in the first two posts. My worry is this will lead to rugsweeping and that will not lead to true R or a better relationship. Don't be afraid to be qngry and hurt. You should be. Don't rush into R. It's ok to think you want to but commiting too fast will hurt you in the long run. He betrayed you significantly, go slow with decisions.

And he really cant continue to work with her, even if you are sure he hates her, it will trigger you every day he goes to work.

I am so sorry but this was not an affair. It was a relationship with trips and meals and plans. At some point you became the ow. He treated you like you were number 2 in his life while she was number 1. This is more common than you think. We often hear from men whose wives were willing to leave their marriage for the AP but you see now that men often throw the AP under the bus when real life shows up. He was having a great time.
I am going to be sarcastic here by saying what a sweet man to say he is sorry and will never do this again. He has had his eyes and his interest on another woman for almost all of your relationship.
I am not pushing for R or D but I think you need to seriously think about who he is.

One thing that stuck out in your story is how you "love him intensely". Friend, you don’t. And the reason I know that is because you don’t even know him, for all the reasons others have stated above. If you don’t know him, how can you love him?

The "weirdly calm" feeling aligns with my first reaction to D-Day. You are in shock and numb that the person you thought you loved intensely is suddenly unrecognizable.

If you haven’t yet please consider IC. I’m not trying to sway you one or another, but there is definitely such a thing as forgiving too early.

Don't take any of my words as harsh. Take them as markers and attention points if you will.

He is playing you. No way is he that remorseful and aliviated for having finished the AP with her since D Day. If he wanted to he would have ended it on his own - specially if he was feeling all that "guilt" from what he was doing. He never did that because he was hapilly eating the cake and keeping it. Why leave in that circunstance?

The way you mencion the sex life was already not that good - because he did not provide, seems to me it shows he was already one foot out the door and with also the way he talked about it.

rang him immediately and he told me who it was and said he was so sorry, he’d wanted to tell me so many times but was so scared of the consequences. He said he’d wanted to end it as soon as it began but that she was threatening to tell me and various other people and he was worried it would blow up massively.

What an example of an husband. The way he behaved was massively considerable. He went the lenght to continue engaging with his gilfriend (albeit unwillingly ofcourse), having almost forced sex with her (I pitty him) whenever he wanted just so the issue would not blow up other peoples worlds... How kind of him... A Saint for sure...

Since then we’ve gone on a weird journey of initial reconciliation

Typical rugsweeping. Do not rugsweep the issue. You don't even know with what reality you are really dealing with. Please, NO.

To be fair to him, he has been nothing but remorseful and apologetic since d-day. He says he wishes he could change it, he knows how much hurt he’s caused, he is totally committed to me and to being the best partner he can be to me.

Was he fair to you when he constantly lied to you over and over and over again when he went to have fun with his girlfriend while you stayed at home doing the "faithful" house wife errands? Please, do NOT do this to yourself. Do NOT excuse the unexcusable at the moment.

She hasn’t taken it well (I sort of understand, it’s a big loss for her)

NOPE. Just NOPE. The hell with her. She was not concerned about your well being when she was having fun with your husband, was she?

You need to take actions. And please, NEVER show him this post or site, as he may use what he reads here against you. The info provided here should be used by you and you only.

Request a written timeline form him. No contact. STD testing. And do not engage in intimacy with him until you know where to go next. Loads of sex recently equals love bombing. Very common strategy amoung cheaters. Also, they both working together... BIG NOPE. NEVER in these circunstances. End of.

As others have said, you think you know your H but you don't..sex with you to him does not equal "love". It equals confort provided to you (or so he thinks) so he can go and continue having fun with his girlfriend without you getting on his case.

Take care of yourself using Actions. Get ANGRY. Get MAD. Don't believe a word he says until you fell he totally procceded to take REAL ACTIONS to ammend what he has done wrong.

If you don't do as such, I'm afraid you might end up with a 18 wheeler semi truck head on colision down the road eventually. Cheaters LIE. Cheaters LIE A LOT.

Eat. Sleep. Drink plenty of water. Engage in some kind of exercise.

You will be alright.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 7:12 AM, Sunday, October 30th]

I’m sorry you ended up at a site for cheaters. We know that pain all too well.

Here’s a few things you should know. Cheaters have a typical pattern of very predictable behavior. Yours included.

A few observations:

He didn’t have sex with you b/c he didn’t want to cheat on the other woman (OW).

She was not forcing him to stay in a relationship. That’s a lie. He was willingly in the relationship. No one had a gun to his head.

Do not let him love bomb you or sweep this under the rug.

Having the OW in your home is the ultimate disrespectful behavior he chose.

Healing will take years and it will come in waves. I’m suggesting a counselor for you - someone ti support you on this road to reconciliation or whatever the outcome may be.

Your guy needs to get some counseling to understand why he chose to cheat. Yes cheating is a choice. Everything else is just an excuse.

Thanks all. I have read your responses, and although it’s not easy reading I do take it on board. I do need to allow more space for my anger. I don’t want to sweep it all under the rug - I know that won’t help in the long run. But, I guess it makes everyday life more bearable and doable (e.g. I can manage to work, to look after our child) to not be constantly experiencing distressing and strong emotions, so I’m just doing what I can to cope right now.

I am having individual counselling. I’ve only just started but I think it will be helpful. I’m very much seeing it as a way to work through what I want and what’s best for me (not for him, our family etc, but me).

I know the A didn’t start before 3 years ago because I found a message to her on his phone from almost exactly 3 years ago which backs up what he said happened (he told her 3 years ago that their friendship was moving towards being inappropriate and tried to put boundaries in).

I know I might sound like I’ve forgiven him but I haven’t. I’m still holding him to account every day, asking more questions, asking him to explain himself. He knows my decision is not made yet. I know it might seem more advisable to separate while I work through that stuff, but I just don’t want to do that, and no amount of people telling me it’s the best thing to do is going to change that at the moment - maybe that makes me weak, vulnerable, stupid etc., but I just can’t.

I’ve spoken to him again today about leaving his job, and he says he will as soon as possible (the nature of his work means he can’t just up and leave). I’ve asked him at the very least to ask for changes to his job to ensure he comes into as little contact with her as possible.

[This message edited by MusicLife at 2:42 PM, Sunday, October 30th]

Re what happens if things blow up, i think he was a bit worried she might do something huge like post it all over social media and he’d lose many of his friendships, social connections, reputation etc.

Whilst obviously in many ways he doesn’t deserve any protection from that, I can’t see a way in which it serves me right now to have things blow up and for everyone we know to find out. We all know the amount of judgement which surrounds how people respond to affairs. I’ve told a few friends/family and had varying responses, from those who are outraged on my behalf because of the deception and lies, but who do understand that relationships are complex and that an A doesn’t have to mean separation, to those who just can’t understand why on earth I’d ever consider staying. If I do ultimately decide to stay with him, I don’t want to have to deal with that judgement every day.

Re what happens if things blow up, i think he was a bit worried she might do something huge like post it all over social media and he’d lose many of his friendships, social connections, reputation etc.

You do realize that he decided unilateraly to disrespect you as soon as he betrayed your trust? Did he worry about your well being when he decided to do that? You shouldn't be worried about the consequences of his acts. His decision, is consequences. Do NOT protect a cheater. You should be worried about getting YOURSELF in a safe position and out of the shitshow that infidelity forces one upon.

I can’t see a way in which it serves me right now to have things blow up and for everyone we know to find out. We all know the amount of judgement which surrounds how people respond to affairs. I’ve told a few friends/family and had varying responses, from those who are outraged on my behalf because of the deception and lies, but who do understand that relationships are complex and that an A doesn’t have to mean separation, to those who just can’t understand why on earth I’d ever consider staying.

Again, letting people know what he did has at least two good consequences. A wake up call to the circus show going on in his mind (possibly, not certain) and he colecting the consequences of his acts and decisions. Is he a 9 year old? His he not a grown man? A grown man knows that his decisions do imply consequences. It is just a matter of him accounting for them after the facts.

Again, you should not be "protecting" him. You are seeing him as "your husband". At the moment you should be seeing him as 'the enemy". Ask me how I know. Every case is a case. But there are so MANY identical aspects to betrayal you would not believe. Cheaters do horrible things to us and do not regreat doing so. You do realise he betrayed you to the core right? Without any regard to your feelings or well being? No mercy at all?

I never want you to consider my words as "let downs". Simply words based on past experiences. Myself and many others around here always express the same.

From your words It does seem that deep down you are in to R in your heart. You should use your reason at the moment more than the heart. Also, no intimacy does not imply necessarily separation. Only distance enough for you to be safe (do you even have STD test results already?) And for you to process what is happening in your life at the moment. That distance is paramount at the moment. For you to assert yourself within the circus life he is putting you through and for him to understand that TERRIBLE DECISIONS imply STRONG CONSEQUENCES.

The way I'm seeing things go, it seems you will be in for a lot of pain down the road later on. I hope I'm wrong.

Stay strong. Don't compromisse.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 11:26 PM, Sunday, October 30th]