SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi There,

It's taken me 9 weeks to summon up the courage to post my story.

My partner of 22 years, my childhood sweetheart, the only person I have ever slept with, my wife of 11 years, has been cheating on me with one of my best friends for basically 2 years.

I found out because I checked her laptop to try and work out why she had been treating me so badly over this time - I figured it was anxiety/depression she had suffered from but soon found a chat log that proved differently.

I remember that by checking the laptop how bad I felt for betraying her trust...and how stupid I felt when I found out what was really going on.

Not really sure what else I am supposed to talk about - do I talk about specifics? Do I talk about where we are now? I'm just so angry, hurt and disappointed...

Hi brybry75, you can post whatever you want to about what's going on in your sitch. Does your WW know that you know? Take care of yourself. I'm sorry for your pain.

Hi. Welcome to SI. I'm sorry for the reason you're here, but you'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

A Good place to start reading is in the healing library in the yellow box top left.

You can talk as little or as much as you want here. Try not to worry or be embarrassed because we've all been there. Chances are, your story has played out over and over here. It's really nice to have collective experience like this. It can really help you get things sorted out in your head.

Does you ex-friend have a spouse? If so, have you told them of the affair?

Where are you now with your wife? Is she remorseful?

Two years, huh? *sigh* We're here for you. Hugs.

This happened to me, also. The OW and my H set me up to be friends with her basically to keep tabs on me and to try to get info from me.

Only a very very sick person would do this.

Please try to print out all evidence you can. 8 months out and my H family thinks I am lying because they have a concrete image of their son in their minds. I will be slowly opening their eyes, but texts messages would have been best!

Please keep posting and get into counseling ASAP!!!

I am so sorry, bry. Use this site to help YOU. You can post to vent, ask questions, or just share. It's up to you. I think there is a thread in I Can Relate regarding double betrayals that you might find helpful.

Take care.

Thanks for your support.

I confronted my wife as soon as I found out. Initially she denied it and then claimed it was only once. I had also sent 20 text messages to my ex-friend abusing him. What I found out is that they had colluded in that story of "it was only once". As it was 2am in the morning and I'd hadn't slept - and frankly did not believe what I had read - I sucked this up. I saw my WW again, she had left the house, and yelled at her for about 2hrs and she left again. I then reread the log and sent it to her demanding the truth. The next day she came and told me some of the truth - that it had been going on for close to 2 years.

I also sent an text to the OP wife - had the wrong phone number though .

The OP (my ex-friend) had told his wife the same story. It wasn't until I sent the log around that most of the truth came out.

It's hard to remember bits but the lies have come out - they had not broken up 2 months ago, they had "met" a week before I found out and then go into a fight. Apparently they tried to stop it all the time - all part of the thrill/game I assume.

My WS did cry most times when she had been unfaithful - and it was explained off as being depressed. She went and saw a counsellor last year who told her not to tell me but also to stop. Apparently she decided not to do either and stopped seeing the counsellor instead.

Will post more later - just at work. Again thanks for your support and apologies if I am not using the right abbreviations...

That's why I checked the laptop - she had told me that the counsellor had asked for her to keep a journal...which was true. What she didn't tell me was this time was used to also s#xchat with him...while I am sitting next to her.

That's why I decided to check the laptop - to find out exactly what was going on in counselling.

We are going to marriage counselling and have had some progression and some major steps backwards.

First thing I insisted on was no contact. This was done via text and , as far as I can tell, is happening. However they used work e-mails which I have no access to. I have access to everything else but kind of see it as futile. By the way I work in IT so have a good idea what you can do if you really want to get away with something...

The OP wife has taken him back (they have 2 kids - we dont) and he is very remorseful. My wife, if I can use that word, has moments of remorse but also does not feel bad necessarily about the affair - "it was something I needed at the time". She does regret the impact it has had on firends, family and me (in that order actually)...

Will talk about where we are next...thanks again for all the support.

bry....

welcome to SI....

Have you read the "healing library"?? Please do, yes the whole damn thing...it contains alot of good information concerning affairs - and a list of the addreviations that we use around here.....

Never forget....this shit is NOT your fault, you have zero blame in all this.

WS (wayward spouses) lie...expect it, hell count on it....at this point in my FWWs (former wayward wife)...i didnt believe anything she said....

This affair crap is not an 8 second ride (rodeo joke - yeah, im a redneck)....your marriage can survive infidelity...its a long trip and your wife needs to do alot of work in order to R (reconcile) ....should YOU choose to do so...based upon her doing all the right things...it can happen...

Congrats on telling the OMs (other mans) wife....alot of us BSs (betrayed spouses) fail to do this in a timely manner.....telling the other BS will speed up the WSs (wayward spouse) getting their head outta their ass and accepting their role in the decision to cheat....nice job, bro.

you will survive...and keep us posted.

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 11:22 PM, September 2nd (Sunday)]

Welcome to SI, bry.

You will get a lot of support and insight here.

There is a thread in our I Can Relate forum for betrayed men, and there are some great guys there who can help you along as well.

It takes a lot of guts to get your story out here. Now let us help you with your next steps. You're not alone.

(((brybry75)))

"it was something I needed at the time"

Sorry, but I have to call bs on that one. She did not "need" to have an A. How about this. How about you go to her and say "I called <insert one of WW BFF name> and asked her out. After finding out about you and OM I need this. I'll let you know when I no longer need to have sex with someone other than my W."

After she calms down from going ballistic you can then remind her when you got M'd and you took your vows there was no asterisk involved. The whole point was to forsake all others. Also, you being the last thing on her list that she is sorry about is a slap in the face imho.

You need to focus on you because clearly she isn't concerned with you at all.

Stone.cold.180

I would also consult a lawyer asap. Figure out your rights.

Bry...

You're not alone in this hell...

We've BTDT...

Don't be shy... Believe me, I suffered through about any indignity I never believed I'd suffer through...

All BS's wander through this hell...

Just remember to take what you want from the advice and leave the rest...

I think I would have done better trying to understand "the rest" than trying to make sense of senseless... LOL...

We'll walk you through our twisted trail together... Hang in there...

It WILL get better... With or without your marriage...

Guess you'll be needing a new best friend? We're here...

WB

Firstly...(((hugs))).

I am so sincerely sorry. Your (*only*) wife. Your best friend. 2 f'n years of cheating. That is a lot to absorb, my friend. I get the impression that you are *feeling badly* about the 20 texts that you sent to your friend....you said that you were abusive. Bry, the guy was doinking YOUR wife. Cheating is at the top of the "abusive behaviors" list. Do NOT feel badly about the texts that you sent.

My WS did cry most times when she had been unfaithful - and it was explained off as being depressed

So. Your WW...ummm...*did* your BF and cried every time? For 2 years???? Because she was *depressed*??? Does this make sense to you, Bry? What guy is going to continue to *do* a chick for 2 years if she fricking cries every time? Sorry, brotha, but *I'm* not buying that horse-hockey. Gotta throw the bullshit flag.

the impact it has had on friends, family and me (in that order actually)...

She does regret the impact

Her regret and a quarter just MIGHT buy you a cup of coffee at McDonalds.

What is she doing for you today, Bry? What do you want to happen? What do you see in your future when you picture it?

What is she doing for you today, Bry? What do you want to happen? What do you see in your future when you picture it?

And being a little more direct (sorry) does that future include your WW? If so on what basis?

Hey Bry.

Really sorry you are going through this. Be strong and try to use this incredibly difficult time to look after you and your needs.

Doing the 180 is great advice.

I would also advise you to make it absolutely clear to WW what 'she alone' has done to the marriage and that you are not going to accept any responsibility for the affair, because many wayward spouses (WS's) blameshift, project and usually dump on the betrayed spouse (BS) every excuse under the sun for why they cheated. Don't allow this. She cheated. Her choice. Her responsibility. You may decide to divorce as a consequence or you may decide on a trial separation or reconciliation. It's up to you, but the big thing here is 'boundaries'.

My wayward wife (WW) wanted me to fight for her and the marriage. She wanted me to 'win her back' from the other man (OM). No effing way.

Take care Bry.

[This message edited by Heath at 2:30 AM, September 3rd (Monday)]

Thought it best to get the whole story on the forum…long post…hope it makes sense…

It started in mid 2010 when the OM (my now ex-Friend) had a moment with my WW and had rubbed her shoulders and told her he wanted to kiss her. My WW just “shrugged” it off and didn’t say anything.

Then they (I was going to say he but let’s be honest) started flirting apparently. It was via text and I was unaware. They started texting every day. My WW went away with her friend (see later) in September and the communications continued.

We celebrated our 20 year anniversary of being together in November – a dinner with a few friends (guess who) which I thought was nice.

<But they were apparently flirting with each other the whole time.>

In December I had gone out and came back to find them both in my house – it was odd but they explained it away as he was discussing marital issues and wanted a woman’s perspective. I trusted them both as I had known him for 20 years and my WW for 22.

<This was when she admitted her attraction to him. Apparently nothing happened but the very next day the first encounter was organised for when I was away a week later. They then met several times in the next couple of months including the day after our wedding anniversary and her birthday.>

So for the last two years WW has been crying randomly and has also been off partying with her newly single female friend. I was invited some of the time but am not a huge fan of the friend as she drinks a lot and when she does she turns into a man hater.

<The GF knew about the affair about 6 months in. She didn’t say anything which is OK but also did not tell my WW that what she was doing was wrong. That I have an issue with>

I also work away a bit (about once per month) as part of my job – it was something we had discussed and agreed was OK.

Anyways, she would cry when I would see her. Normally when I came back from a trip but sometimes when I worked (not necessarily late) and she came home early, when she went out with friends, and when I went out with friends without her. There was also an episode when we went away with our group of friends and she bawled for 4 hours or so. I thought it was depression and would, every time without fail, sit there and comfort her and try to get a resolution. She would push me away but eventually accept my comforting, telling me it wasn’t me. Inside it would kill me as I hated to see her like that.

<Funny how it is obvious when you start writing it all down>

< As it turns out the time we were away she had found a text on the OM phone showing he was having another affair…and I comforted her like a chump not knowing what was going on.>

I would get the cold shoulder most of the time as well, with a couple of occasions her openly treating me like dirt by what she would say in front of people. I was so shocked that I never knew how to respond and then just didn’t respond…perhaps because I started feeling like dirt. WW then lost interest in all duties around the house so I took it all on. And when we talked we talked but didn’t connect – partly my fault as I should have seen this and thought it was OK.

All that said we were still having sex regularly but just not as often as we used to and it all seemed OK there. I did notice some changes but I thought she had been watching porn or something. I took all of this as a good thing – WW was showing more confidence (she had also recently lost a lot of weight), showing some independence and having a good time. In some ways I was proud of her.

<What I didn’t put together was that the OM, my friend, was asking me about our sex life as well as discussing his. What we had and hadn’t done. He then did EVERYTHING we hadn’t done with her.>

WW went to counselling – which of course I thought was great. She stopped as she didn’t want to change or end things with the OM.

Then she decided that she wanted to go away with anyone but me late last year. She ended up going by herself (yes it was by herself) and it was traumatic for me because of this. However I wanted her to go to do her own thing and she did come back. She even sent me e-mails telling me she was “150% committed to our relationship” and told me she loved me.

<I saw a doctor for a psych referral – by then I was ready to finish myself to be honest>

<The conversation log I found was just after she came back>

We then went away ourselves and it was nice.

Basically whether I was home or not they “met”, in a hotel, at either parent’s house, at either his or my house…wherever. I suppose it doesn’t really matter in the end.

A week before I found out my WW and OM had another meeting – I was away again.

D-day was a week later when we went out to lunch together (the GF I mentioned previously was supposed to come but cancelled) and, by all accounts, had a great time. On the way home WW started crying again. We discussed it and she told me that she didn’t want to go on the holiday we had planned later this year and then decided we needed some time apart. Off she went. I couldn’t sleep and had remembered her counselling journals on her laptop. I had to find out what was going on. And I did from the log I found.

Will post the rest later…what has happened in the nine weeks since.

[This message edited by brybry75 at 2:38 PM, September 3rd (Monday)]

The OP wife has taken him back (they have 2 kids - we dont) and he is very remorseful. My wife, if I can use that word, has moments of remorse but also does not feel bad necessarily about the affair - "it was something I needed at the time". She does regret the impact it has had on firends, family and me (in that order actually)...

She isn't getting it. I have one piece of advice when the BS is still in love with the WS and the WS is not genuinely remorseful...please read it, and the comments that follow, because so many of us have been there. My wife had an affair with my friend too.

Here it is...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 3:36 AM, September 3rd (Monday)]

Bry,

What Brandon and Lonely Husband said.

And this:

<What I didn’t put together was that the OM, my friend, was asking me about our sex life as well as discussing his. What we had and hadn’t done. He then did EVERYTHING we hadn’t done with her.>

Is just fucking wrong.

Bry,

Welcome to the club no one ever wanted to belong too. You have received great advice. My only other advice beyond what you have been given is to think about what your expectations are in your marriage. Vocalize them; assure that they are being met. Also don’t take any attempts at blaming you. They will always shift blame to you if possible. They are also good at trying to manipulate things like this...

The very next day WW picked up her resized wedding and engagement rings and sent me a photo with them on her hand, claiming “married again”. WTF…

Don’t play games. Send a picture of your hand without yours back and say maybe not... this is all ways they use to manage manipulate and minimize from the fact they made this choice.

The GF knew about the affair about 6 months in. She didn’t say anything which is OK but also did not tell my WW that what she was doing was wrong. That I have an issue with

This is not a friend of the marriage. I would demand she never interact with this friend again. My WW went throught the who are you to tell me... blahblah.. You set the rules of the marriage now. If your not comfortable and she wants a marriage with you , never again.

Make sure you have complete transparency. After 2 years it will be awfully hard for her to give up her cake eating. Don’t accept 3 in your marriage and make sure you have the transparency to know that isn’t going on. I would also start IC. You will have emotional swings and a plate full of damage you don’t even realize yet. Get started on IC and start to care for yourself.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 10:17 AM, September 3rd (Monday)]

What I didn’t put together was that the OM, my friend, was asking me about our sex life as well as discussing his. What we had and hadn’t done. He then did EVERYTHING we hadn’t done with her

Wow. I cannot imagine the frustration and fury you feel about what. What a fucking bastard.

^^

I agree. Your BFF is a douchebag.

So BryBry, you are in 3rd place behind her friends and family.

How does that make you feel???

And I do hope you make the BFF pay somehow. He really deserves a good beating one way or another.

HM64