SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WS had ONS with a coworker six months ago after a work happy hour. There was never plan of this or EA leading up to it. She had barely spoken to the COW prior to this and has not at all afterwords.

Obviously I hate her still working with the guy but have tried to come to terms with it. She does not work in close contact with him, but the office is only about 40 people so she does have to see him more than I'd like. She has asked me if I wanted her to quit her job and I said no. She has claimed she would quit her job if it's what I needed to heal. I'm honestly not sure it would help though. Since there wasn't every any form of relationship between them and she despises his existence, I'm not concerned that them working together will lead to any type of infidelity.

That being said I hate them working together because I don't want this scumbag having any part in my life.

My wife sent me a text today saying that she has been promoted. This promotion will likely put her in more frequent contact with the AP. While the financial benefit of this promotion is a giant leap which will be of great benefit to our family, she may be the direct supervisor of the AP. She wants him to get transferred to another branch but has no control over that in her current job. In the new job she would have control of that and after a year in the job she is required to move which would remove her from the situation entirely.

I'm struggling with how to handle this news and how to discuss it with her when she gets home. Had the ONS never happens, I would be thrilled for her. The new job is a huge accomplishment that is sought after by a lot of people and she was selected by some very high-up people. The benefits of the job are incredible and I truly wish I could be excited for her..and us. But all I can think about is the guy who ruined my marriage being in her life everyday.

Anybody have a similar situation and have found some coping tools you'd care to share? Aside from her quitting her job which just doesn't make financial sense. It would put a strain on me being the sole income until she found work again which would be at a significantly reduced income. I know financial security isn't everything...but it's one stress that can be avoided right now.

What are the consequences of her infidelity with a COW?

I would discuss with her going to her management and letting them know that she cannot be the supervisor of someone that she has had sex with, as this could open up the company to legal problems. If he is doing a bad job and she legitimately needs to let him go, he could sue the company and name your wife.

Just some things to consider.

No, finances aren't everything, but they are a significant source of marital stress---I've heard the statistic that the majority of divorces are due to financial problems and disagreements, more even than infidelity---and as you say, do you really need that extra stress right now?

If your wife is able to transfer the AP to a different location in her new position, is there any way doing so could come back on her, as in being looked at as retaliation?

I think it's a positive that she'll only be there a year before moving anyway, if I understood your post correctly.

What are the consequences of her infidelity with a COW?

The consequences are it has changed us from a happy marriage to whatever this is now. I'm in limbo between D and R and she feels that every day.

She's very remorseful for what happened and wants to do anything she can to fix it. But right now anything short of a time machine isn't going to fix it.

She claims that she expressed interest in the new position because it was some type of movement and could result in her or him leaving the office. She said that staying in the same position was just more of the same and not moving anywhere at all. The downside is while it could get him out of her life, it could also put her in more frequent contact with him.

She offered to quit her job and you said no....And now she has gotten a promotion and you are not happy because of possible more frequent contact....

Well...if your gonna D then i say who cares...If your gonna R then why didn't you take her up on her offer to find something else???

TBS,

You and your story have been on my mind since your original post.

I totally understand you being in limbo still, it can be very hard to get over infidelity, and I know the impact that it had on me.

What I would say about this new development is that you and your wife are going to have to do a lot of deep talking about it, and explore how she is going to handle being the boss of the guy she had the ONS with. I know that sounds obvious, but there are loads of issues that she is going to have to get straight in her mind if she is going to be his boss.

1.) Has the guy told others at work about the ONS? If he has, how does your wife thinks she will cope with that when she has to act as his boss?

2.) Is she absolutely sure she has no feelings towards the guy? She said that she felt nothing for him when the ONS happened, but she was talked into it, so unless she wants to build on that, she has to be 1000% sure she feels no attraction for him now. I know she says she despises him, and I am sure she does because of what he got her to do, but the fact remains that he was able to get her to do it. Both of you need to be totally sure of what her emotional state is here, because people can sometimes kid themselves about stuff. She really, truly, needs to be honest about every last part of this, for you, and for herself.

3.) What will you do if there is some kind of conference or other event that they have to travel to together, and maybe stay overnight?

4.) What will happen if she has to 'work late'? Many managerial jobs can require that, but given the new situation, how are you going to handle that?

In terms of coping tools, I would recommend that the first thing you do is congratulate her on the promotion, and for working hard enough that it got noticed and rewarded. That will mean a lot to her, and maintaining the bond between you is more important than ever now. I know you are struggling with all of this, but treating this like a deliberate thing on her part, or letting it drive you apart, is in nobody's best interest.

Then, as I say, you need to talk through the issues I have mentioned, and any others that spring to mind.

If she can have him transferred once she is in the new role, she should do it. However, she - and you - need to figure out what you will do if he decides to cause trouble and go public about the ONS and say that is why he is being moved. It could be that he will move on without a peep, and the new situation with her being his boss may not be too comfortable for him either, but you and your wife need to talk through the various scenarios that could happen.

I think you said in earlier posts that your wife always tells you about any contact she has with the guy, and obviously, that will be paramount now. I think that your wife could get herself a VAR (voice activated recorder), and try to record any conversations she has with him in her office, just for the sake of safety. Maybe this sounds like a cheap TV soap-opera, but the guy is obviously a POS, so your wife should prepare herself (and this is only an extreme possibility) for him trying to pull her to one side and tell her that she better be good to him or he will tell everyone about the ONS. That really is an extreme and unlikely scenario, but you and your wife should talk it through, and figure out together what to do if something like that ever happened.

I know that your job is some distance from where your wife works, but I would recommend that you both start texting during the day, and maybe having a daily catch-up phone call at a point that is convenient for both of you. That will help give you peace of mind, and it keeps re-inforcing the bond between you. And it will help her too, because I am sure she is not comfortable with having to manage that turd.

I think that your wife should make it a priority to never be alone with that guy in any situation, even if she has to engineer good reasons for other people to be around. The man is a sh*t, and he should not ever be in a position where he could try and blackmail your wife.

As I have said, if your wife can get this crumb moved, she should do it, and do it as soon as possible. She should also be careful to keep all of her exchanges with him as brief and professional as possible, and if she has any formal meetings or reviews with him, she should record them, and bear in mind that he may also could record any exchanges. Again, that's a bit extreme, but if your wife decides to transfer the guy, and they have a one-to-one meeting, he may go out of his way to bring up the ONS and play the victim. If you wife 'cracks' and starts saying stuff like, "Dave, you know why I have to transfer you, we never should have done...", and the guy has a VAR recording it, your wife and the company might wind up getting sued for unfair treatment or whatever. So your wife absolutely has to train herself to keep their exchanges 100% 'cold', limited to the basics, and professional.

On that score, your wife needs to think through what she would do and say if the scumbag ever raises the issue of the ONS with her. In situations like that, I have relied on a technique I read about years ago, called 'The broken record'. Basically, you work out a stock reply that you will give, and you stick to it, repeating it like a part of a scratched record that plays over and over again. You can work on this reply with her, but it should be short, 'closed', and to the point. It can be something as simple as:

"I am your manager, and I will only discuss work issues with you. I hope you will respect that".

Repeat that a few times and the message will soon get across.

On the positive side, this is not really that different to her working at that place up until now, is it? She probably sees the guy around, but has no contact with him. Now, as his manager, she may have a bit more contact with him, but as long as she keeps everything ice cold and professional, she should be fine.

As I have said already, she must never, ever engage with him about the ONS, because he may have a VAR himself, and he might try and make a case about unfair treatment.

Again, I've already said it, but I think the pair of you should be in regular contact during the day, a few times, to maintain a level of reassurance and support for both of you. This won;t be easy for either of you, but if you view it as a team effort, a joint project, you will both get through it, and in the process, it may help to bring you closer together. I really hope that happens, but I'm not telling you what to do because I know that grates on you.

Bottom line, she worked with him before, and they were cold and distant. She needs to maintain that temperature and space, without being out-and-out nasty to the guy to the point where he could take action, and things can work out fine. And your wife will move after a year in that post anyway, so there is light at the end of the tunnel if she cannot get that creep moved immediately.

I guess the ultimate coping tool would be one that sounds like it comes from a Hallmark card, but just love one another, talk, and support each other.

Sending you friendship and strength, TBS.

Is the co-worker married?

So many LTAs on this site are between co-workers.Especially "the predatory OM" sweet talking a WW into it, type.And your WW already had a ONS with the man in question.

Since there wasn't every any form of relationship between them and she despises his existence, I'm not concerned that them working together will lead to any type of infidelity.

I wouldn't be so sure, if i were you.If your relationship keeps deteriorating and the OM keeps pushing, who knows what will happen.

The AP now has leverage over your WW. The AP can claim sexual harassment, hostile work environment, etc., especially since the ONS happened before she bid on the new job. She should disclose what happened to her manager or HR and try to address the situation before she becomes his supervisor.

This could become a mess for her at work.

I understand your WS asking you if she should quit or not, but she did you no favors by doing so. She should just be looking as furiously as possible for a new place to work.

Let her know what you are feeling about this. Tell her that every moment you know she might be seeing him again is another chink in the marital wall, lowering the chances your marriage will survive. Knowing she sees him keeps the affair front and center. Over to her, then, to put on her big girl pants and make it right.

Actions have consequences...

First you need to figure out if divorce or reconciliation is what you want, you claim to be in limbo that's not a good place to be in. It's obvious by your post that working with him is a cause of stress six months she could have found a new job by now paying near what she is making with this promotion not so much now mate. Consequences well there have been none, not sure why anyone did not mention this to you I mean who knows other than you do you have a friend that has gone through something similar that you can lean on. Edit; if you decide on reconciliation probably best if she quits her job from the sound in your post this is causing stress to you. If you decide on divorce best she takes the job so you won't have to pay spousal support.

[This message edited by xZOOMx at 6:04 PM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

She needs to go to the powers that be and disclose the one night stand. She needs to request that either he or she be moved as she does not feel comfortable supervising him.

Honestly - she really should not be supervising someone under these circumstances - and if she stops and thinks about it she is setting herself up for problems if he is ever unhappy with her supervision.

It will be interesting to see if she is willing to do this... and what the company response to the situation is. At the end of the day it all boils down to your comfort level with this situation.

she may be the direct supervisor of the AP. She wants him to get transferred to another branch but has no control over that in her current job.

I see a potential problem.

The AP can hold the betrayal over her if he needs something on the job.

It may get her fired, but I think she needs to report the betrayal to human resources as she now supervises her AP. It could prove much worse later on. Maybe she can convince HR to transfer the AP.

Your limbo....are you 50/50 on staying or divorcing? Or are you leaning more toward one or the other?

If you have any ideas of divorce. If it is a serious option that you are truly considering.....IMO have her take the job. Her making good money will help you in the D settlement.

Your M aside, it's a terrible position to be in for your wife re: AP. She should not be in a managerial position over someone she had a sexual relationship with. Most HR departments would not look kindly on that. And if it came to light from somewhere else and not from her, it could kill her career. So purely from a career consideration, she should meet with HR and discuss it.

Now, from a M standpoint...Hell No!!!

I don't know your story, but there is zero positive to this other than income. So, question: how much $ is your marriage worth? Your in limbo, as you've said, so perhaps you're leaning toward D and don't give a rat's ass what she does, in which case let her keep the job and her increase in income will help you when it comes to alimony. Or, you're hoping for R, in which case she needs to stay as far away from AP as possible. None of this "she doesn't like him / is cold to him / no relationship prior to this, bullshit. It's a recipe for disaster and a major impediment toward R. Fact is, she should be looking for another job. Full stop.

My WS had ONS with a coworker six months ago after a work happy hour. There was never plan of this or EA leading up to it. She had barely spoken to the COW prior to this and has not at all afterwords.

Yeah...no. There might have never been a plan but no doubt working in an office people check each other out, all it takes is one lingering stare, walking past each other, standing next to each other etc. Then you finally introduce a scenario where they are in the same place, alcohol gets involved, one person makes a move and you know the rest.

So yes technically they might now have spoken much but best believe this all didn't come out of the blue. Now your situation being a nice guy is not truly communicating what you feel. What is more important because it seems money overrules everything. I might add extra money is no use if you get divorced because your WW enters another affair or this whole scenario of being on constant tenterhooks whenever she's late or things just get plain bad between you.

What's the deal breaker? Working together isn't. Her getting promoted and now working closer to him isn't.

If it bothered you which it did...you should have taken her offer when the first put it on the table.

I don't think I would be able to handle that at all. Even with the financial benefit, my sanity is more important. If you know it is something that will bother you (it would bother every BS) you need to bring it up now and take her up on her previous offer to find a new job.

I understand being in limbo because that is where I am, however I try to make it clear to my WH what is a deal breaker and the things that concern me. This is huge so I would address it.

I agree that you need to talk more. About the ramifications. About what she will do in what situation. About how you're feeling and what your concerns are.

My H still works with his AP and while it is not ideal we are taking it one day at a time. He can always quit eventually. Did everyone on SI tell me Hell No and He Must Quit? Yep. And I see where they're coming from but I don't think that's best for us. I know if he started a new job it would be long hours getting settled, tons and tons of new people, lots of reputation building and stress. I want work on the back burner and the focus on the marriage, so he stays. His career is also my livelihood and my children's, and we have MUTUALLY put a lot of work into it. Even at a new job there would still be events he'd have to avoid that may include her, and working with her he can find out whether she will be there.

I feel safer knowing what she's up to, for now. If she decides to take the job, hopefully he can be moved quickly and there are no more issues.

Your marriage will never be like it was before she dropped the A bomb on your marriage and killed it.

you thought you knew her and now you know that she is capable of cheating on you.

It will never go away.

She got to have an open marriage.

Only your side is not open.

She is not who you thought she was or is.

More contact with the OM?

The affair is not over until she has no contact with the OM.

She is still in the A.

You can not even start to R while she is still working with the OM.

How would she like it if you spent all this time with your OW?

She must have liked something about him to sleep with him.

What happens the next time you hava a fight?

will she run to him again and never tell you?

The woman you know now certainly would.

She did it before, she can do it again.

And she loved it.

My friend tried to work on his marriage after her first boyfriend. After he found out about number 2 and number 3 boyfriend (both married)

he was done.

Save yourself some more pain. She will do this again.

The downside is while it could get him out of her life, it could also put her in more frequent contact with him.

This sentence is confusing to me. If you have frequent contact with someone they are in your life. She signed up for him to be more in her life than he was before...