SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently (suspected for a couple months and putting pieces together, confirmed last week) found my wife has been having an affair for the last 6 months (she claims). I don't have reason to doubt her as she has been honest and open about details that I could confirm as well as details that nobody would want to share.

Overall, I think we are both willing to work hard on reconciliation (1 child [10], I still love her and she says she still loves me). I have asked many questions, one of which I now regret. I asked if she had had sex with him in our house (yes). I followed up with "in our bed?". (again, yes)

I consider this such a disrespectful act that I am not sure that I'll ever get over it. She brought him into our house, into our bedroom and had sex with him on our bed underneath 4 large pictures of us on our wedding day (12 years ago) as well as pictures of our family on each nightstand.

I feel as if she must have had such contempt (or at least complete lack of respect) for me, and such a lack of respect for our vows, that I'll never get past this. To be clear, the whole thing is like a gut punch and many aspects are extremely troubling (international vacations with him [with work as the cover], involved him in our child's life, many hours "at work" and away from the family, unprotected sex, so many lies). It is this one action that is the ultimate insult to me though. I have tried to temper the insult to my pride because I feel it is unproductive and ultimately can be overcome, but this seems to go beyond that. Am I making more of this than I should?

holy hell no. can you guys move?

You are not making more of this than you should. Your reaction is completely normal. You are completely normal. It was disrespectful. My WH and the OP had sex on the couch in full view of our wedding photos and next to our son's toy box. It's horrible. The whole thing is just horrible and there is no excuse or getting around it.

You've only just confirmed the A - you have a very long road ahead of you. Right now you're probably in shock - this is a trauma. But it is good to know that right now, in this moment, you are willing to work hard on reconciliation. My only advice would be to always cut yourself some slack. Practice self-compassion and be kind to yourself. All of your feelings about the lack of respect and what you will and will not be able to get past (and this will change as time goes on), they are all valid. You are valid and your feelings are valid.

You're in for a long hard road, but try to always remember that you are good enough, and you always were good enough. I wish you peace.

I would suggest asking to have this thread moved to the “Just Found Out” area. I think you’ll get more directed help there.

Perhaps, but I'm more interested in the responses of people who have reconciled or are trying to. As in, does this specific act (or something similar) subside.

To the suggestion above (can you move?) , I am seriously considering that if we're able to get through this.

You need to burn that bed.

Honestly, not sure this is something I could get over. Betrayal is one thing - this seems like a total violation of your relationship. How did she think this would be okay?

I guess my suggestion would be to change the room completely. You have to get rid of that bed. Every time you look at it, lay in it - it just must be such a horrible reminder.

There is no way that I would live anywhere that my WW had sex with her AP. This is just too flagrant a profane gesture towards you and your marriage.

The bed goes to the dump. The house goes up for sale.

I understand why the post is in R. Getting rid of the bed or moving might help. I have not yet gotten rid of the couch or moved, but I wish I could.

I'm 5 months out from DDay1 and 3 weeks out from DDay2.

All I can say to you is that the bed/photos are not the last thing that you will think you can't get past. There will be many more things that come up as time goes on, so be prepared. Speaking more broadly, the disrespect in general is not something that I have gotten past yet - but perhaps more long term R's can speak to that.

In a way, I wonder what we really mean when we say "get past" something. Do we really want to get past the disrespect that we experience? Because there is no getting around that it was disrespect, and no amount of R will suddenly erase the fact that disrespect happened. It will always be there in the past.

OR do we mean - can we rebuild a new marriage IN SPITE of the disrespect? And that is not something that anyone can answer for you. Everyone's experience - their marriage, their WS, their A's, and their R's, are completely different. It's your journey and your journey alone.

I recommend not wondering if you'll be able to do something in the future and just focus on what you can do right now. Is the possibility of a new marriage enough for you to live with the fact that disrespect happened for now? Just stay in the moment. You'll know when you've had enough.

I'm terrible at following threads I didn't start so please feel free to PM me if you want to talk further.

has she stopped all contact?

have you informed the AP's spouse?

If she is still working with him, she needs to get a new job.

having sex with him in your bed is a real f**K you signal from your wife to you.

She must be very resentful of you for something.

how would she feel if you had an A?

Hell no you are not overreacting. Although my WW didn't shit on our marital bed, she did things with her AP that I still can't believe. I'm at 2.5 years from Dday and these images still haunt me, as do the mind movies. I agree with others, have her get rid of that bed and anything else that triggers you. She should be the one to do this, not you. She needs to show you she understands and takes the lead on these things.

Your reaction is absolutely spot on. This is so disrespectful to you. If you don’t want to move, tell her it’s her job to get rid of the bed, and also take down the wedding pictures as well. You redecorate the bedroom as you like. If you are to successfully reconcile, you need to build a new relationship with your WW, and getting rid of the painful reminders of the old marriage that she destroyed will help you get past this in the future.

People tend to drive themselves crazy when they get caught up in notions of "respect". I recommend trying to think in alternative terms, or you will remain hung up on one thing or another. Having sex with another man was a bigger "disrespect" than anything, regardless of location. But thinking in those terms will get you nowhere. Imagine someone cuts you off on the highway. You might call him an asshole, and be annoyed. But if you interpret it as a sign of disrespect... suddenly you are on the path to road rage.

THAT SAID, the bed and the pictures and the room and possibly the house itself are huge triggers, and you should get rid of everything. Maybe change rooms if you have to. Definitely re-furnish and re-paint at a minimum.

It's extremely unfortunate that you have been subjected to perhaps the greatest pain known to man. Betrayal pain tops the list for many. Add in the disrespect factor related to her bringing infidelity into the sacred confines of your home and bedroom, and I would imagine your world has turned on its head. This is horrific and devastating, plain and simple.

Just a couple responses to your comments.

I don't have reason to doubt her as she has been honest and open about details that I could confirm as well as details that nobody would want to share.

1) Don't assume her detailed disclosure removes the possibility of there being more to her affair than what she's letting on. Damage control (controlling what you know) is the first instinctive, but calculating decision made by the wayward spouse (WS). Often, what appears to be transparent disclosure is actually intended to act as a smokescreen to satisfy you into thinking full disclosure has been made, when in fact there's much more. Remember, preservation of character, reducing her shame and furthering the deceit is the objective, despite the sincerity of words coming from her mouth . The affair coming to light doesn't end the deceit or the affair coming to an end. It just that the exposure places the affair in a different category. It's important to remember (or come to the conclusion) that your wife's current character is decidedly different than the one you knew (or thought you knew) before the infidelity so you have to come to this realization, and thee faster you do the better off you will be. Many BS find this hard to accept, but your ability to, will impact how quickly you can recover and begin making real decisions concerning the future of your marriage.

Overall, I think we are both willing to work hard on reconciliation

2) Whether you "think" or you "know" about her willingness to reconcile carries a distinct difference and your ability to decipher the difference will be critical. Don't see what you want to see. See what her actions tell you. Only her actions are meaningful, not her words. Despite this however, you should hold off on the reconciling decision until you have recovered yourself and regained some equilibrium emotionally by getting independent counseling to sort through this trauma you're enduring. It's not until you are healed properly can you begin to assess your situation clearly. Additionally, your wife has to clearly demonstrate remorse before either of you can even contemplate reconciliation. She too must obtain counseling to get to the root of her indiscretions.

Lastly, everyone's different. Some think they can get past it and find out later they can't. Some don't think they can get past it only to come around later. For me, it was a deal breaker from day one and true enough, our deal was broke. My problem was I was impacted by my wayward's cries and pleas to stay with her and stayed with her initially not wanting to see her hurt and saddened. I mistakenly stayed around and misled her for nine months and inadvertently dragged her through the same hurt and pain she dragged me through. In retrospect, I should have ended it immediately as I knew the damage was irreparable.

You are not overreacting. That was a really disrespectful thing to do.

Many people in your situation get rid of the bedroom furniture and remodel the room, some do move. I would probably have to move. The OW was in my husband's Jeep one time and I still think of it every time I get in it, nearly eight years later. I'll not miss that vehicle in the least. I was hoping it would die by now and we'd have a new car but no such luck.

Good luck. This is really hard.

Google "New York Times article Don't do this at home". the article was a few years ago but is about a wayward spouse bringing his/her lover to the marital bed. It is excellent in not only telling you that you are normal feeling as you do but also in going through the psychological implications of such an act and the emotional effects on the BS. I suggest you consider giving your WW a copy so that perhaps she can get at least a little grasp on the impact of that single action.

Yes, you can R IF you really want to badly enough and IF she works really, truly hard at helping you. You will never forget what she did, but it is possible, not at all easy but possible, to put it in the past eventually. Not quickly and not easily, but it can be done. That is a decision that only you can make. Mine did it also and for her and her AP it was the regular place to get together during daytime meet-ups (they used the house of AP's friend for evening get togethers).

The amazing thing is that mine didn't even see the significance or "our bed". on DDay when I asked where this happened it was "in our house". Where in our house. I got a look like "are you stupid or something" followed by "in the bed". I said "our bed?" in a choking voice and only then did the significance start to hit her. That is why I think the newspaper article might help her to grasp just what you are dealing with on that particular aspect of her A.

I do think that my path was easier than yours because I didn't find out until 5 years after it ended and by then we had been living in a new house for 3 years and with a different bed.

The question is what is she doing to make this right by you? How is she treating you like a king now? How remorseful is she? What responsibility is she taking in all this?

My WW brought OM to my house and had sex in the guest BR multiple times. They also played house and cooked meals and OM would do the dishes.

I'm meeting with a realtor next week. Selling the house and keeping all proceeds. My safe place is now a trigger.

That is a hard one. My wife never did that one, thank God. I would take that bed out in the back yard (if it is wood) and burn it, with my wife watching the entire time. I will explain to her why. I would even make her participate in the burning of the bed. And then I would make her clean the ashes.

You probably can't burn the mattress but I would make her take it to the dump. If it is a medal bed, then it too goes to the dump. But I would make her do it. If she refuses, then we would have to consider divorce. That is how bad her having sex in your bed is.

My wife did have sex in our house in the guess room. It's a workout room now. All of that furniture is gone replaced with exercise equipment. If I could have moved I would have but surprisingly, I was able to get over that pretty well. Never think about them in my home anymore. I think getting rid of the bed helped big time. I wished I had burned it though.

My H compartmentalized his affair life from our life. So no visits to our home or hometown. I am sure that separation of "lives" has helped me move forward as I have. And even without bringing them here, his A WERE a huge "fuck you Psych " . If he'd brought any of the 3 here, I know I'd be triggering all over the place.

Sell the bed and anything else that reminds you of his presence if you believe it might help. I do think starting with as clean of a slate as possible is the best way to begin this process. And do be sure it's all in the past, everyone who should know about her cheating ways is informed to make this REAL to her, and that she's truly remorseful. Only then does R have a chance of success.

We are 5 months past now and honestly he never brought her here but I just couldn't get over it. We ended up buying a new bed, sheets, blankets Whole Nine Yards. We repainted the room, rearranged it, changed out the pictures and repainted the furniture. It looks like a completely different room. Honestly I guess I wanted to change because that's where all the nasty details came out that's the only place we have to talk where the kids can't hear us. We also cannot afford to move so we're making the best of it. Not sure if that would help you any but it's worth a try. It's all I had at the time.