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Anyone else spouse's AP a widow?

JulyDD posted 11/23/2020 12:35 PM

This is very random but I need to vent and maybe connect with the special subset of pain that is your spouse having an affair with someone whose spouse had died!!

I exclamation point that because, this woman (My H's AP) knows pain I assume. She had been through a terrible loss and did not have the decency to say "Sorry big guy, I am not participating in the pain in another woman's life. Not after what I have been through."

I will state the obvious: he should have been the one to never go there. But come one ladies-can't we all have each other's backs? I have never had any desire to cheat. Not once. I thought my husband was smoking hot and told him regularly. I was not withholding in any way. I am not anywhere near to "understanding" how people do this. Maybe someday but not today.

I think he is a terrible person but I think she is a terrible person too. In another post I shared that once I became aware of her existence, I looked at her social media. So many posts about her deceased H. She's deep into her fairytale narrative about that marriage but forgive me if I feel like she's full of bull.

If you were that happy, I don't believe you would ever visit pain on someone else's relationship. She knew about me, knew I had no idea what was going on (she is from another part of the country and that's where he would go), knew I got suspicious. Knew he left me. Knew I was confused.

I would never but...it is SO tempting to want to tell her employer (she's a realtor), friends, etc..."Hey Dead Guy's wife had an affair with a married man!" Just indulge my fantasy. Again, I actually believe in karma and doing unto others. So I will not do that. I'm mad as hell at my H (he's first in line). But damn, this woman.

SI Staff posted 11/24/2020 18:25 PM


landclark posted 11/24/2020 21:21 PM

But come one ladies-can't we all have each other's backs?

Apparently not. The APs in my case were a clinically depressed ex drug addict, a young waitress in trouble with the law and living at home looking for a sugar daddy, a single mom with two kids looking for a husband, and woman just looking for an ego boost, and then cam girls. Their own wants trumped any sort of loyalty to the girl code.

I think itís gross that somebody would lose a husband and immediately jump into bed with somebody elseís husband, but unfortunately a lot of people suck. Donít give her any sort of pass for her actions. She also sucks.

gmc94 posted 11/25/2020 00:26 AM

But come one ladies-can't we all have each other's backs?
Does not appear to be in the cards. And in some strange way, that is one of the aspects that really really haunts me - that these women are ready, willing & able to break the "girl code".

There are several WW here on SI who slept with MM. And though I really appreciate & respect them and their willingness to give BSs some insight into the inner workings of a WS, sometimes it kind of "gets" to me, as I've cut others out of my life once I learned they slept with MM.

POSOW's 3d M ended bc he had an exit A and left POSOW for an old HS sweetheart. So, she knew how it felt for to be a BS (tho I suppose it's hard to know if she REALLY knows, given she cheated in her 1st M and WH says he & her BSO weren't the only ones she was sleeping with during their LTA PA - ugh... it disgusts me to think of her BSO while she's banging guys from sea to shining sea).

oldtruck posted 11/25/2020 06:26 AM

i do not see it any different whether it is a woman or a man's
mind set that they use to give themselves permission to cheat.

i do know that it is easy to say i will not cheat. yet we cheat
on our diets, no one at the office will miss the ream of paper
for my home printer. i am only going 10 MPH over the speed

i have not cheated, i also never had _______ (insert name of
a hot actress, pass or present) make a move to groom and
seduce me.

we, to often, to easily, take that cookie before dinner even
when we are struggling to close our pants.

Eve could not resist the apple, Adam followed.

This post is not justifying cheating. Rather pointing out
human weakness.

JulyDD posted 11/25/2020 08:32 AM

Yeah, I wasn't implying only women cheat or only men cheat or whatever. I was venting on this site.

I am well aware of human weakness. But again, in the context of this site, I am not here sometimes for the reasonable rational perspective on the human condition. I am here to vent my pain and learn. But sometimes, just be heard. Not talk about Adam and Eve. Good grief.

Thanks to the responders who validated how I was feeling and weighed in. That was very helpful.

landclark posted 11/25/2020 11:56 AM

I am not here sometimes for the reasonable rational perspective on the human condition. I am here to vent my pain and learn. But sometimes, just be heard.

YES!!! So much this!

JulyDD posted 11/25/2020 17:39 PM

MODS: There is an overtly religious response to this post a few responses up.

This appears to be in violation of the rules.

The1stWife posted 11/26/2020 05:58 AM

There is no girl code unfortunately. Women / girls are too quick to poach.

Iíve been in this situation too often. I have lost friends b/c of it starting in HS. My H had a 4 year EA with a woman who pretended to be my friend in order to spend more time with my H. I would invite her over etc.

It is deplorable behavior.

EmbraceTheChange posted 11/26/2020 06:41 AM

No, it doesn't appear that OWs stick to any girl code when it has anything to do with MMs. It's theirs for taking. It's the same for guys too.

Not everybody's like this though. One bad apple doesn't rot the whole lot.

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