Dontworrybehappy posted 2/23/2021 09:20 AM

I don't understand how you can tell me that kissing someone is so personal, and that when you were young and had one night stands and so on you didn't kiss them because it as "personal"
Then you cheat on me years ago with a friend because you were figuring out your marriage. You kissed her twice. Then you tell me it wasn't like that you had no feelings it was all in figuring us out. We have moved on its been YEARS 11 actually! yes 11 years and here I am still talking about it... Pathetic I know.

I guess this is what happens when you get triggered by something. Maybe I just feel pathetic maybe I just worry he liked her and was willing to risk his wife and kids. I am not to sure what I am still hung up on honestly? But you did say maybe it was personal but not personal as in you and her. I am not sure what to think right now. And honestly I don't have energy to.

I just don't want to be a second option. A last resort. I should be number one with my kids..

You show me this now, but words are killers and what was said stopped me in my tracks, and here I am typing this up when I should be happy and moved on.

thatbpguy posted 2/23/2021 09:35 AM

Drop him, and then you can find your happiness and move on and upwards.

SlapNutsABingo posted 2/23/2021 09:44 AM

DontWorry,

Kids kiss, adults do way more. Did you ever verify that kissing was just the extent of things?

(like that isn't enough already to call it..)

DanielJK posted 2/23/2021 09:55 AM

Not sure where you are going with this, but…

I’ve read “Cheating in a Nutshell.” One of the points of the book is that to get over cheating you have to go against your own body’s instincts. Instincts that have been programmed into us for millions of years. The fight or flight instincts. The basic need to be safe. The authors believe that it is almost impossible to override your own body’s programming.

I’m divorcing, but I have to be honest…I’m not sure I would ever feel safe again with the same person. EVER! So it doesn’t matter, 1 year, 5 years…11 years…or 20 years. Your body and mind are acting accordingly.

Dontworrybehappy posted 2/23/2021 09:57 AM

I did verify it was just a kiss. And also it's been so long, and so many hurt feelings on both ends that it would have been out for sure if more came of it.

I wish people knew how much this can hurt a person for life though. It's more the betrayal than the actions. You give your heart and soul to a person and let your guard down so its extra hurtful when they betray that.

This0is0Fine posted 2/23/2021 10:13 AM

He was, and arguably still is, minimizing and perhaps encouraging rugsweeping. You yourself imply that you ought to "just be over it by now". Or some equally self-defeating thought.

I think that this minimization and desire to rugsweep is a massive hurdle to your healing.

I sort of agree that the cheating isn't generally meant to be a direct assault on the BS. In the sense that it isn't a direct and fair comparison that happens in their mind and they decide, "I will throw my marriage away for this illicit attention." It's more like giving into the the draw of the illicit with reckless disregard for the BS.

The bullets into a door analogy applies. The WS, when having an A was shooting a gun into a door that they knew you were standing behind. They didn't "mean" to shoot you, but they knew what they were doing. "It's not personal!" is totally useless. Your WS should recognize the level of harm they willingly submitted you to. They should be apologetic, and not try to excuse themselves that their motives weren't meant to be harmful to their BS.

newlife03 posted 2/23/2021 10:32 AM

If I am understanding this correctly, he kissed someone 11 years ago and it still hurts today.

No healing from the pain. Are you going to see a therapist to help you deal with this, or do you think this pain will carry on indefinitely? It isn't fair to you, nor to your spouse, to keep this anger.

Dontworrybehappy posted 2/23/2021 11:42 AM

I have gone to therapy. I do ok in therapy, but I feel that the biggest hurt honestly was just the betrayal of the two closest people at that time in my life. I don't think it is even the action so much as it Is just the blatant disregard for me as a person.

Today is just a bad day for some reason. And the reason I say that to myself. "I should be over it by now" is just cause I personally want to be happy. I hate stewing on it. I hate it popping in my head. I just want myself to be happy.

I literally have sat in my pain, felt it, spoke to it cried, screamed and all the above to just move past it ya know. But sometimes it pops its head in and says hello. I think this is common?

I just don't want to die tomorrow with hate in my heart and Anxiety and anger to the world.

SI Staff posted 2/23/2021 13:33 PM

Let's keep this topic to this thread: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=651728