SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure which forum this goes into. Not 'freshly found out', definitely not R, not separated yet either.

Today is 1 year from latest DD. Kind of in limbo. I have a series of things eg. getting a job etc., to get done before striking out on my own. Moving slowly but getting there (hopefully... sometimes I think what am I doing --- all because of an EA ?? ... other times I think that there's no other way because H will just do it again. There's been no effort on H's part except to make an effort to be nice to me. He is just waiting for me to get over it.

We're both on vacation --- me solo for the first time ever, he with a friend. He asked me to go with him a couple of times. I refused. He seems to be having a great time though. Sending me pictures and texting me asking what I'm doing. So far I've ignored him except to send a smiley on one picture. Regretting the smiley now.

Seeing an IC from 3rd Sep. Living in some kind of a weird world where I'm normal on the outside but all conflicted, acutely miserable (and that's an understatement) on the inside.

Anyone in my shoes ? Everyone here seems so sure of which category they are in & what they're going to do

"Acutely miserable" describes me perfectly. I know of 4 infidelities, which makes me feel dumb and guilty. I treated each of them as separate instances and WH responded to each of them with lots of "remorse" and even went to counseling a lot (he's actually even trying again now!). This time I finally get it, it's not fixable (not by me) and I'm just heartbroken, even though I should probably be relieved.

I did several years of intentional limbo, which basically boiled down to: as long as the superficial part of the relationship was “fine”, and I was friendly to him, then we basically lived as friendly roommates. I’d intended to stay that way until the youngest graduated, but he forced my hand a bit and I ended things earlier than that.

Limbo wasn’t fun, but I buried myself in planning, research, getting all my ducks in a row. It took a little while of me waiting, and hoping, before I talked sense into myself and started detaching. By the time the end came, I was pretty well detached and was able to present him with a good (subtly better for me) agreement and such, and because I was friendly about it, he not only didn’t fight, he let the divorce go default. He was just happy I’d done all the work and he didn’t have to make any effort, just walk away with the girlfriend of the moment.

So for me, limbo worked for several years, but only because I managed to compartmentalize him/the relationship and kept busy with productive progress with the end goal in mind. But I mostly hung out here in D/S as part of my planning, since I knew where things would end up eventually.

I was in what I also thought was limbo for a year and a half. I was a SAHM and knew I wanted to get back to work so I could feel less trapped in the event that I had a 4th dday. I returned to work 2 weeks after my youngest started kindergarten and immediately a switch flipped for me and I was done. I took my 1st paycheck in 9 years and started my own account the same day that I filed. I am now almost a year into divorce and realize that I wasn't in limbo at all, I just needed that little bit of independence to give me the courage to do what I should have done many years ago. To many people including my soon to be ex it seems that I was planning and scheming this for the year and a half and it has given himself and his flying monkeys ammunition even though that wasn't the case.
Anyway, I was also back and forth and didn't know where I belonged for a very long time...until one day I suddenly did. Maybe you just haven't discovered what that one thing is for you that will push you one way or the other. Maybe you are exhausted, and frozen and just taking an unintentional but much needed break fron the trauma that is infidelity before you have recovered your strength and carry on.

I'm in year 4 and count me in the "intentional limbo" group as well.
I'm emotionally detached, appreciate the nice things my WH does, but we are basically friendly roommates.
If I have to, I can walk my fine ass out the door at ANY time (which I think helps alot).
It's not ideal, and won't be sustainable forever, but it works for me today, as I'd rather not be buying a house in this crazy market and I'd rather not be further isolated in the midst of Covid (I'm back to staying at home outside of what's absolutely necessary). I only got a financially viable job ~6 months ago, so I'd also like to feel more secure on that front.

After all this time, it's pretty clear my WH is not going to become R material. We don't talk about his As anymore - there's no point. I have no sense of romantic love for my WH anymore (tho I was just this evening thinking of how much I miss those feelings), I am not emotionally vulnerable with him (bc as Brene Brown would say, he has not EARNED the right to hear my story).

IMHO, it's totally OK to work though your healing/recovery journey on whatever timeline works for YOU. For me, the trick has been to learn to love myself - even the parts that kind of suck, like remaining in limbo :)

learn to love myself - even the parts that kind of suck, like remaining in limbo

This ^ We all have our own timelines that work for us. I stayed in limbo for 5 years after False R. I probably stayed too long as I was being emotionally abused. I finally left because my mental health took a hit, but have been getting better and healthier on a faster timeline since I left.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:01 PM, Wednesday, September 1st]

Ellbell, I feel your pain, knowing that this is not going to get fixed — EVER. I’m in the same boat.

ChewedMeUp , Millgirl, crazyblindsided — thank you for the words of encouragement and support