SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As this is my first time posting, I should probably first say that I have read this board for the last several months, but haven’t started a post of my own. I have mostly been reading and trying to wrap my head around where I am. And I’ve debated posting because part of me is afraid of the 2x4’s I likely need. So, here goes.

A brief summary: found out in July that my WH was engaged in an ongoing affair by catching him sending her a message. He admits to it being a PA, and admits to another PA/EA two years ago (which I always suspected). As further background, I learned my WH had a pornography addiction two years into our marriage. I asked him to leave then, and he moved out for several months, started therapy and went to meetings. And after about a year, stopped going and began to slowly try to argue he didn’t REALLY have a problem. We have been in and out of therapy (the last time, as it turns out during the first affair).

Despite all of this, I know I love him and that he had the potential to be the person I have seen under everything. So I decide to not immediately file for divorce and see what happens. It takes him a month to find a therapist for IC. I started with one for myself immediately, to try and deal with what I now realize is codependency issues. He ignored basically any books I ask him to read. Will apologize for his actions but shows no real remorse.

I realize I need to ask him to leave again and am working on how to approach him when I find out he’s still in contact with the OW. I confront him and immediately demand he move out. He has to explain to our children why he’s leaving (they’re younger so it was a generic “I broke marital promises and hurt your mom”). And that seemed to break him. Finally see real remorse. He reads “How to Help Your Spouse Heal,” starts owning up to his flaws that got him where he was. Attends SA meetings.. Answers any question I have. In that process, he tells me he recontacted the OW three weeks after DDay because he wanted to see how she was and it snowballed from there. They slept together one time. In her car, not ours (I had a near nervous breakdown entering my own home after DDay #1 because he had taken my home and removed its safety by sleeping with her in my home).. Tells me he never told either woman he loved them. Never told them he wanted to leave me.

I repeatedly explained I felt like he was still holding things back. Explained I needed to truth so I could get my bearings around my reality. He repeatedly swore I knew it all.

This weekend, I found emails that prove he never ended the affair after I caught him. Was emailing her within hours of me catching him. Telling her how sorry he was that he was careless. Telling her she deserves his “honesty” and could they meet up and talk. So the “story” of recontactkng her after three weeks was a lie. It never ended. For 7 weeks, he continued the affair, while my world fell apart. I confront him with this, along with other information that indicates they had sex in my car. He admits to never ending the affair but denies having sex in the car, despite the emails saying otherwise.

Yesterday, he texts me from work and says he minimized other aspects of the affairs and he was keeping those details back “to protect me” (bullshit, it’s to protect him). So I learn this morning that he did actually tell OW#1 that he loved her and he and OW#2 had sex in our car, more than once.

He now swears this is it, those were the last three things (the time frame following DDay, him telling her he loved her and sex in our car). That I know it all. Has offered to take a polygraph year.

The problem is, I’m afraid this last TT has done me in. It’s not the details, it’s the fact that he looked me in the face and lied. When I read up on this, what he’s done, it seems like it happens a lot (giving JUST enough information but holding some back). And I do believe his actions the last seven weeks have been night and day. For the first time, I can truly see he is trying. And I know this is hard for him (thanks to a family that raised him by telling him he had to be perfect, and if he wasn’t to lie and pretend he was). So I don’t know if I give him time, see if he really gets that he has to stop lying and be transparent to move forward, or if I need to open my damn eyes and stop putting myself in the position to be treated this way.

I guess my question is for my fellow BS, if your WS trickle truthed you, how did you handle it? And to the WS, why did you TT and did it become just too much at some point? To me, the continued TT shows such a disregard for me. Every time I start to get my bearings a little bit, I find out more and am throw off all over again.

Despite all of this, I know I love him and that he had the potential to be the person I have seen under everything.

Ever so gently.

Hes NOT the person you hope he is.

He's not who you know he COULD be.

He's not going to change.

He's clearly shown you who he is, believe him.

For whatever reason he is a two year old child who wants what he wants, when he wants it.

I stayed in my marriage for twenty five years thinking I could help him, change him. I was so busy beliving he was who he SAID he was, I never stopped to look at who he was SHOWING me daily he was.

Don't make that mistake.

Hope is not generally a bad thing, but you can be hopesick. It will keep you tied to him believing time and time again he'll be that guy. You know the one you fell in love with.

We all have blinders when it comes to people we love, but some folks know this and use it to their advantage.

i think he used up all his chances.

To offer a direct answer to your question: when BS decides it's too much. That sounds like a cop-out but it's not only true, it is vital to understand that you are in control of your life.

You are very likely projecting your idea of who you WANT your husband to be and are now crushed that he isn't that person. Some will say it's unfair to do this - that a person is who they are, not who we want them to be. Well, maybe it is to some degree but this is a matter of character. When you expect more from a person than they are able to give I think you should cut that person out of your life. Of course it's hard to cut a family member completely out of your life, but as long as you don't live with that person it is possible. As for a spouse, it's a matter of accepting that you are settling for less than you want or ending the relationship and cutting that person out of your life. A BS has to own their decision whatever way they go.

Ending relationships with people who can never be the person you want them to be is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:10 PM, November 6th (Monday)]

"Ending relationships with people who can never be the person you want them to be is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself."

This ^^^

I'm a WW (Hubby BS/MH).

I TT'd. I thought if I held back information it would keep him from getting more hurt. We went 2 months after where I also didn't come completely clean.

He was having a difficult time, also having a relationship with another woman, had a complete mental breakdown thanks to me.

After all that, he would tell me things like "I understand if you don't tell me anything else because it's been to long and I wouldn't tell you either" or "If I find out anything else I'm just done". My WW brain immediately decided that coming clean on the rest of the information was a no go.

Fast forward 1 month of working on reconciling and he asked me for a polygraph. I freaked. I realized there was no way I would answer 2 of his questions. I had to come clean. And even then he has to pull it out of me as I broke down completely. It was like pulling teeth for him while I sobbed and cried and told him I couldn't/didn't want to tell him. But I did.

I felt an iota better that he now knew everything but he felt worse. I betrayed him, again. Any inkling of trust that he got back was lost. Again.

I wish so badly I could have ripped off a band aid. Gave him every detail no matter how awful or how hurtful. He would have respected it. Maybe he wouldn't have stayed. I was a coward instead, I thought shielding him was better.

At this point I can't go back, no matter how much I wish I did the right thing.

Sadly he is contemplating divorce and about to move out.

The decision is different for everyone. My husband couldn't handle anymore and while I wish for nothing more but another chance I don't deserve one and that's a consequence I have to live with.

I wish you luck.

I am sorry for your hurt. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I will wish you peace and strength as you try to sort through this mess and figure out what is best for you.

Every time I start to get my bearings a little bit, I find out more and am throw off all over again.

I don't know the answer to this Alynn, but I'm feeling the same as you.

I just keep discovering more and more information as the days go by and it is starting to feel like I'm just done.

My WH also told me I had all the information and lied to my face when I asked him questions. Then in 2016 he assured me that I REALLY REALLY had all of the truth. It seemed like he was really doing the hard work and he was trying to be the partner I needed him to be. I was so happy I had stuck with R and that we were making progress...

Well, I found out recently he was still lying. And then I just found out more information this past weekend. And with this new revelation over the weekend he has reverted back to his conflict avoidant behavior.

Truly this is the worst kind of torture. He's still in IC but I'm not sure he's really doing the work he says he is. I'm putting in a call to an IC to get myself back in IC.

I can't leave immediately like I'd like to, but I'm getting my ducks in a row again.

He says he doesn't want me to leave. I'm done listening to his words though and will only be watching his actions. Contemplating IHS until I can get my own place.

My WW TT’ed me until the cows came home. She showed me that she is a skilled liar. I will likely never trust her again on important issues, she totally muddled the difference between telling the truth and telling lies. Nothing to be done if I decide to stay married, I simply won’t trust her. There is no magic bullet when people lie like that.

Welcome. Coffee?

I am nearly 23 months into this and TT still is going on. Got a little more last night. He asked me three times if it was okay that he told me something, my heart sunk. I thought it was going to be he saw her again after D-day. It was a lie "that bothered him". I found a receipt, 3 years ago, for a Hallmark Christmas ornament. I asked if he bought the boys one and he made up a lie about how they must have rang up another person's stuff with his. No big deal to pay for another stuff I guess. I remember thinking well that must be nice to just not miss the money at Christmas time as I was not in that situation. I can still remember that day, another red flag I could see, but chose to ignore.

I didn't react just said well it's the first time you came forward with your lies, I didn't have to dig for it. He said it's bothered him since he remembered about two months ago. I can't tell him that my heart sank because he'll be afraid to tell anything more again. And quite frankly, I don't think I care anymore about any of the lies he's told. He can bottle them up and face his maker with the excuses as to why he lied. He's had 23 months, me beating into his head...stop the lies and tell the truth.

TT has set us back so far, it will you as well. There comes a point that you can't trust anything, just when you started to give a little trust they take you out at the knees.

It's too much when you say it is.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm a mh bs. For me the only truth that I got was ttt. My ww could not volunteer a single detail without a direct question or discovery. Very similar to your wh. No remorse until consequences were visible front and center.

She hasn't volunteered any of it and to this day I feel she's still hiding certain aspects because it's either uncomfortable or I haven't asked the right question. She can't/won't explain some insanely egregious behaviors that she exhibited She says she just doesn't know. Namely the really egregious things. I literally can't trust where she is even with visual proof and gps. That's what tt does. She too offered a polygraph after all it was out but all I could wonder is if I just wouldn't ask the right question.

For me it was too much when I found out that d-day wasn't the end. That her a ended because I told ow and her ap ended it for her. Sounds like your wh did similar.

She lost the one chance she barely deserved when she couldn't end it after irrevocably changing our marriage for the worse after her affair. When your cheating spouse won't stop when they see the wreck they've made of you and your relationship is when you draw the line. I believe that I would have appreciated my ww to raise her hand and say something uncomfortable to show humility and remorse while owning her actions.

Your wh hasn't raised his hand on his own yet to clean the slate. It would be a good sign if he managed to tell an uncomfortable truth without you needing to drag it out of him or discover it on your own.

Waywards have endless reasons from fog to self esteem denial, etc. when they are front and center to your suffering and choose to continue an affair it's just cruel. They can see the cost of their decisions without any more excuses.

My thoughts are with you. You've been through a lot, I appreciate what you're going through

Honestly, what would end it for me would be if I found out he did ANYTHING with anyone after he saw what DDay did to me. I had to deal with some TT as well and because of that, I don't believe that I know everything. I know how well he can lie. I'm watching him closely as he goes through recovery.

As bad as the TT is, my absolute no doubt deal-breaker would be if he could see what it did to me and do it again. It wouldn't even be a decision on my part. It would be something I can't come back from. To do it after seeing the consequences visited upon your spouse is, to me, unforgivable and an indication that the person I'm with will never be safe for me or understand what love and basic decency is. We're all different, this is just from my perspective.

You cannot love decency, and the right thing into a person.

He is fundamentally broken, and you cannot fix him.

He has shown you over and over exactly who he is.

Believe him.

You deserve better, start moving toward that, see an attorney, get STD testing, and read up on the 180.

You deserve better, but only you can demand it happen.

((((And Strength))))

did this help?

When you decide it is too much. I had TT for 2 months until we had a full disclosure with MC and then a follow up poly because I didn't believe anything he said anymore. I delayed the poly for several months because I though I was done anyway. All in all, it is really up to you at point things are a deal breaker. Sorry, it sounds like you have been through an awful time with him.