SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found his burner phone accidentally 2 nights ago. It has been 10 years of what I thought was reconciliation. I stopped looking for a burner phone years ago. I only occasionally looked at his emails if something "felt off". I never found anything. It's the same mOW - he only stopped contact for about 3 months. He says they have not met up in person it has all been online - given she lives less than 30 minutes away he must think I'm stupid, but aside from a bit of pain shopping, it is irrelevant as R was always dependent on NC ever.

It blows my mind that he is prepared to sacrifice so much for so little. She has a cozy life and doesn't want to leave it for him. Our kids can't believe it and are disgusted at him. I know he is peddling a sanitized version as a text from his friend I saw reminded him "he was a good man and it wasn't his fault I misunderstood the situation", but now his family knows about his affairs and he has never wanted them to find out. Sanitized or not it is still grubby! Financially he will struggle so much more as he earns about a third of what I do. We had even been discussing him reducing his hours as he has been struggling with the physicality of his job but he is 5 years off getting his pension.

There is no going back from this. We will be divorcing. I know I am numb and stunned but it doesn't hurt as much as the first time. The first time I thought I would die from the pain of it. This time I am hurting but I already knew he was capable of this. So it is minus the shock and absolute heartwrenching agony of the first time you discover that someone you love and totally trust has betrayed you.

I expect it is going to be a rough time, he is being cooperative at present. He wants me to change my mind! My IC and MC told me years ago he was a narcissist and I was disbelieving and said I didn't think so as I had a mother and brother who were and their behaviour was quite different. She told be me that there was more than one type of narcissist! I must be a slow learner!

It is 2 years in New Zealand for a divorce to become final. It seems so long but I guess it will pass quickly enough.

I always thought I wouldn't mind being on my own, but I think I may be lonelier than I thought. Has anyone found strategies to manage this?

You have to be lonely in a marriage living with a liar and cheater.

However you are not obligated to D him. You can accept him for exactly who and what he is. And still live a happy life but just know he will continue to lie and cheat. That is his MO and if you are willing to accept it, your life can be perfectly happy.

It’s when you want monogamy and he wants to cheat that the marriage is doomed.

No one says you have to D or S or even reconcile. It’s your choice what to do next.

There is something deranged with cheaters who carry on with the affair after agreeing to R. And there is something even more deranged for a vicor, who spiritually leads others, to live this doubble life. Makes you think how he advised others who had faith in his moral code dealing with infidelity

OP, this is something hard for us to comprehend but this type of behaviour is relatively common. Or at least I think it is. If you read some posts that AP's and cheaters post on the Reddit adultery sub you will read how fast they sceam to get back into the affair once the things at home 'cool off' after they are caught. It's sick.

OP once you cut this 'gem' of a vicor loose I predict the best years lay ahead of you.

Being on your own after years with someone else is an adjustment. There were times I was lonely.
But even at my loneliest, there was a peace in not worrying walking on eggshells, not wondering what land mine I might step in, what his mood would be and would it be up to me to try to smooth everything over….

So. Get busy. Join a gym, join meet-up groups, try new hobbies, say yes to every offer to do stuff you can, volunteer, pick up a side hustle, get a pet… you get the idea. Anything you wanted to try but couldn’t, or hobby you gave up— now is the time.
Get in to IC to understand yourself better and why you made the choices you made. Our WS did what they did and that is 100% on them. But we accepted some really shitty behavior and it’s great to figure out why and how we’ll be better about boundaries in the future, either alone or in new partnerships.

LIke you said, the 2 years will go fast enough, and it gets better every week. Check with a lawyer and be sure you are protecting your assets since you make more money. A narc can be sneaky, so shields up….

Hang in there - better days are ahead.

Hey, sorry you found yourself here. I'll echo the advice others have given. It will get better. The peace thing is huge. I've been S for 3 years. Dday#1 was just over 1.5 years before I filed for D. I filed 7 months after Dday#2. The long and the short of it was that in order to heal, my WW would have to step up to the plate and become an amazing person. Unfortunately, she didn't and still doesn't have it in her. She's just a low quality woman.

But one thing I noticed the moment I told her I was done, was the sense of peace. It was weird how different, even seemingly contradictory emotions can coexist simultaneously. I was sad grieving, and at peace. I've had to get use to the variety of emotional cocktails that have become my life now.

The loneliness was a big issue for me, and to some extent still is. I dated waaaaaay too soon and really fell for that woman. We parted ways and in many ways, I took it harder than the end of my marriage. Even 2 years later I still get sad at the loss even though it wasn't a healthy relationship. But that's okay. I've come to realize that emotions, both positive and what we might label as negative, are temporary, like rooms we walk through. We might stay for a bit, but we don't live in them. This realization has helped process the emotions I feel and take solace I their temporary nature.

If you are anything like me, once you get a place of your own, you'll find that the real journey begins, and most of all, it's nonlinear. Even right now, I am sitting in a pub having taken myself out for lunch. And to be honest, I got up feeling a little blue this morning. As a 55 year old man, the prospects of finding a partner that I fit with are very remote. There is a very real chance I will be alone for the rest of my life. But there is also an upside to this. Peace and freedom to, combined with some freedom from.

Tomorrow, when I wake up, I will have walked through the room in which I keep my loneliness and move on to another room. And that one will be okay, mostly because I carry my peace with me.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Our stories are very similar. I found out recently that my stbwxh was having multiple affairs 17 years after we’re in R from his first affair when our daughter was a baby. Found a burner phone and even hired a private investigator. Now we are divorcing. There’s no way I could stay with him after he decided to lie and cheat again.

Do what is best for you and your children. You’ll be so much happier without him and his lies in your life.

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 9:18 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

It's always sad to see failed reconciliations here. I'm 13 years into single life now and I recall when you came on board SI. I was completely exhausted from settling my divorce that year and I was still very traumatized.

Having to make the decision to pull the plug always adds more trauma to the pile, but thankfully he did that for you and now you can move on with a clear conscience. Dumb fucker!

It took me awhile to settle into flying solo, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. Freedom and peace are priceless. I have ZERO contact with the fuckwit ex, even moreso now that I have a new cell # and he can't random text me anymore.

I'm heading into my 70s next year (yikes!) and watching friends struggle in stale marriages with partners with health issues, so it's not all it's cracked up to be. No kids for me but I have a lot of young friends thanks to going back to school to get an MA and travelling some. I met so many lovely folks and a lot of them stayed in my life, so there's richness there.

Being unpartnered isn't a death sentence. Loneliness is something to be bargained with for sure, but if you work at maintaining connections with friends and community it takes the edge off.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:02 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

He came around today and we starting clearing out stuff - loads to the dump and to sell. He was cold and angry, after a few hours I hid away in the bedroom. Then I left and went to our daughter's til I thought he'd be done.

I arrived home slightly too early and he was still there.

We talked budgets and plans. He said he'd told mOW yesterday he wouldn't be in contact any more, he was saying he realised he'd hurt me and he was sorry. Despite everything, I felt that seed of hope. How pathetic am I?

Later when he'd gone, I told my son that his father had said he was going NC with mOW. My son snorted with derision and said "oh mum, it's been one day!" Talk about an immediate reality check to bring you down to earth.

I've come to realize that emotions, both positive and what we might label as negative, are temporary, like rooms we walk through. We might stay for a bit, but we don't live in them. This realization has helped process the emotions I feel and take solace I their temporary nature.

Thanks for that JSG, that analogy resonates with me.

I will keep myself busy. I am on holiday leave from work and we had planned to go and visit our younger son who is living in the south island and help do some painting. I have decided to go by myself but for shorter period. Covid lockdowns have meant i haven't seen him for ages.

It will be also good for my older son and his partner who live with just me now, to have time on their own.

Talking to our kids over the last couple of days, I am now more aware how they were more traumatized last time than I realised. Overnight their very safe and peaceful household tipped upside down. With a dad having a suicide attempt, a mum trying to hold everything together but barely functioning, from parents who rarely got cross to ones who were suddenly bickering behind closed doors, a father yelling at their constantly crying mum and him driving off in a rages. Their perfect minister dad was suddenly a hypocrite. I thought we had done better at shielding them than that. How we damage our kids!

[This message edited by avicarswife at 7:52 AM, Monday, January 31st]

Hang in there AVW.
You will get through this and it sounds like your adult children have a very good understanding of who you both are. While you can regret the damage done in the past, you can also step forward into your new life knowing that they can manage and deal with pain.

Life is full of bumps and bruises and knowing how to care for them sure does make life easier. I'm certain I would not have walked through the storm of infidelity so quickly and come out on the other side as good as I did w/o going through the traumas of growing up w/ an alcoholic father, and somewhat narcissistic mother.

That said lets focus on you. You fear loneliness. Please do not. Being alone is not a crime, sin, or even a bad thing. You now get to do whatever you want whenever you want. This means if you don't feel like cooking dinner you don't, and if you want popcorn and beer for dinner you can, and no one will judge. It also means that you are actually stepping into a new chapter of your life where you can certainly spread your own wings, and try whatever skill, hobby, or craft that you had delayed learning, or that your STBX turned his nose up at. You are definitely in a sweet spot young enough to do the things you want, and old enough to have the funds, and old enough to not have to worry about who is taking care of the kids. As a momma who's birds left the nest this year, it is strange not having either of them here, but is also really cool to work all day and then do whatever I feel like.

You will get through this and being person of substance, strength, and bravery, I'm betting that you will shine, and find out how great life can be.

((((And Strength)))

13 days in and holding on ok.

I have seen a divorce lawyer, paid a retainer, changed my will and organised to have our family home to be changed from joint owners to tenants in common until it is sold. Been to my GP and had the STI panel done. Sleep is terrible, but I think it will come right, if not I will get something to help.

Communication with STBXH seems to be still ok as long as I don't tell him any home truths. He says he is seeing a counselor next week and has no desire to contact OW. I said he can do whatever he likes so it is not relevant to me anymore as he has made his choice. Last time with the threat of marriage on the line and seeing my trauma he managed 3 months. There is none of those things at play this time so it is probably still happening and he is lying. But I need to stop focusing on that.

However you are not obligated to D him. You can accept him for exactly who and what he is. And still live a happy life but just know he will continue to lie and cheat. That is his MO and if you are willing to accept it, your life can be perfectly happy.

My brother asked me if I had considered this. It's not for me. Whilst it would be easier on the financial front for both of us, it would be more beneficial to him medium and long term than me. Marriage/relationship is about so much more than financial security to me - that is probably near the bottom. If I did do this, it would also preclude me from forming any other relationship - unlikely though it is.

I am back at work next week, telling people is so hard. The sympathy and empathy I find I struggle to deal with. Even from my closest friends. Fortunately we only have a few friends in common these days. It was hard last time as they never knew he was a cheater, keeping what was the biggest thing in our lives a secret made me feel like I was living a lie too. I really am only still close to the ones who knew. Most of my friends are my own which makes it simpler.

I am avoiding pain shopping as much as possible, trying to not get upset at things that I hear eg STBXH's sister rang our 3 kids to support them, she told my younger son that she doesn't hold anything against me! My son was so angry, not at her but at his father because he knew the lies he must be peddling. I will need to find strategies to deal with this kind of thing and not drive me crazy with anger.

That said lets focus on you. You fear loneliness. Please do not. Being alone is not a crime, sin, or even a bad thing. You now get to do whatever you want whenever you want. This means if you don't feel like cooking dinner you don't, and if you want popcorn and beer for dinner you can, and no one will judge.

Thank you TN. Cooking has become something my older son has joked about, STBXH has a severe allergy to eggs. So I have never cooked with them til now, now my elder son looks at the meals and grins as he asks how may eggs I have managed to use in them? My record is 6!

[This message edited by avicarswife at 6:22 PM, Wednesday, February 9th]

Eggselent!

On a more serious note, you are doing everything right, and you should be extremely proud of yourself. And it sounds like you have terrific kids.

I’m so sorry your dealing with this 10 years later. I’m presently dealing with D 17 years later after false R. There is part of me that is sad that our 26 year relationship is over but also part of me that is empowered and looking forward to the next chapter and not dealing with his lies. You seem to be a strong woman and your kids will see that too!!

Enjoy those eggs!