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I’ve been a bit MIA, but for good or neutral reasons. It’s just a very busy time of the year for me. I think it must also say something about my mindset and recovery that I’m not desperate to get on here more often. But I do think often of everyone here and wish I had more time! Eventually I will!

Our anniversary is this week. It’s a milestone one, although as I discussed with my therapist today it seems like a silly social construct that we place more emphasis on the length of time when it’s divisible by 5 or 10! Last year was the first one post DDay (but one had passed post-A when I was clueless.) Last year I said I needed patience and a surprise. He came through well! This year is shaping up similarly. He took some initiative in planning. We have a nice date planned. I still make mixed feelings about celebrating vows that aren’t intact. But I’m a sentimental fool so it still feels more right than wrong to celebrate.

But tonight I insisted we work through another chapter in the book Not Just Friends we’ve been listening to as home “therapy”. He was annoyed I requested we spend some time on it so close to the anniversary. For him that ruins the mood. He went to bed cranky. But I had felt the need brewing and I knew ignoring that would have bigger consequences. I would be distracted and angsty. And as far as I’m concerned what I need is still way more important than what he needs.

Here’s hoping we can enjoy our big day! I hope you are all doing well!

He should be thankful. Not every BS is willing to celebrate anniversaries once the vows they commemorate are broken. Thinking that the anniversary is not a time to be working on your marriage seems odd.

In spite of it all I'm still happy that I married my FWW. So I celebrate that date. But I must admit that I'm sometimes tempted to subtract a year for the time she left the marriage without telling me.

I think having the discussion - not letting your H get out of it - says something very positive about your healing.

If it ruined his mood, it did so by reminding him of reality, and I don't see how one can R with someone who dodges reality. But since he did the work, he stopped dodging, and that says something positive about his healing.

Looks like a great way to start an anniversary celebration....

*****

BTW, it took my W 3+ years to tell me that every conversation about her A was painful to her.

She thought I asked questions to punish her, and that was the furthest thing from my mind. By telling me she hurt when she talked about her A, I started prefacing my questions and comments with what I hoped to get from the question/comment, and that made it easier for her to talk.

So your H not wanting to go through the chapter of NJF is probably pretty normal, and his honesty and willingness to do the work even though he didn't want to gives you (and him) something to work with.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:27 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

GTR,

Working through, or revisiting? I feel this is very important.

It's the difference between taking over a year to get through some background reading and opening an old text book to remind yourself how to solve some typical problems.

Everyone is free to R at their own pace, but it's just very typical that these not-particularly-hard-to-read books on infidelity end up with a bookmark in chapter 1 at the bottom of the pile on WS's nightstand and never move without cajoling.

How would you rate your WH's progress on the "admit, get, own, live" scale?

How would you rate your WH's progress on the "admit, get, own, live" scale?

Oh he is very open about his guilt and remorse. The struggle has often been that it’s all wrapped up in a shell of deep shame. He had made improvements on being proactive. To be fair I have been busy with a hobby project in recent weeks and was aware that limited our potential “home therapy discussion” time. So I grabbed the chance when we finally could. He commented that he had been thinking about but I was so busy. Accurate. He didn’t really want to do it anniversary week. But at least we put in the time.

Things are good today. We will enjoy ourselves on our anniversary. I do feel heard enough to make that part easy.

In March was our 30th. Our 29th was not really celebrated. I decided that 30 years is big, I kept my vows for 30 years, so I had something to be proud of. I was proud that my W has never felt what it’s like to be a BW.

I have also come to understand the WS will never fully get it because they have never walked in our shoes.

Good to see you around again.

We had a great anniversary! He planned a getaway to a place we like and have good memories. We had a nice meal and intimate evening. He got me a simple gift based on the “traditional” gift for our milestone anniversary. And instead of an anniversary card he gave me a Thank You card and thanked me for staying and giving us another year as Mr and Mrs. Overall, job well done. I’m emotional this weekend because I attended a party with the APs on July 4 during the year I was in the dark - months after the offenses (which were limited interactions he ended himself) but months before I knew. The memory haunts me (despite that at the time it was a fun day. So cruel). He has mostly handled my angst around this holiday well. He understands why and doesn’t dismiss hit. He keeps trying to help me focus on the here and now. He emphasizes his remorse, embarrassment, and appreciation we are still hanging in there. I guess there’s not much more to do but ride it out! The rough moments are a lot fewer and further between at least. The antiversary (A day) is a month away. We have meaningful plans that day (coincidence) but I’m still dreading it!

Tanner - it’s a very good point that anniversaries can be about acknowledging our own accomplishments as individuals in the relationship. Congratulations on yours and I hope they continue to feel better each year!

[This message edited by GTeamReboot at 3:03 PM, July 3rd, 2021 (Saturday)]

My eight year wedding anniversary is coming up in a few days. I am usually the planner and the celebrator (until I found out about the affair, I still also celebrated our first date), but I've come to no longer care about these dates. In a way they remind me of what was lost. My husband and I are working towards reconciliation, and I have not reminded him about this anniversary and he has not mentioned anything and through all my disappointment of the last two and a half years, I still kind of hope he remembers. Although I'm certain he won't remember at all, it will still hurt because I think about all the dates he doesn't remember and yet he managed to wish the affair bitch a happy birthday when they were supposed to be no contact.

@GTeamReboot, it sounds like your husband is really working hard to make it right. I dream of the day mine will give me a thank you card.

until I found out about the affair, I still also celebrated our first date

Actually I really enjoy celebrating that date. It’s at a totally different time of year than our wedding anniversary which is followed a month later by A season and a month later by DDay. Plus it’s a date that was still full of innocence and potential for a flawless relationship. Ha!! But such a thing doesn’t exit anyway.

yowbw2019 I’m sorry you are still feeling so unsettled. The thank you card was simple and perfect. I’ve made comments before to the tune of how he should be grateful and thanking me. He’s not a sappy guy. A mushy anniversary card would have felt forced to him. But I do believe he means the thanks sincerely.

Yesterday was a super weird triggery day and he handled it well by asking me proactively how I did. Such a bizarre string of circumstances. It could have been a disaster and it was just mildly sad. So that felt like a win. I need to write about it separately soon!

Our anniversary was July 6th, and to be honest, I don't like this date, I don't feel like celebrating it, even 3.5y after DDay. My wife insists in reminding me it's our anniversary, I know she expects me to at least say "I love you", and even this is still hard to me.

Because of work, the only time we had to celebrate was at night after our baby boy went to bed. I oppened a bottle of wine, cooked some pasta, we pretended we are happy, and that was it.

I still can't handle any dates like an anniversary, her birthday, or even mine... On my birthday she bought us a cake, candles, and the three of us had an small lunch (Covid, right, so no one else came over), it had everything to be a perfect day... but it wasn't. How to recover what is lost? I have no clue...