SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A few days ago, the first time me and BS actually just hung out since we separated we were both very turned on. Anything I did was getting him going. Like literally me just sitting next to him.

I was wary and scared. Because he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to reconcile or not so my instinct was to set boundaries. Too give him his space and so I or we won’t get lost in the possibility of rugsweeping. I asked him if it would make him feel different if we were intimate and he said he didn’t know.

To, in a way, take the pressure off I told him it was okay if it didn’t. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said “yes but I’m scared I can’t be.” I said okay.

I kissed him and he returned the kiss with more passion than we’ve had in a long time. Since maybe DDay 6 months ago.

One thing lead to another. We went to bed.

The next day I left for work and when I got home he was still there. He was still really flirty. After some time I asked him if he felt different and he said no, and I said okay. And I kept things normal and light to again not pressure him. I told him that it’s pribably something that shouldn’t happen again and he nodded and said “I know”. And that was that.

Few questions:

Was this hysterical bonding?

I know many talk about how hysterical bonding got the ball rolling for R, but this still feels very misleading.

Was stopping it wrong?

I’m not sure. I’m still very attracted to him and in my moments of weakness” ,I guess, I fantasize about him. My therapist said it was good that I set boundaries but I’m just confused by the whole thing.

Sounds like HB to me.

A boundary is not having an affair.

Still married, separated is not divorced.

D day was six months ago and recovery is a two to

five year process and you want a commitment from

your BH?

Your BH does not know if he is coming or going

because your affair has he mind so confused.

HB has helped many people heal. Unless you have

decided to divorce your BH I say go and HB all you

want. How to heal when refusing the medicine?

I’ll be completely honest here. HB did me happened a week after Dday. I’m not so sure about 6 months after but others should know more about that than me

I will say that if my wh showed me in anyway that he thiughtnhaving swx with me wasn’t a good idea after dday for any reason other than if I had said I couldn’t don’t with him because of the betrayal? I think it would have solidified my thought that he no longer wanted me.

What I needed to see was his passion for me. I needed to see that he wanted me and only me. I needed to see his need for just me. HB helped us in that regard.

I would do what he wants, at his pace.

It's only rug sweeping if you use HB as an excuse to stop the work you are doing on yourself and the work you are doing on making sure your husband feels safe and secure in your relationship.

HB can be a great way to heal the massive emaculation your husband surely feels. He feels like a total dink.... a loser who couldn't even sexually please his wife so she went elsewhere to get pleasure. Even if that's not true that's at least a little of what he feels.

HB won't heal your marriage .... at least not that alone, but it will help heal HIM. It will give some of that manly pride you ripped away back to him. Men need pride and confidence like we need air. Without pride and confidence we are nothing.

Help give him his pride and confidence as a sexual being back. Just don't use sex as bait to lure him into the idea he MUST take you back because of it.

I mean is it really SOOO bad to have sex with your husband even if it doesn't have the gauruntee of assuring he gives YOU what YOU want?

The operative word here is 'hysterical.' (An uncontrollable emotional state). I was run over by a very large freight train of hysterical bonding. My fww, I suppose, took it for all it was worth. I suggest you do the same. If you love your BH and want to save your marriage, you're going to have to join him as he wanders, cluelessly, hysterically, through the shit storm in which he now finds himself. When he goes down that rabbit hole, as we all do, hold his hand. When HB hits, see where it takes him, and you. And when the rage hits, as it surely will, endure it as well as you can, within reason. Most betrayed spouses will become unhinged (some more than others). My fww did her best to be there for me through it all. She endured the rollercoaster with as much grace and fortitude as she could possibly muster. Had she not done that, I think we'd be divorced.

It sounds like you are trying to protect yourself. Why should your BH sacrifice his safety and risk being hurt again if you're not willing to? If he wants to - and you want to...you're both adults and married...why not see if HB will help?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:43 AM, April 1st (Sunday)]

Hysterical bonding may be the cause, it could just be sex. Think of it this way, you have your reasons for your A, regardless he's going to feel like second place, like you chose someone over him, lowest place on the proverbial totem pole. Sex can make him feel connected to you, the past, the history of what you used to be. It can be territorial, it can be a deeply personal experience or it could just be sex with someone he enjoys having sex with.

Your posts all seem to be focused on finding the logical explanation for hais actions and comments. In my opinion, that search is going to bring you nothing but hurt and frustration.

As a BS, my HB kicked in 1 week after dday (while WH and I were on the phone conspiring to tell the AP's significant other - which we never did).

y WH was staying in a hotel, so I showed up (little blue pill in hand), and said that it didn't change anything, and I may have to stop at any minute, I may end up crying like a baby, or screaming.... but that if he was game, so was I.

He hesitated - and my heart dropped... then he said yes.

If my WH had said "no", we'd be in divorce court right now.

I agree with Adotta and the other posts.

BUT - it's important to recognize that HB doesn't really change anything. It's an OPPORTUNITY to help in the healing process (for both of you).

It does not heal a BS

It does not mean the marriage is ok

It does not mean your BH is ok or "over it" or forgives you or anything like that

It can stop just as quickly as it began

it's an opportunity to help; and I suspect that refusing that opportunity (like refusing ANY opportunity to help heal) will be a big red flag to the BH, and make things worse.

Thank you all for the replies. I’ll defintely keep that in mind.

In my thinking I thought it would hinder his healing not help it. So I’m glad I have all of you who have been through it.

I understand it’s an opportunity not a guarantee.

I’m detailed about the things he says and does because I have never been in this situation ever before. I’d rather ask and be safe then say rondo something stupid. I’m learning as I go.

Asking about his actions has been actually helping me understand and feel his pain. Thank you all.

As a recently betrayed spouse, I just want to chime in. It really irks me when my WH focuses on what I'm feeling/why. I'd rather he put his energy into figuring himself out. It's like... I'm over here, waiting for time to help me. All I need from him is to be honest and consistent and striving to be better.

So, I guess I would say focus on you and what you need to change, and let him go through the motions and decide for himself what he needs. It rubbed be the wrong way that you thought you were in a position to lay a boundary down. We're drowning and our agency was taken for us. The best thing you can do is focus on what you need to do to be a safe partner and let us make our own choices.

BH here. My WW offered me HB. She was desperate to try to win me back, and read that HB was a thing some couples had success with reconnecting. She tried for awhile to get me to have sex with her, but I wasn't interested. I thought it was a way of showing weakness. Plus I was trying to punish her. Having sex also went against my natural instinct, which was to detach from her entirely.

So while I thought withholding sex was some sort of power play, it really wasn't. All it really got me was an entire year without sex! Wouldn't recommend that! My advice is that if it feels right, or even if it sometimes doesn't, you should just go with it. I should have just taken the sex... it couldn't have been a bad thing!

I can't speak for the men (BH or WH), but when it hit me, it HIT me.... like a dog in heat

No other way to describe it - I worried I would start dry humping a tree or something

Gmc94- me too. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I couldn’t get enough sex. As soon as we were done, I wanted more. I probably could have had sex all day, everyday if wh was able to.

Like GMc94 it felt like something that was hard to control (I mean I clearly could have said yes or no if I had wanted to) but I wanted it even though I still couldn't get my head around what had happened. It was this powerful desperate desire unlike ANYTHING I have ever experienced. ' An uncontrollable emotional state' is a good description. It wasn't something I was forcing or something I decided to do. It just happened. I wanted it 24/7 for like 3 months. Like I was reclaiming my ground or something. It was very confusing mentally during the day when he was at work. But seriously it's the only sex since DDay where I have not been plagued by mind movies and negative thoughts during the act. It felt like I was on some kind of drugs that kept me in the moment and focused (but I wasn't). Very intense. I kindof wish I was like that again. Now we're 'good' but I am wracked with triggers.

Just be aware that yes it is a positive thing for reconciliation but it in no way means things are forgiven or don't need talking about. There's a chance your BS will have very conflicting emotions about HB if that is what he is experiencing.

We had HB and it was great. Thing is neither of us knew it was HB and we were both sad when it ended. It only lasted 6 months.