SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't stand coming home anymore.

I suspected my wife was having an affair and accused her of it in late July, she denied it. A week and a half later I'd find huge volumes of messages our phone bill to a number I didn't recognize. Googled it and got the name of the person. It was a co-worker that she wouldn't shut the f**k up about. She introduced me to him in the middle of the affair. I confront her with this info. She denies it was an affair. I ask to use computer software to recover the deleted messages. She agrees and I find pure disgust and heartbreak. She still attempts to deny it for a moment. Then... she admits the affair. Every detail dragged from her. She swears she wants us, I believe her.

She can't show me the least bit of empathy for several weeks. She says things like we can have a better marriage if I choose to. We go on vacation together in Aruba for a week (it was booked prior). She tries to pretend like the affair didn't happen while there. She just wants me to enjoy myself. What a mistake we made going. We go to marriage counseling from the first week after discovery. I do most the talking, she can't open up. I have my own affair weeks after the discovery. I meet My AP a full month later (we met on tinder), the entire ordeal for me lasts 1 month counting from the first time I see this person. We saw each other three times in total, two sexual encounters. I stop the affair to choose my family. I choose the process of healing our marriage over the outcome of deciding to be together. I chose to end it, she didn't need to force me like I forced her.

Literally the first night she had sex with her ap, she propositioned me for sex. We didn't have sex that night. I would find out later though that we did have sex in the same night in one of their later encounters though. It's like she wanted it to happen. What the f*** is wrong with her??!?!

Two months in I have a mental break. She was gas lighting for two months. Instead of being there for me, she calls my sister to deal with me. Immediately following the break and hitting rock bottom I make a notable emotional recovery. A few days later I tell her APs wife about her affair. They too have a family, two kids. She gets MAD AS HELL for me doing this. I don't care. I wanted to do it and I wished someone would do the same for me.

She made it easy to find APs wife, she told me everything about this guys life including what his wife does and the industry she works. Slowly things get marginally better with her following this. I'm managing both our emotions though. Reading lots of books, articles, going to therapy on our own and meditating. Pausing her arguments so she can identify her feelings. Working with her to imagine what a good marriage will look like from here. She becomes combative when I encourage her to open up. She thinks I'm going to use it against her. How???? The whole process is exhausting for me because I'm now living with this stranger who did these heinous things who is making recovery near impossible due to her lack of ability to open up and show the slightest bit of empathy.

Almost three months pass and with the threat of a polygraph, more details come out. A sexual encounter after my initial accusation and she continued an emotional and somewhat physical affair. For three months, she lied every single day about seeing her AP. She broke the one promise of NC after D-day.

She won't admit to more but I'm certain they kept having sex. She probably holds it back because she thinks THAT will be the straw to break the camels back. The day after I call my former AP it's as if we never stopped seeing each other. We had a friendly conversation which ends with her sharing some kind words towards me. I never tell her why I called (sadness and spite from my wife's stupidity). At this point, I don't care if my marriage continues or not. I tell my WW that I spoke with my AP. Frankly, I wanted her to show that she cared. Instead she tells me that she's happy that this woman cheered me up. Two days later I work from home and take the car before she arrived home. She calls me to ask where I am and tell her I'm seeing a lawyer friend of mine to get some divorce advise. She. Says. Nothing. Couldn't show a care in the world.

She asks me how I feel, I tell her. It's often not good feelings. I get into specific details of the things she did in particular which have caused me emotional pain and doesn't want to hear it. She tells me that "I want her to feel as bad as I do". As a matter of fact, I haven't in the past. Since I found out about this new stuff I actually do want her to feel the pain. About HER affair.

She hasn't made one hard decision yet. She couldn't stop the affair when she introduced me to this guy, when I accused her of the affair, when I found the message volumes on the bill or once it all came out. She literally couldn't stop until I told her APs wife and it's because he bolted on her.

Somehow I'm still here. In this house. With her. I asked her to find another job as soon as the affair came to light. She initially refused and then she narrowed her search to such specific criteria she was never going to find a job to meet this requirement. She could have found SOMETHING in three months. I tell her she needs to leave there to go anywhere if she wants this marriage to have a fighting chance. I don't even know if it will make a difference at this point but it will show she can do one hard thing, to fight for this marriage. We spoke a few days ago and insisted that she must leave her job and find something else to prove she can make one hard choice. I ask her for what a reasonable amount of time is. She proposed 6 months. It's been 3 already. Is she kidding?? We live in New York City and she's college educated. She's very employable. After an hour of arguing she finally agreed, that with my help, she would broaden her search. [SARCASM] Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do even more to help fix this marriage after some insanely heinous acts [/SARCASM]. I had an affair. I know exactly why I had the affair. I was being spiteful. I was hurt very badly and wanted to even things up between us. I also knew that by D-day she missed critical opportunies to stop her affair. I was going to hurt her the way she hurt me. I still couldn't come close to the things she did to me.

My AP and I don't work together. I won't run into her anywhere I go. I wasn't going to ask for oral sex from my WW after having sex with this woman within two hours. I wasn't going to introduce her to my AP and pretend we're friends so she can face the person I'm screwing. The worst I did was I used details from my affair to hurt her too.

I am now completely apathetic towards her at this point. She told me for the first time a day ago she saw him at the office and she felt I needed to know. Now?! Now she tells me!? Three months after putting me through a mental break and then continuing her affair until I made it virtually impossible for her to continue.

For the first time she seems serious about her attempts to try but it really seems like too little too late. I hate coming home. I'm immediately overtaken with feelings of disgust and discomfort.

I came home tonight and she's sleeping in bed with our two-year old daughter. Just knowing she's here is maddening. Could a marriage ever be the same after all the things that she and I did to one another? This marriage needs to be better than before to thrive and I can't imagine it even being half as good as it was.

[This message edited by David512 at 9:14 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

If they work together a good bet the affair is continuing. Hence, her lack of work on the marriage.

Cheaters always want secrecy so nothing interferes with their affair.

Currently all you’re doing is talking. Which as you’ve found gets you nowhere.

Yep the sex continued. That’s also why she doesn’t want to leave the job.

Did you inform his wife it was still going on?

So you have the guts to have an affair, want a pat on the back for ending it to work on your marriage, you threaten divorce, do all the heavy lifting, and what?

What?

At first I was utterly disgusted by her behavior as I was reading your post. I kept asking myself, why in HELL was she trying so hard to purposely have sex with this poor guy on the same day or evening she'd had sex with her OM? What kind of disrespectful low life behavior is THAT?

And then I got to the part in your post where you mention calling your past OW and how you talked to her and it all seemed so natural and comfortable, like no time had passed at all since the affair ended, and blah blah blah.

Then, I understood your wife's spiteful, rotten behavior towards you. It all made sense.

This is just one big, huge 'f*** you!' revenge affair from your wife. She's still incredibly angry at you for your affair, she clearly hasn't forgiven you, and it almost sounds as though it was rug-swept so she's acting out this way, instead.

This marriage is a complete train wreck.

She's likely acting out in incredible hurt and anger BECAUSE of your affair, and here you are jumping right back into the frying pan with your past OW so you could rub even MORE shit in your wife's face because I guess you didn't feel you'd shoved NEARLY enough of it in her face back on D-Day.

Read around here for a while - you'll see posts from BS's who say how strong their need to have a revenge affair is because they have all this anger and devastation and want to strike back at their cheaters so their WS's can feel what it's really like to deal with infidelity. You see these posts ALL THE TIME here on SI. The desire for a revenge affair seems to affect a LOT of BS's.

Your wife DID what a lot of BSs are driven to do but in the end, won't. She's no different than any other incredibly damaged BS, David.

Just be done with this train wreck already. You two seem to thrive on self destruction.

Tren0R201 - Yes I did, because she not only had her affair but she didn't stop it when she had so many reasons to snap her out of "the fog". She didn't even learn of my affair until nearly six weeks after D-day. She kept going with this guy without that knowledge and kept going free of spite. She escalated once she learned though.

NoMercy -- Her affair was first and lasted several months. Ended in August. All of the sexual things she did was prior to August and prior to any affair of my own. All of that spite you say is unprovoked. I called my AP after her affair was over. I did it in part to get a reaction from her and in part to feel better. Neither of those things are right but she couldn't try ahead of any of that.

[This message edited by David512 at 6:22 AM, November 1st (Wednesday)]

Do you journal?

Though no affair is good, some are just plain worse. Some affairs are done because the WS is lacking something and they do it for them. Terrible.

Even worse is when they have you interact with the AP, or have sex on the same day, or in my case along with the first two add in screwing in the marital bed. This isn’t done for them, this is done to you. No one does these things and can then claim they were just lonely or lacking affection. This is a giant FU to you.

I also fall into the camp that doesn’t believe the affair ever stopped. I can see why you are so angry and frustrated.

You are correct that your WW did many of these things out of anger and "against" you. You have every right to be hurt and angry about it. It is natural.

I'm curious why you are continuing to try R. You don't sound as if you have any interest in staying in the M. You already had a revenge A. Neither you nor your WW seem to want the M so why are you still together? Do you have children together you are trying to protect? If you are so uncomfortable in the house, your children feel it. I can't imagine it is good.

You said your WW shows no remorse. Did you show her remorse for your A? It doesn't sound like it. Yes, you stopped without being forced to, do you want a cookie for that? It seems as though you didn't receive the response you wanted from your WW, which was the entire reason you did it in the first place. Now you have no incentive to continue.

For your own sake, don't continue the revenge A. It won't help you. If you are through with the marriage, then end it. Then you can do whatever you like.

OK here’s my two cents.

She cheated. You than she cheated.

You have one child.

It appears that you were both intent on hurting and destroying each other. What has me concerned, more than anything, is what your child is being exposed to and has witnessed.

One of you needs to start acting like the responsible adult and stop this vicious cycle and pattern of behavior.

You need to get yourself a therapist or counselor as soon as possible. Whether you decide to reconcile or divorce, you need some guidance and professional help on how to navigate this path.

I have to be honest but during my husband‘s affair, which lasted about a year, my first thought always was my children. In front of my children, during the summer months when they are home from school and it appeared as though my husband was going to walk out the door to go be with the other woman, I forced myself to pretend everything was fine. We ate family dinners together with my husband and I tried to engage and act as normally as possible.

While your child is Young and may not be aware of what is going on, the damage you’re doing to each other is childish at best.

I’m glad to see that you have decided to stop cheating on your wife. Two wrongs don’t make a right and never will. Give yourself some opportunity to be better than her and stop Playing games.

I think it is time for you to start unraveling the situation. And the only way I can see this happening is by each of you getting a good counselor or therapist. Not marriage counseling but your own individual counseling to work out the issues you each have.

Maybe then there is hope that the marriage can be saved. But until then you still have to figure out some type of family dynamic that will not harm your child.

I wish you the best and hope that you can come to a place where you can function as a family unit while separately dealing with the drama and affairs.

Why don't you tell her to move out for awhile? Can she stay with a friend for a bit? This will give you some time and try and figure out whether you even want this marriage anymore. If nothing else, you remove your source of pain for a bit, and give you a trial run at a life without her.

Your story is a lot like mine except the revenge affair part. I have been faithful to my wife.

My story in a nutshell:

Our sex life died. I brought it up to wife. She said she was worried about getting pregnant and the pill made her sick. I get a vasectomy. During this time her (female) boss was abusing her and others at work. I hire a lawyer and 3 days later her boss was fired. I'm thinking life is about to get good. I'm still healing from vasectomy. Little did I know wife was already in an emotional affair with coworker. 5 days after boss was fired, wife has sex for the first time with coworker. I'm still waiting for the go ahead from my doctor to "use" the vasectomy.

He says wait a couple more weeks to be safe. During this time, wife arranges for a double date with us and her AP and his wife. (Only time I ever met him). We spend the day together sailing. (I feel like a complete fool now to this day).

Wife continues affair and sleeps with him again at his house the weekend I get the green light from my doctor on the vasectomy. She cancels our plans and I'm home taking care of HER kids (I'm the stepdad) while she sleeps with him again on Mother's Day weekend. (I'm not making this up)

A month goes by, still no sex (us). She starts talking about this guy a lot. She asks me to buy an expensive item(hobby) that she uses to spend time with om. I start to get suspicious. I confront her twice. She adamantly denies twice. "Om would be mortified if he knew you suspected affair".

A couple weeks go by, I'm not sleeping.

One day out of the blue, she is crying like someone just died. Apparently the om's wife had evidence of the affair and was threatening to show me. Wife finally admits.

She stays in the job for 8 more months working with om. I finally force her to quit under threat of divorce.

She reluctantly quits and doesn't even look for another job for 6 mos.

14 months after dday she finally gets a job.

It's now been 3.5 years since dday. On paper we are good. Affair is over. Finances are back on track. Lots of therapy for both of us and marriage counseling.

I'm still very angry. Some of the fact pattern above I will never get past. Our sex life is still not great. She has rarely if ever initiated sex or a conversation about her affair. She has healed from her affair. I haven't.

I get your anger.

Thissux - thank you. You're story almost reads like a cautionary tale. Three and a half years and you're still having a pretty hard time. You're on this forum as well. How is your marriage now ? How is it different ? Better : worse ?

The marriage is completely different now vs pre affair. We don't even recognize our anniversary any more (by mutual choice) the old marriage is dead. We had only been married for 3 years before she cheated so quite honestly I don't even recognize our pre affair marriage at all. Her affair completely nullified the first three years.

I honestly don't know why I stayed during those early months. My wife has two kids from a previous marriage. They had already been through one divorce and I want to try my best to avoid putting them through it again. I also didn't want them to know why we would be divorcing. Her affair was so oh of character of who I thought I married and I wanted to understand what insanity invaded her being.

Is our marriage better? Yes and no. I have a financial partner now. Before I had an entitled teenager with a shopping addiction for a wife. She would secretly buy things on her credit cards and I'd find out after thousands of dollars were spent. Now she is very open and I really do see that she's changed. She views our finances like an adult does. That part is better. I also think she has a much better handle on her demons she brought into the marriage from her first marriage and her childhood. (Father abandoned them). So, I think my wife is in a much better place than she was. She still has work to do. Her empathy and ability to show/initiate affection is limited. I do know she loves me but I wish she would speak my love language better (she knows what it is just doesn't act on it). Our communication is much better now and I do trust her now after much counseling and work.

Am I better? No. I resent what we've been through the last 3+ years. I resent having 1200 days dominated by thinking of all the items above in my previous post. I resent carrying the burden of all this around for 3 years. My job suffered. My joy has been drained and I've spent many hours talking to shrinks because I thought I was losing my mind.

I'm convinced infidelity is the worst thing a spouse can do to the other. It's criminal. Abuse doesn't even begin to describe it. It's literally emotional torture. Nothing in my life has caused me to think about something every day for 3+ years except infidelity. Nothing.

I've wanted to pull the plug on our marriage so many times I can't count. It's not because I don't love my wife but it's because I want the pain to stop. Reconciliation is hard as hell and very painful. Make sure you want it and make sure your wife is worth the effort before attempting.

Would I go through it again? Not a chance.

So sorry that you are struggling and hurting.

I was afraid to separate after Dday...I was afraid it would initiate the D....I was afraid he would choose AP...and I was afraid it would give WH a free pass to have all the outside sex he wanted...then come back and say, it was what I requested. Taking advantage...

I wish I had done it....if they are going to continue to cheat, at least its out in the open, and you can face it....not TT's..I wasn't controlling anything.

Are you afraid if you separated, she would still see her AP? what does that really say? The lies afterward, would not matter. It would make the picture more clear, sooner. This is toxic and stagnant...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:49 AM, November 2nd (Thursday)]

Literally the first night she had sex with her ap, she propositioned me for sex. We didn't have sex that night. I would find out later though that we did have sex in the same night in one of their later encounters though. It's like she wanted it to happen. What the f*** is wrong with her??!?!

Two months in I have a mental break. She was gas lighting for two months. Instead of being there for me, she calls my sister to deal with me. Immediately following the break and hitting rock bottom I make a notable emotional recovery. A few days later I tell her APs wife about her affair. They too have a family, two kids. She gets MAD AS HELL for me doing this. I don't care. I wanted to do it and I wished someone would do the same for me.

She made it easy to find APs wife, she told me everything about this guys life including what his wife does and the industry she works. Slowly things get marginally better with her following this. I'm managing both our emotions though. Reading lots of books, articles, going to therapy on our own and meditating. Pausing her arguments so she can identify her feelings. Working with her to imagine what a good marriage will look like from here. She becomes combative when I encourage her to open up. She thinks I'm going to use it against her. How???? The whole process is exhausting for me because I'm now living with this stranger who did these heinous things who is making recovery near impossible due to her lack of ability to open up and show the slightest bit of empathy.

Almost three months pass and with the threat of a polygraph, more details come out. A sexual encounter after my initial accusation and she continued an emotional and somewhat physical affair. For three months, she lied every single day about seeing her AP. She broke the one promise of NC after D-day.

She won't admit to more but I'm certain they kept having sex.

Your WW is not showing any remorse because she's not feeling any. The stories of WWs that go to the extra step to humiliate their husband by parading their man in front of their husband and to go as far as wanting you to perform oral hours after OM busted in her. Probably kissed you after performing oral. That's really jacked up.

You're not able to move forward with R because you know in your heart and gut that your wife is on team OM. She can't even fake any interest.

I would work on yourself. You're way to attached to her despite all of the disrespect and contempt that she's shown you through her actions, you continue to try and force R.

It will only work if she's truly remorseful and showing through her actions not words.

It's better to co-parent from a position of strength than for you to show such weakness to your kids in a cold one sided marriage. They are learning from your actions how a man is supposed to carry himself.

Thank you guys. Thissux, you are a saint. It sounds like you chose the mental health of those kids over your own. That's a hard choice to have to make.

I decided to D this evening. Saw an attorney, got guidance. Broke the news to her. I sent her a proposed list of how to split our assets and post-marriage child support. We need to sort out custody now. That seems like it's going to be a journey in it of itself.

It was hard, she became very upset for just a few minutes. Rejected my proposal for D at first. Swore that she knew I still love her. I do love her, I hate myself for it given all she did. It eats away at my soul in ways that words can't describe. To love someone who can do the things she did so deliberately.

She walked away and came back like nothing had happened. Cold, angry back to the way she was days after the affair. After exchanging virtually no more words, she went to bed and that's it.

She couldn't choose me, fight for me at all. She humiliated me with all she did.

I feel in my heart this is what she wanted and wouldn't ask for. I'd never be the same choosing to be with her after her choices. She won't/can't articulate why she did the horrible things she did.

Tomorrow she'll go to work, probably see AP and cry on his shoulder. I only wonder if I should give APs wife a heads up or just stay away. I can't endure any more drama at this point. All I want is peace, that seems so far away.

Tomorrow she'll go to work, probably see AP and cry on his shoulder. I only wonder if I should give APs wife a heads up or just stay away. I can't endure any more drama at this point. All I want is peace, that seems so far away.

I'dlet her know. Tell her he can have her.

There are affairs but yours is very over the top you'd never be able to bury all the issues I doubt.

The side bars were done TO you for a purpose.

Your best path forward is a very strict 180 limited to no contact

Text or emails kid and divorce or business only. If you can't pull that off you'll just linger longer. Keep it brief and civil. Cut any engagement with her.

Time will fix the rest

Though no affair is good, some are just plain worse. Some affairs are done because the WS is lacking something and they do it for them. Terrible.

Even worse is when they have you interact with the AP, or have sex on the same day, or in my case along with the first two add in screwing in the marital bed. This isn’t done for them, this is done to you. No one does these things and can then claim they were just lonely or lacking affection. This is a giant FU to you.

I also fall into the camp that doesn’t believe the affair ever stopped. I can see why you are so angry and frustrated.

Excellent advice from one who's been through this