SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I mostly lurk because I'm neither a BS or WS. I'm the child of a WS. I don't know if I belong here, but i have a question.

How many of you have kids and how many of them know? How did it make them feel? Do you they hate you for it? Are they angry? Do they not care? Maybe even support it?

Its open to BS too Id like your answers as well I suppose.

I don't have an answer for you, but you are more than welcome here. You may want to check out the "I Can Relate" forum. You may find some answers to your questions.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:52 PM, November 1st (Wednesday)]

I didn't have my first child until 6 years after D-day. She is only 1 so obviously she knows nothing.

We have kids and they were told. They were pretty young when I stepped out. My son was just a month over 1. My daughter was 3. She noticed the change in me. I didn't give them any time and played less. There was no way to hide the difference in our relationship after Dday. We tried not argue/discuss and my wife tried not to cry but she was a SAHM and that wasn't easy for her to hide. It was unavoidable for them to see sometimes. When two cuddle/handholding adults stop and kid can see the changes. We also had to take them to the IC and MC apps. They stayed in a play room next to us. So after 2 years of working through it after Dday (when I got it)we told them. We chose to use it as a teaching tool over the years about dealing with bad choices and fixing them. My son is still young and clueless. My daughter was angry at me at first and she did care that I hurt mommy. But, she loves us both and was eager to learn forgiveness.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 9:06 PM, November 1st (Wednesday)]

My son was 9 when d-day happened in the middle of the night. He knows and age appropriately called it mom had a boyfriend while married.

He has seen us exchange a lot of words all I've the spectrum of anger, love, support, healing, some yelling, fighting.... The gamet basically.

He has been mad at me and is allowed to express it and his questions completely. We hit rough patches from time to time but the worst of it is behind us. My sons absolutely knows how much his loved by both of us and He is.

My H stays pretty angry and mean to me and sometimes to son unrelated to A. That sends me over the edge - if some stranger treated my son the way his dad does sometimes I'd call the police. All of that was present before the A.

My son sees through all of it. My spouses behavior and mine.

Son is able to articulate and illicit support from both of us. I'm really glad he knows - I'd hate to have some deep dark secret from my son. I have used it as a pretty amazing teaching opportunity more than once. I would do anything to keep him from either picking a prospective cheater or becoming one.

Any specific question or just general feedback?

I'm a B.S and my father was also a W.H who screwed around on my mom for years. So I feel your pain.

All 3 of us kids knew as my father was blatant in his actions.

My relationship with my father was destroyed by his multiple affairs. My parents never divorced and were together until my father died in an accident 20 years ago. He was abusive to my mother as well and all 3 of us kids ended up hating him. We ended up seeing his death as an opportunity for her to break the cycle of abuse and try and find happiness again.

In regards to my STBXWW's affairs... our kids both know. They are older though, 16 and 20 right now. If she would just admit what she did to them their may be a hope of salvaging her relationship with them, but she wont. She refuses to accept responsibility. She lays lie on top of lie and they see through it.

They are actually who tipped me off when she started her affairs again, as she was blatant in her actions around them. Both of them don't want anything to do with their mother anymore.

She had multiple affairs, and in her pursuit of attention from other men, she ignored and hurt our children. She did things to them that I don't think they will ever forget.

She has put them behind the needs of A.P's multiple times, and they figured it out on their own. An A.P who was at my house a lot before I figured out what was going on... Well she put a family dog down our kids loved because he was afraid of it around HIS daughter. Yep you heard that right, she put down a family pet to protect her A.P's daughter.

My DD also had to see and hear about her moms affair with a coworker bus driver at the school our daughter goes to. There are multiple other instances. Lets just say her actions in putting herself first has hurt my kids repeatedly.

So yeah, my kids hate her. Hate who she has shown herself to be... and what she has done to the family we had

BH here. My daughter turned 4, 2 months before dday.

I don't see any benefit in telling her anything, especially as we are trying to R.

If we do eventually D, I may tell her, but not until she is old enough to understand a lot more.

I have no desire to ruin her innocence, she is such a beautiful little girl who believes in unicorns and fairies and shit. She deserves to have that for a little while longer at least.

I do have a lot of anger at my WW for this very reason. I mean fine, you were bored and I didn't give you what you needed- couldn't you just keep it together long enough to give our daughter the life she deserves?

Unfortunately on Dday, my children were caught in the crossfire.

They knew, just like myself, that something was going on with their mom.

When I found out, my son was 9 and my daughter was 6.

I think my son really understood way more than he should have had to. He was so scared we were going to divorce.

What happened with our kids during that time is one of my wife's biggest regrets.

My son was I taekwondo and she totally stopped supporting him. It was horrible. She was truly a miserable person. The kids could see it all.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:36 AM, November 2nd (Thursday)]

They witnessed the massive fighting. My middle daughter guessed but I denied. BH didn’t want them to know (ashamed). My kids still refer to how awful it was but are happy that screaming has stopped. They were more mad at BH than me. I tried to tell them it was me and I deserved it. They didn’t agree so BH did some damage to his relationship with them.

I am a BS with 2 teenage daughters. D-day was 14 months ago. It was very bad when the OW messaged me and I was totally blindsided. My daughters watched me fall apart. They figured it out. They were scared, confused, angry and hurt. My H feels immense shame & guilt. He is angry that they were involved.

I am very close to my girls and have had conversations with both of them on this subject. My biggest fear is that this situation will destroy the relationship with their dad. Our marriage counselor told us that this is his situation to repair with them. I have tried to wash my hands of that responsibility while ensuring their world continues to be safe and comforting.

Time will tell.

My oldest brother and I were talking days/weeks after my mom died (dad had died just 18 months before) and we stumbled on to secrets that revealed he had a different dad than the one we were raised by as his dad.

Early 30's - both parents recently died and all of a sudden - this. We talked about a lot of what ifs over the next months but it was what it was. My moms sister would later confirm details and info to let us know all we suspected was every word and thought true.

All of that to say 3 things: one - I wish this could have been processed with my mom and dad and not some deep dark secret that would come out after they died and we couldn't get their input; two - I'm super glad my son can process all this affair shit with his mom and dad in a healthy way, so that hopefully he'll learn and not repeat what we did or if he does, his learning will be advanced based on our behavior and finally - I hate that my mom and dad carried the pain of the secret.

We have a great family - my mom and dad loved us - no changes at all with this info in fact if anything - pieces of the puzzle fit. I hate they carried something to their grave and I hope it didn't pain them.

I'm also amazed by us as people - early 30s never had the thought of different dads and days after we can't confront or go to the source we stumble on to asking the question. I'll never believe we don't all have an inner voice that strives for health and balance.

I also recognize my moms behavior in a lot of how I feel.

Had we talked about it, I do wonder if I would have been more on guard with adultery and maybe approached it all differently.

One of my huge whys with my affair is I just never thought it would happen to me. Neither did anyone. It did and it does - talk about it.

I'm a BS. We have three children - two are teenagers. They found out on their own because WH was pretty bad at hiding his texts. My oldest (boy) was pretty mad at his dad and had very little use for him initially. The middle one (a girl) was so upset with her father she couldn't be in the same room as him without crying. It was bad - I thought more than once my son and WH would come to a physical altercation. Thankfully the didn't happen. Six months later my son and WH are in a better place but it will be a very long time if ever that they are as close as they once were. DD is still angry with her father and still has little to do with him. Our youngest is special needs and doesn't have the ability to understand what's going on. She just knows dad lives somewhere else and is happy to visit him. I do't badmouth my WH to them but as others have said - it's up to him to repair those relationships.

My mom had an affair when I was a teenager. It was pretty brutal. My stepdad told all of us and definitely wanted the kids on his side. My brother and sister were about 10-11. They blamed my mom because she said nothing for herself. I didn't think either of them handled it very well. They split up and nobody has really healed from it.

We have three kids. They are 9, 4 and 1 (Each has had one birthday since the start of the affair). We didn't tell them anything. Obviously they know we've had some problems but I don't think they see those problems as being out of the norm or related directly to the marriage. They saw each of us as more distant/irritable depending on where we were in the timelineH during the bulk of the affair and me after DDay 2. At times they have blamed themselves for our behaviour and I've apologized for being "tired" and "not feeling well" since most of my behaviour changes revolve around trouble focusing, hiding to cry or nausea.

I'm sad that they think I'm angry for no reason, but I don't see it helping if we tell them their stability is compromised. If we are going to R, they need to see us as a unit, and believe that we will always be here for them. Telling them how many times we've been on the brink of divorce will be scary and confusing for them, but especially if it never happens. So I'm prioritizing the feeling of safety and security right now, unless there will be a visible life change for them to adjust to.

So you see Mezlabor, you definitely aren't alone and this is the right place to be. Sadly, there are many of us here (myself included) who have similar experiences to yours.

I'm glad you reached out. Do look at the I can relate forum. There is a section devoted to children and affairs.

That said, please ask any question you like. This site is full of people who can give you some helpful advice and guidance.

I'm also sorry for the reason you are here. My father's affairs destroyed my family. And much like the destruction it wreaks on unsuspecting spouses, the relationship will never, ever be the same, regardless if you reconcile with your parent or not.

My father was a serial cheater. My mom divorced him when I was 3 and then they got back together when I was 13. However, he continued his cheating ways. I didn't know about it until I was grown. Now that I am a BS, I know the pain that my mom was hiding from us everyday. I love my dad and have a good relationship with him, however I find myself starting to resent him for what he did to my mom. There is nothing I would rather do than to talk to her about all of this crap. I also wpuld like to confront him about all of it, but I don't think I am quite ready for all of that.

Kids are teens. They do not know as we reconciled.

However if we D they may need to be told b/c they have the right to know why we divorced.

During the A I made sure they suspected nothing. I protected my H at all costs.

How old are you? (Are you still a minor)