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IC issue

doninvaun posted 11/21/2020 10:36 AM

Summary of my situation: 24 yrs married, DDay was in May. My BS discovered my cheating (20 months seeing a prostitute about once a month), BS immediately demanded a divorce, but later changed her mind, we're doing the separation in the same house for kids sake.
For the last 6 months, I've been in IC and trying to do everything I possibly can hoping she'll change her mind and agree to R.
From time to time, she occasionally told me that even though she noticed all my effort, but I should just give up because it's no use. "In her book once the vow has been broken, the marriage is over, period! No exception".
I respected what she said but I'm not giving up, I still love her very much so I'm still hoping for R one day down the road. And I believe that even if we're not R, at least IC will help making me a better man.
Here's where I have an issue with IC:
- Initially I asked my BS to join me in MC, but insisted that she doesn't want R and therefore she doesn't want or need counseling. So I started IC just for me.
- Even though my BS said our marriage is over, but every few weeks she wanted me to tell her what were said in my IC sessions. Initially I told her that it's kind of private, she got angry and told me I was trying to hide something. I didn't want upset her so I told her everything about the sessions.
After about 2 months with each Therapist, my BS found something she didn't like about the Therapist's assessment, she said Therapist was too bias on my side so I need to dump them and see a new Therapist.
- I've done it twice now to make her happy, I'm on my 3rd Therapist and my BS just asked me to change again because she didn't like something my Therapist said in the last session.
- I'm conflicted, it's difficult to get restart every time, also a huge waste of time & money as well because it takes at least a couple of sessions for the Therapist to get the full picture. I find this 3rd Therapist very insightful so far, she has years of experience dealing with infidelity, her questions and comments throughout all the sessions clearly demonstrated how well she understands the situation, on both sides BS & WS.
- I suggested to my BS to join me in the next session so she can tell the Therapist why she didn't like what was said so that the Therapist can discuss with her, instead of me changing to another one.
- My BS refused to participate, her response: you're the one who screwed up and need help, I didn't. I told her I agreed, but if she doesn't agree with my Therapist's statement, she should discuss it rather than asking me to change Therapist again, but she refused to talk to Therapist.
I'm so conflicted, it's difficult to find a good Therapist, so I really hesitate to change again. But if I don't change, my BS probably will upset with me.
Damn if I do and Damn if I don't.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/21/2020 13:25 PM

I think you need to stick with this therapist. I understand hoping for a change of heart, but your BW has been very definite with you that your affair was a deal breaker. That's totally valid, and to be quite frank, there are many BS on this site who say they wish they had that level of clarity after D-Day.

But it's a two way street. If R is off the table, and she's telling you that you're wasting your time hoping, then she can't expect to control the therapeutic process by which you pick up the pieces. I'm not keen on her auditing your therapy anyway, because I think you might not be entirely honest if you have to provide a report of every session afterwards. Therapy is for you, not to satisfy your BS. I can see why in some cases, a BS might want input so they can confirm that a lying, charismatic WS isn't snowing the therapist as thoroughly as they snowed their spouse. But again, if she's not offering R, then therapy needs to help you create a new life without her in it. It's hard to see why she should be granted control over that.

Work to make yourself the person you want to be, and then see if that's a person she might consider reconciling with. If not, at least your new life will be authentic.

denwickdroylsden posted 11/22/2020 07:09 AM

If you are comfortable with your therapist and believe he / she is right for you, STICK with them. Your BS can't just check out of any sort of recovery process and at the same time demand a) detailed reports on what your therapist says, and b) veto power, in effect, over the therapist, forcing you to find someone new and go through the initiation process all over again. Maybe it's time to consider that the M is really over, and move forward with therapy to, as you put it, become a better man. That would be my move.

Me: WS, on the straight / narrow since 2013

Darkness Falls posted 11/22/2020 09:29 AM

I agree with the others.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/23/2020 07:56 AM


It sucks living in the twilight zone, so to speak.

If your BW doesn't want to work in R, then there is not much you can do.

Look, the simple fact is that you fix yourself, and she should fix herself, and for R to succeed your both need to work together.

So keep working on yourself.

As for the IC - go to the one that works best for you. You are going there to sort out yourself, not your BW. I think you can very nicely state that you are sticking with your current IC because you are connecting with them and it is helping you.

At this stage you need to let go of the outcome. Stop hoping for R. Either your BW will find help for herself and decide to offer R, or she won't. You will not change that by changing IC, or dying your hair purple. You will be able to focus better on what matters.

hikingout posted 11/23/2020 13:51 PM

H and I had fights about this early on too. In fact, I was just saying this over in a question someone asked in the ICR forum.

Your BS does not understand how the therapy process works. Therapists are not there to tell us what to do or how to think. They are there to learn what we do and how we think and help us discover why and whether that is healthy.

What is happening is likely to happen with all therapists. They do need to be on your side in order to help you get on your side. That doesn't mean always telling us what we want to hear either.

That seems contradictory probably because it seems we have already been on our own side and in our own selfishness to cheat. But, they are here to help us find peace within ourselves, not to discipline us or tell us what to choose.

H and I found the best thing to do was to talk as I had epiphanies though the process. Things that made me circle something. It would mostly just piss him off in the beginning because he was already so angry. They often start talking with you about FOO, and he felt like they were trying to give me things to blame. Therapy is a process and not all of it is progress, some of it is like you said the IC getting the lay of the land so that they can figure out where to hone in. Noone can do that in 3 sessions.

I am not sure how you can get this across to your BS without damaging the situation further. I had my BS meet my IC at one point and had her explain the process. He came in for a session with me. That helped a lot. It also gave him a sense of comfort of who I was working with. You aren't going to be able to make progress this way though.

doninvaun posted 11/25/2020 14:54 PM

Thanks for all the replies and advices.
I told my BS that I'm going stay with the current Therapist for now because I find her very resourceful so far, probably because she has great experience in dealing with infidelity.
I also told my BS that she's welcome to join my Therapy session any time if she wishes but I can't keep changing Therapist every 2 months, unless I find the IC not getting anywhere, she didn't response so I'm not sure what was in her mind...

[This message edited by doninvaun at 2:58 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 11/26/2020 08:00 AM


Keep up the IC.

The best you can do is try to communicate effectively with your BW - you let her know about your decision and gave her your reasons and even extended an invite.

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