Hi. New here.
Myself and my husband have been through alot this year in 2020. Due to working from home I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a woman at work (he says there was no substance - he was having fun with it and it went too far)
I read these messages on his work laptop. He was very upset with himself and looked deep within himself as to why he did that and all he could say was that he wasn't serious and hadn't grown up yet and understood his responsibilities in our marriage.
I was deeply hurt because this happened around the time of our first baby and when I found out we had already had our second.
For a week he was perfect. He really made an effort to show me that it was ME he wanted.
Anyway we got back into an argument because he was saying some toxic things and I decided I had enough. Prior to our marriage when we were girlfriend and boyfriend, I had two one night stands on nights out. We were both in uni at the time and not serious about our relationship. At this time he was also messing around with other people and we had a gut feeling about it but didn't talk about it. In fear we would lose each other. It sounds crazy but underneath all this messy ness - we have always had a connection deeper than love.
He said something to me along the lines of 'have you seen yourself, you are ugly without make up. No man would have you' he said it in anger and it caused a huge rage inside me and so I told him that if you think that then you're wrong because I've fucked other people
Naturally that made him mad and question me what I meant. Eventually pulling it out of me what I had done and I confessed. That same night he confessed that he too had sexual relationships with women when we broke up at 18 and when we had got together at 19 (during university)
Its a mess. However we are both healing. We both have past trauma from our upbringing so we haven't always been strong people - its les to us making mistakes
Fast forward at 27 years old we are ready to heal from the past and move forward although my husbands grief is seemingly ymore than mine.
He has mood swings and shuts me out. He acts cold towards me. He has told me that his mind goes to dark places and he can't stop the negativity and the images that he see's in his head
He says he wants to erase it all and continue in this marriage because this is what he wants and loves but its so hard for him to forget what I told him
On the other hand. I deal with things by not dwelling but just blocking out the thoughts and images of what happened. Althouh it can creep up on me and hurt
So we are at a point where we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. We are both making conscious effort to be kinder to each other and heal from our past mistakes
The way I see it is that we started dating when we were just 13. We grew up together, and kids and teenagers make mistakes. We then made mistakes that as a consequence hurt each other.
Its not something we both want to let go. Our family and each other are important to us both
But whenever something triggers him. He becomes cold, distant, visibly upset and nothing I do.. such as show affection, apologise or continue as normal can fix this until he is ready himself. Which can take all day. On my side it is difficult to go through a day while he is visibly mourning while I have to tend to the kids and try and continue like nothing is wrong
I also feel like because he visibly mourns .. I am unable to grieve or show him what I'm feeling too and so my feelings are put on a back bench
When he comes to terms with how he's feeling. He's very affectionate, understanding and apologises. He tells me to be patient with him and help him get through his darkness.
What can you advise.. or tell me to do. Its very hard at the moment for me