SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My 20 year marriage is finally coming to an end. My STBX is a self centered narc that has never been able to see beyond himself to ever properly love or care for his wife or kids. Year after year of being disrespected, lied to, & cheated on; its finally over. He packed his things today (with my not so nice help) and just like that he's gone.

Part of me is relieved that this hellish relationship is finally over. The other part of me is devastated. I invested so much blood, sweat,and tears into holding onto this toxic connection for my kids and to know that all of that personal sacrifice was for absolutely nothing, is killing me inside.

I told him from day one that I had no interest in being a single mom, but here I am 20 years later with four kids under 15 with disabilities. I hate him for what he's done to me and more importantly what his selfishness has done to my children. Will this pain ever go away? Will I be able to be everything that my kids need? Will they be okay through all of this? My heart is broken and I can't stop crying. Even though I know that this had to end, why does it hurt so damn much???

I am sorry you are hurting. Your STBXWS sounds like a special one. (Insert eye roll).
You WILL be okay. You will better than okay.

You’ve basically been a single parent for a long time— you just didn’t see it.
Without his unreliability and inconsistency and need for drama and attention, you will find some things easier. Certainly not walking on eggshells will be a wonderful relief.

That said, yes, there will be sad days. They get fewer and fewer and soon you will have more good days then bad. I think you are doing the BEST thing for your kids— you are showing them that you - and they- deserve to be respected. You are modeling for them how to end a toxic relationship and seek healthy healing.

Get a powerful lawyer and make sure you and the kids are taken care of. Take care of you. It’s going to be all right.

(((Hugs)))

Thank you for the encouragement and support BearlyBreathing. This is just what I needed to hear right now. I know that I'm going to get through this, but this initial hurt and those bad days are gonna truly suck.

You will be everything your children need b/c that is who YOU are. You have already proven that.

Just remember that you have been raising them as a single mom for many years.

The time & energy you aren’t focusing on holding together a marriage while giving yourself and your energy to the STBXH will be spent on you.

Embrace the life you will have without a dead weight around your neck. Think of the day when you no longer care what the STBXH is doing.

You will get there. And the calmness in your life is your reward.

(((whyme10))) I am so sorry but believe it or not you will thrive after you lose the anchor. I too kept trying over again only to be deceived. Serial cheaters and NPDs are a special kind of hell. Once you get through adjusting to your new life, the peace and freedom is so rewarding. Life is rewarding now.

The timeline that keeps pushing me forward is I know the divorce process will only last a few months, but on the other side of that is freedom!

Hugs ((((((Whyme))))). Your are going through the hardest part right now. It doesn't seem like it right now, but it will get better from here. You said you told him from day one you had no intention of being a single mom. You might as well have told him you fully intended to travel to Mars, because it wouldn't have made any difference. He was going to do what he wanted to do. I don't blame you for hating him.

You have a great deal on your plate with four disabled kids. I suspect he stayed 20 years because he needed a caretaker for his kids. But now that the decision is made, you should remind yourself that your kids have two parents. Insist that an equal share of their care falls on him, both financially and physically.

I saw a perfect example of this once with someone I worked with. He was married with 6 kids. He was very handsome and had a high paying Wall Street type job and dealt a lot with other securities firms. He was well aware of his attributes and had at least one affair with a co-worker that I knew of. Then he went on vacation for two weeks and came back all tan. It turned out he was with the daughter of the owner of another firm, on an island vacation while his wife was taking care of 6 kids. He saw his opportunity to trade up and marry into a very wealthy family well connected in the financial world, and he did.

His ex wife got the house because she needed the space for all the kids. He and his new love moved into a luxury condo with only 2, maybe three bedrooms in a brand new high-rise condo building with amenities galore. He saw his 6 kids every other weekend, and just sent them down to the pool all day. He was fun dad.

Then his wife met the man of her dreams. He was honest, decent and extremely well off. They got married. Shortly after that she showed up at his condo unannounced with the kids in tow and a great deal of suitcases. Her and her new husband were going on a 6 month trip around the world and she told him it was his turn to take care of the kids, and she left. What could he say? It's not fair? Suddenly his love nest in the sky wasn't so awesome with 6 kids in 2 bedrooms. Seeing that taught me that women, and men, all too often take on way more than our share when it comes to raising the kids. When our spouse leaves we automatically say "Now I'm a single mom or dad." We aren't really, unless your cheating spouse is dead.

You have every right to expect that he do his share. It doesn't mean you don't love your children, or you don't care because you need a break yourself. Just remember, it's not like he shouldn't expect to do his share. You warned him long ago that you had no intention of being a single mom. So don't be.