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Last May it was made known to me that several " sex videos" with my wife in them we're on various web sites. Wife said it was not her. Bad thing is she was wearing one of my t-shirts ( Grape Ape). Let it rest until I had enough courage to have the video ran through video forensics.

Voice, face and birth mark 100% match. The date on the video was three months before we got married in 1999.

The company that did it for me also said it wasn't some "dude" with a camera but a professional filming based on the light halos on the wall from three extra lights.

At this point I don't trust her nor do I know what to do.

Any thoughts?

Has she been confronted with the proof?

Yes. Says it shouldn't matter as we were not married.

So she shows no remorse? That's not good. While it was 20 years ago for her, it was yesterday for you. If she can't empathize with you over this, is there even a reason to stay with her?

How was it “made known to you”?

I think it makes a difference how your relationship was pre marriage. If it was after your proposed and she said yes, that’s pretty unforgivable imo.

So she denies it. Then says that it shouldn't matter because you weren't married; but she's wearing your shirt in the video; so you two were apparently together. And she has no remorse and wants you to drop it because in her mind it doesn't matter. Wow.

If the relationship was heading toward marriage at the time, i.e. you were engaged or similar then I would probably be D'ing her a$$.

You're right not to trust her. She's not owning her sh*t. That's a problem regardless of whether you stay with her or not. She needs to own-up to what she did and she needs to come clean as to how long it was going on. If there are several vids then she must have been at it for a while. What do you want to do about this?

If it “didn’t matter because you weren’t married” (ha!), then why lie about it? Is it ok to lie to your spouse? If it didn’t matter, why didn’t you know about it until now — maybe because you wouldn’t have married her?

I'm sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place.

How can I say this gently...

SHE WAS WEARING YOUR SHIRT IN A PORNO!!!

Of course it MATTERS!

You two were obviously TOGETHER when she filmed the darn thing. Did she tell you then? Don't you think you have a right to know your GF is screwing on film for fun, money, or both?

Did she tell you she was in pornos BEFORE you put a ring on it? No? Don't you think that's information you had a right to know? What about risky behavior and STDs?

Why did she never tell you? Because she knew good and well it matters. You had the right to make an informed decision about your future wife, and she denied you that because she didn't tell you she was a semi-amateur porn star. Hell, for all you know, she could still be filming away. Hell, for all you know, you could be starring in a few, too.

Can you imagine the trauma of a teenager discovering his/her mom made pornos? Once it's on the internet it never goes away.

Run. Run away!

Welcome todl1964, and welcome. I'm glad that you were able to find us.

First off, just breathe. You absolutely do not have to do one darned thing right this very instant. You have 20 years invested into this marriage, and it's very understandable that you simply don't want to pull a trigger in the manner that you might, were this the month before your wedding, or a year into it. It's also very true that to you, this happened just yesterday. Your wounds from finding out this really large hideous secret are raw and open. Your WW (Wayward Wife, one who strays) has had 20+ years to come to terms with this secret. You are in the early days and it's a gut wrenching shocker of a secret to have come out.

What were your circumstances when the video was made? Had you made the commitment to be exclusive with each other? Were you both still dating others? I take it that you had NO idea whatsoever that your WW was involved with this film making when you became engaged. While I render no judgement on what her profession involved, it's my personal opinion that when you become seriously involved, exclusive, moving towards marriage, that anything of a nature that might be an embarrassment or that would impact later life should be fully disclosed before marriage. This obviously didn't happen to you.

It's troubling that your WW essentially forced you to have a video expert take apart her video before she would even admit to it, and then minimized your hurt. A remorseful or empathetic spouse would have given you support. One who truly felt that she had absolutely nothing to hide nor apologize for, would have admitted to the video upon your first confrontation. Not good signs.

Please do some reading. Take a look at The Healing Library. That link is found in the yellow box in the upper left of your screen, by Dr. Phil. Loads of good information there written by experts. The abbreviations that we use are located there as well. And keep posting for support and to tell your story. The more that we know, the better we can tailor advice.

Again, you don't have to make one move before you're ready to. Read, post, and watch your WWs actions. Words mean very little right now. And resolve that you will not live in limbo forever.

Three weeks ago she put a deposit on an apartment. She is giving me the house and half of all investment and retirement accounts. Just walking away. Told me that 75% of the reason is that I brought up the video over a year ago. My sister told me she wouldn't do this unless there was someone else. That thought crossed my mind. I guess I kept thinking it was not happening.

Your sister is very likely right. There probably is someone else in the picture right now. We often read about this in each other's stories. Cheating behavior is very predictable. It's like they follow a specific cheaters script for one night stands (ONS), long term affairs (LTA), serial cheaters (She may have been cheating on you with multiple people throughout the marriage), walk away wives, and exit affairs.

Are there any kids in the marriage?

Three weeks ago she put a deposit on an apartment. She is giving me the house and half of all investment and retirement accounts. Just walking away. Told me that 75% of the reason is that I brought up the video over a year ago. My sister told me she wouldn't do this unless there was someone else. That thought crossed my mind. I guess I kept thinking it was not happening.

Get on your knees and thank almighty God that you have gotten away from this creature so quickly. In the long run, bullet dodged....

So she was a porn actress when you were engaged to her. In the day planning the wedding and in the evening doing swallowing loads from different man. You found out, she denies and now runs away blaming you that you found her vid. She is mad at you that you found out her secret. But it is no secret, maybe the neighbour teen boy also has seen the vid and mastrubated several times on it. Are there children? You're wife is obvious no marriage material and you probably can be sure she didn't stop her porn career when you were married.

Sorry, I do not feel I had enough information to suggest the action deleanated. I require more information from the BS.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:32 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]

Todd1964,

I am sorry for the pain and trauma that the actions of your wife has caused. She is abandoning you. You have recently discovered that just prior to your marriage your wife was making porn videos. During discovery of the videos, your wife repeatedly lied and denied her behavior from 20 years ago. She then tried to minimize her actions by stating that you were not married at the time. Your sister has suggested to you that your wife may have committed adultery is the real reason she is leaving and getting a divorce.

Please take care of your health. You have a lot going on.

In order to assist you, I have a few questions to ask:

1) Is your marriage over? Will your wife end it or is the discoveries such that you are no longer able to be married to her?

2) What is your desire at this point? Do you wish to reconcile with your wife or do you wish to divorce?

3) During the time your wife was making the porn videos were you in an exclusive monogamous relationship?

4) Is there additional evidence that your wife is currently cheating?

5) Has she stated the other 25% of the reason she is leaving?

Your response to these questions will assist in formulating a plan of action and recommendations for you to consider in moving forward.

I am sorry that we have the need to meet. But, I am glad you have found us.

Todd, sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult.

Your WW kept this secret for 20 years. She had plenty of opportunities to tell you about it. She lied to you for a long time.

I'm also guessing that you were in a relationship for some time before your M, probably more than 3 months. So it seems that she was cheating, whether she was married or not.

Your wife's reaction to this says a lot about how she feels about you. She was likely embarrassed, which is understandable, but she seems to have had no consideration at all for your feelings.

I am not sure the marriage is over.

I wish to stay married as we have three children.

We we're in exclusive relationship as we were ingaged.

As far as other evidence. We have not been intimate in over a year. No kissing, hugging or anything. She has had an desire to work out, buy new clothes and lots of make up and matching under garments. Changed the password to her phone and when my brother passed away a few weeks ago from cancer showed me no compassion at all. She seems disconnected. My sister gave me some hard truth last night. She believes she is having an office romance and more than likely was given the ( him or me choice.

The place in Detroit that did the forensics pulled out the audio from the video. You could hear someone say " this is good" The audio was so good you could hear the "wet intercourse sounds". They said you don't get that with a regular camera.

The other 25% was stress from work, stress from her master's classes and the house is to much for her.

My sister says I should file as soon as she leaves in order to protect myself.

Listen to your sister. She knows what she's talking about.

Please listen to your sister. She can see what you cannot see in your situation. We can tell by how you describe your situation right now -

As far as other evidence. We have not been intimate in over a year. No kissing, hugging or anything. She has had an desire to work out, buy new clothes and lots of make up and matching under garments. Changed the password to her phone and when my brother passed away a few weeks ago from cancer showed me no compassion at all. She seems disconnected.

ALL of these hit top 10 clear signs your spouse is cheating. And that even includes things like a death in the family, whether it be her side or your side of the family, that has been noted in a LOT of our own stories. Something about recent deaths make them ponder their own mortality I guess and ponder the "what if's". What is clear is that if she is working out, getting new clothes, matching undergarments, withholding intimacy from you because she is doing these things for someone else. She probably used to do all this for you when you two first dated, right? So you are seeing the same behavior but this time as an observer and not a participant. MOST IMPORTANT CLEAR SIGN OF ALL IS SHE PASSWORD PROTECTS HER PHONE.

You have kids in the mix. You need an attorney right now to help you come up with an action plan along with your plan to get out of infidelity. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE SEEING AN ATTORNEY. If money is an issue there are attorneys who will give free 30 minute initial consults. Whatever you do, get ahead of this on the legal side of things for you AND your three kids' sake. Get your ducks in a row ASAP. The man who has all of his bases covered early in his own situation is the one who is going to end up with much of the leverage and the power to choose how he wants to conclude the relationship after the affair is exposed.

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:02 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]