SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here it goes again. I thought about posting in the Divorce forum, but Steven suggested I start here then when we get to D I can ask to be moved to the D forum

I want to thank y’all for the support you have given me. A lot of you hear are praising me and thinking highly of me which is making me humble. The truth of the matter is that I’m just a regular guy with many faults, absolutely nothing special about me.You guys think that I’m handling things the right way considering the shitty situation I’m in, which could be true , I did some things right from the start like the 180, exposing the affair, but I only did that because of my character not because I know any better. I might show a face of a tough guy but in reality there’s a broken man behind that face. I gotta admit that huge part of me is wondering why I couldn’t forgive her why can’t I be like the old man from the church Whose wife betrayal was 10 times worse. Behind the front face I’m showing there is a man who can’t help but wonder what he did wrong during his marriage, I can’t hide that part of me wishes that I had spent more time with my wife and kids,, maybe I should have considered MC few years ago. And yes while I’m rejecting her and distancing myself I still want her and wish to be intimate with her.

Back to reality, I’m heading to Florida right after I finish writing this unfortunately my brother couldn’t make it but my youngest son is coming with me, My mom insisted I come to see her. I told my wife yesterday that I need time to clear my head. She texted later wishing me a nice trip but at the same time she just couldn’t stop giving hints of blame-shifting saying “ I’m glad you are not prioritizing work anymore.”

Talked to OBS and informed her about the situation, she is an interesting character, she assured me that she isn’t going after my wife at this moment but she will have some surprises for her in the near future. She is so nice to me she even offered me a vacation house in Ocean city which I politely rejected. Funny part is her POS husband is acting jealous that she in contact with me and accusing her of cheating With me WTF?? He is been cheating all his life and now acting like MR .Good morals .

[This message edited by AHGuy at 9:28 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

Your wife will continue to look at things from her perspective until she gets advice and help to start to look at herself

You have been fortunate to have come to this site which has helped you

She needs the same

Have a nice trip

God bless

“ I’m glad you are not prioritizing work anymore.”

Women never understand that husbands don't work because we love stress and aching muscles. Absent a family, basically every single one of us would be happily living in a cardboard box between fishing trips.

Naturally the drive ebbs after you discover the family wasn't what you thought.

Enjoy living a part of your life for you, now, AHGuy.

She is so nice to me she even offered me a vacation house in Ocean city which I politely rejected.

BTW, if you can do so safely, I think you should take her up on some of these offers. She's not just being altruistic, she's also doing it to stick a thumb in the eye of her husband. You can get the coveted "revenge on the AP" by passively drifting with the current.

[This message edited by Sunspot at 9:12 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

Funny part is her POS husband is acting jealous that she in contact with me and accusing her of cheating With me WTF?? He is been cheating all his life and now acting like MR .Good morals .

This is because people tend to think that other people think the way they do. So if POSOM had cheated their whole marriage, he assumes that is what his wife will be thinking the same way he does.

My WW, who is very similar to yours. (performance driven, acts like a devout Church goer, but underneath just very selfish and really only looks out for herself) She broke NC multiple times and when she found out her fantasy life was coming to an end, she started to think I was cheating on her. (mainly because I was just not responding to her text.... ie, the 180)

[This message edited by Ichthus at 9:26 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

Welcome to your journey out of infidelity. Don’t let your wife manipulate the narrative anymore. Let her know that after 2 (possibly 5) years of cheating you owe her no explanations and all communication at the moment should be restricted about your children only. And yeah let the POS OM sweat about your communication with his wife.

It's ok to allow yourself to feel sad and to grieve your marriage. You're missing who you thought you were married to, which makes total sense! Try not to perseverate on the what ifs of MC before. She was going to do what she was going to do regardless of how wonderful of a husband you were. She would have found a way and a reason. Logically you know that but I know emotionally it is much more difficult to understand. But it's true. MC would not have prevented her from cheating.

Let yourself be sad and be kind to yourself as you're working on huge life changes! But you're doing what is best for you and taking advice from so many other betrayed spouses who have been there which is the best thing you can be doing. Take it one day and a time and don't let anyone distract you from your primary goal - to get out of infidelity and take back control of your life.

Also it's speaks volumes about your wife that she has the balls to put it a remark like that at this point. She is no where NEAR remorse. She is still feeling sorry for herself and trying to highlight her reasons for cheating. Divorce is the only healthy option you have with a wayward spouse like that. Maybe she will get it one day in the future but you don't have to be tortured by her continued selfish choices while she figures it out. Like everyone has said, if she is truly remorseful, she can give you the amicable divorce you're asking for and stop pushing only for what she wants.

You will now see what happens when cheaters lose control of the situation.

They accuse. They blameshift. They get angry.

None of us here are perfect spouses. But whatever our faults are we did nothing to cause someone to cheat on us.

We the betrayed HAVE TO stop 🛑 listening to the crap the cheaters tell us to justify cheating or having an affair. That’s another way of beating us down and being manipulative.

Enjoy your time away.

I'm wondering if the OBS is the brains of the outfit in her marriage, and that maybe she holds the purse strings.

You will now see what happens when cheaters lose control of the situation.

They accuse. They blameshift. They get angry.

We have a winner!!! My ExW was this way after Dday and and the following 4 years of trying R, and still this way a year after divorce.

Best part is, I no longer feel like I have to be the one who keeps the peace.

I gotta admit that huge part of me is wondering why I couldn’t forgive her why can’t I be like the old man from the church Whose wife betrayal was 10 times worse.

Who knows, maybe you can. But this is still so new that you really need a lot of time to let all this continue to settle out in your mind and in your heart. For now, have a peaceful time on your travels. I mean, I know all this will dominate your thoughts and all, but time away can be so helpful to put things in place.

I wish you well.

Funny part is her POS husband is acting jealous that she in contact with me and accusing her of cheating With me WTF?? He is been cheating all his life and now acting like MR .Good morals .

You have to remember that the POS is not some powerful, confident, rich player. He is in reality a coward.....and he knows it. That is why he is paranoid; that is why he tries to bully his wife around; that is why he pursues married women--because he thinks it will somehow increase his 'manhood' by 'taking' something that isn't his. When the fact is that he is showing the very same cowardice that he is trying to hide.

Hey AH. I'm glad you started a second thread. I don't think you should feel guilty about not being like that couple from church who worked it out. Firstly, most couples don't work it out. The vast majority divorce. The rest are not a homogeneous group consisting of happy couples who have created stronger and better marriages. They sit along a spectrum. I'm in my 50's and have seen enough to know that people say a lot of shit. They lie to others and to themselves. I am also a recovering evangelical, although I still keep the faith, and am very, very familiar with the intense pressure to conform to ideals within the church. I once saw an incredible man rejected as a church elder because he smoked. C.S. Lewis and John Wesley smoked. This older man might have felt the pressure to "forgive" not for his sake, but the sake of the collective. He may have sacrificed his life and happiness for all we know, and in that secret place when he lays awake at night, only then can he see it. Who knows. Point is, none of us do.

I am in the D camp due to my own experiences. I applaud those who can truly reconcile it I think true R happens in rare circumstances with truly remorseful partners. These are people of good character who have left the path and, like the prodigal son, fully embraced their sin, humbled themselves, and hoped to return, not to his former station, but to a much lesser life of a proverbial stable hand, something he was thrilled to get. You'll remember that the returning son got a party, but no second inheritance.

I don't think your WW is R material at this point. She might be in the future just as she might not. But you can't plan your life around what might happen. You need to look at what actually is. The whole purpose of this site is to survive infidelity, however that looks to each person. It is not called enduring infidelity for a reason. As I read your posts early on, I knew what your ultimate decision would most likely be and when you finally settled on it, I saw a shift in tone from you. You took your power back and you were back at the helm of your narrative. It non linear though, as it is for all of us. Be strong, stay the course. Font alter it for a temporary change in your situation from your WW. She will try everything in her toolbox to change your resolve. Why? Because it has always worked before. Remember, this is helping her as well, making her become a safe partner for someone in the future by rewiring her behaviors and attitudes. It's like correcting a spoiled child. That future partner might be you or not. It will only be you if she proves herself worthy. If not, you need to embrace a new and more authentic journey in your future. Be strong my friend. You can and will do this...

Edited to fix three words. I hate my fat thumbs...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 10:02 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

I’m glad you are not prioritizing work anymore.”

And with one sentence.....everything she said previously about moving mountains is vaporized.

Solipsism at its best.

New betrayed husband Part 1:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=647668&AP=1

"I gotta admit that huge part of me is wondering why I couldn’t forgive her why can’t I be like the old man from the church Whose wife betrayal was 10 times worse. Behind the front face I’m showing there is a man who can’t help but wonder what he did wrong during his marriage, I can’t hide that part of me wishes that I had spent more time with my wife and kids,, maybe I should have considered MC few years ago. And yes while I’m rejecting her and distancing myself I still want her and wish to be intimate with her."

Because you are you. That's it. Nothing more. On the other hand, it might be beneficial to take a look at this in the future, after you gain more footing. You may learn something about yourself, and character. Maybe good, maybe not as good.

“I’m glad you are not prioritizing work anymore.”

I wouldn't take that too personally, or read too much into it. And there is likely some truth underneath it too. If you don't see it already, you are going to have a lot of work (through self-reflection, reading, therapy maybe) coming soon. Not that you wanted to (but that you're going to have to go through anyway) because of the situation in which you were placed. Just another thing to consider reviewing in the future for your own growth.

I gotta admit that huge part of me is wondering why I couldn’t forgive her why can’t I be like the old man from the church Whose wife betrayal was 10 times worse.

1.To start with, try to think about forgiveness as a completely separate thing from R or D. This has really helped me come to a place of forgiveness for my WW. Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as R, and R is not a prerequisite for forgiveness. You can forgive and stay. You can forgive and divorce. I’m willing to bet you will find forgiveness a lot faster by divorcing her but I could be wrong.

2. I have a secret for you: of course you did things wrong in your marriage, everyone does. Marriages are long journeys with lots of peaks and valleys and two imperfect people moving through life. Infidelity happens in good marriages all the time that a wayward spouse took for granted. In fact it’s a safe bet that infidelity happens more in good marriages than in bad marriages bc the majority of marriages aren’t bad ones. You know what else? I know for a fact that you never betrayed your wife and ripped her heart out and left it on the sidewalk. You never screwed another woman behind her back and then joked about it. You never conspired with another woman to leave your wife. You didn’t lie to her face a thousandfold times for more than 700 days. Those are some things I know about you for sure.

3. With that one snide aside about your prioritizing work, your WW dug her hole 10,000 feet deeper. It was fake sincerity mixed with self pity and DARVO all in one line. Look up DARVO. Also it clearly suggests she has no appreciation at all for the long hours you spent building a successful business for your family and for her. None.

4. You have no idea about the truth about that old man and neither do I. He could be perfectly happy or trapped in a nightmare and only saying those things publicly to make himself fee better. We just don’t know and it doesn’t matter, because his experience doesn’t invalidate yours.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:12 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

Your WW finally figured out her POS BF was just using her. WOW. Now she figured out, That you are better then nothing. You are plan B or C.

She trying to get back in your good side, Not because she knows she was wrong. Buy because you are a pay check, you take care of her, the home , the car, the kids. Without you, she may have to have to actually do some heavy lifting.

Also gives her time to find the her next BF,

The BF she now knows how to cover her tracks much better.

Behind the front face I’m showing there is a man who can’t help but wonder what he did wrong during his marriage, I can’t hide that part of me wishes that I had spent more time with my wife and kids,, maybe I should have considered MC few years ago. And yes while I’m rejecting her and distancing myself I still want her and wish to be intimate with her.

We all go through the phase of feeling guilt for failing the marriage. But that stuff is shared 50/50. She by no means was perfect. Clearly, not by a long shot.

Forgive yourself a lot, AH.

Her continued lack of remorse is not a surprise. Which should help the D process feel appropriate.

Your heart is still trying to catch up with your head. You'll get there.

Hi AH

She texted later wishing me a nice trip but at the same time she just couldn’t stop giving hints of blame-shifting saying “ I’m glad you are not prioritizing work anymore.”

You are a better man than me. I don't think I could have left that underhanded cut go. I could think of 100 shitty responses back to her. She really needs to learn when to shut up.

Truth is, your not going to be prioritizing Ireland anymore. Prioritize YOU AH.

Have a great trip, glad to hear your youngest son is going along. Careful with him, his world is blowing up too.

Noone is beyond redemption as a person your wife has alot of work to do but hopefully a few years from now she will be a person she can be proud of .

Anytime you feel you should be a bigger man remember that she already does not deserve you and if you were any better she would deserve you even less. Staying married to her would be an insult to justice and therefore God.

Stay angry till the divorce please and after that forgive her with all your heart

To fuel your anger remind yourself why are shallow words of remorse in her mouth today ? Was it

1. Her love for you

2. Her love for Jesus

3. Jenny

Also please be careful with the OBs , she has been your best friend but if you get mixed up in her revenge plans against her husband that might be a very expensive mistake . Clearly she is a gladiator and I wish her even more strength.