SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shattered and ItsNotMe... thank you. I needed those responses. I don't know why today got under my skin so much, because today certainly wasn't a day either of us cared about. I had a couple pretty solid days, but I let her (and him) get under my skin. I feel like right now I can go about 48hrs being ok, before I start to lose my mind.

She doesn't deserve my pain and suffering. I just wish that worked to stop the hurt.

find a place that you can go to and just relax. Coffee shop, library, someplace relatively quiet. Normally I would prefer outside somewhere, but since its winter there aren't as many good options. But regardless, you need a place where you can go to feel at peace, clear your mind and just listen to yourself breath for a while.

My IC years back when I was struggling with an uncontrollable racing mind gave me an exercise. It worked for me, doesn't for everyone, but its worth a shot.

Close your eyes and picture a place where you like to go to relax. For me it was on a lake fishing. I would close my eyes, imagine the heat of the sun on my face, the sound of a gentle breeze blowing through the leaves. The water lapping against the boat. Smells of the water. You get the idea. Pick your place and go through the things you would feel, hear, smell, etc. It really helped me relax. Spend about 5 - 10 minutes until you can build a clear picture in your mind. Then stay there for a little while.

Just keep taking care of yourself, its important. When you are tired, hungry, thirsty, etc. its hard to control emotions and thoughts. You will get through this, as you can tell by the number of people on this site, its not an uncommon situation and its survivable. Hang in there.

Why are you posting simultaneously in two different threads?

It really makes it difficult to keep track of what's going with you.

No... I'm going to try to stop doing that. They started as pretty separate ideas, but quickly converged on each other. And then yesterday I made myself such a mess that I was just all over the place.

Today is going better than yesterday. I've felt pretty well most of the day, and haven't obsessed over thing too much; though now that the afternoon is slowing down for me I can feel the tension ratchet up a notch or two. I'm going to try ItsNotMe's visualization suggestion in a few minutes.

I think she's definitely 180'ing me too, now that I see her activity today; so that actually helps me. Gives me less to obsess about, and makes it easier when I'm feeling weak.

I'm making plans to drink to excess with a buddy this weekend, not that that is the healthiest way to cope per se, but I rarely do that and I just need some time where let everything go. We'll see how much I regret that after the fact. Thanks again for your support yesterday, I was definitely circling the drain there for a while.

Drinking might (or might not) calm anxiety for an evening. Next day it rebounds twice as hard though. Just sayin'. It's not even about the hangover, it's more like a chemical reaction in the brain.

I learned the hard way so I don't drink at all unless I'm in a strong emotional place and not likely to be triggered.

Arrrgghh... that's not what I wanted to hear.

I'll have to consider that; either way I need a night out.

The problem with drinking is that you are already depressed, alcohol is a depressant, add that to the mix you may be digging a huge hole.

Take care of yourself and drink water between drinks.. Might help.. Never know.

I can't really comment not the problems associated with drinking alcohol. I've never been much of a drinker and my wife's affair never caused me to drink.

However, I did smoke pot quite a bit... and that helped. It gave me a little bit of time to not care about my problems and it helped me sleep. Plus, I have no day-after negative effects either.

OK... going to try to focus on one thread, rather than keeping alive the 47 threads that I started.

I guess it's been 5 days since I asked my WW to find somewhere else to sleep, and I guess I should give a little bit of an update. I can't say I've gone full 180, what with her coming over in the evening to help with kids; but that will come once she can truly get her own place.

The main reason I told her she needed to leave was because I couldn't play the waiting game while she was still in contact with the OM. I was obsessed with him, and couldn't stop thinking about whether she was talking to him at any given moment, or whether they had arranged to see each other. The really good news that has come with asking her to find somewhere else to sleep is that I believe it was enough of a break to stop that cycle of obsession. I have barely thought about the 'them' of it all. I've barely thought about him. The thing that hasn't been great is that I have really felt the hole in my life with her absence. Other than one really bad day, I haven't been as overwhelmingly sad as I was before, so maybe that's even a bit better overall, and I've survived. So I know I will survive no matter what happens.

The thing that destroys me is when I catch glimpses of the old her. I can't help but think that this person that is destroying our family is an impostor, and if she can just get rid of the fake she'll be back. But I am trying to be realistic and recognize that the person I'm dealing with is the 'impostor'; maybe that old person is still alive somewhere, but I know I don't want a relationship with the current one. The one that thinks what she is doing is ok.

You're in such a crummy situation, Struggling. So sorry.

It's good though that the little bit of distance you've created is giving you some relief from the stress of obsession. That's what the 180 is all about, really. It's not about bringing a WS back, it's about detaching from a toxic person.

There's no way to say which one is the true "impostor". Time tells the story. But what you do know is that the one before you now is not good for you.

Keep taking good care of your health. It's really important.

Struggling,

You are doing what you need to do. The separation will help you gradually get back to some sense of normal. Not the normal you once took for granted, the new normal that you will settle into.

Its hard. The person who promised you a lifetime has decided that she can selfishly make decisions about your family without any consideration to the consequences for everyone involved. She things that just because she wants to try something else you should hang around and wait for her to decide if you are worthy. That truly sucks, but, she has made a mistake. A person who acts in this way isn't worthy of you. You don't have to wait to see if she chooses you. What if in the end she does choose you. Then what? What happens then next time a shiny new guy pays attention to her. Do you go through this all over again?

Like I said in the beginning, you are doing the right thing. Separate from her emotionally. Decide that you are going be good without her. This person does not deserve you. You deserve someone who isn't totally self absorbed.

Keep taking care of yourself. Take care of your family. You may be short one family member, but you do still have a family.

Keep moving forward, every step is a step away from infidelity.

Just a follow up to my earlier comment about the 180. After an initial burst of confidence with mastering it, I have relapsed a bit. My challenge is dealing with my rage. I don't feel needy or emotional toward him, just rage. We're still living under the same roof with our child, and are going back and forth about what/how to tell her about our split. I filed for D because he is truly in a fog and carrying on with AP, but won't admit to anything. He just says he wants his freedom. I can't stop myself from texts and comments to him about abandoning and destroying our family, which he is choosing to do and trying to call it something else, rather than what it is. Any thoughts from anyone about the rage bit would be helpful.

Getting a gym membership and starting to lift weights helped channel the rage, not to mention the endorphin release is a plus since depression and rage seem to hold hands through all of this. The nice thing I found that it gave me an excuse to leave the house for an hour while she was at home so I didn't have to communicate with her or feel the urge. Then I'd go home and take a long bath which gave me another 30 minutes that I didn't have to deal with her bullshit. Maybe you like running better? Whatever it is, I would recommend finding something to just get away from him. That is kind of the point of the 180, not just ignoring their ass, but moving on with your own life without them.

The thing that destroys me is when I catch glimpses of the old her. I can't help but think that this person that is destroying our family is an impostor, and if she can just get rid of the fake she'll be back. But I am trying to be realistic and recognize that the person I'm dealing with is the 'impostor'; maybe that old person is still alive somewhere, but I know I don't want a relationship with the current one. The one that thinks what she is doing is ok.

I had similar thoughts as these. I'd think of my wife as dead and a weird doppleganger had taken over her body. I don't know if it helped any, but it made me feel better for a few seconds anyways.