SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sure this has been posted about a bunch around here, but having trouble finding what I'm looking for.

I've been lurking here since late last week, and posted for the first time yesterday. I am fully on-board with the idea of the 180, and have been trying to implement it. Thing is... I suck at it; at least so far.

I think the main reason is this: we used to talk about everything. No secrets, no subject too hard. The life happened, and somewhere along the way I became clinically depressed. It was probably a year or more before I even realized it (suspected is more accurate), and then at least another year of denial and avoidance of dealing with it. I stopped confiding in my wife. She lost her husband. Cut to Dday 1, and the crushing blow that dealt me. I finally acknowledged my depression, and sought help for that and my pain through IC.

I feel like myself again for the first time in years, and even with all this crap going on, I find myself wanting to confide in her again. I don't want my silence to give her the final excuse she needs to leave the marriage. It also feels good to talk to her again, even though I know it's not going to bring me what I want. The depression is definitely still here, and some days (today) are incredibly difficult.

So, I guess my question is... did anyone find it incredibly difficult to fully implement the 180? Do you have tips for how you finally stuck to it? I'm recognizing all the crap she's pulling with me. The blame-shifting, etc. This whole situation seems so stereotypical after reading so many other posts; intellectually I know I need to follow your advice, but emotionally I feel so weak and I waver.

I'm struggling to disconnect and stay upbeat. I'm so mad at him and so disgusted by his behavior that I find it hard to project a more positive image of myself. Working on it. I'm also living in a very small 4 room house. We are basically practicing "in house" separation without having said it, but there's not a lot of space that we don't share with our DS.

I have been lucky enough to be able to go to exercise classes at night to get away for a bit. Have been able to work out 5 days a week. So that's been a good change.

I find it hard to make myself detach and do things without him. We were always together and doing everything as a family. Now we are doing things differently.

The folks here can give great advice.

Many BS find the 180 difficult to implement. It runs counter-intuitive to what you want to do, which is TO FIX IT. You feel that if you go back to the relationship you had, that would be fixing it, but it doesn't often work that way.

The purpose of the 180 is not your WW. The purpose of the 180 is to empower you to detach. It isn't easy for many and requires practice.

Break free from the confusion your WW is throwing around. Show her some consequences for her actions.

Affairs thrive in the dark - kind of like mushrooms, including the shit. As soon as his wife knows he is having an affair, I can almost guarantee that the affair will end. Would you want the OBS to tell you if you didn't know your WW was having an affair and possibly getting ready to leave you? That is your answer. You aren't inflicting pain in the OBS, her husband has done that.

What would you tell your best friend to do in this situation? Would you tell him to wait and let his wife take all the power of decision making "if" the marriage would work? Or would you tell him to empower himself?

Its hard, its soul crushing. Your wife is not who you thought she was. Your marriage is not what you believed it was.

You must start from where you are, not from where you wish you were.

[This message edited by brokenblackbird at 11:55 AM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

I failed miserably at the 180. I am only posting to get your post back up on the threads. Others will be along. I can only say that this is the hardest thing I have ever been through (am still going through) if you have been successful at any aspect of the 180 that is a win, it is designed to help build your strength, promote clarity and separate from the emotions so you can start the healing process.

Also I hear you on the stereotypical behavior. I thought my WH was unique in his crazy talk in the first few months but not one thing he said was out of the realm of what others here experienced....scary how paternistic they are! I also try to follow advice on here and waiver too. I even begged a SI member "not to give up on me" after he gave me so much great advice and the I went out and did the opposite! We are all fumbling through the pain, don't be too hard on yourself!

At this point, if you know the A is a deal breaker, I expect the 180 will come naturally.

The fact that's not happening makes me think R is a possibility. If R on the table, the 180 should be off.

R requires a lot of communication. The 180 requires limiting communication to finances and taking care of kids, if any.

The 180 is not a tool for manipulating a partner; it's a tool for finding and using your own inner resources. It aimed especially at BSes whose WSes are not candidates for R and/but who are having trouble letting their WSes go. If that's not you, the 180 is not for you.

There is a pre-qualification test question you have to answer first, before you can implement the 180. It's not fair to do this... but it has to be asked.

It's somewhat provocative... but you need to be completely honest with yourself and spend a little time to think about this and post your answer and how this question makes you feel:

Are you infidelity's bitch?

I'm not being facetious here - this is an honest question.

Best advice i can give...stay busy, connect with family and friends and realize NC is FOR YOU. the first days were excruciating, than a week went by...my 2nd week sucked..but keep posting on SI..everyone is right...the days turn into weeks then months. Im coming up on 1 month since dday...stay strong, vent here as often as you like..eat n get rest. Being active daily really helps my mind not play the crazy "movies" nor think of WS. Do not break NC..i have read and believe it sets you bak. Remember you are the victim..protect your inner self, and become stronger

I struggle with the 180 too. I get confused by the processs of setting boundaries and consequences, especially to protect our child. WH is so obsessed with OW he spent months ignoring our child, was often late picking g her up at appointed times using work as an excuse. He spent tons of money he did not have buying dinners and gifts for OW. We are still living under the same roof but I am filing for Divorce, and I find it hard to contain myself when he shows up late or disapppears for hours and leaves our child alone so he can be with OW. I don't trust anything he says either. The 180 is hard to practice consistently. I can say that it is easier as time marches on. I was barely holding it together over Christmas. Now I can come home from work and compartmentalize the rage I feel. What helps is playing music and listening on my headphones. I have an FU playlist just for those times when he is around and my rage is building quietly. I also meditate with an app called Headpace.

I found this helpful: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp

I printed it, shrunk it and carried it with me to read as often as necessary.

Thank you all for your replies... it's reassuring to see that others are struggling with the same things.

sisoon - thank you too for your reply. I think you're the first person that said the 180 and the potential for R don't go together. R is definitely on the table, but not yet agreed to working towards. We are communicating a lot, and it is going both ways. I really think that is a big part of why the 180 seems to counter-intuitive to me.

This whole situation is impossible. I kind of lost it at my IC appointment on Monday. I was talking to her about my fears for what would happen, how I would feel, if/when the marriage ends. I acknowledged that many of them were miles ahead of what I need to worry about, but they're still my fears. She let me go on, and then stopped and said I hear a lot of "'I'll never' and 'I won't be able to...'" She then told me that I have no idea what I'll be able to handle down the road. That I have no idea how strong I am. She told me to look at how I'm handling this situation, and asked if I ever thought I'd be able to work through so much pain, and still be able to love my wife; to support her in her ambivalence, and keep reconciliation on the table." And I realized she was right, but it still crushed me to hear all that.

This situation sucks. I hurt all the time. I'm trying to find strength in the support here, and it does help; but I feel like Sisyphus when it comes to making progress.

Struggling4747 - I have read your posts and so much of your story is SIMILAR to mine. I know the heartbreak and pain - it's so bad that I can't breathe sometimes. Or I will just feel tears start to stream down my face.

I'm also struggling with the 180. I mean I've done ok with it, but internally I'm dying. My WH was my best friend, told him everything. I have days however, where I do feel stronger and the idea of living without him isn't so horrible. The idea of dating someone who will really love me sounds pretty great - really. I know everyone says this, and I know you know this as well - time will make it better.

This is such a weird personal journey - and there has to be a reason for it all, you just may not know that reason just yet today. This is my positive thoughts moment. We won't stay broken forever.

Shattered09876 - I just went and read your posts on here, and your situation is remarkably similar.

I congratulate you on asking your husband to leave the house. I feel I should do the same with my wife, but the thought devastates me. For the first time though, the idea of the comfort of her home (knowing she is still in contact with him) is sounding worse than the idea of being alone. I hope my kids are ready for non-stop hugs because I'll never survive this without them. I'm already leaning on them so hard (they don't know why, and only once have I been caught crying by either of them.). I'll never tell them what their mom did, but they deserve better than this. She's a great mother, and we're really quite good together as parents... these kids are going to be so sad when they can't so both of us every night. I'm going to be so sad when I can't see them every night.

I'm so sad, and so scared.

Hey Struggling...

Have you had any time to reflect on the question I asked? I was being serious - there is some self realisation involved with eliminating infidelity from your life.

Hey SerJR,

I honestly hadn't spent a lot of time on your question earlier, but I am now. I guess if I have to answer right now I'd have to say I am infidelity's bitch. It has wrecked me, made me weak, and stolen every shred of confidence and joy I ever had. Some days are better, but the last couple have been hard. Silver lining to that is that I'm finally recognizing that this isn't sustainable. I knew that all along, but I didn't feel it before.

I know I want my to reconcile with my wife, and if she ever shows true remorse and takes the necessary steps, then I'm ready for the work of rebuilding. But I also know I can't let this beat me. I'm going to come out on top. I'm going to change my answer to your question; maybe not tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. But I'm going to be better.

Is R on the table in your WW's eyes? Or is she still confused and in contact with her AP?

She's still confused and in contact with the AP; she is open to R but can't make a decision.

I'm in too much pain to wait much longer. I spoke to an attorney this afternoon and made an appointment for a consult tomorrow. I don't knwo whether the other side of this means R, or divorce; I'm just done with being in limbo. I can't take it anymore.

she is open to R but can't make a decision.

This feels like a contradiction. She is open to R but... But what?

I know the 180 is hard. I think it will help you to detach and move away from the pain.

Don't tell her about the attorney.

That's a very good and honest answer Struggling, and I'm glad that you recognise that this is wrong... because it is WRONG!

So, I take it that you understand that your WW is making her decisions and that you can't control her. So, your only option is to stand up for yourself. Respect always, always, always begins with respecting yourself.

The 180 is fundamentally about recognising that this behaviour is wrong and about taking action to fix *your* problem. Listen, if someone stabbed you in the back would you try giving them a hug? No... because what happened was not acceptable. What you do is you pull that dagger out of your back, tell them that they better not try this again, and show them that if they ever want to hope to take you out it is gonna take a fuck of a lot more to do so, because you ARE that fucking powerful. The toughest thing about infidelity is your best kept secret... it is you!

So, what do we do in the case of a fence sitting WS? We let them know what our preference is. We let them know what is not acceptable to us. If their behaviour continues, we back up what we said by moving forward in our lives without the toxic influence. We refuse to live with infidelity and will evaluate all of the options at our disposal to ensure this.

If you can understand that, you are 50% of the way to "getting" the 180. If you can believe that, then it will become second nature to you as you are willing to assertively advocate for yourself.

I guess she just hasn't been able to commit to the work of R yet. She struggles with anxiety in the best of times, so this is not easy for her. While I understand why she's conflicted, I am not, and can't wait for her to make up her mind indefinitely... maybe some things are finally crystallizing for me.

I know I want to be married to the woman she's capable of being; but I won't settle for what she's put me through these last few months.

She's conflicted because she has options. Putting the 180 in place also makes it clear to her that you are taking options off the table. Marriages are built upon mutual respect. You can only respect others if you respect yourself. By having an affair, your wife has demonstrated that she doesn't respect herself. So, with the 180 you set the bar high by showing her what true self respect looks like.

However, you musn't confuse the 180 with a manipulation tactic to control your WW - it is something you do for you to help you detach to gain clarity. However, there is no guarantee about what she will do - you do the 180 fully understanding that you value yourself over the outcome. If she wants to reconcile - you set the standard. If she wants to have the affair - you are fully confident and further ahead in your healing because you have let go of the bullshit. Either way, you win.

Your wife's actions will show her for who she truly is. Show yourself who you truly are with yours.