SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story-- I met my husband at 18 and we married two years later. We have been married 36 years- 2 children. Found out about 20 years ago about the first EA. 7 years ago about the second. (found SI at that time, didn't post, but leaned heavily on the site. So, here I am again). Was devastated both times. Never really understood the his need for constant validation and his obsession with exercise and his body. It's been an ongoing issue for the entire marriage. He attends church regularly and likes to portray himself as a family man. He is a fraud. Found out again a couple of months ago, that he has done it again. More likely he never stopped with this behavior. I believe I married a narcissist. I saw a lot of these behaviors- no empathy, no remorse, lying, etc., but never really saw the problem in its entirety. He is an attention seeking, bottomless pit of a human being who has no remorse for the damage he has caused. He is now in counseling and proudly proclaims he is "working on himself". He is actively in the narcissist discard phase and it feels as though I never existed. After this latest discovery, I was in such despair and I knew I couldn't co exist with him in the same house. I moved out, and am actively working on my co-dependency, determined to claim some self respect and stop being with someone who makes me feel completely dehumanized. Every day is a battle as I try to figure out who I am and what my future will look like as everything I have ever known is no longer intact. There are days where it is literally one breath at a time as I try to hold myself together. One thing is for certain, this path will require a lot of work in every area of my life, but again, I know that I probably would not have survived if I stayed knowing what I now know about the man I married.

dahlia33,

((Hugs)) to you and welcome to a great support system!

Well done for the actions that you have taken to care for yourself and to distance yourself from someone who is undeserving of you!!

It sounds like you have used these years to gather knowledge and strength. You are seeing him with clear eyes. You are owning your own worth and safety.

As you say

There are days where it is literally one breath at a time as I try to hold myself together. One thing is for certain, this path will require a lot of work in every area of my life, but again, I know that I probably would not have survived if I stayed knowing what I now know about the man I married

You are being realistic, and you are being strong. Keep taking care of yourself!

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 3:25 AM, July 26th (Monday)]

I so get how you are feeling. Been there too. We lose our identity when we are with these people. Takes some time to recover from it. Hugs for now.

Dahlia, is there a reason you think none of these EAs have crossed over to PAs? Were they all online EAs or people he knew locally? If there is any remote chance at all that he had physical access to any of the OW, get a STD test just incase.

nekonamida-- I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of what went on in each situation. All were local, all were people that he worked out with. There was kissing involved in the first, so yes, in that case a PA. That being said, when dealing with this type of person, I have to default to knowing that I only know what I know and anything is possible. (so, yes, will be tested). In my case, it seems as though my WS is a major cake eater. He likes to push the boundaries and get enough attention to make himself feel good about himself without diving all the way in. He has been very angry since I blew up his world by telling family, friends, people who he "studies" the Bible with, about his decades long deceptions. Some have distanced themselves from him and others have stuck by him. His 'good guy' image seems pretty important to him. Frankly, with his complete lack of self awareness and ability to only feel for himself, I think he himself believes he is a good guy in spite of the pain and destruction he has caused.

Good Morning dahlia33,

I realized that I should have asked this last night:

Have you told some ("live") supportive people what is happening so that they can rally around you?

Have you found an individual counselor that you find helpful?

You seem to have a great handle on understanding that this a 100% HIM-problem and was never a you-problem. No one will ever be enough to fill his bottomless bucket of need for outside affirmation. He doesn't seem to have ever wanted to own the real issue and do the real work.

Stay strong as his manipulations will likely continue to come your way. You're doing great!

Look for any moments (however fleeting) of peace and joy that you can find in each day. My support is with you!

Ah, our posts crossed over each other and I see your update already answers my first question.

Good for you for knocking his fake world (where he sees himself and others have seen him as such a "great guy") off of its axis!

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 12:15 PM, July 26th (Monday)]

Just remember - cheaters lie. We see God fearing people have full blown sexual affairs here all the time while pretending they're doing Bible studies. It's practically a trope at this point. I'm sure he will only admit to what you have evidence for so unless you have proof that they did not go further than kissing, such as messages they sent to each other talking about not crossing that line before you found out or something, it's safe to assume it's gone farther than you know. Almost no one here gets the full truth on DDay and many of us don't even get most of it until the WS takes a polygraph test.

The reason I think that these were predominantly EA's is not because of anything my WS has told me, as his voice is littered with lies, it's because of information I was able to access. I do have a small support system that I am leaning on. Every day I wake up feeling like I am in a foreign world, alone for the first time in my life. It's not something I wanted and I feel overcome with feelings of fear and anxiety, but obviously it is something that I need to do in order to live a life of authenticity and peace. I feel that my life is more aligned in truth, but getting to the place where I am at peace and feel any semblance of joy might take some time

Wow Dahlia, you may not feel like this is true, but what an inspiring story. I very much hope you find that joy and peace you so deserve. Big hugs. We're here for you.

I would ask him for a polygraph so you can have a full picture of what has happened. In the meantime I would get an STD test. You have been on SI long enough to know what "just a kiss" means.

Yes, I understand my WS is a liar. There is no asking him to take a polygraph at this point, because we are no longer 'together' and he would never humble himself to take such a test. I know he's a liar, I only say EA's (excluding the kiss), because of evidence that I found. Who knows, right? Honestly, regardless of what happened, the truth is the person I married is a habitual liar, cheat, selfish, empty human being who is in constant need of validation which he seeks through obsessively working out and training others so that he can continue to get his 'supply'. It's beyond pathetic. Thank you, swmnbc, for the kind words.