SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH and I have been doing okay. I’m currently on vacation and he plans to take a day off as well.

He thought he would “surprise” me by taking me to a fairly local winery. Problem is, I found out over a year ago that when he took me there the last time after DD, he was still texting my former best friend that he was having an emotional affair with.

Other things came up today... like an issue I have with a close relative becoming good friends with OW after the fact, knowing what she did to me, so I just feel like I’ve been hit with a lot all at once.

WH is now upset and says I’m never going to get passed this. How does he not get it? The last time we were at this winery, he was lying and gaslighting me. I think he was honestly trying to do something romantic but when I brought up how I felt today, it created a thing between us.

At what point does a wayward spouse fully get it? I know some do but... man this is frustrating. The EA I can kind of forgive.... it’s the ignorance and stupidity after that I can’t.

I’m sorry, I’m not really looking for answers, I just needed to vent as no one in my every day life gets it. I just can’t seem to escape the OW. She’s befriended a very close cousin and despite knowing what she’s done to me... my cousin is good with the friendship. Some days I just think WTF is wrong with people in this world!

That's really frustrating. All he has to do is say, "I understand, let's go here instead until you feel more comfortable". I think the least a WS can do to be sensitive to your needs.

You're not that far from the A. And he has no idea the real pain he caused you.

If you're like the rest of us, you think about the A, your traitor friend and the what's, where, etc, every day when we are less than 2 years out. Most think about a lot of that 10 years later, regularly.

It goes without saying that the visit to the winery brings you back to the last time you were there and the EA was in full bloom and he was lying about it. Of course you're still triggering. You remember the last time you went there and he made you have false feelings and then you found out the continuing truth.

This "you'll never get over it" talk is very disrespectful and a sign of you're just supposed to let it go, it's no big deal.

I and ALL other BS on this site will strongly disagree with him. You should make it clear to him, that yes, your M is permanently stained from this and your relationship will never be as it was. It very rarely ever is.

An A doesn't stem from an M issue, but it does show that WS & BS aren't communicating effectively. An A shows that the partners are really bad at reading each other's minds. Your WS hasn't figured that out yet.

Part of R is (re)learning how to communicate, and I think that requires clear and explicit use of language to make requests and to give responses. It means assuming you don't know what the other person wants without asking. It means no surprises.

I don't know if your H means well or not. One way to test him is to have a talk in which you make 2 points: 1) no more lies; 2) no surprises. If he steps up, great - R starts/continues. If he doesn't, great - he's shown himself not to be a candidate for R.

The “you’ll never get over it” phrase makes me feel like I’m being blamed for the pain of the A. As if I have failed the relationship. I can’t hear or read the phrase without feeling disgust and disappointment. Isn’t it just another form of blame shifting or basically telling the BS to “shut up about it already.”?

A.) Your WS’s response indicates he is not remorseful yet. The “you’re never going to get over it” or “we are never going to get past this” response is standard wayward. My wife said it for nigh unto 3 years! Then she realized she is stuck with the facts, and the facts are that she broke something that can’t be just propped up and scotch-taped back together.

#2.) The aftermath of the affair can cause more damage and hurt than the facts of the affair itself. If you are like many of us BSs whose WSs are unrepentant, unremorseful, defensive/deflective/deceitful gas lighters trying to minimize what they have done — they just add more damage to the shit-pile of pain and destruction their EA/one-night-stand/internet sex/or long-term serious affair did in the first place.

c.) You likely have a list of places that are sure-fire triggers: he should have that list memorized by now, and working to avoid those places at all cost!!! That is an absolute no-brainer. (Some day you may be ready to start crossing them off that list as you feel safer, stronger, and more self-confident — but that is YOUR call.)

WH is now upset and says I’m never going to get passed this.

One day, you will get to the point that your answer to this will be "I might not. If you want out now, just let me know. But one thing for certain is that forgiveness, IF IT EVER COMES, will be on MY timeline."

If your husband is not all in, it's better to know sooner than later. I'm sure he said what he said out of frustration, but let him know--if he is frustrated, then just imagine how YOU feel.

WH is now upset and says I’m never going to get passed this.

So...you are triggered and your WH wants to throw himself a pity party. You don't have to join in.

Your healing will happen in it own time. Neither you or he can rush it along.

One day, you will get to the point that your answer to this will be "I might not. If you want out now, just let me know. But one thing for certain is that forgiveness, IF IT EVER COMES, will be on MY timeline."

jb3199 nailed it with this.