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It has been 2 weeks since my spouse has agreed to give me 90 days to make my attempt at reconciliation. We have gone on dates, been intimate. Some days I've felt we are getting closer and goimg somewhere. But suddenly he shuts down and says he can't look at me without feeling triggered and our sex life isn't what it seems because he does not feel good enough as the other guy. The last 8 years of our relationship are no longer good memories. Now he can recall all my flaws. i was 20 when we got together and im 29 now so I've been far less than perfect and have grown alot over the years. He would like me to go file the paper work for a name change. My BS is trying to help make it easy for me to buy my own condo and leave rather than just pack my car up and go to an apartment. He's still looking out for me and idk why. Im willing to do whatever it takes, I want this 90 days to show him that I am going to be a better individual and a safe partner. My BS does not really give me the opportunity to show him these things. I've heard it takes two to reconcile. Is him pushing me away part of it? Should I go get my name change and focus on moving forward by myself? Forget the whole 90 day thing and move on? My BS doesn't have an outlet and im just not sure what to do. How to support and be present but let go...this seems to be it but again I've read up on infidelity and affairs. I've seen some BS advice and its either to leave or to keep fighting because this is just normal for him to not want to be with me and then the next make love to me. I want to do the right thing for the relationship. I dont want to cause anymore damage.

[This message edited by violet09 at 12:50 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

In my experience BSs need actions. They need gestures. They want to see physical proof that they matter, they are important, they are heard. Because words no longer hold significance.

A name change certainly feels like a big change. It probably feels hurtful and confusing for you. But me outside looking in, I think its a rather simple (not counting the hassle of filling out paperwork and filing) gesture you can provide. Its hard to know what it actually means for him, what his motive is and whats behind it.

But, if I were in your position I think I would begin that process. I would express that its painful and that you hope one day his name can be restored, but that you are willing to do this for him because you want to help him heal.

The name change may feel very final to you but its not going to be the thing that signifies the end of your marriage, yes it does seem a step in that direction but it can be fixed later. 90 days is going to fly by, and this is your last chance to show him with actions that you are in this with him. I don't think I would hold back. You said he doesn't give you much to work with, well here it is, this is something.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 7:21 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

I'm afraid you need to redefine what you think of as progress. If you expect to know whether you're back on track by summer, you're probably in for disappointment. Most BS who say "I'll give you X amount of time to prove you're all in" mean just that. They're going to hold off filing for divorce while they watch to see if you're all in. They don't mean that's the deadline for them to decide they're all in. The typical timeline for that is 2-5 years. Statistically speaking, he's anywhere from 2% of the way through that process to less than 1%. You should expect progress to be indiscernible. If the call is made at this early stage, it's usually for D.

What your BH needs from you is honesty, transparency, and patience. Patience with his roller coaster feelings. Patience with him clinging, then accusing, then rejecting, then getting hopeless. Patience with no guarantees and no idea how long this will go on. You need to be the rock on which R is rebuilt.

This was one of my big errors in judgment, expecting to see progress too quickly. I know how hard it is to wonder if all this pain will be worth it in the end or if it's just prolonging the agony. He's wondering the same thing. One way you show him you've changed is by showing up and shouldering that.

He wants you to fight for him and be sorrowful. FL, is right, he's looking for a sea change in you to convince him to R. Resist going to a condo, stay and fight.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 7:57 PM, April 9th (Friday)]

I read thru your post history and noticed after your initial post you don't respond to questions and comments. You want advice but even here can't answer tough questions. People are only trying to get an Idea of where your at to give good advice. You say when you shut down and run away when your husband tries to get you to answer his questions. It feels you're doing the same here. Trust me I lashed out horribly when I first posted here. I now realize it was me with issues not the people reaching out. Try to answer plz.

Is it because I'm on a phone I get double posted?

[This message edited by Lostallalone at 2:39 AM, April 10th (Saturday)]

@LostAllAlone

I wasn't aware i was being asked a question, or have been asked a question that was not already answered in other posts.

Just because I dont respond to comments does not mean I'm taking offense. I asked for advice. I've gotten several comments here giving advice and im taking it all in, no need for me to comment.

But I do read these comments and appreciate all the advice I can get.

Hi there violet09,

This

What your BH needs from you is honesty, transparency, and patience. Patience with his roller coaster feelings. Patience with him clinging, then accusing, then rejecting, then getting hopeless. Patience with no guarantees and no idea how long this will go on. You need to be the rock on which R is rebuilt.

is fantastic advice. I severely underestimated the timeline for healing, and my BS wanted to be all in. That 2-5 year timeline is no joke. For us it was more like 6-8. There isn't going to come a time when the infidelity is just over, in the past, it never comes up again. He still triggers once in a while.

Your BS has experienced a deep psychological wound. His triggers and the whole roller coaster thing are a normal reaction to a traumatic, life changing event. If he had had any other kind of injury and it wasn't because of your choices, would be having the same thoughts about whether to cut and run because you're not sure if he's going to be able to completely recover? I know the guilt is very tough for us WS to bear. It's not like we had great skills for dealing with difficult feelings, if we had we probably would not have cheated in the first place. When the consequences are raining down

it's normal for you to desire some certainty that it's not always going to be this bad, but that is actually a counterproductive way of framing the situation.

A more productive way of framing it for me was that regardless of what happened with BS and the marriage, I needed to work on becoming a safe person to be in relationship with and someone that I feel good about being. The ongoing work done to that end has been a huge positive for its own sake, even had our reconciliation failed, and I can say pretty certainly that without it reconciliation would have been impossible.

The name change thing is a no-brainer. It's a concrete thing he's asking you to do. My experience is that the longer you wait, the more of a source of frustration it will be for him that you are not honoring his request. It's hard, but the best thing you can do is let him know that you want to reconcile, let go of the outcome, and make a good faith effort to become a mentally healthy person.

If you don't already have one, a practice to help you cultivate a tolerance for uncertainty and the ability to sit with difficult feelings without acting out destructively or shutting down via numbing will help a lot. If you have any questions about that, just ask.

Peace and healing to you from this EvolvingSoul.

In my experience BSs need actions. They need gestures. They want to see physical proof that they matter, they are important, they are heard. Because words no longer hold significance.

This is true too. First, 2 weeks is nothing. My wife beat the hell out of me (figuratively speaking) for about 3 years after my affair. I deserved every bit of it and took it as I knew I needed to. We'll be 6 years out and it's just gotten better sometime in about year 4. 2-5 years is no joke but I was all in.

As for gestures, I sold my car. I sold an expensive watch that I purchased while with my AP. Shut down all social media for a year and a half. Threw my clothes away. These are just the things that are expected of you. My BW didn't ask me to do any of these things including buying and reading the books, finding a therapist and figuring my shit out. Luckily I had SI as a resource and everyone's previous experience helped guide me through.

The thing is while she didn't ask me for any of these things, what she did ask for was a grand gesture. That took me a while for that as those things need to come from the heart. You can't just hire a skywriter or fill her car with balloons, it has to be something special that shows you're in for the long haul, no matter what. Even if your BS decides that reconciliation isn't going to work. Mine took me about 2 years to figure out. It might take some time but you'll get there if you want it badly enough. Take care.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:51 PM, April 12th (Monday)]