"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

LifeDestroyer posted 10/27/2020 07:05 AM

Can you feel it coming on?

For me it's kind of like a tightening around my heart. I then get this sense of fear, and I know that I will soon have a mini breakdown and cry my eyes out. I'm having one right now.

I can pinpoint what causes it, but to avoid those things would mean that I could only watch sports channels or the news while avoiding all commercials. Seeing anything that reminds me of things that I have lost, causes it. Scrolling through Instagram and seeing sweet husband/wife reels or family reels does it. Watching tv where a couple is together or there's a two parent family or any hint of infidelity, causes it.

I know, "get your shit together and that will help." That's a hell of a lot easier said than done. On top of the daily anxiety feeling, I'm also just lying to myself. For part of the day, I will feel ok, like everything is going to be ok. I'm going to be happy again because I deserve that. My daughter will grow up a happy child because her parents are both happy in their lives. Then POOF it's all gone. I sit there realizing that I have just been lying to myself. I'm not ok. I truly don't think I will ever be happy again. A part of me does not think I deserve that. I worry all the time that our daughter will not be happy because of the choices we made. Then the anxiety sits on top of that, and it makes for a lovely time in my head and chest.

Now I'll do my usual of faking it all so that I can spend a few minutes with my daughter before getting ready for school and hope that the breakdown happens before I get there.

fooled13years posted 10/27/2020 07:26 AM

LD,

I'm also just lying to myself. For part of the day, I will feel ok, like everything is going to be ok

You are not lying to yourself when you think this.

I know it doesn't seem like it right now but you truly will be okay.

Your daughter and N will be okay too.

I'm going to be happy again because I deserve that

Deserve is a loaded statement IMHO, it implies to me that someone or something else is going to give you that happiness.

The happiness will come in small doses at first as you see the work you are doing on yourself and the life you are having today.

This is like eating an elephant. And how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

NorthernMSB posted 10/27/2020 07:35 AM

Hi. BS here if you don't mind, no stop sign.

You WILL be okay. I know exactly what you are describing, it comes from my own infidelity situation (which is better) and other life challenges (freelance career so money worries and my Dad is in his last month of life and I care for him). I feel it as this vaguely strangling sensation in my chest and little twinges like you get when you are up high and look down. It is there pretty much constantly and I feel like I want to pull an invisible turtleneck away from my body. I have developed an unfortunate habit of taking a deep breath and blowing it out audibly. I have been called on this charming new habit several times. I get it.

You will be okay and you will certainly be happy again. I have never commented on your threads or your ex's threads but certainly have read them and you have experienced a lot. I am a BS and I am saying give yourself a break and a little compassion. We all lie to ourselves in some ways to get through situations that are untenable, fake it until you make it and all that. Soon it won't be fake, it will just be your day. There will be a day when you realize that you did not have anxiety and it was a lovely day...and then there will be another one and another.

You have people who depend on you and you 100 PERCENT deserve to be happy. I might get bitched at for saying this but let your actions refine your behaviour in the future but don't let it define who you are and definitely not what you "deserve." Screw that. We all do things that we are ashamed of and if you are not allowed to make amends or grow from them, then WTF? Take a deep breath (not like my irritating breaths...) and stop looking at fake ass shit on instagram and tv channels. It is bullshit. My sister's instagram is complete happy loving family and HER wife is emotionally and physically abusive and her kids basically moved out at 16 to get away.

Hang in there and you will be fine. I will make you a deal, I will stop my blowing out like a horse after a race and you will give yourself a break. Sending good thoughts...

LifeDestroyer posted 10/27/2020 20:49 PM

I didn't have an emotional breakdown like I thought I would. The day was full of too much frustration I think (school stuff). They want us to lie to ourselves and others about how things are going. We are not allowed to complain or have negative feelings about the school year because that will bring people down. They have their heads so far up their asses that they think that's what is bringing us down, not the fact that they keep throwing shit at us and just keep saying "you've got this."

I feel it as this vaguely strangling sensation in my chest and little twinges like you get when you are up high and look down

That explains the feeling perfectly! I think I actually have tried pulling my shirt away from me as if to relieve the feeling.

I might get bitched at too, but I have said that I won't let my affair define who I am as a person. I can't let it. There is more to me then the awful choices I made. I certainly will let my affair change who I am moving forward, but I don't want it to define who I am. I know that I am more than that. We all are. I don't believe that we are our past. We can learn from it and change, but what we did in the past (negative things) doesn't mean that we are that (a bad person).

Mickie500 posted 10/28/2020 07:01 AM

I feel like you do all the time as a BS. I don’t know some days why I open my eyes.

fooled13years posted 10/28/2020 07:20 AM

LD,

I won't let my affair define who I am as a person. I WON'T let it

I corrected your statement.

None of us are defined by infidelity.

I am a FBH but that is not all that I am.

You are a FBW/FWW but that is not all that you are.

I do not know you by anything other than what you have written but by that alone I know you are a:

Woman doing her best in this situation

Mother with a daughter who loves and needs her

Teacher shaping the minds of the future generation

Friend who takes time out of her day to post on other's treads offering advice, hope and care

Stay strong if for no other reason than for your daughter.

hikingout posted 10/28/2020 07:44 AM

I might get bitched at too, but I have said that I won't let my affair define who I am as a person. I can't let it. There is more to me then the awful choices I made. I certainly will let my affair change who I am moving forward, but I don't want it to define who I am. I know that I am more than that. We all are. I don't believe that we are our past. We can learn from it and change, but what we did in the past (negative things) doesn't mean that we are that (a bad person)

.

You are correct, you are a multi-faceted person with a lot to offer this world and your daughter and your students.

I just wanted to say maybe talk to your doctor if you are having anxiety attacks. Research shows that leaving it untreated for an extended time can make it harder to treat.