SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a MH/BS. I suspected my wife's affair and ultimately needed to great lengths to uncover it. I loved her so much, I thought we were in a good/functional marriage. We have a two-year-old as well. I was wrong...

She cheated with a Coworker. She began breaking relationship boundaries early last year and she admitted that she was in a full-fledged affair by the summer. She introduced me to him during the affair to lessen my suspicions of him and her coworkers' suspicions of them having an affair. I spent nearly 20+ minutes talking to this moron.

I found out she had sex with me hours after having sex with him. She proposed having sex with me on the majority of her encounters but it happened once afaik. It really makes me sick and it's so out of character for her. The affair, the behavior, all of it. Four months after D-day she finally came completely clean about everything and it needed to be dragged out. Prior to then, not a single detail was volunteered. I insisted to know one detail that I didn't drag from her and she told me they "joked" about having a kid together. We were planning to work on having our second around now. It's been 5.5 Months since DDay and I've had two additional traumatic reveals since.

She can't express herself well. After I discovered her affair she later admitted she had seen him several times at work and they were hugging, kissing, no sex though. She claims she needed this because she couldn't handle me and my emotions. She didn't feel loved and he is all she had. That went on for two months after D-day and ended once I told the other guy's wife. I had an affair in that period as well. I told her about it. It was a revenge affair but I did end up in a relationship with my AP.

I want to fix our marriage but it seems like it's too broken to fix. I feel like it could have been weak and thin before but it's hard to evaluate given the recent experience of the affair.

She's been a terrible caretaker of my emotions. She tried to rush me to a decision to stay or go. She couldn't deal with working it out. She habitually becomes annoyed no matter what I express, sadness, anger, etc...

Every time we spend some time together I withdraw, remind myself of all the terrible things she did and it makes me sad, angry, anxious. I trusted her implicitly and I just can't bring myself to do it now. The smallest things trigger me, it's not even really avoidable for her. Anytime we're the slightest bit close it's followed by my mind sabotaging by reminding me of all the terrible things. We sleep separately. I'm most comfortable living here, with her at arms distance so I can be around our daughter but not be too attached to her. I'm very physically attracted to her, we don't have sex though. I've been back and forth on staying/leaving remaining married or divorcing.

Has anyone gotten through the horror of an extended affair and manage to repair their marriage for the better?

This sounds very familiar. What was your wife's reaction to your RA?

I wasn't afforded the chance to R and I'm very glad that I wasn't. My marriage now is leagues better than the one with my cheating Ex. Anyways, I have been here a few years so I can still speak from the experiences that I have seen.

First, it's very rare to come out with a better marriage. I'd put the chance of it happening at 2% and that's generous. I have seen more people claim their marriage is better and then soon after admit to lying and wanting to separate instead or still struggling. It is possible to have a better marriage post-A but it's very unlikely.

What matters most in the outcome of your marriage is how your WW is reacting. This:

She's been a terrible caretaker of my emotions. She tried to rush me to a decision to stay or go. She couldn't deal with working it out. She habitually becomes annoyed no matter what I express, sadness, anger, etc...

Means that your situation is headed for divorce even if you keep your head down and stay in the marriage. It takes years to move on from infidelity. Even if you do your absolute best to rugsweep and never bring it up, there will come a time when you just can't take it anymore. She may cheat again since she knows you're willing to take it. And when you do start showing your emotions, she will grow more and more angry. It's a ticking time bomb where in the end, one of you decides they can't do it anymore and starts to separate or divorce.

That doesn't mean that you have to see a lawyer and file right away. It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a consult in case you do want to file though. You can always give it one last "Come to Jesus" talk where you tell your WW that you refuse to stay with her while she acts like you're not justified in your pain and that it's all about her. Lay out a list of requirements (opening her phone, email, and social media accounts to you, go to IC, go to MC, read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and other books, act contrite and show remorse) and tell her you expect that she does them if she wants to stay married to you. If she won't, then you will want to get your ducks in a row and file first.

I'm not sure that my situation is close enough to yours for my answer to apply, but I'll give you a little history and where I'm at now if it'll help.

About 4 years ago I returned from a potentially dangerous overseas job in war warzone my wife encouraged me to take because it was lucrative and good for the old resume. I'd had suspicions before I left but at the time she had expressed unhappiness for years and I was working under the common lie 'happy wife happy life' and bending over backwards to try to make her happy. Wasn't exactly the ideal marriage.

Came back and after a few months in denial and ignorance I walked in on her having phone sex in the closet. Course I got the trickle truth on it was just phone sex, just one date nothing happened, to it was one kiss to it was sex one time. A polygraph threat, a keylogger, an emotional warfare campaign, a botched marriage counseling where she lied, and I filed for divorce. Two affair partners from ashley madison. One under the bus right away and the other tried to hide for a month after dday. Also I was going through a two month bender in a failed attempt to cope with the pain via alcohol.

Well, over the next year and a half or so she begged and pleaded and went to IC and signed a postnup, and.... Two small children and a state where I'd be paying alimony for the pleasure of being cheated on and lucky to get a 50/50 custody arrangement, and her coming from a household that likely meant she'd be mindfucking the kids to turn them against me led me to offer r.

I figured that the postnup nullified the spousal support and the chance of success---no matter how small---meant more time with the kids.

The pain within those first 3 years was hell. Severe hell moderate hell then slightly vacationing in hell with a holiday here or there in normalcy. But there was no guarantee I wouldn't be suffering if I had proceeded with the divorce. I understand that there is still alot of pain there. And conflict fighting over hours with the kids and who keeps the dogs and shit. Both routes are scary and painful. I just picked the one where I might see my kids more often.. and if r was successful great. If not, I wasn't worse off.

Now I'm about four years out and I'm glad I took this path. I would have been happy single too, I know that. Sometimes I get a wistful desire to call it quits just to be single. Other times I'm glad someone is there to pick up the slack when I'm too tired to cook dinner or help with homework. But overall l, I'm glad for the extra time with my boys. I'm glad I see them every day and taught my youngest to read. I'm glad they don't have some other dude saying to call him dad.

My relationship with my wife is a helleva lot more equitable now. More open. She's a whole lot more considerate.

Life is good. That doesn't mean great. It doesn't mean things weren't lost along the way or that if a time machine existed I wouldn't go back and execute things differently. Doesn't mean I'll be distraught if she gives up and wants a divorce. Doesn't mean I won't be hauling ass like a pirate from a raid if she cheats again.

Just means I'm in a good place, and I think our relationship is in a good place right now.

Does this help?

Happy we R.

Better M.

Reconciliation was a hard road at times but we always had good times in between the rough days or moments.

And he has been trying hard to make amends every day and it shows.

I know I am in the minority but we were lucky I gave him a third chance.

Your story is similar to mine. The AP was doing work on our home and after he began screwing her, she set up a meeting for him to pitch me a business proposition. It was a lot of money, and would have tied us to him for years

I could never forgive this. The thought of him shaking my hand while he was fu*king my wife, and the fact that she facilitated this is crushing to this day. I get that people have affairs because something empathy gene is missing and they have character flaws. But when they bring the AP into the marriage it is a special kind of sickness. This is not for them, it’s to humiliate the BS.

I also got the special sloppy seconds treatment. Again, not done for her, but done to me.

Even with that I stayed for 5 years. If I had young kids I might still be there. But it was never the same. And I had a wife who was snot nosed crying on the floor more times than I can count

Your WS just doesn’t seem invested. The fact she did these things, and still saw him and at 5h3 least made out, but most likely was still having sex is a killer. You are living separate lives. My suggestion is let her go. She will never be safe

Is she still working with him?

My friend I remember your threads.

This wasn't just an affair.

All of the devious shit she pulled was a BIG FU !!!!

What did his wife say when you exposed?

If yet still work together it's another FU.

Soory man, she put you in a horrible situation but you are the one keeping yourself there.

"Codependency No more"

Read it

Randy1133 - we barely spoke/speak of my affair. She has asked very little. Admittedly when I learned of painful details of her affair, which I asked for, I volunteered details which were hurtful for her to hear.

Notthevictim - I hear you. It sounds like you are getting to experience being a dad more than being a spouse in a relationship. That’s how it seems at least.

The1stwife - that sounds promising. Thank you

Waitedwaytoollong - reading your story evoked some difficult emotions. I’m sorry for what you’ve endured. I don’t know if my wife’s intent is to embarass me or something else. Frankly it’s taken a while to arrive at this but the intent sort of doesn’t matter. She did it. Either she was malicious or careless, one is only a little better than the other but neither is acceptable.

When I met the moron he told me how wonderful my wife thinks I am. She made us part of each other’s life. I provided fitness and diet tips for the guy. I think in a twisted way she was trying to make it “normal” by knowing each other. She shared more with him than me though.

After all this time she’s finally been interviewing. Apparently the guys department is being moved too. She just told me and showed me proof of this today. She’s been trying more effectively since December but it happened when I sort of checked out and stopped messaging her so much during the day. Still allowing myself to become close with her results in me emotionally reinjuring myself by reminding me of the worst parts. The worst over all being that I had to drag the truth from her kicking and screaming. Now she vows for full transparency. We had access to each other’s phones and email and had the gps tracker thing on. It did more bad than good. It became a crutch and a compulsion. We cut it out for over a month now. All of that was turned on and she was carrying on with him anyway so what good is it ?

It seems like so many people, at least here on the forums who reconcile seem to most often arrive at a lackluster marriage which seemingly takes an incredible amount of effort, pain and willingness. I’m straight up stuck. I guess that I just don’t want mediocre. Maybe I had mediocre before and now I want great.

I’m hoping to hear from couples who got to great. Even after the horror show of being involved in their spouses affairs.

My wife has always been thoughtful and caring. We don’t have much in common though. I have/had pet peeves and I feel so much less accepting of them. I’m still very attracted to her which creates lots of sexual frustration. I love our daughter and acting like a family together. Allowing her close now just hurts.

I admit this is disheartening to read. Most are saying R is not possible.

Marz - I too remember you well. I am genuinely curious about your story... the other guys wife was shocked and angry. A little at me and a little af him. She said that their sex life became on fire during the affair. That her husband was walking around like a cocky sob. She wanted details about what I knew. At that point I still didn’t know a lot. If we spoke today it’d be a different convo. She was sort of angry that I told her. She seemed like she wanted to live in ignorance. Her husband was a “better husband “ during the affair though.

I am. We do have a better relationship, better communication, etc. Not necessarily a better marriage.

We have a good life, fun, financial security, enjoy each others company, travel, etc.

But I'm forever changed, for both better and worse. That's residual effect.

Sorry you are here grappling with this unpleasantry. If you haven't already, check out the Men Only Time to Regain Respect for FWW thread in I Can Relate. LifeIsCrazy has a comment there that might give you a different perspective.

Our situations have quite a few similarities, except my WW is a more determined liar and isn't ever going to come clean about her A. I'll be honest, I don't know that I will ever feel like our M is repaired given any amount of time or effort. If not for DS still in HS, I'd be done. I've decided to give it that long to see if my feelings change, but I doubt it, though.

I will admit, we are in a very nice place now. Have been for some time. We enjoy each others company, are affectionate, have adult children that we focus on. In many ways, we would look like a successful R, and I suppose vs the alternative we are.

Having said that, if I knew what I would go through to get here, I feel pretty sure I wouldn't have stayed long enough to get where we are. The degree of happiness or contentment in our R has never been the positive counter equivalent to the level of debilitating pain of her A.

Why continue to stay? Because the alternative if probable even less desirable than what I currently have. I have a person that tries in a genuine way, who does for me nice things, who is accommodating to the occasional show of pain over the years of trauma she caused. We have children and grandchildren. There are too many reasons to stay than go.

But, as I say, had I known what I have now would be the sum total of my efforts to give chance after chance, I would probably have a different life with or without someone else for the past many years.

I frankly don't know if that would have been better. Maybe I would have D, found what I thought was my true safe love, and ended up with another broken cheater or maybe I would be alone and not happy. I try not to second guess my choices to "hang in there" and I do take some comfort in the good place we are. But it was a shitstorm of a roller coaster that I would not wish on anyone......though I know from SI, I have a lot of company.

The only thing that I feel 100% certain about is, if we had not had small children, I could not have mustered up the "hang in there" courage that I did. No children, and I would have flew the coup many years ago.My advice to those without kids will always be, run fast and far, wipe the slate clean, leave you WS in the dust and forge a new and better future without the trauma and drama.

[This message edited by DIFM at 7:20 AM, January 19th (Friday)]

It sounds like you are getting to experience being a dad more than being a spouse in a relationship. That’s how it seems at least.

I can see how what I said could come across that way. I get the full spousal experience now, and appreciate it.

Your question was if folks are glad they stayed. I am glad I stayed and the kids are a big reason why. If you did a venn diagram of circles on what/how I define myself, after her affair the circle for husband shrunk dramatically and the one for father grew. Not saying the value I see in being married won't return to the level it was prior just that it hasn't yet.

Just like a big achievement or award at work might cause the value I place in being a good worker to increase or the loss of the job might cause it to decrease. I could be glad I kept working a shitty job because it paid the bills or it gave me a sense of purpose. Wouldn't mean the job wasn't shitty. Or I could hate being at a great job for a variety of reasons.

In my case, my marriage was shitty before she cheated. The value was small. I would have gained more by leaving than trying to put effort into growing something that wasn't there to begin with.

The focus on the kids that I'm making as why I'm glad I stayed. My wife treats me better than she ever has before (+/- the initial dating sex extravaganza). Being treated well in my marriage or feeling some fantastic degree of closeness so that we can finish each others sentences, have magical sex, and write poetry together just ain't as important to me as it used to be.

Overall, as of right now, I am glad I have offered r.

Has anyone gotten through the horror of an extended affair and manage to repair their marriage for the better?

I don't know if my H's A qualifies as an extended affair. He met a stranger online while working overseas...and had NSA sex with her for 9 1/2 weeks until he had to leave that country. It turned into them having feelings of love for each other...but that quickly dissipated on his part when I told him the M was over after he confessed to his A 2 days after coming home.

We have R'd...and life is BETTER than ever . The pain of what he did will never go away...I learned that from the A my 1st H had over 30 years ago. The pain subsides though...and I wince from it now...instead of doubling over in horrible pain.

My H has gone over and above what he needed to do to make me feel safe...and he fights for US every day. He should have been doing it all along...but I am happy that he "gets it" now...and we can move forward . I forgave him...I trust him...and I LOVE him . I have NO regrets on giving him another chance to prove himself worthy to be my H .

There are just a few of us who have R'd that stay on here. I never understood it until I was in that situation. It is hard to stay on here when you don't have the feelings that an A causes anymore. I can't FEEL what some people are going through...that isn't my situation anymore. I CAN say that once you make it through to the other side of infidelity...it is AMAZING . Hopefully some others who have happily R'd will be able to share their story too. From what I've seen on here though...when the M is repaired and happy again...people tend to not be on here anymore...it isn't where they are now.

Want2behappyahain - I always kind of wondered if the people who “make it” stop coming here. I’ve said before that people don’t go out of their way to post on yelp about an above average meal. It’s either below average or amazing reviews on there.

Yes. I am glad we worked it out. We are doing great. Of course I wish my husband had never had an affair, but you can’t un ring a bell. I will always have scars from his infidelity, but people can and do heal. Marriages can and do heal.

I am neither for nor against reconciliation. I think there are definitely situations where divorce is the way to go. Everyone, every marriage, and every situation is unique.

Keep in mind that given the nature of this board, there are going to be a large percentage of recently hurt or, people who have gotten mentally stuck. I come back here to add to the smaller number of voices who are in a more positive place. This board has a lot of wonderful people who offer so much support and helpful advice. Yet, I recommend people use this board as not the only, but as one of the many tools used to get through this mess.

[This message edited by heartneedsglue at 9:02 AM, January 19th (Friday)]

I am glad we are in R. Our M is better. I am happy. We enjoy each other, and he works hard to fix his issues. But, like others, kids played a huge part in deciding to try. Plus, decades of history, and years between the As and dday. I likely would have run if it weren't for kids, even with decades of history. And, although I am happy, I am forever changed. D would have just been another painful consequence, out of nothing but painful consequences, and out of painful choices, R was better.

There are no winners in infidelity but there are survivors.

Want2behappyahain - I always kind of wondered if the people who “make it” stop coming here.

There are a few of us relics here. I joined SI over 15 years ago and so wish there had been an SI when my troubles began much before that. I think there are a few like me that stay connected because, for me at least, though we have what I would call a successful R, it was so traumatizing to get to this place and there in only one place with people that can 100% relate to that trauma: SI. Plus there are still triggers after all these years and having a place to vent is better than not having it.

I was significantly no active for some time, but have found myself much more engaged over the last year. It's like AA for betrayed spouses. The one place where everyone can relate.

Yes, maybe if I was over the moon happy with how our R turned out, I may not be here. But the path was long and difficult and maybe that keeps me here.