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What to do when someone you wrote off tries to come back

Amilliondreams posted 10/23/2020 21:18 PM

my former best friend and I parted ways in an angry tiff this summer.
She was audience to my greatest problems and quarrels and knew I was in dire straights with my siblings- whom have openly hated her beca6thats who they've always been. My sister in an attempt to hurt me tried her very hardest to befriend my friend in secrecy. Calling her /texting and having a playdate for their sons and giving her hand me down clothes and toys. My friend, who was aware of the problems between my sister and I, happily went along with it. Happy for the hand me downs and drama. She never told me about any of it.
My sister throws it in my face how easily she could win over my lifelong friend and I confront my friend who at first denies anything. Then backtrack and gets defensive and says she forgot because she couldn't think while I was "attacking her."
I flat out told her I needed a major apology and I expected far more from a friend and she flat out refused saying she did nothing wrong, she could be friends with whoever she wanted and I was projecting my anger at my problems on her and she wasn't dealing with it. I said ok, you don't have to and that was it.
The following month she sent me a happy birthday and anniversary text to which I said thanks. I did not reciprocate on her anniversary.
She now texts again out of the blue to ask how everything is going since I had given birth last month. Im conflicted on how to or if I should respond. Its obvious she would like to pretend nothing happened and move on but I dont trust her. For all I know she is still hanging out with my sister, who no doubt loves to go out of her way to slander me. Whats more she never listened to or respected my need for an apology and acknowledgement that what she did was wrong. She owns a summer business and tends to get lonely in the winter and ive always been understanding and would be there for trips or get together in winter only but im thinking not aby longer. While I miss the friendship I thought we had, i think it would be foolish to fall back in line, especially since id resent every false smile id have to do.
Am I being foolish? Too proud? Or just aware and making the right choice? Would you let her back in?

number4 posted 10/23/2020 21:50 PM

I'd be wary; you really can't trust what she's saying is true, and what's worse, she couldn't manage an apology when she did things behind your back she knew would be hurtful to you. I'd guess that's not the kind of person you need in your life right now, especially given the stress you're going through with a new baby.

She's right, she can be friends with whoever she wants to be, but you also deserve the opportunity to make choices about your friends based on honesty, and she wasn't honest.

It sounds to me like she is just lonely; do you really think she'd be reaching out to you if she were busy? That should tell you something.

I know it's hard to lose a friendship that has meant so much to you. But as we grow and our lives transition, sometimes it means we have to move on from relationships which are no longer healthy for us. I had a friend once who I decided to part ways with when I found out she'd lied to my face. I unfriended her on Facebook, and at least twice, she friend requested me again, and I ignored her. I have no interest in having someone like that in my life. Interestingly, she's a politician, so I guess lying is something she's accustomed to doing.

When I've been in similar situations before, I've asked myself, if anything bad were to ever happen to this person, would I feel horrible that I'd parted ways with them? For me, it's mostly happened with family members, but I've been able to answer that with, "No." And it's happened. I lost two brothers who I hadn't spoken with in a couple of years. When they died, although I felt bad for those who loved them, I didn't feel bad about their being gone from my life. I had already grieved their loss when the rift occurred.

The1stWife posted 10/24/2020 06:18 AM

She knowingly disrespected you and lied. She made a choice to do something that she knew would hurt you.

You can remain friendly. No harm in that. But it will never be the friendship it was.

I had a friend for decades that went through a divorce she didn’t want. I listened to her problems for years. I was her support person. Through everything.

Then I became ill. Seriously ill. She called once or twice. No visits (we lived in the same town). My recovery was me being homebound and physical therapy. After 5-6 months she called one day telling me we needed to make dinner plans to celebrate our birthdays.

I was rude. I realized it was a one sided friendship. She used me as her emotional support friend. Yet there was no reciprocity. Friendship over.

I think that is what you had. You were her true friend. She was not yours.

tushnurse posted 10/24/2020 08:29 AM

Arms length. Share no more than you would with an acquaintance or a friend of a friend.

People like that don't change and should not be trusted. Period.

somanyyears posted 10/24/2020 09:47 AM

..ask me again how much we should trust 'our friends'...???


Adlham posted 10/24/2020 11:42 AM

One of my favorite quotes I have seen here on SI. I wish I could remember whose tagline it is.

“Don’t Cling to a Mistake Just Because You Spent a lot of Time Making it.” — Aubrey De Graf

I had a friend who I had known since I was 6. Over 40 years. But it was often filled with strife. She'd get heavy into drugs, screw me over, and we wouldn't talk for a few years. But I always just let it go. I mean, friends since childhood, right?

Yeah. So the last time was a few years back. The usual song & crazy dance blah blah blah.

Only this time, she decided that 20 years was long enough to keep a secret and had told me that she slept with my ex several years ago. At first, it was like, Big deal. I don't care about him, he's an abusive POS, and ive moved on.

But it was the lying. And the fact that she has herpes and never told me through 3 fucking pregnancies. Herpes is no big deal, unless it could potentially hurt my babies. I'd stake someone out in the desert and peel their skin off.

I have a complicated imagination LOL

Anywho... I started thinking about how if I had met her TODAY, would we still be friends?

Absolutely not.

I was very polite when I told her that she needed professional help, that I could not help her, and that I had nothing left to say and no interest in continuing our friendship.

It was very liberating to not have that drag in my life anymore.

So let me ask you, if you met your friend today, would you want to be friends with her?

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