SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if any of you guys seen my last post. I have only gotten trickle truth since D-Day almost 5 months ago. 2 days ago the truth finally came out. I finally made OW mad enough to tell me the truth. I had all the proof and he couldn't deny it anymore. But I made him tell me from his mouth. I'm so sick to my stomach. They didn't use protection and she told me it was because she had a complete hysterectomy. She sounds like an idiot that condoms don't only just prevent pregnancy. He told her that I was cheating on him and that he'd never cheated on me. She told me that he told her in the beginning that he was going to leave me. But when he finally ended it when I found out he told her he was going to work it out for the kids. He's claiming he told her that in the beginning that he wasn't going to leave me because I was his family. He said he never told her he was going to leave me. They had a 47-day "friendship". They had only been sleeping together a little over a week before I found out that he was talking to her. And I'm mad at myself because I had an inkling like a week before but I didn't look into it until about 5 days later. I'm mad at myself for not looking into it then and preventing them from sleeping together more times. I'm more her over the fact that he could do this to me. Not even that they slept together. If that makes sense. Because I never thought my wildest dreams that he would do something like this to me. Our marriage was in a rough spot, I know why it happened. But in my mind I wasn't working on the issues in our marriage because I just figured we'd get through them eventually even though it had been going on for a few years. I just thought with the kids it was really hard and after they were grown up and moved out it would get better. I know that's stupid. But I hadn't had a sex drive in 9 years so we didn't have a lot of sex. And he felt rejected a lot. And if he would come to me with any issues that he was having I would invalidate his feelings and I would just brush him off and I would just brush everything under the rug. And so this woman fell into his lap giving him the attention and things that I wasn't. And he's acknowledged that doesn't make it okay and I know it doesn't make it my fault. I'm just scared I'm never going to be able to look at him the same way. Before everything was out he was 100% against therapy. But when I found out all of it I told him therapy is non-negotiable and he has agreed to go. He still calls her just a friend, he said it was only sex and there were no feelings involved. And he was only thinking about himself and how the attention she was giving him made him feel. Here's where things get complicated, he does think I cheated on him. He found a porn video that he swear as me from some website. He's always accused me of doing things. And he still thinks this video is me. And he says nothing I say can convince him that it's not me. So that's still a really big struggle. I will say by the end of our long conversation on the day I finally got all of the truth I eventually did see that he was remorseful. The rest of the time I didn't see any remorse I didn't see any emotions nothing. But we did lots of crying together the other day so that was kind of helpful but now I'm just scared. I'm just scared I'll never be able to look at him again I'm scared I'll never be able to trust him again I'm scared I'll never want to be intimate with him again. And he's fully understanding of those things. His stories that day were even different than before. The many breakdowns that I had he was there for me anyway that I would let him be. I'm sorry this is all over the place but I'm looking to hear from people who have reconciled and things got better. I'm looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. It just sucks because when I asked him how he could do that and come home and look me in the eye he just would say well how did you do it? In December we gotten a really big fight and he wasn't talking to me for two weeks straight I wasn't even exactly sure why he stopped talking to me because he never voiced why he was mad and I got scared I was going to lose him so I went to the doctor got something for my sex drive my sex drive was a lot better we were actually having more sex in January and I thought things were going good that's why this was so hard because I found out on January 28th that he was talking to her. Please any insight that there can be a light at the end of this tunnel. I need some hope.

There is alot more, I'm sorry I am a rambling mess. He thought since I wasn't having sex with him I was from somewhere else. And he keeps asking why now? Why the month before I found out was I trying so hard, he thinks it was because the first few days of December when he found that video it's because I got caught. And a few days after he confronted me about the video it was taken down and he thought that only proved it more because it had been posted over a year ago. He has it saved to his phone though. I know he believes it is me and isn't using it as an excuse to justify anything. I remember when he confronted me he was scared, I could see it, he was shaking and his voice was shakey. He really believed it and still does. So I of course can't help but fell this was revenge even though he says it isn't. That's what makes all of this harder, he believes it's me, I'll admit before we got married I had what you would call a pen pal that I hid from him and he found out and I would never show him the messages. Mostly because I was pissed he didn't trust me. Sounds real stupid now I know. He lived in another country, it was strictly about our cultures and how different things were in each place. So I guess since then he has been leery. But since I made vows to him to be faithful I have, and I can't get him to see that. It sucks so bad. But can I justify it when I broke other vows? Like communication and listening to him and being intimate with him?

Almost all of us are rambling messes at the start, so there's no need to apologize for that.

Could you do paragraphs, though, even starting as early as now? Paragraphs would make it much easier to understand what you're saying.

First, understand that people have been healing from infidelity for eons, and most of us recover, so you can, too. As awful as life feels right now, it can get better.

You say he's accused of cheating repeatedly and for a long time. He doesn't believe you about the video.

Now is a time to reconsider your life. Now is one of the times it will be easiest to make changes.

Do you really want to stay with a this guy?

Felix,

Take a deep breathe. As Sisoon said, you will get through this.

Please understand that your lack of sex drive is not at a reason to cheat. It may have been an issue in the marriage— but one that can be addressed through conversation, therapy, even divorce. Cheating was a choice he made. Marital problems belong to both of you, but cheating is 100% on the cheater.

Is your WH in IC or MC? Are you in IC? You may find IC helpful in understanding what YOU want.

Your WH should be in IC to understand why he made such crappy choices. Address the M issues later.

Since they didn’t use protection, get to your doctor and get tested for everything. Eat well, drink LOTS of water, avoid alcohol, get some exercise. These help your body and mind, and will help you weather this storm. We often recommend talking to a lawyer (without telling him) to educate yourself on what D might look like—- knowledge is power and it helps to understand all the possible outcomes.

How old are your kids? Do you work outside the home?

Hang in there— you really will get through this.

It seems to me that you're at an impasse. How can you heal and move forward when he believes those lies about you? And how can he heal and become remorseful if he still believes that you are lying about cheating? I think you need to lay it on the table for him - if he can't believe you, the marriage isn't going to last. Offer to take a polygraph even if he wants you to. But you can't R while you're stuck on this issue because you don't have a foundation of trust to rebuild upon.

I told him when all the truth came out that counciling was non negotiable if he wants to stay married. So we have not started yet. Planning to get all of that together soon.

I definitely agree about the impasse. I couldn't put into words why this part was so hard but you hit the nail on the head.

I think he believes me about the video but I also believe he doesn't admit and won't admit he believes me because it maybe makes him feel better about what he did? Or he is possibly refusing to believe me so he can feel a bit better?

Our kids are 9 and 4. I do work out of the home, I work over nights three nights a week, 7p-7a.

I think he believes me about the video but I also believe he doesn't admit and won't admit he believes me because it maybe makes him feel better about what he did? Or he is possibly refusing to believe me so he can feel a bit better?

I'd hesitate to say if he does or does not really believe you because you'd have to read his mind in order to know that. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't. What matters is if he will choose to believe you moving forward and drop it for good. Otherwise, he's not giving you much to work with in R.

Nekoamida

It seems he wants R. You are right I can't read his mind though. We will just have to see how counciling goes and if he brings it up.

He found a porn video that he swear as me from some website.

I thought I had heard every excuse for cheating until this. Please don't validate anything this stupid. It's an insult to your intelligence.

Your husband is a typical cheater. There's nothing unique about his affair. Every stage of the affair including his verbal responses/ridiculous excuses/blaming you etc are 100% typical.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. He needs to accept 100% responsibility, identify the true core reasons for his cheating, and rebuild your trust.

It takes time. As a start, has he read:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"

by Linda J. MacDonald

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:24 AM, June 21st (Monday)]

Robert

He doesn't use this as an excuse to what he did. This is something he found and confronted me about before the affair even started. He has taken full responsibility. He doesn't blame me and says he never should have done what he did and has been very remorseful since the whole truth came out. He just says he doesn't think I have been faithful either, when we talk about the struggles we have had in our marriage that got us to this place.

Sisson

He isn't just some guy. He is my husband, that I love deeply. He really screwed up. I want and he wants to do all the work to get past this. I want us to get to the place of having a better marriage than we have ever had before.

He knows that will only happen with alot of work doing MC, probably IC as well. I told him it was non negotiable. He said he doesn't want to lose me so he is willing to do the work. He said he is scared we do it all and I can't get past it and I leave him anyway. I told him I can't guarantee that but we both agreed it was worth it to try.

Felix,

This part is REALLY important--

He has to want to do these changes for himself. Otherwise, he is setting himself up for failure.

Ideally, you could be one to benefit from the changes. But the 'fear' of doing all this work, and you still leaving should not even be a factor for his efforts. Not at all.

jb

I guess I don't understand why he can't be scared that I will leave him, scared I'll never be able to accept and heal? I'll clairify with him that he wants to fix himself for sure though.